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16 Ways I Blew My Marriage

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dan-pearce-16-ways
7. DON’T BE STINGY WITH YOUR MONEY.
As the main bread earner, I was always so stingy with the money. I’d whine about the cost of her shampoo or that she didn’t order water at restaurants, or that she’d spend so much money on things like pedicures or hair dye jobs. But seriously. I always had just as many if not more things that I spent my money on, and in the end, the money was spent, we were just fine, and the only thing my bitching and moaning did was bring undo stress to our relationship.
IF I HAD IT TO DO-OVER: I’d tell her I trusted her to buy whatever she wanted, whenever she felt like she needed it. And then, I’d actually trust her to do it.
BONUS! sometimes she will make bad purchase decisions, which leads to makeup purchase decisions. Like that new gadget you’ve had your eyes on.
8. DON’T ARGUE IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.
There was never any argument that was so important or pressing that we couldn’t wait to have it until the kids weren’t there. I don’t think it takes a rocket scientist or super-shrink to know why fighting in front of the kids is a dangerous and selfish way of doing things.
IF I HAD IT TO DO-OVER: I would never, ever, not even once fight in front of the kids, no matter how big or how small the issue was. I’d maybe make a code word that meant, “not with the kids here.”
BONUS! when you wait to fight, usually you both realize how stupid or unimportant the fight was and the fight never happens.
9. DON’T ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER TO SKIP WORKING OUT.
I always thought it was love to tell my spouse, “I don’t care if you don’t take care of yourself. I don’t care if you don’t exercise. I don’t care if you let yourself go.” But that was lying, and it was lying when she said it to me because the truth is, we did care and I wish that we would have always told each other how sexy and attractive the other was any time we’d go workout or do something to become healthier.
IF I HAD IT TO DO-OVER: I’d ask her to tell me that she cared. I’d ask her to encourage me to go to the gym. I’d ask her to remind me of my goals and tell me I’m strong enough to keep them.
BONUS! exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. And happy people don’t kill other people. (Name that movie!)
10. DON’T POOP WITH THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN.
I don’t know why, but at some point I started thinking it was okay to poop with the bathroom door open, and so did she. First of all, it’s gross. Second of all, it stinks everything up. Third of all, there is literally no way to make pooping attractive, which means that every time she saw me do it, she, at least in some little way, would have thought I was less attractive.
IF I HAD IT TO DO-OVER: I’d shut the damn door and poop in private.
BONUS! when she does think of your naked body, she’s not going to be thinking about it in a grunting/squatting position.
11. DON’T STOP KISSING HER.
It always got to a point when I’d more or less stop kissing her. Usually it was because things were stressful and there was tension in our relationship, and so I’d make it worse by refusing to kiss her. This of course would lead to her feeling rejected. Which would of course lead to arguments about it. Other times I had my own issues with germs and whatnot.
IF I HAD IT TO DO-OVER: I’d kiss her in the morning when she looked like people do in the morning. I’d kiss her at night when she’s had a long day. I’d kiss her any time I felt like she secretly wanted a kiss. And, I’d kiss her even when my germ issues kicked in.
BONUS! she feels loved when you kiss her. That’s bonus enough.
12. DON’T STOP HAVING FUN TOGETHER.
Age shouldn’t matter. Physical ability shouldn’t matter. Couples should never stop having fun with each other, and I really wish I wouldn’t have gotten into so many ruts in which we didn’t really go out and do anything. And, I’ve been around the block enough times to know that when the fun is missing, and the social part of life is missing, so also goes missing the ability to be fully content with each other.
IF I HAD IT TO DO-OVER: I’d make a rule with her that we’d never stay home two weekends in a row.
BONUS! awesome stories and awesome memories come from doing awesome things. And so do cherished embarrassing moments.

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5499 comments
Smith Davia
Smith Davia

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Mickee Southwell
Mickee Southwell

Dan, I read that story over a year ago and it was such an eye opener. I was in a marriage with a man that made so many of those same mistakes, but mostly, he took for granted that I was always there, until I wasn't. Your story is great for any one in a serious relationship!

Crystal Lewis
Crystal Lewis

This post helped me come to terms with the fact that my marriage was over. A year later, I'm following you on FB because you give me hope. Sending a sincere thanks your way.

LauraBenson
LauraBenson

Today is my wedding anniversary and I have a lot to rejoice about. My husband is home and we are celebrating together. The Enemy came in and tried to have his way and that's when I found your email and I am standing ever since. Although my husband never physically left, Dr Lawrence brought his heart home and today we can celebrate each other. Dr Lawrence has been so good and so helpful to us. What a great man you are thank you so much [email protected]

Jessica Noyb
Jessica Noyb

This is the blog post that originally brought me to your blog. You, and your blog have brought a lot of laughter, and some tears into my life, you have also brought a way for me to get back in control of my health. Thanks Dan. For what you might ask, just being you.. that is all we can and were meant to do.

Kate Escalera
Kate Escalera

fabulously well timed - all these things can go both ways.

Sheri Wilson
Sheri Wilson

Dan I swear you're the male version of myself. Creepy.

Emma Tucker
Emma Tucker

Yep, married 2x- 2nd one is failing but we're holding in for the kids. Because THAT works so well. I hope we can both find our happy place very soon.

LauraBenson
LauraBenson

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WalshBob
WalshBob

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Julie Salmons
Julie Salmons

#10 goes both ways and I will never again allow bathroom activities to be done with the door open by me or my significant other.

Tiffany Adams
Tiffany Adams

This is one of the best and deserves recognition...

Jo Anna Stan
Jo Anna Stan

I shared because this is good advice for couples. But as for myself, Is it okay for right this minute, that I'm happy being a single mom? Our lives are great and I don't want to complicate things \U0001f618

MarisHoover
MarisHoover

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Anissa M Pratte
Anissa M Pratte

Wow...gave me some tears....I too have had two failed marriages. When ever someone comes to be about how they are aggravated with their spouse. ....my answer is always....lets trade shoes. Come do this reality thing alone ....with out your partner. Always remember why you feel for that person in the first place......thank you for writing that...it will help so many people.

Tamara Ede
Tamara Ede

Loved this one. Haven't read it in awhile.

Al Dente
Al Dente

"Don't point out her weaknesses" YES this is so hurtful and yet it seems to always happen. People just want to be accepted and appreciated!

Kim Wollrab
Kim Wollrab

love your blog! this is particularly insightful..makes me think about what I can do differently today.

Beth Dyer Stanford
Beth Dyer Stanford

This was what first caught my eye. I haven't missed a post since.

Angela
Angela

Very thoughtful article. We live, we learn. You did ask us to comment on what we thought so here goes. #8 Don't fight in front of the kids.  Well, true, you never want to have a knock down, drag down ugly brewhaha in front of them.  But never, ever, having a fight or disagreement in front of them can also have a down side. They many not ever learn how to have healthy disagreement with their significant other. Show them how to have a difference of opinion while having respect for the other person. Don't use ugly words, don't yell or stamp around and throw things. Have a dialog. If you can't come to a resolution and things get heated, then use the safe word to table it until you can revisit it without them there.  End it with something like, I guess we have to agree to disagree and give each other a kiss. This teaches them so many things. Like we are not always going to agree, that we can openly share our thoughts and opinions, and after all is said and done we still love each other.  

Just my thought and opinion.  

Jeanne Redlinger
Jeanne Redlinger

Very wise. If you marry again you'll be so much more prepared and she will be a lucky woman.

Jama Fahrenkrog
Jama Fahrenkrog

I have a printed copy of all 36(?) items. I reread them pretty regularly. Great advice here!!

Kari Granberg
Kari Granberg

Aaron Granberg you should take time to read this :) love you babe!

Tina Stewart Bryant
Tina Stewart Bryant

I think everyone gets a little lackadaisical but if you truly enjoy that person it's easier. Honestly some marriages just are never going to work. Great advice though!

Erin Sinclair
Erin Sinclair

Seriously? To all the "men" poopooing this post, that he is acting like a beta not an alpha male, not acting like a man, being wimpy. You will or are never going to be truly happy in a relationship with a healthy well balanced strong woman until you rethink your Neaderthal ways and values. Do we want you strong? Of course but if your idea of maleness is aggression, dominance, and pissing on your territory is it, the divorce rate will continue to soar. Last I read the Neandethal became extinct. Good luck with your attitudes, you're a dying breed, thankfully.

Katrina Degeler
Katrina Degeler

I read these when it first went viral and have read it again since. Fantastic writing. Will plan to read again for reminders.

Kelly Hughes
Kelly Hughes

#1 lesson learned for me is that no one belongs to anyone. Not your spouse, not your kids, no one. They are here to live their own lives with their own dreams and desires. As soon as possession comes into it, there is expectation, followed closely by disappointment, and resentment. Celebrate your wonderful and unique partner, and thank your lucky stars they chose to share their awesomeness with YOU.

Jessica Erin
Jessica Erin

Loved it the first time it was going around, love it even more now that I'm going through a divorce!

Shara Leddy
Shara Leddy

I love this blog. You want to try for a third time? \U0001f618 Also, this kid totes gets what you're on about.

Kelly Gagnon
Kelly Gagnon

Nice! Even better than lacey white ways to have a perfect marriage-truth in how it goes wrong is so useful!

Jen Lutz Brandow
Jen Lutz Brandow

Dan I have enjoyed many of your posts, but this one may be the best! It comes from the heart and is dead on! Thanks for writing it, we can all learn something to help our current relationship or get ready for the next one!!!

last_remaining_username
last_remaining_username

@Angela  I signed up just so I could say that I straight-up agree with this post.  The only thing I would add would be to know your limits ahead of time; some topics should be tabled from the get-go, and parents should not push it when that's the case.       


But, you are so right about the importance of teaching children that they need to be able to disagree without being disagreeable.  Also, it doesn't benefit children for them to grow up thinking that marriage (or any relationship, for that matter) is all sunshine and roses all of the time.  It benefits them to know that relationships in general, and marriage in particular, takes work and often requires compromise.


This way, God forbid, if your child does walk in on a heated moment, they aren't going to worry that their world could be falling apart.  They will know that their parents might have differing opinions, but that they always kiss and make up.