You know what blows big time?
The other night I was sitting with my family, most of whom are very successfully married. We were going in a circle giving our best marriage advice to my little sister on the eve of her wedding. It’s somewhat of a family tradition.
But that’s not what blows. What really blows is that I realized I don’t have any good marriage advice to give. After all, I’ve never had a successful marriage out of the two marriages I did have.
And so, when it was my turn, I just made a joke about divorce and how you should always remember why you loved your spouse when you first met her so that when times get tough, you can find someone new that is just like she was.
There were a couple courtesy giggles, but overall my humor wasn’t welcome in such a beautifully building ring of profundity.
They finished round one, and for some reason started into another round. And that’s when I realized. Hey. I don’t have marriage advice to give, but I have plenty of “keep your marriage from ending” advice (two equivocally different things), and that might be almost as good.
It eventually came to me again, and what I said would have been such great advice if I were a tenth as good at saying things as I was at writing them.
And so, that night, I sat down and wrote out my “advice list” for my little sister. You know… things I wish I would have known or done differently so that I didn’t end up divorced (twice). After writing it, I thought maybe I’d share it with all of you, too.
I call it my “Ways I Blew My Marriage” list. Also, for the list’s sake, I am just going to refer to “her” instead of “them” even though they almost all were true in both marriages.
I've been married for 41 years, consistently without fail, my husband has done most all of these things except the bathroom stuff. We are married single people, our lives are as separate as they could be. I am a life coach and help many ppl with their relationship issues and help them see to the heart of a matter. But no matter what avenues I attempt to have a relationship, even if more of a friendly one than a married one, he has let me know that it won't happen, in so many little ways. I've often cautioned him in the past ten years that he needs to be careful what comes out of his mouth because ppl around him are making decisions based on what they hear him say. He isn't liking his reality these days, but quite frankly, he has shaped it to be what it is. I am busy these days recreating my own reality, I have goals and know the outcomes will be sound. I think you know it's over when you no longer see your spouse in your dreams when your body sleeps at night but your spirit is wide awake and can't ignore the vacancy. For every ending there is a beginning, It's a pity that all he ever saw himself as was as a wallet. I wish you good success in your life as a laughing single dad. I hope your reality is wiser than it has been in the past.
Don't ever use the words "You never.." or "You always..."
Publish a book for dating couples. This advice is excellent.
Great article - great advice for everyone. You really got to the heart of the numerous pitfalls in a relationship and also gave good suggestions for change/improvement.
Also thought the author was quite open about his past. Enjoyed this well-written article. You could write a decent book!
This works for men and WOMEN... I found myself just as guilty of almost all of your 16 items as I read thru them.. which probably lead to my two divorces.. or at least the last... which hurt the most. Thanks for your insight.
This article is full of great advice. Unfortunately it has become a bit of a vice for me. I come here on days like today, where my marriage has been on the rocks, and smugly react to all the items which she is guilty of but I am not.
I loved this article. You have a way of getting to the heart of a relationship. Now I'll tell you how I blew up my own marriages: http://theantileslie.wordpress.com/2013/04/10/things-ive-learned-about-marriage-even-if-you-dont-want-to-call-it-that/
@SylveaStevens I always thought Blowing was a part of a healthy marriage. #BaDumChing
A POWERFUL SPELL.
CASTER WHO WIPE A WAY MY SORROW.
Amazing? I do not know how to thanks Dr Zogo who did a spell that make my husband to come back to me. he left me for the past five years, and for the past five years I have been in pains, sorrow, bitterness and wiping until I read a magazine about this man called Dr Zogo, who. help people to unite their relationship within two days i never believe in spell or magic, so I decided to give him a try i contacted him he told me that he shall come back to me according to my believe he also promise me that he shall return to me within two days, i was still doubting, if he can really do according to what he says, unfortunately on the third day he call me on phone saying that I should forget and forgive him that he is now ready to love and cherish me, on the forth day he but a car for me to say he is very, very , very, sorry, big thanks to Dr Zogo you help me to bring back my lovely husband, any body out their, having similar problem like? and thinking on what to do?, Email him at [email protected] he will surely put a smile on your face not only that he can help.
1) Have promotion in anything you do.
2 )Earn a good money.
3)Success in business.
4)spiritual problems
5) win court case.
Mrs Adams Vivian
My live in boyfriend and I just broke up a little over a month ago. This list has me bawling... so true...
The only thing I would change is that when you get into those (#14) you this and you that... Try using *I* phrases instead of *YOU* phrases. It works during arguments too. For instance... I feel left out when it's always a girl's night out and never a couples night out. Instead of... You always have your girl's nights out, but we never go out together anymore. Accusatory statements always build up walls and bring out the defensive stance before the sentence is even completed.
@AmandaRLawson I saw that posted a while ago and never read it. Thank you for posting it I loved it!
@Sunnie5274 It really is! He has a couple of good ones. danoah.com/2013/05/the-mo…
@AmandaRLawson Haha that was a good one. I was just telling @Pucksandstones the ways Jake has embarrassed me in the past lol
@Sunnie5274 oh I am sure!
@AmandaRLawson It really does. Can also make it very difficult at time too :P
@Sunnie5274 @Pucksandstones Kids say the greatest things. Their innocence makes life wonderful.
I totally agree. I'm currently getting a divorce and am imagining the things I will do different next time I am in any relationship. This list defiantly encouraged me to acknowledge the things I did wrong in our relationship and the things I can change and do different next time. I really appreciate this and it has helped me to be more open about my mistakes with myself! Thanks!
My first time seeing this website and this list is so true and so pertinent to my life and in fact anyone who is in a relationship. I am getting married in December and we fight about a lot of little things but not the big stuff. But we have real blow outs over the ridiculous little stuff. This list made me see that I do some of this stuff. Especially telling him how he could do it better and the you didn't, you should have stuff. Some of this stuff we have already started to see that we are doing, like not going out as much as we used to and the working out thing. I am sending this to my fiance because I know he will appreciate it as much as I did/
Thank you for sharing some hard won wisdom.
Great, articulate advice.
This is my first time ever on this website and to be honest I think that list is an amazing piece of advice to anyone. I think you should never start taking easy way out and you should listen to that advice. I have never been married but last year my ex-girlfriend and I split up, we were together for six years. Six years may not seem like a long time, but I am 22 years old. When I was reading through this list I noticed that I started doing several of the same things you did. I think I should keep this list in mind for the rest of my life. Thank you for the list.
Very funny true and wise after 13years of living together and 8years of marriage I agree with you on all and guilty of at least half of the 16 maybe more:-) thanks for posting this:-) :-) :-) :-)
I enjoyed reading this, and the movie was Legaly Blonde. I agree with most of what you said, but things are a two way street. After 12 years of marriage I got divorced because my husband became increeasingly antisocial, going to the point of informing me that at his age (39) he no long felt he had to do anything that HE didnt want to do. That is not a partnership, so since I was doing everything as a single person I decided to become single. Have not found the right person but life is much better.
Dan you look like a young man in your pix, but you have wisdom beyond years. take it from an old lady with 4 divorces, you have found many secrets of a happy wife grasshopper. totally enjoyed and have stassed many bits into the vault just in case i someday meet #5. :)
Well said. Reminds me of the Bruno Mars song "I should have bought you flowers"
I love this post. My wife and I are currently going through some serious struggles, to the point that I came home(we were living in Egypt). I will see her in a couple months. We are hoping that the time and distance will help with some healing and perspective. I have emailed her this link.. I hope that when she is done reading it that we can have a discussion about it as all of this is stuff that I or we have done to each other. Thank you for putting yourself out there and posting this.
Best Regards,
Ben
My husband and I have been married 13 years. I will say I completely agree with your advise in so many ways. The one thing that was missing is keeping Jesus first in your marriage. I am not going to turn this into a religious debate , however I will say that the bible is a handbook to live to actually LIVE , LOVE and BE LOVED! Another bit of advise is marriage is not always a fairytale sometimes it is and other times it is more of a graphic novel about how to hide the dead body :) In all seriousness , marriage is a wonderful blessing. "The grass is not greener on the other side it is green where you water it " Also, one more bit of advise - DO NOT say negative things about your partner to others. I understand you need to vent and if you have that one good friend to vent to that is great. Venting is one thing, but say ugly things about your spouse is another. Keep it clean ..
Excellent advice. I've been with my hubby for 25 years and he still does most of these. Of course, things could improve, but I don't expect him to be perfect and he doesn't expect perfection out of me either. Another piece of advice, never stop opening doors for her. I LOVE it when my hubby does that.
this is so true to me...i noticed that my husband doesnt kiss me now as often as he would when we were still dating :( i already told him that but it doesnt change. :( also i hate it that he is so stingy, even with my own money. He will complain whenever i buy something. he would tell me that the money i spent can be use to pay our bills. i just hate the fact that it seems like money is so important to him than to make me happy...:(
@mauib Bills always first, that's for sure. About the kissing, try to convince him to go to marriage counseling and show it as an investment
I needed to hear/read this today. Thank you for sharing. Could really help my marriage - thank you again!
I love that you took the time to share with your sister the mistakes you made. It takes a big person to admit their short-comings, especially when you realize they lead to the end of a marriage or two. I would venture to guess that most of your advice hits home with a lot of us. However, I see a common theme among your points; no matter how long you are together, remain a little guarded. I think of my husband as the one person on earth who can know anything about me, see me in anything, smell my poo/farts and still love me regardless. It's kind of the underlying theme of the vows. I have a friend whose parents have been married for over 40 years. His father goes into the garage to fart still to this day. I don't want my husband to be so uncomfortable in front of me that he feels the need to hide his bodily functions. I also don't want him to be so comfortable that he toots out "Happy Birthday" as a sign of affection, either. There is a fine line. Though I agree that doing things for your partner and making an effort to remain attractive are things we all need to be reminded of, we should remember this as well. Everybody poops and literally, you-know-what happens. Great article. It made me laugh and cry....and think.
Great post and so familiar. Were we married?
I disagree with #8. Kids need to grow up knowing that it's normal to not always agree, but you also need to solve disagreements and make up in front of them so that they know that that is normal, too.
@abary disagreements are one thing, fighting another...I agree it is important for children to know that people disagree and for them to see disagreements being resolved, however when people scream, call names, throw things, or etc., children should not be subjected to that kind of behavior.
This is an amazing inspiration post!
@mommyluk @danoah good post!
So are you actually going to learn from this and put these things into practice in your third marriage? Just wondering. I've never been married, and likely never will be (I'm 42 and chronically single with no prospects in sight, so...yeah). But this is all stuff I always thought was a given in making a marriage work. Perhaps that's why I never got married - never found someone who thought the same way. LOL.
Ur ex's seem different to you!!!! i think u r picking girls that are exciting and abroad! but in reality i think u need A girl BIT SIMILAR to u. i know in my relationship it didn't matter about farts or things like that, as long as not in public ;) name calling is a big NO NO. then u demoralize the relationship. its all about respect for men!!! and that men should deserve respect from a devoted woman.
i think in time we loose our infatuation with our spouse and revert back to how we THINKwe should be LOVED and if we express our love to our loved ones, that they should automatically love us the EXACT same way.
BUT the TRUTH is... a person can only express how they feel towards there partner in a away that feels NATURALLY to them. for example...... there are 5 ways in which we express our emotions as human beings. 1: AFFECTION/HUGS, physical CONTACT 2: PRAISE/AFFIRMATION 3: GENEROSITY/GIFT GIVING 4: SERVING ONE ANOTHER/CHOIRS 5: SPENDING UNDIVIDED TIME / QUALITY TIME WITH EACH OTHER.
they are the basic fundamentals of how we FEEL love and how it makes us WHOLE. The normal Person feels about 2 or 3 of these languages / vibes NATURALLY to them and the remaining NOT so strongly and cannot communicate them to their partners/friends, in turn , making them feel empty inside
SO! u can either 1) try and UNDERSTAND/ACCEPT ur partner/friends feelings they express to you in THEIR own ways and POSSIBLEY try and train them (in a certain degree, to love u in ur own language WHICH is very difficult at times). OR find someone that shares the same Lauaguages as you...... it is easier most situations.
BUT in the end LOVE is a CHOICE. PUPPY LOVE DIES!!!!! that feeling isn't a true depictions of a relationship, in fact, LOVE is a selfless act and it is a working progess which can be exciting as u want it to be!!!!
@ChrisMcfarlane pretty sure you missed the BIG message in his post today. Taking a step down from your soap box might help you see the point he was making.
@ameister4 @ChrisMcfarlane no foolin
The one big thing I would change is his views about the fruits of marriage. This article seems to obscure his view about woman in that he views them as a sexual object and not completely as a person; a gift [from God]. I did not see any sense of a total unconditional love without looking back on what he will get in return for his good acts. His principles are correct, but it is often motivated by seeing her as a sex object or doing things for the sake of getting something from it. This is "using" each other, which will eventually escalate into divorce (a third divorce for him) or big marital problems. The fruits of marriage is learning how to give to the other person completely, totally, fruitfully and unconditionally without anything in return.
@Theophilus I get the impression from what you say, that you have never been married. And I thought all the sex bonus comments were endearing and very 'manly' in a positive way. I've been married for 30 years and I was horrified by many of the things he said he began doing, I would never have stayed married to someone who got that lazy and uncaring about little civilities. I loved the get down to real, practical, do-able ideas that he presented here. I think what you say is coming from someone living in a theoretical dreamworld of some kind.
@Theophilus Um...I didn't get that from this...I think he was well rounded in his thoughts, marriage is 50/50 not 70/30 or 90/10, and when you give and take in an even way, that both partners respond positively to, I think your doing good. But when you have one partner feeling they are doing all the work and the other expects it, it's not fair and leaves the other one feeling empty and used. He pretty much summed up that love and respect needs to be all the time, not just when you feel like it, and never let your partner believe they are there just for you whenever you want them or need them. And believe me, I walk the 90/10 line, and when you deal with everything, kids/school/bills/job/house etc. and the other one just worries about bringing home the paycheck and then when you fight he reminds you or tells you "All's I am to anyone here is a paycheck"...well my response is: when you make yourself just the paycheck by not being involved with your family and working, sitting in the garage and eating meals in your room or just going to your room when your done eating instead of spending time with the rest of us.....you get what you give.... you ask for it...and I have tried to change that, but it falls back to me that I'm told to change....I have given up....I just go with the flow now......
@momma4 @Theophilus Wrong. Real love in a real marriage is 100/100. We give 100% whether or not our significant other is doing the same.
@momma4 @Theophilus I'm sad to hear anyone saying, "I have given up, I just go with the flow now." If your marriage is worth fighting for then don't give up! It sounds like your issues may run deep. A very wise man told me that if you can walk away from a relationship knowing that you've done EVERYTHING you can to save it, then walk away with your head held high. But if you haven't tried everything, then its not time to give up yet! From personal experience I've learned NOT to stay because of the kids.... I want my girls to grow up with a mother who stands up for herself, stands proud, and doesn't settle for less than she deserves. To me, that's a great example to kids instead of 'mommy's always unhappy but I stayed here so you would feel "secure" even though I'm miserable!'. My experience was different of course, abusive but never in front of the kids. They understand now that they're older and respect me for it. If I hadn't left, I believe they would have grown to know a mother who was quiet, unhappy, subservient.... Instead, they have had a mother who's HAPPY, smiles and sings, has a great career (went back to school after we split), strong and independent with a maximum capacity for love! That's an environment I would be happy with!
@BenjieLewis1 great article
@BenjieLewis1 This is pretty good. Thank you!
I feel the same way as any other woman do with heartbreak before i met orinoko. My issue is with his co workers he always text them even after I told him how I feel about it. He will stop for while and then start all over. He always tells me how fat and old these woman are but I did know that he uses that as a deterrent for me not to think negatively about him having dates with them. Today I have now found out he is setting up lunch dates with one of them. I no longer can take it. Why did he just leave? I do not understand why he keeps doing this to me. He even comes home late after work now and he finally went away and broke up with me, well i been at psychic for help but all the same. what should I do? until my friend introduced me to a someone that assisted to reunite her husband. get the him with [email protected] you can contact him.
Very good read, and I can honestly say my husband and I have slipped in many of the ways you mentioned. We still enjoy a very good relationship but can stand to improve some things.
The only one I'd disagree with, or rather change, is arguing in front of the kids... and I don't mean to say that we hash things out in front of them, but rather that we all need to take a cool down sometimes before getting into the nitty gritty, and that is healthy with or without kids... however, kids need to see the good ways to fight, so they know when they are grown up how to fight fair. Sometimes fights are going to happen, we shouldn't ever fight in the heat of the moment, and if it isn't possible to avoid that then we shouldn't fight in front of the kids, but if we can be calm and rational then having a disagreement with children around and resolving the issue it is a great way to teach by example the way to resolve issues in marriage.