You know what blows big time?
The other night I was sitting with my family, most of whom are very successfully married. We were going in a circle giving our best marriage advice to my little sister on the eve of her wedding. It’s somewhat of a family tradition.
But that’s not what blows. What really blows is that I realized I don’t have any good marriage advice to give. After all, I’ve never had a successful marriage out of the two marriages I did have.
And so, when it was my turn, I just made a joke about divorce and how you should always remember why you loved your spouse when you first met her so that when times get tough, you can find someone new that is just like she was.
There were a couple courtesy giggles, but overall my humor wasn’t welcome in such a beautifully building ring of profundity.
They finished round one, and for some reason started into another round. And that’s when I realized. Hey. I don’t have marriage advice to give, but I have plenty of “keep your marriage from ending” advice (two equivocally different things), and that might be almost as good.
It eventually came to me again, and what I said would have been such great advice if I were a tenth as good at saying things as I was at writing them.
And so, that night, I sat down and wrote out my “advice list” for my little sister. You know… things I wish I would have known or done differently so that I didn’t end up divorced (twice). After writing it, I thought maybe I’d share it with all of you, too.
I call it my “Ways I Blew My Marriage” list. Also, for the list’s sake, I am just going to refer to “her” instead of “them” even though they almost all were true in both marriages.
marriage is a pain in the ass but u have to have patients to deal with it. that happens only if u love the woman.. strong enough to hold on to things more than a BIG FART. it kills you inside slowly. when ever its a fight or argument well all depends on if shes on her period or in a good mood u can talk about this. Im not saying women are always sweet and listen to you and agree with you. they have there way of controlling things lol.. but some times you have to let them do what they want to get what we want... isnt that like kissing ass???? lol
Just recently went through my first... last divorce. A lot of what you touch on is dead right. I used to think you get married and things just work themselves out... nope you need to put time and effort into your marriage. I've learned a lot of the same things you've written about and it really opened my eyes.
Now for your next topic how about touching on post-divorce activities and getting yourself together again?
Loved a lot of these! One of the best phrases my husband's parents have taught us: "I don't know if this is fair or right, but I feel like ________________" (i.e. "like I'm the only one doing the chores" or "like you shouldn't be allowed to see that person"). For my husband and me, we both KNOW when the other person is ticked; there's no hiding it. But we both still *do* try to hide it, especially if we think that what we're feeling might not be fair. However, even if it isn't fair, it's still a feeling that needs to be acknowledged before it can be let go. There's usually at least a small something that's legitimate to it. With this phrase, we can be totally honest with one another, we get our feelings (respectfully) out in the open, and we give the other person a chance to respond with their side or with clarifications. (i.e. "I'm really sorry, I've been so busy with work lately that I probably haven't been as helpful around the house. I guess I mean to help you by keeping up with this job," or "Is there something about the person that you don't like or that you're worried about?")
This phrase also keeps us humble and, again, honest. Sometimes I find out that what I'm feeling is totally fair and my husband is in the wrong, but 9 times out of 10, I realize that there is at least some way in which I am contributing the problem, and acknowledging it helps me to be able to work on it.
We also try to keep a sense of humor about it once we've each had our say in these types of discussions/arguments. As soon as I realize he's totally admitted to what he's done wrong (and I have, too) and we want to work on it, it's easy to make a joke and lighten the mood again. ("Honey, I was just really hoping for a perfect marriage where we're both perfect all the time, and never have anything to work on.")
Legally Blonde- that's the movie quote :) I used it in a recent post on mamafit.com :) Great article. When you are ready for a new relationship, I believe you will be ready!!
I need to show this to my hubby.
After reading it I realized that we both do a lot of what's on this list and it was actually quite eye opening. We can both benefit from this.
A quick example: I am currently 8 months pregnant and due to my own discomfort and dislike of my own body I have sort of given up. I know my hubby always loved seeing me all dolled up even when we weren't going anywhere and he really appreciated the effort I used to put in to looking good for only him. I NEED to start doing this again for him. I want him to want me the way I want him!
On a plus though, even after 5 years of marriage and on our second child we still hold hands often and he still kisses me randomly. Even without hair and makeup done. :)
Yuck! Stop holding my hand! We're not fifteen anymore. What do you think I'm going to do, run away?
Thank you so very much, Dan! My husband and I had an argument two days ago and we've kept our distance since then. So because of you, I'll go and try to get that make-up sex part you mentioned! :) You are a beautiful writer and your failed marriages have given me and so many other people out there wisdom and even, hope. Thank you again.
Your list supports the claim that love is actually a verb and not a noun. Love is action, more than it is feeling. It's a great list that you have put together and all of it revolves around actions. It seems you've done a great amount of reflecting!
I totally loved your article. Love is not easy and is a very delicate thing to learn lessons from, because sometimes we win and sometimes we lose in thoughs lessons.
Sincerely,
Cheryl Young
Dont forget to tell her you love her, always. Dont just tell her though but show her by doing the other things on the list. Showing her lets her know, telling her reminds her that she is loved.
@ Strong woman ------ after reading your post, i thikn to myself: (why do people always try to make an issues where there is none?) I believe the point of his advice tips was not to make her innocent and him the bad guy but for him to have done some thinking and heart searching and realize his own faults/short-comings and take personal responsibility for them. >he can't do that ~for her~ even if he was right or it would be doing EXCATLY what he is trying to advise against. - ALWAYS worry about yourself in the relationship and since you cant 'fix' them fix yourself and you'll be amazed at how quickly and easily they change too....
@CynthiaCarolGallagher DO YOU NEED A LOAN? IF YES I WANT YOU TO CONTACT US AT: [email protected] FOR MORE DETAILS.
DO YOU NEED A LOAN? IF YES I WANT YOU TO CONTACT US AT: [email protected] FOR MORE DETAILS.
Dan,
Thank you for this. I have spent many years trying to articulate my own thoughts on "what did I/they do wrong" reading this has help me to realise that I need to stop worrying about who is to blame and look at how to not let it happen again now that I have found someone special...
Thanks again
I think all of this is GREAT advice. I have been married for nearly 5 years and I think my marriage would be better if I stuck with some of those things that I don't do, and I know it's good points are because my husband does do a lot of the things that you mention are things to continue to do. The only thing I think should be slightly amended is the reasoning you use behind "Don't always point out her weaknesses." I definitely think that it's easy for pointing out your partner's weaknesses to turn into overkill. I think you should pinpoint the things that you know could help your marriage, or their relationships with other people, and then bring it up during a neutral time, not during a fight. And when you bring it up, sandwich it between two compliments of things your parent does really well. That seems to have good results for me. But when it's little things, the constant critique drives me crazy.
I really appreciated this!!! Thanks for sharing!
You are right on! With EVERY "rule/tip/experience/advice" whatever you want to call it. I couldn't agree more! Especially the ones about Never stop kissing her, or holding her hand. I'm going through this right now with the person I'm dating, and it hurts more than you can ever imagine! Rejection is the exact word for the way I feel. Also with the no fighting in front of the kids, I try so hard but I slip up more times than not and I pray I will see this post in my head next time I start fighting.....Thank you though for posting this. I will forever remember this and begin practicing these now and forever in any relationship. You should write a book! :)
I loved this!! <3 You made a TON of great points.
I loved the list and can concur with most of the bonus items!
Smiling because I actually do all those things, and more, in my current relationship. It's amazing, we're amazing...and none of it feels like "work."
Sadly, it took me 2 divorces and an embarrassing number of failures to figure all of this out for myself. Somewhat in my defense, I was a decent to great husband but obviously terrible at choosing the wife part of the equation.
Well said, sir...thanks!
Loved this, it felt as if this was written by me. Hope people take this one to heart, I've been married twice, first went downhill because of these problems (and more) second, was a circumstance neither of us could have avoided, and I'm in a almost 10 year relationship with and we're going strong, though we could be stronger, when it's all out on paper like this it might be easier to re enforce what we have :)
@brandonmiq I didn't know you were married.
@molamac. nope, but i pay attention to good advice when it's given ;-)
@brandonmiq @molamac Hey Guys! Oh.......
@AlexMcEachin @brandonmiq Yeah. Bummer.
I think the post is right on the money for both men and women. It boils down to not taking your spouse for granted. And every day you get to court them and win them over again. Im not sure why people think its a one time thing. Its an ongoing thing, that turns into a lifetime. Thank you for posting, and by the way, its is great marriage advice.
My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years - my first marriage, his second. We're worked really hard at not making these mistakes. Our marriage isn't perfect but it's very close! (OK - I'm biased). Holding hands sounds so simple but it's powerful so is the morning kiss. This is a great post and I'm going to keep it as a reminder.
I don't know how many times I've experienced all of these issues, as either the giver or the reciever. I never put this down in words. I think now I will print out your list and put it in a place where I can see it every day as a reminder. Also for a chuckle and a smile. The best way to start your day when you can't have a kiss with out kissing the mirror...lol
Dan this is truly one of the most humorous, but most of all honest post ever. Not only will men learn from your advice women wil learn too. Not only will I like this post I will share it a lot. I think after single women read this you will be getting some marriage proposals buddy. I'm not kidding. Through your mistakes you have become an honorable man Any woman would be lucky to have the new you. I look forward to reading you post on a regular basis.
So the female is innocent in the equation?
From a 3X divorcee, great advice.
Thanks for the advice. I'll be putting some of this into practice... firstly closing the bathroom door.
Sometimes you learn more from 'failure' than success. Looks like you sure did.
3rd times a charm. Thank you for this awesome advice and wish you luck in the future. I don't know if you're a man of faith but God has played a huge role in keeping my 3rd marriage intact along with all the advice you mentioned above :)
Who needs advice from a 2 time loser??
@grevyturty No one is a bigger loser than someone who negatively comments and hides behind a computer. But thanks a lot for spreading negative energy!
@grevyturty Don't be a douche...
@grevyturty losing, you learn and grow... apparently, something that does not apply to you!
@grevyturty WOW. It's called learning from your mistakes.
this is the best advice i've ever heard! im about to get married and i think im gonna post these suggestions somewhere in our home to remind us what not to do. i would love to see a part two! you should definitely put something in there about the sex life part of it, i feel like once things stop being new and exciting in the bedroom the entire relationship stops being exciting and enjoyable.
I agree with everything here except the 'don't fight in front of the kids' point - I think it's important for my daughter to see that, although there are times we want to kick each other up the jacksy, and we can be completely furious with each other, we still sit down to dinner together (albeit through gritted teeth), we still hold hands and we still laugh at each other. Apart from anything else, it can be really really hard not to fight in front of the children!
I'm still married by the way.
@Gillian I think he means don't have an all out scream match in front of the kids. Growing up, my parents would scream at ungodly levels in front of my brother and me, and it scared us. We would go to sleep crying our eyes out, fearing that our parents were going to get a divorce. In the morning, when everything was happy-go-lucky, it freaked us out even more.
Gillian, I agree with you 100%. I feel that my kids need to see that marriage is love and happiness, but also that marriage is work. If the kids never witness their parents fighting, they will most likely have unrealistic expectations about marriage and will be quickly disillusioned when they reach stumbling blocks in their own relationships. Plus, witnessing constuctive, civilized disagreements can teach them loads about conflict management.
@Jennifer Sow what's to say for those kids that have been raised by one parent? I've been raised by my mother and my mother alone. I think it would be kind of odd if she just burst out and started yelling at herself. Besides, my sister and her get into arguments all of the time. That just goes to show that anyone, not solely married couples, living in the same household for a said amount of time will eventually get irritated with each other and have disagreements. I'm not trying to start a debate here. I'm only trying to show something from a different perspective. Thanks! :)
- Reilly
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@vickymark36 you're frickin crazy
Loved that you posted this. As the wife part of divorce, I know that each of us played our part. I only hope that I have taken a hard enough look at my own part of the break up to have a better chance if I ever have the privilege of a lasting relationship again.
Unfortunately my 3rd marriage just ended. Many of the points you make were very valid for me. Unfortunately I was to stupid to notice. You mentioned arguing in front of the kids. I have never been one for arguing. I would much rather discuss the matter as adults without the yelling. Maybe the arguing is a release of frustration. I think people tend to say things they don't mean when the get into a heated argument. Thanks for your hind sight. I will keep a copy of the tips for future reference.
im not going to lie. This bummed me out. I like it, but it seriously bummed me out. This could be me, right down to my sister getting married this weekend.
@John Mattos Bummed out? if this sounds like you? and it hasn't ended yet, you still have time to turn it around. you get a new day every day to change it. so CHANGE it.
Some excellent points here--the only thing I'd disagree with is not arguing in front of your kids. People disagree, people argue, it's in our nature unless you share the exact same brain. But as adults you should know how to constructively bring up the problem and resolve your differences. You're not doing the kids any favors by completely sheltering them from that. The trick is to do it productively, respectfully, and resolve your problems; this way you're teaching your kids how to disagree & resolve conflict instead of how to be mean & nasty with someone you don't agree with.
Excellent advice and I would think this IS a better list to give someone getting ready to get married because like you said, these are the things we don't think about and they don't happen all at once but gradually until one day we don't see the same person in front of us.