13. Don’t pressure each other.
Pressuring each other about anything is always a recipe for resentment. I always felt so pressured to make more money. I always felt so pressured to not slip in my religion. I always felt so pressured to feel certain ways about things when I felt the opposite. And I usually carried a lot of resentment. Looking back, I can think of just as many times that I pressured her, so I know it was a two-way street.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make it a point to celebrate the different views, opinions, and ways that she had of doing things. I’d find the beauty in differentiation, not the threat.
BONUS! authentic happiness becomes a real possibility. And so do authentic foot rubs.
14. Don’t label each other with negative labels.
Sometimes the easiest phrases to say in my marriage started with one of three things. Either, “you should have,” “you aren’t,” or “you didn’t.” Inevitably after each of those seemed to come something negative. And since when have negative labels ever helped anyone? They certainly never helped her. Or me. Instead, they seemed to make the action that sparked the label worsen in big ways.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I would learn to stop myself before saying any of those phrases, and then I’d switch them out for positive labels. Instead of “you should,” I’d say “you are great at.” Instead of saying “you aren’t,” I’d say “you are.” Instead of saying “you didn’t,” I’d say, “you did.” And then I’d follow it up with something positive.
BONUS! the noblest struggles become far more conquerable. And you don’t think or believe that you’re a schmuck, which is always nice.
15. Don’t skip out on things that are important to her.
It was so easy in marriage to veto so many of the things she enjoyed doing. My reasoning, “we can find things we both enjoy.” That’s lame. There will always be things she enjoys that I will never enjoy, and that’s no reason not to support her in them. Sometimes the only thing she needs is to know that I’m there.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d attend many more of the events that she invited me to. I would actively participate and not tell all the reasons why I’d do it differently or how it could be better or more fun or time better spent.
BONUS! go to something she knows you don’t enjoy and the gratitude gets piled on later that night, like whipped cream on a cheesecake.
16. Don’t emotionally distance yourself after a fight.
I never got to experience the power of make-up sex because any time my wife was mean or we got in a fight, I’d completely distance myself from her, usually for several days. Communication would shut down and I’d avoid contact at all cost. This never let things get worked out, and eventually after it had happened enough times I’d explode unnecessarily.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d let myself communicate my emotions and feelings more often, and I’d make sure that she knew I still loved her any time we had an ugly bout. Sure, we’d give each other some distance. But not days of distance.
BONUS! Fantastic make-up sex. Or at least that’s the theory.
I had lots more written out, but the list started getting super long so I’ll stop right there and maybe do a part 2. It’s amazing when you’ve had relationships end, just how much you learn and know you could have done differently, isn’t it?
My sister and her new husband will be amazing. Hopefully she’ll always be giving amazing marriage advice in the future and never have to hand out the “keep your marriage from ending” advice like I get to.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. Would love your comments on today’s posts. What do you agree/disagree with? What advice did I miss?
UPDATE: Part 2 of this list posted!
I think all of this is GREAT advice. I have been married for nearly 5 years and I think my marriage would be better if I stuck with some of those things that I don't do, and I know it's good points are because my husband does do a lot of the things that you mention are things to continue to do. The only thing I think should be slightly amended is the reasoning you use behind "Don't always point out her weaknesses." I definitely think that it's easy for pointing out your partner's weaknesses to turn into overkill. I think you should pinpoint the things that you know could help your marriage, or their relationships with other people, and then bring it up during a neutral time, not during a fight. And when you bring it up, sandwich it between two compliments of things your parent does really well. That seems to have good results for me. But when it's little things, the constant critique drives me crazy.
I really appreciated this!!! Thanks for sharing!
You are right on! With EVERY "rule/tip/experience/advice" whatever you want to call it. I couldn't agree more! Especially the ones about Never stop kissing her, or holding her hand. I'm going through this right now with the person I'm dating, and it hurts more than you can ever imagine! Rejection is the exact word for the way I feel. Also with the no fighting in front of the kids, I try so hard but I slip up more times than not and I pray I will see this post in my head next time I start fighting.....Thank you though for posting this. I will forever remember this and begin practicing these now and forever in any relationship. You should write a book! :)
I loved this!! <3 You made a TON of great points.
I loved the list and can concur with most of the bonus items!
Smiling because I actually do all those things, and more, in my current relationship. It's amazing, we're amazing...and none of it feels like "work."
Sadly, it took me 2 divorces and an embarrassing number of failures to figure all of this out for myself. Somewhat in my defense, I was a decent to great husband but obviously terrible at choosing the wife part of the equation.
Well said, sir...thanks!
Loved this, it felt as if this was written by me. Hope people take this one to heart, I've been married twice, first went downhill because of these problems (and more) second, was a circumstance neither of us could have avoided, and I'm in a almost 10 year relationship with and we're going strong, though we could be stronger, when it's all out on paper like this it might be easier to re enforce what we have :)
@brandonmiq I didn't know you were married.
@molamac. nope, but i pay attention to good advice when it's given ;-)
@brandonmiq @molamac Hey Guys! Oh.......
@AlexMcEachin @brandonmiq Yeah. Bummer.
I think the post is right on the money for both men and women. It boils down to not taking your spouse for granted. And every day you get to court them and win them over again. Im not sure why people think its a one time thing. Its an ongoing thing, that turns into a lifetime. Thank you for posting, and by the way, its is great marriage advice.
My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years - my first marriage, his second. We're worked really hard at not making these mistakes. Our marriage isn't perfect but it's very close! (OK - I'm biased). Holding hands sounds so simple but it's powerful so is the morning kiss. This is a great post and I'm going to keep it as a reminder.
I don't know how many times I've experienced all of these issues, as either the giver or the reciever. I never put this down in words. I think now I will print out your list and put it in a place where I can see it every day as a reminder. Also for a chuckle and a smile. The best way to start your day when you can't have a kiss with out kissing the mirror...lol
Dan this is truly one of the most humorous, but most of all honest post ever. Not only will men learn from your advice women wil learn too. Not only will I like this post I will share it a lot. I think after single women read this you will be getting some marriage proposals buddy. I'm not kidding. Through your mistakes you have become an honorable man Any woman would be lucky to have the new you. I look forward to reading you post on a regular basis.
So the female is innocent in the equation?
From a 3X divorcee, great advice.
Thanks for the advice. I'll be putting some of this into practice... firstly closing the bathroom door.
Sometimes you learn more from 'failure' than success. Looks like you sure did.
3rd times a charm. Thank you for this awesome advice and wish you luck in the future. I don't know if you're a man of faith but God has played a huge role in keeping my 3rd marriage intact along with all the advice you mentioned above :)
Who needs advice from a 2 time loser??
@grevyturty Don't be a douche...
@grevyturty losing, you learn and grow... apparently, something that does not apply to you!
@grevyturty WOW. It's called learning from your mistakes.
this is the best advice i've ever heard! im about to get married and i think im gonna post these suggestions somewhere in our home to remind us what not to do. i would love to see a part two! you should definitely put something in there about the sex life part of it, i feel like once things stop being new and exciting in the bedroom the entire relationship stops being exciting and enjoyable.
I agree with everything here except the 'don't fight in front of the kids' point - I think it's important for my daughter to see that, although there are times we want to kick each other up the jacksy, and we can be completely furious with each other, we still sit down to dinner together (albeit through gritted teeth), we still hold hands and we still laugh at each other. Apart from anything else, it can be really really hard not to fight in front of the children!
I'm still married by the way.
@Gillian I think he means don't have an all out scream match in front of the kids. Growing up, my parents would scream at ungodly levels in front of my brother and me, and it scared us. We would go to sleep crying our eyes out, fearing that our parents were going to get a divorce. In the morning, when everything was happy-go-lucky, it freaked us out even more.
Gillian, I agree with you 100%. I feel that my kids need to see that marriage is love and happiness, but also that marriage is work. If the kids never witness their parents fighting, they will most likely have unrealistic expectations about marriage and will be quickly disillusioned when they reach stumbling blocks in their own relationships. Plus, witnessing constuctive, civilized disagreements can teach them loads about conflict management.
@Jennifer Sow what's to say for those kids that have been raised by one parent? I've been raised by my mother and my mother alone. I think it would be kind of odd if she just burst out and started yelling at herself. Besides, my sister and her get into arguments all of the time. That just goes to show that anyone, not solely married couples, living in the same household for a said amount of time will eventually get irritated with each other and have disagreements. I'm not trying to start a debate here. I'm only trying to show something from a different perspective. Thanks! :)
- Reilly
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@vickymark36 you're frickin crazy
Loved that you posted this. As the wife part of divorce, I know that each of us played our part. I only hope that I have taken a hard enough look at my own part of the break up to have a better chance if I ever have the privilege of a lasting relationship again.
Unfortunately my 3rd marriage just ended. Many of the points you make were very valid for me. Unfortunately I was to stupid to notice. You mentioned arguing in front of the kids. I have never been one for arguing. I would much rather discuss the matter as adults without the yelling. Maybe the arguing is a release of frustration. I think people tend to say things they don't mean when the get into a heated argument. Thanks for your hind sight. I will keep a copy of the tips for future reference.
im not going to lie. This bummed me out. I like it, but it seriously bummed me out. This could be me, right down to my sister getting married this weekend.
@John Mattos Bummed out? if this sounds like you? and it hasn't ended yet, you still have time to turn it around. you get a new day every day to change it. so CHANGE it.
Some excellent points here--the only thing I'd disagree with is not arguing in front of your kids. People disagree, people argue, it's in our nature unless you share the exact same brain. But as adults you should know how to constructively bring up the problem and resolve your differences. You're not doing the kids any favors by completely sheltering them from that. The trick is to do it productively, respectfully, and resolve your problems; this way you're teaching your kids how to disagree & resolve conflict instead of how to be mean & nasty with someone you don't agree with.
Excellent advice and I would think this IS a better list to give someone getting ready to get married because like you said, these are the things we don't think about and they don't happen all at once but gradually until one day we don't see the same person in front of us.
Excellent advice...good for women, also. I am in the process of getting a divorce after 30+ years, and while not everything you mentioned was true for our situation, a lot was DEAD ON!
Your post is RIGHT ON!!!!! Like incredible and having been married twice myself, think this is the best advice ever.
Fabulous post. I've been married happily 35 years but found a few points that I can use to make sure my spouse is happy too. Thanks.
@allieshambles19 Number 10. Definitely!!! #WhoDoesThat?!
I loved this post. I havent had too many serious relationships but I can relate to doing so many of those things in general... Hind sight is a wonderful thing! Your journeys had to happen the way they have to lead you to this wisdom - and now you have so much more to bring to the table - for yourself for the time being until you find a special someone to share your time with.Good things are in your horizon - to balance out these low points you might have been feeling. Take good care and keep blogging!
thanks so much for sharing all of this. i found it really helpful to think about aspects of relationships that i struggle with but didn't really realise until reading what you wrote.
in regards to kids and fighting in front of them - i've read a fair bit into psychology saying it's healthy for kids to see conflict between their parents as long as they also see resolution on the same day. so i guess the emotional distancing thing wouldn't be a good example, but conflict is definitely a part of life and resolution is a vital skill to witness and learn.
I'm year 15 into my second try at this marriage thing at 38. I loved your post! I noticed some really scarily familiar themes going on and I'm thinking this came at the perfect time. Thanks so much for sharing. I too have a little sister, who I'm afraid is gun shy because of me. I think I'll write her a letter with some things I love about being married because all she ever hears it's the complaints.
Wow, you're pretty insightful, esp. for one so young. I totally agree about the hand-holding. VERY important to most women. About the "yelling," my suggestion is this: if you don't have the energy to run up and downstairs several times a day, live somewhere that is on one floor. Seriously. I was 10 years older than my ex, already teetering on middle age. Then we had two kids. I could never understand why he objected to my calling to him from another level of the house (I was constantly exhausted), and I also could not understand why he was always someplace distant, where I either had to run up and downstairs to get his attention, or yell. One level would have helped a LOT. (Of course, it might not have done much to address the fact that he wanted to spend 2-3 hours watching TV every night, without being bothered by me to help with stuff. <-;)
Will you marry again Dan? Do you think it will cut into your writing time a bit much? All kidding aside, your advice is heartfelt and there are some good gems in there. - Especially the bit about hand-holding.
Great advice! I am getting married in two months to my boyfriend of 6 years and this is a nice refresher! I will keep all this in mind as we move forward together!
Thanks so much! Can't wait to read part 2!
Wow, you've hit the nail right on the head there. Very well written. I'm going to share this with my friends and family. You're a smart man and I hope you find a special lady to test your theories on :)
I've not been married, but have been in long term relationships (I want to be married one day) I loved this list not only from a husbands point of view, this list works for a wife as well! I am printing it out for my future relationship. Very well written, Thank you!!
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There are different degrees of fighting. We are all adults. We can gauge our level of anger and determine if it's acceptable to discuss and/or solve certain disagreements that could end up in fights. So disagreements in front of the kids is fine. That teaches them to stand up for what they believe. In a peaceful manner. However, fights are fights. They are NOT disagreements - and doing that in front of the kids is setting a bad example. It is sending the message that it is ok to fight. That's the problem with a lot of these kids today. They are exposed to too much. Back in my day - you couldn't even be around when grown folks were talking. Fights in a healthy marriage should very seldom occur.
I would submit that the same list could be written by a woman with regard to her husband. It really does go both ways. Excellent list of "don'ts." I agree with everything (except the advice on fighting in front of the kids...but only because I don't have children, so am not qualified to comment on that one). These are great reminders of how we should treat each other with love and respect. Two thumbs up! p.s. Love fsutrill's comments. Agree!
Married 22 years, 10 months