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16 Ways I Blew My Marriage

dan-pearce-16-ways

You know what blows big time?

The other night I was sitting with my family, most of whom are very successfully married. We were going in a circle giving our best marriage advice to my little sister on the eve of her wedding. It’s somewhat of a family tradition.

But that’s not what blows. What really blows is that I realized I don’t have any good marriage advice to give. After all, I’ve never had a successful marriage out of the two marriages I did have.

And so, when it was my turn, I just made a joke about divorce and how you should always remember why you loved your spouse when you first met her so that when times get tough, you can find someone new that is just like she was.

There were a couple courtesy giggles, but overall my humor wasn’t welcome in such a beautifully building ring of profundity.

They finished round one, and for some reason started into another round. And that’s when I realized. Hey. I don’t have marriage advice to give, but I have plenty of “keep your marriage from ending” advice (two equivocally different things), and that might be almost as good.

It eventually came to me again, and what I said would have been such great advice if I were a tenth as good at saying things as I was at writing them.

And so, that night, I sat down and wrote out my “advice list” for my little sister. You know… things I wish I would have known or done differently so that I didn’t end up divorced (twice). After writing it, I thought maybe I’d share it with all of you, too.

I call it my “Ways I Blew My Marriage” list. Also, for the list’s sake, I am just going to refer to “her” instead of “them” even though they almost all were true in both marriages.

1. DON’T STOP HOLDING HER HAND
When I first dated the woman I ended up marrying, I always held her hand. In the car. While walking. At meals. At movies. It didn’t matter where. Over time, I stopped. I made up excuses like my hand was too hot or it made me sweat or I wasn’t comfortable with it in public. Truth was, I stopped holding hands because I stopped wanting to put in the effort to be close to my wife. No other reason.
IF I HAD IT TO DO-OVER: I’d hold her hand in the car. I’d hold her hand on a star. I’d hold her hand in a box. I’d hold her hand with a fox. And I’d hold her hand everywhere else, too, even when we didn’t particularly like each other for the moment.
BONUS! When you hold hands in the winter, they don’t get cold. True story.
2. DON’T STOP TRYING TO BE ATTRACTIVE.
Obviously when I was working to woo her, I would do myself up as attractively as I possibly could every time I saw her. I kept perfectly groomed. I always smelled good. I held in my farts until she wasn’t around. For some reason, marriage made me feel like I could stop doing all that. I would get all properly groomed, smelling good, and dressed up any time we went out somewhere or I went out by myself, but I rarely, if ever, cared about making myself attractive just for her.
IF I HAD IT TO DO-OVER: I’d try and put my best foot forward throughout our entire marriage. I’d wait to fart until I was in the bathroom whenever possible. I’d make myself desirable so that she would desire me.
BONUS! when you trim your man hair, guess what. She returns the favor.
3. DON’T ALWAYS POINT OUT HER WEAKNESSES.
For some reason, somewhere along the way, I always ended up feeling like it was my place to tell her where she was weak and where she could do better. I sure as heck didn’t do that while we were dating. No, when I dated her I only built her up, only told her how amazing she was, and easily looked past all of her flaws. After we got married though, she sometimes couldn’t even cook eggs without me telling her how she might be able to improve.
IF I HAD IT TO DO-OVER: I wouldn’t say a damned thing about anything that I thought could use improvement. I’ve learned since my marriage ended that there is more than one right way to do most things, and that the imperfections of others are too beautiful to try and change.
BONUS! when you tell her what she’s doing right, she’ll tell you what you’re doing right. And she’ll also tell her friends. And her family. And the dentist. And even strangers on the street.
4. DON’T STOP COOKING FOR HER.
I knew how to woo a girl, for sure. And the ticket was usually a night in, cooking a nice meal and having a romantic evening. So why is it then, that I didn’t do that for her after we got married? Sure, I’d throw some canned soup in the microwave or fry up some chimichangas once in a while, but I rarely if ever went out of my way to sweep her off her feet after we were married by steaming crab legs, or making fancy pasta, or setting up a candlelit table.
IF I HAD IT TO DO-OVER: I’d make it a priority to cook for her, and only her, something awesome at least every month. And I’d remember that meat in a can is never awesome.
BONUS! candlelit dinners often lead to candlelit bow chica bow-wow.
5. DON’T YELL AT YOUR SPOUSE.
I’m not talking about the angry kind of yelling. I’m talking about the lazy kind of yelling. The kind of yelling you do when you don’t want to get up from your television show or you don’t want to go ALL THE WAY UPSTAIRS to ask her if she’s seen your keys. It really doesn’t take that much effort to go find her, and yelling (by nature) sounds demanding and authoritative.
IF I HAD IT TO DO-OVER: I’d try to go find her anytime I needed something or wanted to know something, and I’d have both gratitude and manners when I did. I always hated when she would yell to me, so why did I always feel it was okay to yell to her?
BONUS! sometimes you catch her doing something cute that you would have missed otherwise.
6. DON’T CALL NAMES.
I always felt I was the king of not calling names, but I wasn’t. I may not have called her stupid, or idiot, or any of the other names she’d sometimes call me, but I would tell her she was stubborn, or that she was impossible, or that she was so hard to deal with. Names are names, and calling them will drive bigger wedges in communication than just about anything else.
IF I HAD IT TO DO-OVER: Any time it got to the point that I wanted to call names, I’d call a time-out and come back to it later. Or better yet, I’d call her names, but they’d be names like “super sexy” or “hotness.” Even in the heat of the moment.
BONUS! she’ll call you names in better places. Like the bedroom.

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE

5292 comments
CarrieSteve
CarrieSteve

My husband broke up with me a month ago because of the little misunderstanding will had, he was dating other young lady and he never take me out again he was totally changed and he never listen to any thing i told him. one day he came and told me he is bringing in other lady in our home, i was so frustrated so when i came across Dr.kizzekpe ([email protected]) how he use to rebuild broken home and make their family to reunite together again, so i quickly email him and explain all my problem to him and he guarantee me that my husband will definable want me back after the reunite spell. After everything my husband (ROBERTO) came back to tell me he still love and cherish me that he promise never to cheat on me any more i was so happy and i quickly email Dr.kizzekpe ([email protected]) and thank him for the wonderful spell, he was God sent and if you need his helping hand contact his direct email at.([email protected]).

comment022
comment022



Had a huge bust up with my partner Gerry, phoned Dr.obodo in tears, he said he could help, I must admit, I was very, very sceptical as didn't really believe he would be back after all he said, but it was just a few days when he phoned and asked to come over to talk, we talked and talked and the silly misunderstaning  was all forgiven and we are back together now for good, all thanks to Dr.obodo, I would highly recommend his services, they do really, really work.Here is Info: [email protected] or Cell: +2348155425481
Lynda, Devon.

solomonjoy01
solomonjoy01

THE GRAT DR OGUL THAT BRING MY HUSBAND BACK TO ME AM NOW A HAPPY WOMANi am sharing my testimony to everyone that has tried everything possible and had lost hope on how they can get their ex husband, i want you all to know that their is one man called Dr. ogul that work for me and after 2days of his spell. my ex came back to me without any delay, i am really happy now that we are together again and we are living happily with so much love and respect for each other, so i will advise everyone to ask for this same man to help you so that you can be happy again and make your dreams and wishes come true. via [email protected] he can help you without any

solomonjoy01
solomonjoy01

THE GRAT DR OGUL THAT BRING MY HUSBAND BACK TO ME AM NOW A HAPPY WOMANi am sharing my testimony to everyone that has tried everything possible and had lost hope on how they can get their ex husband, i want you all to know that their is one man called Dr. ogul that work for me and after 2days of his spell. my ex came back to me without any delay, i am really happy now that we are together again and we are living happily with so much love and respect for each other, so i will advise everyone to ask for this same man to help you so that you can be happy again and make your dreams and wishes come true. via [email protected] he can help you without any delay.

MarisHoover
MarisHoover

Why is that people like DR EZIZA that are genuine are hard to find. After i have searching for help for almost all the corner of this life concerning my marriage and all to no avail it was Dr Eziza that finally helped me out,he wiped away all the agony i was going through with my lover and me him stop the divorce he was planning. Any one out there who beleives all is over in his/her marriage contact DR EZIZA on [email protected] or +2348058176289 and join those that are happy through his handwork.

AlexendriaAlex
AlexendriaAlex

I was IN A relationship with an arrogant self centered man for 4 year and had no idea of the kind of man i was living with. What am about to write now, is not a mistake its something am proud of cos i will never stand to see some irresponsible man rise my child. Until now i use to say i am the strongest woman on earth i mean no matter what a man throws at my face in a relationship i will always not let it affect me. Well i was wrong when you have a child with that man every thing he does that is not in your interest hurt you so bad that it feels like your heart is bleeding not cos of you something but mostly because of your child. The name i'm using here is a fictional name cos i don't want anybody talking about me. Mike and i,were together for four years and we had a child a son together but we weren't married. Our relationship was just as fun as it usually is in the dating stage i mean we went dates we text all night he call me on the phone just to tell me i love you. It was the best moment of my life aside from the birth of my son and he was right there with me in the labor room when i put to birth he never left my side i mean my life was a fairy tale with the happily ever after theme. When i look back now i ask myself why?Why did he go through all that trouble when really he didn't love me as he use to say. It was hard for me cos he went from being perfect to being ruthless he made sure i knew he was cheating on me with another b**ch and went i was tried to go away with my son, he threatening to take him away for me that i came with nothing and and also leaving with nothing . I wish i can put this in film to make it more clear for you guy i mean he made me pass through hell. And he was really going to take my son from me cos he was wealthy and the law was on his side cos i had nothing to offer my son i mean i work three job and hardly had time for myself he used that against and i was losing cos i could not even afford a lawyer. Everything was spinning out of hand. All i had with me was the hate and pain in my heart i would stay up all night crying my eyes out cos i had nothing to do. But like they say a desperate woman is a dangerous one. In my quest for help on how to make the scum bag stay away form me and my son i contacted a spell casted i found online i have seen a couple of good remark about him and some most highly recommended him as the best in spell casting. Like i say am proud of what i did if wanting to be with your son by all mean necessary is crazy then i am crazy to have contacted Mutton Osun the spell caster. It made me calm when mutton osun told me he can help me and that he was not going to charge me but how ever he asked me to get the materials we use for the spell and i also paid for the delivery of the parcel he sent me with instruction of how to make the spell effective. Just weeks after i did what he asked me Mike dropped all the case and left the country with his new b**ch i didn't really care cos i had my baby that is alright for me though i love him i don't want a monster as a husband or a father of my child so i let him go. I highly recommend you contact Mutton Osun for help if you need any on his email [email protected]

EmilyBRANDON
EmilyBRANDON


my ex broke up with me for the fact that he wanted space, i tried telling him how much i love him but he was just so stubborn, he suddenly changed, he started cheating, I was so hurt and depressed. so a friend suggested the idea of contacting a spell caster, which I never thought of myself. after i contacted [email protected] for his help. I asked him to do a love spell for me so that my lover can come back to me, but before the spell was done, I was a bit skeptical about the capacity to bring my lover back to me. 3 days after the spell was actually cast, my lover returned to me and since then, it seems that there is no more mistrust and no more lies between us. He doesn't cheat anymore. there is no word to say how grateful I am, I am leaving a testimonial on this page, Mr Robinson 's number is + 19715126745

666greatilluminati
666greatilluminati

THE GRAT DR OGUL THAT BRING MY HUSBAND BACK TO ME AM NOW A HAPPY WOMAN

i am sharing my testimony to everyone that has tried everything possible and had lost hope on how they can get their ex back, i want you all to know that their is one man called Dr. ogul that work for me and after 2days of his spell. my ex came back to me without any delay, i am really happy now that we are together again and we are living happily with so much love and respect for each other, so i will advise everyone to ask for this same man's help so that you can be happy again and make your dreams and wishes you have with your ex come true. via [email protected] he can help you without any delay.

PreciousMicheal
PreciousMicheal

hello friends, this is unbelievable but a true story. I became frustrated in my relationship and after trying several methods i went online to seek help there i saw a post on how a lady got her husband back and i decided to try this prophet that helped her because my marriage was failing. truly speaking, i never believed in spiritual work or spell casting but  i reluctantly tried him because i was desperate and had no other option. To my greatest surprise this prophet helped me and my relationship is now the best you can imagine. just as he promised my husband now treats me like a queen even when he had told me before he doesn't love me anymore just the other day my husband bought me a rose flower and this days he does things I had forgotten existed in relationship. well, i can not say much but if you are passing through difficulties in your relationship try him here is his email [email protected] of a truth he really helps again his email his [email protected] in deed prophet I am grateful

SandraRuths
SandraRuths

I never knew people still have powers and make things happened this way. My name is sandra ruths am from American. my boyfriend Slay Scot left me for another girl for three months’ ever since then my life have been filled with pains sorrow and heart break because he was my first love who dis virgin me when i was 21 years old. about two years ago, A friend of mine kido matthew told me he saw some testimonies of this great Dr osauyi that he can bring back lover within some few days, i laugh it out and said i am not interested but because of the love my friend had for me, she consulted the great priest on my behalf and to my greatest surprise after three days my boyfriend is going to call me for the very first time after three months that he is missing me and that he is so sorry for every thing he made me went through. i still can’t believe it, because it highly unbelievable it just too real to be real. Thank you Dr osauyi for bringing back my lover and also to my lovely friend who interceded on my behalf, for any one who might need the help of this great priest here is the email address [email protected]com or you can call the great man on +2348100515075

guest
guest

I've had this page bookmarked for years, and I just wanted to thank you for the post. I've been paying attention to each bit of advice when it comes to daily life with my wife. You know what? It works. We were in a rough patch when I found this article because I was willing to do anything to save our marriage. I followed a few of these tips - some more than others - along with other ideas I had to re-introduce the "flavor" into our married life. She noticed, she got happier...and so did I. Thanks a ton!

DebbyJohnson
DebbyJohnson

My name is Angelia am from USA. i want to use this opportunity to thank my great doctor who really made my life a pleasurable one today. This great man DR.Abu Fatima brought my husband back to me, i had three lovely kids for my husband, about four years ago i and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me for one lady. i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, until one day i met a good friend of mine that was also in a situation like me but her problem was her ex-boyfriend who she had an unwanted pregnancy for and he refused to take responsibility and dumped her. she told me that mine was a small case and that i should not worry about it at all, so i asked her what was the solution to my problems and she gave me this great man email address. i was doubting if this man was the solution, so i contacted this great man and he told me what to do and i deed them all, he told me to wait for just two day and that my husband will come crawling on his kneels just for forgiveness so i faithfully deed what this great man asked me to do and for sure after two days i heard a knock on the door, in a great surprise i saw him on his kneels and i was speechless, when he saw me, all he did was crying and asking me for forgiveness, from that day, all the pains and sorrows in my heart flew away,since then i and my husband and our lovely kids are happy.that’s why i want to say a big thank you to DR.Abu Fatima spiritual temple. This great man made me to understand that there is no problem on earth that has no solution so please if you know that you have this same problem or any problem that is similar, i will advise you to come straight to this great man. you can email him at:[email protected]

STACIMCELHANNON
STACIMCELHANNON

I am guilty of each of the 16.  So how do we keep from making those mistakes again?


Complacency is such an enemy.


It is frightening, isn't it?  I want to be in love again.  I want to be married again.  I LIKED being married.  If I had had any choice in the matter, I never would have left the marriage I had.  I would have done everything to save it.  But since I can only control me, and my actions, there was absolutely nothing I could do.


So what if...what if complacency does not occur, and I keep these 16 from entering my life, and it still ends?


Because this is the real enemy, isn't it?  The risk.  The lack of control.



KimberlyGistCollins
KimberlyGistCollins

I agree with all of it. I also think that telling people what not to do is just as valuable as telling people what to do. My husband and I have worked very hard not to do any of these things, except for the farting. As a result, we've been incredibly happy for 20 years together. It hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows, but it's been as close as I beleive it can get. After all this time, we are still crazy in love, and we still hold hands all of the time( and kiss, and do all of all of those hubba hubba things you would assume die out after being married so long.) If you follow your own advice, I have no doubt you'll find and keep that special someone you want.

Elle
Elle

#16 is the most important - or at least, it's important not to do what Dan did.  My boyfriend (of 8 years) is reeeaaallly good at this.  After we're done talking (we rarely fight, but we do get upset with each other sometimes), he makes sure to check-in that we're ok and he slowly initiates sex.  I've come to expect it now.  Think about that.  I expect that after a fight, we'll have make-up sex.  It makes the fighting not so bad...  :)

SarahFabia
SarahFabia

I am so excited that i got married with the man in my life. And  thanks to dr anu who bring my man back to me. This is unbelievable the man i love so much left me over four months after will plans to get married  he said he can't live the same roof with me i try all i could to get him back but nothing work for me. day and night i keep on crying because i love him so much and i can't do without him  i was so ashamed because all will plans about our marriage was in Vail on faithful morning i was reading on internet blogs i saw testimony of a lady how dr. Anu bring back her husband and restored her marriage. After reading her testimony something came in my mind, that's  was how i email Dr. Anu for help and two days after dr  email me back that he was in the mountain. after that i explained my problem to him about my man and he told me not to worry that every thing will be fine that he will cast the spell  for my man to come back and restore my marriage. I was very happy when he said that.  i assist for his request for my work to be done after three days my man called me on phone,  apologize for the pains he put me through ever since he left me. I was so happy because I love him so much two days after, my man came back home. and  will got married the following week, now we live happily. i  am so happy about my life and i   will keep on  testified about dr. Anu he is solid spiritual Dr you can also email him for help! [email protected]

SarahFabia
SarahFabia

I am so excited that i got married with the man in my life. And  thanks to dr anu who bring my man back to me. This is unbelievable the man i love so much left me over 3months months after will plans to get married  he said he can't live the same roof with me i try all i could to get him back but nothing work for me. day and night i keep on crying because i love him so much and i can't do without him  i was so ashamed because all will plans about our marriage was in Vail on faithful morning i was reading on internet blogs i saw testimony of a lady how dr. Anu bring back her husband and restored her marriage. After reading her testimony something came in my mind, that was how i email Dr. Anu for help and two days after dr  email me back that he was in the mountain after that i explained my problem to him about my man and he told me not to worry that every thing will be fine that he will cast the spell for two days for my man to come back and restore my marriage. I was very happy when he said that.  i assist for his request for my work to be done after three days my man called me on phone,  apologize for the pains he put me through ever since he left me. I was so happy because I love him so much two days after, my man came back home. and  will got married the following week after he came back home. i  am so happy about my life and i   will keep on  testified about dr. Anu he is solid spiritual Dr you can also email him for help! [email protected]
(or contact me through my email: [email protected] for you not to be cheat by any fake Dr on internet.

finneas123
finneas123

It's ashamed we don't live longer.  I've been through 2 marriages also, and I've tried to learn from my past mistakes as well. I think all 16 of your lessons are hard learned and great advice to others.  Very thoughtful of you to post.

OmoOmo
OmoOmo

My husband broke up with me a month ago because of the little misunderstanding will had, he was dating other young lady and he never take me out again he was totally changed and he never listen to any thing i told him. one day he came and told me he is bringing in other lady in our home, i was so frustrated so when i came across Dr.airiohuodion ([email protected]) how he use to rebuild broken home and make their family to reunite together again, so i quickly email him and explain all my problem to him and he guarantee me that my husband will definable want me back after the reunite spell. After everything my husband (SAM) came back to tell me he still love and cherish me that he promise never to cheat on me any more i was so happy and i quickly email Dr.airiohuodion ([email protected]) and thank him for the wonderful spell, he was God sent and if you need his helping hand contact his direct email at.([email protected]).

malisa john2
malisa john2

I neverthought I could hold a man of my own until I meet Dr love every man I come across with will always end up breaking my heart and leaving me all alone to my self. So I decided to live without a man because I was tired of it all, I should be holding my child by now that is what my mother always told me so i started avoiding my mother. It became a major problem to me because every one think that I can not manage a man that is why they are always leaving me. When I heard of Dr love I contacted him and told he my problem. He advice me to calm down and said he was going to work on me after every thing he told me the first man who I will come today is going to be my husband ,every thing went accordingto as he has said today am happily marriedwith 2 kid. My brother was also experiencing the same thing women do not last in his hand he also contacted him and today he is living with his girlfriend. He has really done a lot for us that is whyI have took some time out today to tell the world of his good work to us .and for any relationship problem like from wanting your ex back, not been able to hold on to one womanor a man ,you like some one but ca not have him or her just contact him at [email protected] or call him +2348169591194

Cathy Elaine
Cathy Elaine

Pain is an excellent teacher, I've found, if we simply pay attention to its lessons. On the other hand, we can save ourselves much pain by learning from someone else's experience. :)  Thank you for having the courage to share this.

JessicaMorgan
JessicaMorgan

hello everyone this really worked and i am proud to testify also. i saw a post on how a lady got her husband back and i decided to try this prophet that helped her because my relationship was crashing. although i never believed in spiritual work i reluctantly tried him because i was desperate but to my greatest surprise this prophet helped me and my relationship is now perfect just as he promised my husband now treats me like a queen even when he had told me before he doesn't love me anymore. well, i can not say much but if you are passing through difficulties in your relationship try him here is his email [email protected] of a truth he really helps again his email his [email protected]

kimberley
kimberley

i agree with everything you wrote. im also divorced and when i look back me and my ex would still be together if we did the good things on this list instead of every negative thing. hindsight is always 20/20.

rachelv36
rachelv36

I just came across your blog today....what I've read so far has made me laugh, almost cry (the Costco story), get angry along with you, and think. I have been a single mother for 5 years after marrying my long time high school sweetheart and giving him 10 years of marriage on top of the 6 years of dating.....I thought I knew him and US and was comfortable...For lack of a better example...the rug was pulled out from under my feet, I was sucker punched in the stomach, my world fell apart and now this man I spent so much of my life with was gone, out of the blue, cowardly with no goodbye, no explanation, no time to breathe, and he chooses to have nothing to do with not only me, (which I could eventually accept) but his two precious daughters as well while living less than 5 miles away!!! No phone calls, no birthday cards, no visits, no questions on how they are doing, no softball games, piano recitals, ballet recitals, awards days at school, no thought, no concern. And these are some pretty awesome kids, if I do say so myself. I questioned so many things and tried to find answers and reasons and found that there is NO reason, NO excuse and NO justification for any of it, but especially on how he could so easily discarded his own flesh and blood, his children. It's been hard, needless to say. BUT,  I can honestly say, I have learned more about marriage and relationships through divorce than I ever learned while being married. And I am sure there is a lot left to learn. NOT that I want to do it again any time soon.....lol. Marriage is hard. It is in marriage that you learn patience, love, understanding, patience, what's important, appreciation, patience, service, compromise, compassion and many other things.....(did I mention, patience??) and we learn by doing and practicing.....so yeah, it takes work....but, worth it if we are willing. Thank you for being honest in your posts! I have enjoyed them so far! 

IHaveALightInTheDark
IHaveALightInTheDark

I'm not married, but I am dating a wonderful woman, living with her for 3 years, and always being asked when I'll pop the question. I think I now realized something.... I keep saying it's money, or finding a ring she won't break during hockey season.... But I think I may have figured it out.... It's fear. I am afraid. Not of the cost of said ring or it being broken... but of my heart being broken...


I am afraid of it not working out, of being divorced, of splitting up, of ruining everything because I just didn't seem to care enough, to love enough. I have been afraid... because I feared I'd screw it up. I always tend to mess things up. Pick her up form the airport? I went to the wrong airport! I've yelled, I've shouted, I've walked out in anger, I've refused to back off.... and I've been afraid each time afterwards.... I'm afraid that if I put a ring on it, that ring will be built on aweak foundation and fragile framework....


But after reading this... after reading your article... I feel as though now I have the words of wisdom, the advice of a man who has walked this path and has come out a great guy after it all. Words of experience on how I can do things right, do them now, and keep doing them, so that I don't have to be afraid... I won't have to fear her saying no, or fear her divorcing me because I did something stupid.... like go to the wrong church on our wedding... I won't have to fear getting married, because we'll both be happy before and after the ring. So thank you. Thank you for this advise and for writing this so that I can be a better man today, to be a great husband tomorrow. Thank you.

Indiana Jones
Indiana Jones

Thank you for writing this. I needed it more than you could know.

JennySherva
JennySherva

Best advice I have ever heard... AND it works... when you are having a fight, hold hands. It is hard to be angry and yell when you're holding someones hand.


Recently, my husband and I were on the verge of separating, partly due to his anger issues, but when we finally got the chance to talk I sat on the bed and faced him holding his hand and telling him how I felt about everything, he stayed calm enough to listen. Glad to say we did not separate and we are still working on our relationship.

Rather Erh
Rather Erh

I'm 26. I've been in (yes, only) 4 relationships. Ever. All long-term. Twice engaged, but I called the engagements off and ran from the other two. They were bad, crushing, abusive, exhausting, and dare I say love-less. Granted, I have either terrible luck, or just a terrible read of people. Perhaps not a one was better than the last because I don't know how to spot it.
I have decided I don't want to go through it all over again, because I just don't trust or believe that it could be good anymore. I even wrote out what I'd look for to make sure I didn't try again.
Mum's advice today was, "Even when a man asks you how you are doing, he does not genuinely want to know the answer. He is making conversation."
My little cousin is getting married this weekend and I decided to write them something, to which my Dad's response was, "Yeah, 'cause you're -so- good at making things work"
People are calling me bitter and jaded, and I suppose they're not wrong.
Although, this is unfortunately touching, and gives me a little hope.. That I, maybe, one day, might come across someone who is all that or at the very least puts effort toward it.
Well written, Mr. Pearce.
OO! Part 2!
 

SarahWonegan
SarahWonegan

I love this.  On my second marriage and trying to not do all of these things.  If I had to add a #17, it would be: "Don't go to bed without him and don't let him go to bed without you."


Married people go to bed at the same time.  If I'm tired and he wants to stay up, I lay on the couch with my head in his lap while he reads or dorks out with a device.  If he's tired, I go to bed with him and snuggle and usually realize I'm tired too.

MMoore
MMoore

Tears ...From a twice divorced person to another, such great advice.  Not quite sure I want a third try, but great advice to keep in mind.

Nbaker22
Nbaker22

I'm actually incredibly upset with myself after reading this because until I did I did not realize I do a lot of these things. I've been with my fiance for about 2 years now, we have a 9 month old son together and I love her to death. But her and I both have been under an incredible amount of stress due to debt, raising our son, and our house burning down. Ever since the fire we've been trying to get back on our feet. We're staying with her dad until we can afford a place of our own but we've been having to borrow from him just to buy essentials for us. Food for our baby, food for us, gas so I can work, ect. Now we're into him for about $7000. He wants half of my paycheck as soon as I get it. My fiance says I should just do it so he'll leave us alone but when I try to tell her that if I do that that we'll just have to borrow it all back just to survive. We'd be in an endless loop. So this always starts a fight that could last 2 weeks. I always shut her out, ignore her, purposely piss her off just to make myself feel better. But after reading this now I realized that I'm horribly in the wrong when it comes to dealing with our arguments and that I need to fix this or I am going to lose this girl who is my soulmate. Thank you for posting this.  

Misty
Misty

Most amazing thing I've ever read. Hit every single item square on the head. Thank you! I wish I had found this years ago.

Smits
Smits

Dude. Wtf is a damn SPELL caster? And why are their posts not moderated? Lmao!

guestasme
guestasme

my soon to be ex crushed with the weight of his angry words and harsh judgments. I could do no right, my heart, mind, body and soul burned out 


somehow your words made me remember all of that so very vividly and I cried again as I used to cry in those days. its ok tho.. it'll make it possible to appreciate a laugh all that much more

Kelsi C
Kelsi C

My ex used to do 90 percent of the things listed above, and I still resent him for it to this day.  However, I am with a new man (and we are expecting a baby in September!), and though our relationship is not perfect and we both make mistakes, I love him and he actually is very good about not doing most of the things listed above.  I realized from reading the list above that I do to him though, many of those things and that I am just hurting our relationship by doing so.  Thank you so much Dan, this list has helped me and I know will help a lot of people in their relationships and marriages.  

CH
CH

Very inciteful. It's very hard to point the finger at yourself, but so important to recognize your contributions/shortcomings in the relationship. My husband and I have been married for 21 years and we do most of what you suggest in your top 16. Our marriage has always been a work in progress and it always will be. In 21 years you have many ups and downs. The one thing I will say that has stayed constant is his faith in me and my faith in him. It's work to be married, but you get out what you out into it.

Mike Wozniak
Mike Wozniak

Those are good advice and some of them work for women as well. 

I am totally sharing it, and I'll also send it to my girlfriend. 

Not only so that she acts like that, but also so that she knows I know, and then she can call me on it when I misbehave. ;)

WasSingleDadAlsoLaughing
WasSingleDadAlsoLaughing

All great stuff - but I gotta disagree with the no arguing in front of the kids.  On the surface, this is top notch advice...don't teach your kids how to play dirty or just be an inflexible asshole in their primary relationships.  However, there is a lot to be said for showing your kids how to have a disagreement, or dispute or just a a plain ol' argument with your spouse - how else are they gonna learn how to have a healthy relationship with their future spouse, which will surely involve arguments?

EK
EK

Dan I think you just saved my marriage and by doing so saved my life.  Thank you for opening the door to your heart and letting others take a look from the outside in.


ColinAgius
ColinAgius

one of the ironies of life, the more you know, the less life you have left

DH
DH

I have no spells to cast. Nor do I want to call a spell caster.

However, I did like your blog post :)

Kerry
Kerry

I just saw these, and haven't read through the over 5000 comments, but I would argue with one of your list: I think you should argue in front of the kids. I think you should choose the argument and I this only works if divorce is not an option, but I think that unless kids see people who love each other disagree, get angry and still love each other through it, then the anxiety level for them goes way high any time anything goes south. And kids know, even if you don't argue in front of them. So argue (don't get mean, but don't fake an argument either), and then forgive and move on. Kids will learn that we can be angry with someone (even them) and still love them. We can be angry with our spouse and we won't split up like most the their friends' parents. They can see conflict resolution in real time without the Disney ending. I think arguing in front of the kids is a good thing to do.

Fen
Fen

Interesting list.  Some good truth in there.  Also LOL @ the countless Nigerian scam spell caster posts.  A quick tip to you scammers:  One post might make someone curious.  A page full of posts that all sound the same is an obvious scam and even elderly grandmas who know nothing about the internet know enough to stay far away from this crap.

TE
TE

How did this turn into a love potion/spell commercial?  Spells and potions?   Really?  I'd be skeptical about the effectiveness and duration of such things even if I believed in them.

Anyway, my 2nd wife of 5 years called me out on a recent "questionable" investment I made without consulting her (again) and in a litany of unsuppressed rage, covered most of the items you listed here as unjustified and unacceptable faults of my own.  I was shocked, ashamed, and humbled by the accuracy of her observations.  For someone who was as good a husband as thought I was, I was a real Jerk.  It was a badly needed eye-opener.


So thank you for offering your experiences as wisdom for the rest of us.  I should have seen it 6 months ago and saved myself a painful comeuppance. 

I've changed my ways drastically and she's a lot "friendlier".




STACIMCELHANNON
STACIMCELHANNON

@finneas123 This is why I very much hope that reincarnation is truth.  I need more tries!  I will get this right...right?   ;)


malisa john2
malisa john2

@IHaveALightInTheDark I neverthought I could hold a man of my own until I meet Dr love every man I come across with will always end up breaking my heart and leaving me all alone to my self. So I decided to live without a man because I was tired of it all, I should be holding my child by now that is what my mother always told me so i started avoiding my mother. It became a major problem to me because every one think that I can not manage a man that is why they are always leaving me. When I heard of Dr love I contacted him and told he my problem. He advice me to calm down and said he was going to work on me after every thing he told me the first man who I will come today is going to be my husband ,every thing went accordingto as he has said today am happily marriedwith 2 kid. My brother was also experiencing the same thing women do not last in his hand he also contacted him and today he is living with his girlfriend. He has really done a lot for us that is whyI have took some time out today to tell the world of his good work to us .and for any relationship problem like from wanting your ex back, not been able to hold on to one womanor a man ,you like some one but ca not have him or her just contact him at [email protected] or call him +2348169591194

malisa john2
malisa john2

@Rather Erh I neverthought I could hold a man of my own until I meet Dr love every man I come across with will always end up breaking my heart and leaving me all alone to my self. So I decided to live without a man because I was tired of it all, I should be holding my child by now that is what my mother always told me so i started avoiding my mother. It became a major problem to me because every one think that I can not manage a man that is why they are always leaving me. When I heard of Dr love I contacted him and told he my problem. He advice me to calm down and said he was going to work on me after every thing he told me the first man who I will come today is going to be my husband ,every thing went accordingto as he has said today am happily marriedwith 2 kid. My brother was also experiencing the same thing women do not last in his hand he also contacted him and today he is living with his girlfriend. He has really done a lot for us that is whyI have took some time out today to tell the world of his good work to us .and for any relationship problem like from wanting your ex back, not been able to hold on to one womanor a man ,you like some one but ca not have him or her just contact him at [email protected] or call him +2348169591194

Galindalee
Galindalee

@SusanWest2  Now work on yourself.  Marriage is a two-way street, and women are KNOWN to have acid tongues.  I know my ex-husband wasn't perfect; in fact he was judgemental, stingy, and controlling.  But I think that I could have turned things around considerably myself, if I realized that he wasn't always at fault.  I am now 16 years into my second marriage, and I have done EVERYTING differently.  Consequently, we have a fantastic marriage; I pamper him, and he pampers me, and we NEVER fight!  Oh, we can occasionally get a little peckish, but nothing every comes of it, and our exchanges never escalate into a fight. 


Galindalee
Galindalee

@Kerry  I would suggest it be more of a lively debate, since arguing usually brings out name-calling and loud voices.