7. Don’t be stingy with your money.
As the main bread earner, I was always so stingy with the money. I’d whine about the cost of her shampoo or that she didn’t order water at restaurants, or that she’d spend so much money on things like pedicures or hair dye jobs. But seriously. I always had just as many if not more things that I spent my money on, and in the end, the money was spent, we were just fine, and the only thing my bitching and moaning did was bring undo stress to our relationship.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d tell her I trusted her to buy whatever she wanted, whenever she felt like she needed it. And then, I’d actually trust her to do it.
BONUS! sometimes she will make bad purchase decisions, which leads to makeup purchase decisions. Like that new gadget you’ve had your eyes on.
8. Don’t argue in front of the kids.
There was never any argument that was so important or pressing that we couldn’t wait to have it until the kids weren’t there. I don’t think it takes a rocket scientist or super-shrink to know why fighting in front of the kids is a dangerous and selfish way of doing things.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I would never, ever, not even once fight in front of the kids, no matter how big or how small the issue was. I’d maybe make a code word that meant, “not with the kids here.”
BONUS! when you wait to fight, usually you both realize how stupid or unimportant the fight was and the fight never happens.
9. Don’t encourage each other to skip working out.
I always thought it was love to tell my spouse, “I don’t care if you don’t take care of yourself. I don’t care if you don’t exercise. I don’t care if you let yourself go.” But that was lying, and it was lying when she said it to me because the truth is, we did care and I wish that we would have always told each other how sexy and attractive the other was any time we’d go workout or do something to become healthier.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d ask her to tell me that she cared. I’d ask her to encourage me to go to the gym. I’d ask her to remind me of my goals and tell me I’m strong enough to keep them.
BONUS! exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. And happy people don’t kill other people. (Name that movie!)
10. Don’t poop with the bathroom door open.
I don’t know why, but at some point I started thinking it was okay to poop with the bathroom door open, and so did she. First of all, it’s gross. Second of all, it stinks everything up. Third of all, there is literally no way to make pooping attractive, which means that every time she saw me do it, she, at least in some little way, would have thought I was less attractive.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d shut the damn door and poop in private.
BONUS! when she does think of your naked body, she’s not going to be thinking about it in a grunting/squatting position.
11. Don’t stop kissing her.
It always got to a point when I’d more or less stop kissing her. Usually it was because things were stressful and there was tension in our relationship, and so I’d make it worse by refusing to kiss her. This of course would lead to her feeling rejected. Which would of course lead to arguments about it. Other times I had my own issues with germs and whatnot.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d kiss her in the morning when she looked like people do in the morning. I’d kiss her at night when she’s had a long day. I’d kiss her any time I felt like she secretly wanted a kiss. And, I’d kiss her even when my germ issues kicked in.
BONUS! she feels loved when you kiss her. That’s bonus enough.
12. Don’t stop having fun together.
Age shouldn’t matter. Physical ability shouldn’t matter. Couples should never stop having fun with each other, and I really wish I wouldn’t have gotten into so many ruts in which we didn’t really go out and do anything. And, I’ve been around the block enough times to know that when the fun is missing, and the social part of life is missing, so also goes missing the ability to be fully content with each other.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make a rule with her that we’d never stay home two weekends in a row.
BONUS! awesome stories and awesome memories come from doing awesome things. And so do cherished embarrassing moments.
This is the 2nd part and you can find it here:
http://www.danoah.com/2012/10/the-other-16-ways-i-blew-my-marriage.html
Big Sigh .... Wow .... that was heart wrenching. Not only did it make me realize some of the things that happened within my own failed marriage, but it also allowed me to sadly see so many areas where we BOTH failed each other miserably. It truly is a two way street ... I certainly wouldn't want to turn back time, however, I am a big enough person to embrace the past, my mistakes and hopefully carry the wisdom forward into the next chapter/relationship in my life:) I look forward to the future and the new journey.
Damn good post....thanks for the honesty and I wish my husband would have looked at this list like 6 years ago
Clearly CaptainLadyMaiden you've never been in a worthwhile loving relationship....Anyway, I thought that was a very insightful article that truly points out some of the difficulties of relationships. I'm definitely going to share this with my significant other, which I think will help clarify some of the issues we face. Thanks for being direct and to the point...look forward to part 2!
Marriage sucks. Things should be simple, no ring no paper, no big party that a Dad should pay for, no something blue, new and all that shit. Nobody can tell me they are happy in a marriage, they will all say it, at first but privately later the truth comes out over a glass of wine when their spouse is not around. Ownership is bullshit and that's what that license is. Reality is porn is stashed, co workers fantasize about each other, everyone wishes they could take a trip with their friends and screw somebody on a tropical beach and leave.
This was very interesting. While reading it I made several discoveries! My husband practiced many of the "rules" this man suggested. And I did not even notice! Well I did but did not really appreciate it until we were no longer together, and I was with a man who did not practice any of those rules. Not to say it would have saved our marriage as there were other much bigger problems. But I wish I would have recognized that not all men treated their wives that way, and told him that he was special. The 2nd thing I discovered is that those rules are not exclusive to marriage. But could be used in any situation, at work, or if you have a roommate, or have to cooperate with another in any mutual capacity, to name a few. Enjoyed the read. Thanks for sharing.
@lilly_putt That's AMAZING.
I think this article is really honest where Single Dad admits he blew it. He may have at one point been somewhat selfish but he is saying this is why he lost two marriages. Well written too. And as a woman in a relationship with a bearded man, I say "I like beards!" On some men it looks even better than not having one! Good job here with this article. And Single Dad, don't let those few insanely negative comments bother you at all. The world is filled with angry people who never miss an opportunity to share their bitterness. Every article and even beautiful songs on You Tube has loads of them.
Great thoughts and perspective too bad it had to be after two losses of a possible good marriage! Hope you find your helpful thoughts changing you so you can find a great, growing relationship with your wife one day! Thanks for being a guy who failed who shared what you could have and would like to change in hindsight!
Thank you for posting! Even though some of it is "common sense"...that stuff has become not so common anymore. I'm glad you're being real & not posting marriage advice, but rather admitting where you messed up & helping others learn by your mistakes. :) So, thank you. I enjoyed reading it & remembering where I have room to grow in how I am with my husband.
Jennifer
I loved it the first time!!
Whomever posted negatively about you may find themselves to be petulant and insolent. You have described a "natural" progression of long-term relationships, which I am almost positive those people have not had. What an easy, yet oh-so-difficult list for both partners. These are things we all know, and yet... Laziness or some other thing gets in the way and we slip into this list. Then we slip into a separation. Thank you for posting this reminder.
@Teeks The list reads like some description of self-centered man who didn't deserve to have woman. I guess it goes to explain the current state of mind of the whole "ME" generation males. He blew his marriage because he was a selfish egomaniac rage filled child man. Plain and simple. He's just pandering to the female audience so they all go "Awwwwwwww..... so sweet" pffffft.... The list is just common sense that any ADULT would know.
@kooper I'm'm gonna take a wild guess and say your one of the ex wives...lol. You sound way too bitter towards this man to be just a passer by reader.
@Erin @RachelAbernathy Sorry, I take issue with someone who posts advice on relationships that obviously wasn't ready to be in one.
@kooper @RachelAbernathy Definitely just a troll. Sites that allow anonymous posting have more frequent problems with these people.
@RachelAbernathy Nope... just a man who understands what it means to be a man. Wrong guess Rachel.
You sound like a total douche bag. I would have dropped your sorry ass too. Name calling, yelling, shitting with the door open, really? And shave the beard! "I think his beard is soooo freaking hot" Said no woman ever!
@kooper Dude, simmer down now. He openly admits that he was an ass and that he learned from it. Isn't that what matters? Not everyone gets it right in the first go and that's alright as long as the next relationship is sucessful.
Yeah, he screwed up twice but it sounds like he had the epiphany and wants to share.
Also, I'm 13 years into my first marriage and I have a beard and my wife thinks it is HOT.
I shaved it off once and she wanted to know how long it would take to grow back. Not all women like the hairless little boy look. =/ So just remember, opinions are like butt holes - everyone has one but rarely do we want to hear it.
@kooper I know that this is feeding a troll so why do I do it? Much like, I know that I shouldn't ignore my partner for days after a fight, so why do I do it? The world may never know.
I beg my partner to not shave all of the time.
You have obviously never been in a committed, long-term relationship. Based on the written evidence before us, who is the "rage filled child man" in this scenario?
I believe that it was The Atlantic that just did an article revealing the different generations since the early 1900s that older generations have referred to as "Me" generations. It is a claim as old as speculation.
@Erin Well 25 years in a relationship constitutes long term. When I see women posting this article on their FB profiles I have a serious issues with that. Troll? Well call me what you like, truth is "Single Dad Laughing" needs to do some personal work before offering up any advice.
Sorry not buying the whole love a beard replys, that would be the same as saying, "Oh baby, your mustash, hairy legs and arm pits are turning me on!" Pffffft. as if.
@kooper You're probably just mad that you're a baby face and can't grow a beard yourself.
@kooper Well, when the beard hair is soft, feeling that on your whole body while your husband kisses you is pretty hot!
Well, it's a good thing we all aren't attracted to the same features. I'll take the nicely groomed beard any day.
As a woman, I LOVE beards. I do think they are "freaking hot."
@kooper Yes, some women like beards! I DO!!
Wow... I thought I was looking in the mirror while reading those, I feel to young to feel this old and be a single mom laughing :(
I wish my husband and I had read this when we first got married nearly 14 years ago, instead of today when I fear its to late to save this marriage. To many hurtful things said and done. I know I could see some things I did wrong in this list as well, he isn't the only one at fault, but I could see his downfalls in more than half of the listed 16. Just remember marriage is a partnership, both parties equally united to live together and solve their life's riddles. Ours became one sided with him as the master and me the servant. The constant criticism never offset by a compliment. Always having to stroke his ego and let him know he did something great no matter how small or insignificant it was. Begging for counseling to save the marriage. Turning down invites to things because he wouldn't want to go. Not going alone because it was frowned upon and the consequence wasn't worth the trouble. I think communication is huge. We don't have that. I don't hate him, I love him, I just don't want to grow old being mistreated anymore. Thanks for letting me vent.
These are great.
Write a book...from a woman on the other side who has been there!
Posts like this are always such a blessing to couples. Marriage is tough and the nicest people can get it wrong. You can imagine my surprise when I received an email from my hubby in the middle of the day with the following message and a link to your article:
"Hi babe. Came across this article this morning and while reading it, I had huge conviction. I really am sorry for all the bad stuff listed here that I have done and will do my level-best to prevent doing it in the future.
Your honeybunny"
The best words for any wife to hear and with no prompting whatsoever. Thanks for an honest and great article! :)
i will celebrate my 30th anniversary in just a few days and this is excellent!
@cynthia l Happy Anniversary! Ours is May 25 - 17 years!
My Wife is in the process of filing for divorce and I randomly came across this article today.
You have perfectly hit the nail on the head... maybe it isnt too late to right all my faults.
thank you for this amazing article.
I have a big one. Don't cheat on your partner. Especially not if she's moved 3500 miles and given up everything to be with you. Make sure your ego is strong enough so that if she's a little more successful than you, you can be proud, instead of jealous, of her. And if, after everything, the time comes that you want to be with someone else, do her the courtesy of leaving first instead of humiliating her.
Will you marry me? In all seriousness, FANTASTIC job and great insight!
Legally Blonde!
@DonkeyBoner42 this will be useful in your next marriage twitter.com/caseyleanne27/…
@caseyleanne27 @DonkeyBoner42 next marriage? are you guys Mormon? How many wives does the Boner have already???
I LOVE THIS! I am currently going through a divorce and it's rough. And I too have realized all the places and things I wished I did differently. Love it. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Basically never stop dating each other. Because when you're dating, you're always "trying". Why when we get married do we think that has to stop? Who knows. Thanks for this. Did I mention I love it? haha. ;)
Wouldn't let me edit so I will repost.
My wife of 10yrs emailed this to me and said make sure to read it all. So I did. I'm not sure if she asked me to read it because we do most of these things now. Or cause she wants me to do more of them. But it is great advice, and true. Also very hard to maintain everything here. All I know is we have great fun together and greater fights. But I can assure you that most couple envy us. We do everything together. Even work together. We look good we live good. But I guess since I'm unsure why she gave it to me. We can always do better. I think I would add one. Avoid sleeping in flannel PJs, the less on the better. Nothing feels better then skin. If its cold get an other blanket. I can assure you it's hotter. (I hope she reads 10 again so she can close the damn door). Stay hot people. Love u NK
RG
My wife of 10yrs emailed this to me and said make sure to read it all. So I did. I'm not sure if she asked me to read it because we do most of these things now. Or cause she wants me to do more of them. But it is great advice, and true. Also very hard to maintain everything here. All I know is we have great fun together and greater fights. But I can assure you that most couple envy us. We do everything together. Even work together. We look good we live good. But I guess since I'm unsure why she gave it to me. We can always do better. (I hope she reads 10 again so she can close the damn door)
And most important is to love the wife, the way a man does to his daughter.
i had my son read this before he went to boot camp. he and his wife and daughter were ilving with me, she was pregnant with their son, money was tight, and joe could not find work so army was his only option.. and he was very bitchy to his wife.. he read that blog.. and said nothing to me. but i noticed he was more loving to his wife, kinder, no longer acting superior..so,thanks:)
As a veteran of two failed marriages myself, well thought out valuable advice. So often we take one another for granted, never thinking that we may be destroying the very thing that we wanted in the first place. Married peeps....you've been warned.....
I'm a 25 year old man, currently single at the moment and nowhere near marriage, but this is all solid advice, and something I hope I keep in mind in the next relationship I'm in.
Thanks for writing this, it takes a lot of bravery to admit the shortcomings, especially something so personal to you.
I'd readily read a part 2 if you felt the need to write one.
I am pleasantly surprised with your honesty and humor...after 16 years of marriage myself, I was heartbroken when my exhusband filed for divorce, his excuse was he didn't love me as much as he did the day we got married. Its been almost 4 years divorced and I still am single and he is actually getting remarried next month, it hurts because he doesn't realize we could of just worked on fixing it instead of throwing it away...I love your humor and your sense of promise you have that one day you will make a great husband and partner after all the lessons you have learned. Thank you for sharing what many would say is failure, some of us admire honest and pain as long as lessons are learned. I enjoyed it...Marina Fregeolle
I am 5 years in this marriage game and I still have more things to learn, what a great read. Part 2???????
@mineer @danoah this is awesome
I love your list and would certainly enjoy reading part two. I have an awesome marriage (17 years happy), but I have to agree with you, it's because we do most of these things for each other. (Although I do wish my husband would cook for me. It never happened when we were dating though so...) It sounds like you've figured things out. If you choose to go for round three, you'll have the keys to a happy marriage. Make sure to listen to your own advice ;)