Do you ever just feel smacked around by the world?
For some reason, I feel that way right now. In so many ways. And I can’t shake it.
I feel like my closest friends have begun to distance themselves from me.
I feel like my family doesn’t really want me at their events.
I feel like my apartment isn’t clean enough.
I feel like I’ve been neglecting Noah to work.
I feel like my body is getting weaker. I’ve worked so hard to get myself to where I am, and now it feels like it’s disappearing overnight.
I feel like financial trouble is looming.
I feel like my intelligence is waning.
I feel like many of my blog readers have lost interest in me.
I feel like the people in other cars are thinking harsh thoughts about me.
I feel like people at the gym are noticing my flaws only.
I feel like winter is coming faster than usual, just to make me feel all of this even more heavily than I do now.
I can’t shake it. It’s been going on for a few days now.
A week ago I remember feeling like I was really happy. Like life was exactly as I wanted it. Like I was at the top of my game. Like all of my effort had paid off.
I’m not depressed.
I don’t think I’m depressed.
I know depression well, and this is very different.
I’ve been seeing a therapist lately to help me be less messed up. Our last session was beyond brutal. I left feeling better though. Could that still be it?
I have been trying to write something extremely important. I haven’t found the right words yet. But that’s been going on for months. Still, could that be it?
I’ve had a vicious cold for the past couple weeks. It’s hindered me from doing a lot of the things I usually do. I’ve been on never-ending drugs to combat it. But it feels like it’s finally going away for good. So, that couldn’t be it, or could it?
What is going on within me that I, for the moment, am incapable of feeling any satisfaction or gratitude? Why can I not accept happiness? Why can I not see the truth? The truth that says, nothing here is wrong.
My closest friends have spent all sorts of time with me lately. In many ways we’re closer right now than we have been before because more truth exists between us. Truth that is private. But truth nonetheless.
My family still invites me to everything. They don’t shun me from a damned thing. They love me, embrace me, and get excited any time I show up.
My apartment, my home, is spotless. And I mean spotless. It is swept. Mopped. Dusted. Vacuumed. The mirrors are clean. The windows are clean. The beds are made. The shelves are organized. The counters have been sanitized. The bathroom has been scrubbed. There isn’t a single thing out of place in this apartment.
Except for me.
In reality, I have been neglecting work to be with Noah, not the other way around. Afraid to miss even a second with my child since our schedule gave me less of him, I have made the most of all the time I have with him.
I have had a cold, but my body is not weaker. I have done the same exercises, hoisted the same weight, and sweat the same amount as I did before the sickness. The only difference is I’m not getting stronger at the moment. Usually I am getting stronger.
I have whittled down my living expenses to the point that I am more secure than I ever have been. I make enough money to live. I make enough money to give some away. I make enough money to pay child support. Money is not a problem.
I have been reading a lot more lately. I have gotten lost in deep philosophical conversation with friends. I have educated myself in difficult concepts on the computer and internet. I have been mentally stimulated. I am not losing my intelligence.
My blog numbers are higher than they were at this time last year. I’ve had more successful posts. I continue to receive emails and correspondences thanking me for what I do. My blog is fine.
In truth, the people in other cars don’t care about me enough to think about me. At all.
The people at the gym aren’t seeing my flaws at all either. They are seeing my strengths. I know this because others have been complimenting me lately. Many people smile at me.
Time is moving at the same speed it always has. Winter is coming, but it is not coming with a vendetta. No, it is bringing so much of what I love with it.
So why, if literally everything I am feeling is not true, am I feeling it?
Why, if life is so good right now, do I feel like it isn’t?