Almost two weeks ago, I told you all about my family’s tradition of going around the room and having everyone give their best marriage advice to the bride and groom on the eve of their wedding.

While sitting in that circle on the night before my sister’s nuptials, I felt so valueless having been divorced not just once but twice. Not a lick of what I had was good marriage advice. No. Everything I had was “how not to botch your marriage like I did” advice, which was something I had plenty of. They were the “don’t dos” instead of the “do dos.” (Yes, I heard it the second I typed it). They were my regrets, and not my successes. And I didn’t really feel like anyone in that room would want to hear them.

So, after an awesomely failed joke and an evening of feeling like the biggest turd on earth, I sat down for a few hours and wrote my own advice list to my sister (and probably even more so for myself). I shared the first half of it with you in my “16 Ways I Blew My Marriage” post a couple weeks ago. The list had gotten much longer than I planned, so I chopped it in half. Today, I wanted to share the other 15 things that were on my list. I hope that’s okay.

I never, not even once, thought that post would be popular. When it went crazy viral, I couldn’t help but wonder why. I’m still wondering why, if I’m being honest. After all, it’s the advice from a guy who blew it, not a guy who knows what he’s doing. My failure at marriage is one of the things I am most insecure about. I sat down and wrote the list in insecurity. It was shared in insecurity. It’s a list of things I’ll forever be working on, none of which I’ve mastered.

And maybe in the end, that is the “why.” I don’t know. I’d love your opinion on it.

That being said, I’m so thankful that so many people found value in it and shared it. If you haven’t read the first half of the list yet, you can find it here. I also hope the rest of my list has value as well. It may be better to read while cranking up Gotye’s Somebody that I used to Know.

Anyways… with that, I give you:

The OTHER 15 Ways I Blew My Marriage
(continued from previous blog post) 

17. DON’T STOP BRINGING HER FLOWERS.
When I was wooing her, I made it a point to show up with flowers. And not just for special occasions. I’d have them delivered. I’d drop some at her door and run. I’d have them if I was just showing up for a movie on her couch. I brought her flowers from day one to day married. And then after we said I do, I stopped. Flowers became an unnecessary expense and were only worth splurging on for really special occasions like anniversaries or Valentine’s day. And sadly not always on those days, either.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I might get her flowers on those special occasions, but I’d make it a point to get her flowers often enough that she never wondered what I’d done wrong when I did. I’d understand that the most meaningful flowers were the ones given with no reason but to give them.
BONUS! it’s hard to hold grudges for the other stupid things you do when there are fresh flowers reminding her that you’re a good guy most of the time.
18. DON’T WORK SO MUCH THAT YOU DON’T WANT SEX.
This may be a little too much information, but when I was married, I would sometimes be so in need of sex, yet I would work so hard and so late into the night that even when sex was an option, I would turn it down in favor of crashing and decompressing. This of course would make her feel rejected because she knew that I wanted it, but couldn’t figure out why I didn’t want it from her.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d set a bed time for myself and wake up earlier to get my work done if needed. I’d remind myself that no amount of money is ever enough when you’re a workaholic. And I’d not give up the boonda boonda with my wife to make a few extra unneeded bucks.
BONUS! you don’t have to go to the gym as often because the gym comes to your bedroom.

19. DON’T PUT HER DOWN TO OTHERS.
It always seemed that the more bla our marriage got, the more I would (usually jokingly) put her down to others. What’s worse is that I’d do it while she was standing there as much as I would when she wasn’t. I made sure that she knew that her faults and her weaknesses were never going to be secret and then if she’d get mad about it, I’d throw it back on her and tell her she needed to develop a sense of humor.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d realize that there’s nothing motivating about being put down. Building people up can still be done in awesomely joking ways.
BONUS! she probably wants a good guy as part of her foundation. Building her up makes sure that her foundation is with you and not Billy Bob over there.
20. DON’T BE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE WITH HER.
Always claiming I was the saint, I would refuse to talk about what was bothering me, I’d refuse to discuss when things hurt me, and I’d refuse to admit that anything was wrong. Instead, I’d be passive aggressive about things. I’d pretend to take the high road. “It’s not worth the contention to me, just have it your way,” I’d blurt out. Let’s not kid ourselves. I said that to make her feel like a bully and to push her into giving me my way. It rarely worked. All it ever did was make her feel worse about herself and about me, and neither one of us would get what we needed.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d tell her how things were actually affecting me, and I’d learn to genuinely want her to have her way sometimes, or I’d learn to agree to disagree, or I’d learn to take a break from the conversation. I’d also ask her to point out when I was being passive aggressive so that I could rephrase things in a productive way.
BONUS! when you tell her what you actually want or need, sometimes you get it. Fancy that.
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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with nearly half a million daily subscribers as of 2015. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!
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1822 comments
Yeowsers
Yeowsers

Mr. Pearce, can you filter the comment section? There are so many "scams" about relationship help and not genuine comments to your post. Makes it hard to read them.

Sharonacles
Sharonacles

I think that the reason your post went viral is because it is very good advice. While it is true, that you are twice divorced, your "failure" allowed you some insight into what is important. A lot of people don't get that far because even if they're unhappy in their marriage, they don't get divorced, so they never see past their immediate experience. Also, you've done this twice, so you know it's not a fluke. lol And for those that DO get divorced, sometimes they never want to take any blame on themselves, so they just chalk it up to being all the other person's fault and move onto the next person. So you're already a step ahead of a lot of people. Your next relationship will probably be a winner as long as you take your own advice. 

EkaterinaR
EkaterinaR

Did your wives want to get back to you after reading these lists?

AndySivilaythong
AndySivilaythong

Brother...can I call you that?  I can honestly say that I am aware of a lot of these things and have not done them with my current relationships...What's really frustrating, is that they still seem to fail due to the current culture of dating.  Things that I am aware that are well beyond my control are in strong effect...but it's still frustrating and it still sucks to be single.

KrishelleCharmedLife
KrishelleCharmedLife

Oh this list, and the first, are so true and real.  Made me tear up just reading it, please men for the love of marriage, learn to fart like a girl.  Nothing is more vile and disgusting than a man try to rip one off, epically in my bed.

KrishelleCharmedLife
KrishelleCharmedLife

And keep telling her she's pretty, or she looks pretty or that the lunch she got up at 5 am to make for you (for what feels like a million times) was appreciated or good, or whatever.  Just taking from the marriage without letting your spouse feel adored will lead to resentments. 

cb
cb

This whole thing is like... do this and bonus, you might get sex! Dude, get over it. To women, that's probably one of the most unattractive qualities a guy can have.

ShlynnWLongshlong
ShlynnWLongshlong

The fact you can't sense the humor isprobably the reason your single. Take a midol and laugh a little dude, not everything has to be so serious. ;) ;) :*

Thomasmoore
Thomasmoore

Sometimes i ask myself, what really make those who claim to love you stay ? Is it the feel of protection, or the feeling that their money is enough to make someone endure their presence until it all blows away or the feeling of love, or is it all these wrapped in one big gift bag? I never got to know the answer to my question and i may never get the answer. You see, i had money or rather i can say i had enough to care for my ex wife now and my two kids and heaven know i gave my wife then all the love she needed from me in every way i can imagine or possibly give love. I gave my family protection, love and everything one can ever ask for in one big gift bag. Now speaking of my ex wife, i did the impossible to see she was happy all the time because i loved her so much that seeing her happy really makes me happy. But it seems to my ex wife money and the good life was everything and love, was nothing but an illusion. Some how in a way one thing leading to another i lost my job at J.P Morgan as an accountant and just like that my beautiful world of colors as i knew it, came down crashing on me. Being not in my youth and vibrant age it was so impossible to get a new job. No one wanted to heir someone like me i mean if it were me, i sure as he** wouldn't heir me. They all needed a fresh young and updated version of me. After six months my bills started pilling up i was so late on my mortgage and every hard thing that happens when someone losses his job just as a finger snap was happening to me. My wife being my wife saw this and thought there was no way out and then she felt me filed for a divorce and wanted to take all i had left. The one thing that kept me from breaking just as i watched my life come to end. She wanted to take my girls from me and have them rised by her lover. This will be a very long tale if i start on how she got herself a new man off course with money and managed to make him fall for her just as i did so i will just skip that part. The fight for custody went on and i was going to loss in all ways because i had just lost my job and house was gone and i was diagnosed to be emotionally unstable. By some cosmic accident that i don't even believe in, i found a witch doctor named Mutton Osun  on the internet who out of desperation i contacted for help and somehow placed all my hope on and heave bless him, he lived up to his words. I poured on him my sorrows,I  told him how i lost my job ,my wife  and how i was about to lose my girls and he listened and comforted me via telephone. Speaking to Mutton Osun healed my heart and gave me hope again. Mutton Osun is a rear gem that can not be easily found. I wanted him to help me get back my job and win my girls custody battle. He asked me to get some materials which was going to be used to get a spell done to grant my request. I gave him the money to get the materials for me because it saved me a lot of expenses. After four day he sent me a package asking that i follow the instruction he left along with the package. I did all he asked of me and like a miracle i was called back to my job at J .P Morgan with them saying i have been given a second chance after six month? and just after the spell? it only explained on thing that the spell is at work and i won the custody case of my girls just as i asked. I should have asked for my wife back but no she caused me so much pain and every bit of love for her ,was dead. You reading should not just believe me. Contact Mutton Osun let him help you and your problem them you will believe all this is as real as it gets. Use this as contact godsofosunx @ roc ket mail. com

note: roc ket mail. com is joined together like every other email format

MaraWalker
MaraWalker

I want to thank DR. Baba jiri for what he has done for me in my life, After my lover left me without notice i was so frustrated and confused i never knew what to do until i told my friend, After she told me the great deeds of DR.Baba jiri on how people talk good about him on radio stations and internet so she gave me the contact and I contacted him. told him how my lover left me for over 3years,He told me just to be happy that i will have him back to my arms that's its only a matter of time,i was like is this real mean while i had fate in DR Baba jiri that he would bring back my lover,amazingly to my surprise after 3days i got a call from my husband who has left me for over 3years begging me for forgiveness,Which i did,And now we are together and he love’s me more than anything on this earth. contact him for help phone number  +2348153863879 or email him via babaj77powerspellcaster@ gmail .com

JamesJerry
JamesJerry

I USED TO HAVE HIV,,,AND I WORK WITH THE U.S ARMY......I LOOKED FOR CURE ALMOST ROUND THE WORLD,NOT UNTIL I CONTACTED A GREAT SPIRITUALIST,I NARRATED MY PREDICAMENT TO HIM,I WAS SHOCKED HE SAID''NO CAUSE FOR ALARM'''I SEND HIM MY PHOTO,,,,HE SAID HE WILL NEED TO BUY SOME ITEMS,AND I PAID FOR IT...AFTER THREE DAYS HE TOLD ME TO GO FOR TEST AGAIN,...... MY FRIENDS YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT WAS NEGATIVE....NOW I'M SOUND AND HEALTHY STILL WORKING WITH THE U.S ARMY . I BELIEVE HE CAN CURE ANY TYPE OF SICKNESS HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: [email protected] and [email protected] or call +2347031362391'

JamesJerry
JamesJerry

I USED TO HAVE HIV,,,AND I WORK WITH THE U.S ARMY......I LOOKED FOR CURE ALMOST ROUND THE WORLD,NOT UNTIL I CONTACTED A GREAT SPIRITUALIST,I NARRATED MY PREDICAMENT TO HIM,I WAS SHOCKED HE SAID''NO CAUSE FOR ALARM'''I SEND HIM MY PHOTO,,,,HE SAID HE WILL NEED TO BUY SOME ITEMS,AND I PAID FOR IT...AFTER THREE DAYS HE TOLD ME TO GO FOR TEST AGAIN,...... MY FRIENDS YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT WAS NEGATIVE....NOW I'M SOUND AND HEALTHY STILL WORKING WITH THE U.S ARMY . I BELIEVE HE CAN CURE ANY TYPE OF SICKNESS HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: [email protected] and [email protected] or call +2347031362391

louisgloria90
louisgloria90

My name is louis Gloria from Canada, to caught it all shot i was having  a family problems my husband left me because i was not able to give him a child, i have know other solution than to start sicking for help praying and fasting for God to help me bring back my husband and to have a child of my own, so one day i saw Chief Priest Amros name on the internet with his email address ([email protected])  when i saw this email address i never loose any hope again, i contacted him for help, to end the story he help me bring back my husband to me under four days and to my greatest surprise he prophesied  and said i we have my own child and celebrate with others as a mother, am three months pregnant now and my husband is now with me without any problem, please viewers help me to thank Chief Priest Amros for making my home a happy one. Please contact Chief Priest Amros at ([email protected]) he is a good man and a prophet, he can help  you in any kind of problems please don't pass this email address if you really want your problems to be solved thanks..

kitkat211014
kitkat211014

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whyme
whyme

My Husband and I have been having the same issues for years. I was the only one fighting for our marriage though. Its like he had given up and thrown in the towel from the day we said "I Do." As much as I wish he would have changed, and as many times we sat down and I told him I wanted a divorce if things didn't change, he never acted like I was worth it. Divorce is scary, and I'm not looking forward to the fight ahead of me, but I hope one day I find someone who thinks I'm worth it. Thank you for this. It hurt to read, but I'm happy you had the courage to write it.

RoxanaAMacdougall
RoxanaAMacdougall

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debla977
debla977

My name is Debora Larry P, I am a single Mom, the father of my child left me two years ago and married his childhood girlfriend because of his mother’s influence and his mother never liked anything about me. I gave up on him and took my child away from his family then relocate to another state just to forget about him and start a new life. My new life was actually not going as I planned but I keep on struggling to cope and take care of my baby. I miraculously met a man who was staying five blocks away; he loved me and promised to provide for me and my child. We dated for three years before he asked me to marry him last December, I agreed because I found real love and peace with him and my son can’t stay without him. 


He suddenly started active weird after our engagement party like and evil spirit is controlling him, he always starts argument and fight in presence of my son and asked me for a break which I gave but something inside me tells me that he needs help and he will never come back to me if nothing is done either physically or spiritually to help him go back to himself. So I searched for help everywhere until I met Dr.Wakina temple via email [email protected] Doctor did the reading and discovered pure love among us and a confused spirit surrounding us too. He finally cast a reunion spell on us and brought him back at the exact time he stated this February. 


My husband to be is back and he thanks Dr. Wakina for the spell that made him realize his true love and his wife. I thank Doctor too and will recommend him to anybody who needs help to contact him via [email protected] Thanks for everything Doctor.

ronrichardcole
ronrichardcole

My name is Ashley from Trinidad and Tobago my lover dumped me for another woman i was hopeless until i contacted priest omigodo for help he brought back my lover in just 24 hours contact priest omigodo via email: [email protected] or call the great priest omigodo on +248079367204

frances
frances

This is so very accurate and many are appropriate for either gender. I think it's great advice too a new couple. Anticipating my divorce this list maybe twenty years ago would have brought a different outcome.

h2hjmz
h2hjmz

great points about what goes wrong with, probably all, failed marriages.  hopefully these are really lessons learned, and changes we are actually willing to do...thanks for putting down what we all have cycling, and recycling through our brains.

RachelWilliamsgiordano
RachelWilliamsgiordano

My husband and I are on the brink of divorce and your 16/15ways I blew my marriage reminds me of the various fights we are currently having. Thank you for your humorous insight and I hope newly married couples will read both lists.

JW
JW

Really appreciate these observations.  I am newly married, but have been notorious for getting complacent in past relationships.  Thanks.  This rings a lot of bells, and are easy fixes if done before the damage has accumulated. 


You made me aware of some things I do, even without malicious intention.  This was very honest and meaningful. 

JenniferKenayi
JenniferKenayi

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lins
lins

Your botch ups work both ways. As I was reading I could see that I am still making the same mistakes....made me stop and think.....I'm on marriage 2 and don't want it to be divorce 2 lol......gonna take your advice wholeheartedly....and I totally agree about your sex theory.....and that's coming form a woman :)

Maya2015
Maya2015

Officially divorced as of last year...reading this article brought tears to my eyes because all of these were missing.  The hardest part being married almost 20 years I could not get him to walk in the park with me and hold my hand.  Thank you for being honest we all learn from out past experiences.  Thank you.

Isa
Isa

This is a really, really nice post.

I am in a successful marriage and I believe it is all because of my husband. He has understood what all your points basically boil down to, which is "treat your spouse the way you want them to treat you" and "your spouse will treat you the way you treat them" (of course, that would work for anybody, but it is even more the case in a marriage, since the person is always in your face!).


I feel so blessed I have found my hubby and he taught me that. And I am so happy to see he is not the only one who has understood it!

GraceMarie1
GraceMarie1

When I eventually found testimonies about this spell caster prophet.chasus, how he helped many people to get their lover back, i contacted him through his email address [email protected] because I was absolutely desperate to get my husband back. Life without my husband was a real mess for me and my children. i wanted a dramatic change and I thought magic could be the solution. After discussing the resolution with prophet.chasus, he gave me hope that he will restore my marriage. I felt confident that he will actually make my husband to return home and he did It’s fantastic what prophet.chasus have done for me. his help is priceless! I don't know what I would have done without he, does his job so well he is organized and highly functional, i believe he is the best spell caster i can count on him when it comes to love spell, I was floored that his spells worked Thanks!
Marie.

M
M

Thank you for sharing your personal experiences in marriage here. I find myself agreeing with nearly every one of your points and wish my husband would learn those things before our relationship falls apart; largely because of how you messed up your marriages. I think people find comfort in you posts because they know they are not alone in how they are feeling and what they are experiencing in their marriages. Thanks again and best of luck to you!

FatimaObeys
FatimaObeys

I want to use this opportunity to thank my great doctor who really made my life a pleasurable one today. This great man Dr ZUMA ZUK who brought my husband back to me, i had 2 lovely kids for my husband, about 3 years ago i and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me for one lady. i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows an Ad pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, until one day i met a good friend of mine that was also in a situation like me but her problem was her ex-boyfriend who she had an unwanted pregnancy for and he refused to take responsibility and dumped her. she told me that mine was a small case and that i shouldn't worry about it at all so i asked her what was the solution to my problems and she gave me this great man phone number and his email address. i was doubting if this man was the solution, so contacted this great man and he told me what to do and i deed them all, he told me to wait for just two day and that my husband will come crawling on his kneels just for forgiveness so i faithfully deed what this great man asked me to do and for sure after two days i heard a knock on the door, in a great surprise i saw him on his kneels and i was speechless, when he saw me, all he did was crying and asking me for forgiveness, from that day, all the pains and sorrows in my heart flew away,since then i and my husband and our lovely kids are happy.that's why i want to say a big thank you to Dr ZUMA ZUK This great man made me to understand that theirs no problem on earth that has no solution so please if you know that you have this same problem or any problem that is similar, i will advise you to come straight to this great man. you can email [email protected]

LydiaEMill2
LydiaEMill2

After being in relationship with him for 3 years, he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email is [email protected] you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or any other problem.

FaithHenry
FaithHenry

I never knew people still have powers and make things happened this way. My name is Faith Henry am from American. my boyfriend Slay Scot left me for another girl for three months’ ever since then my life have been filled with pains sorrow and heart break because he was my first love who dis virgin me when i was 21 years old. about two years ago, A friend of mine called Bella told me he saw some testimonies of this great Dr AGBAGIE that he can bring back lover within some few days, i laugh it out and said i am not interested but because of the love my friend had for me, she consulted the great priest on my behalf and to my greatest surprise after three days my boyfriend called me for the very first time after three months that he is missing me and that he is so sorry for every thing he made me went through. i still can’t believe it, because it highly unbelievable it just too real to be real. Thank you Dr AGBAGIE for bringing back my lover and also to my lovely friend who interceded on my behalf, for any one who might need the help of this great priest here is the email address:([email protected]) or you can call the great man on (+2348052849204)

guest
guest

Great advice - I probably need to think about what I am doing wrong that isn't working for my husband after reading this.  Do you think though that it wasn't so one sided?  That maybe she wasn't doing things that you needed too?  Maybe we could get her take on what happened.  I am currently working on my list for my husband so that I can be a better wife.  Thank you for the help!

tessa
tessa

One other comment I would like to make for the women.  If your husband is a football fanatic, find ways to not label yourself as a football widow.  I personally like football, but only when I have family playing.  I do have a cousin on the Texans but he's injured and I've always been a Cardinals fan, even if I didn't care about another team.  My husband plays fantasy football every year and a grandson does too.  Last year our grandson pretty much ignored his team so I took it over in an attempt not to lose the fee to play.  lol  I became hooked.  I researched fantasy football up and down, learned how football is played, what the refs call or should have (have not) called, the positions, which teams had the best defense, etc.  I didn't make the playoffs last year but I decided to play again this year too.  It's a great way for me to satisfy my competitive side and do something with my husband that he likes as well.


Bonus:  Evidently he finds nothing sexier on Thursday night, Sunday and Monday night than his wife fighting for control of the remote because her QB / receiver combination is playing at the same time his insignificant kicker is playing.  The fact that I now comment on fantastic throws and catches (my man Fitz) is a real turn on as opposed to my laughing at players who run into one another, trip one another, have pants too tight, cool shoes, cute gloves, etc.  Combine all that with healthy snacks and a nice dinner and the night belongs to me (after the games that is).  ;-)

AshleeTompkins
AshleeTompkins

I definitely disagree with the "I'll probably never get a date now" bit. The ability to admit and learn from all this 'dirty marriage laundry' is an attractive quality. I feel like this should be a reason that you'd get more dates. The only mistakes you should ever be ashamed of or embarrassed about are the ones you haven't learned from and genuinely attempted to improve upon.

Rose
Rose

Thank you for your honesty in writing this list. It is great advice.


As far as flowers go, unless you’re in the city, you don’t always have to buy them. You can pick your own.  I remember a time that I was having a really bad day. On my way home, I saw a man on the side of the road carefully picking wildflowers. I don’t know who they were for, but it brought tears to my eyes.  I was thinking what a lucky person was going to receive those flowers.  Even though they weren’t for me, I felt the love being put in them and felt better. 

Another advice:  Don’t blame your spouse for hurt that he/she didn’t put there.  When you make the decision to remarry, also make the decision to fight with your own inner baggage. Yes, you can honestly discuss it with your new spouse so you can work through it together.  However, NEVER “take it out” on them.
The bonus:  Keeping it to yourself won’t give unnecessary pain in your current marriage and won’t put the power of your happiness in the hands of the person who previously hurt you.
Additional bonus:  Working through it honestly, positively and together with your new spouse may bring you that much closer to each other.

StaceyXavi
StaceyXavi

It was a complete sudden stop in my life when my relationship with my lover came to a verge of breakup  point without any reason and he said that he has fallen for someone else, it was Dr. Eziza who helped me get back my lover with a love spell and now we are happily married, thanks a lot Dr. Eziza. If you need his help to restore your relationship back, you can contact him via [email protected] +2348058176289

Anna
Anna

I have sent thins link to my boyfriend whom I have been arguing with a lot lately, so I genuinely hope he will read and acknowledge this.

Anna
Anna

This is just awesome!

RachaelJeeninga
RachaelJeeninga

Being passive-aggressive never works. I try really hard to never be, but my ex was all the time. He's mad? Silent treatment. Less affection. Little snide comments when he finally did talk.

And don't every jokingly be condescending or dismissive of someone's feelings. If they're hurt, and, or happy about something, it doesn't matter how irrelevant that thing is, don't show it. Soon they'll think none of their feelings matter at all. And even be afraid to talk about them.

Don't let minor things make or break you. Don't let pent up anger and frustration cloud your feelings. You fell in love for a reason, just because you're only focusing on the negative things, doesn't mean the love isn't there. Never let yourself forget you love them. Or they'll forget, too.

Liz
Liz

I hope there are at least a few men who will read this and actually pay attention.  Every single thing on your list applies to my own marriage ending.  Especially the airing every fault he thought I had (while he was perfect) to the world. And the sarcasm never stopped.

I also hope that you take what you learned and find a woman you will treat the way you suggested.

FatimaObeys
FatimaObeys

I want to use this opportunity to thank my great doctor who really made my life a pleasurable one today. This great man Dr ZUMA ZUK who brought my husband back to me, i had 2 lovely kids for my husband, about 3 years ago i and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me for one lady. i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows an Ad pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, until one day i met a good friend of mine that was also in a situation like me but her problem was her ex-boyfriend who she had an unwanted pregnancy for and he refused to take responsibility and dumped her. she told me that mine was a small case and that i shouldn't worry about it at all so i asked her what was the solution to my problems and she gave me this great man phone number and his email address. i was doubting if this man was the solution, so contacted this great man and he told me what to do and i deed them all, he told me to wait for just two day and that my husband will come crawling on his kneels just for forgiveness so i faithfully deed what this great man asked me to do and for sure after two days i heard a knock on the door, in a great surprise i saw him on his kneels and i was speechless, when he saw me, all he did was crying and asking me for forgiveness, from that day, all the pains and sorrows in my heart flew away,since then i and my husband and our lovely kids are happy.that's why i want to say a big thank you to Dr ZUMA ZUK This great man made me to understand that theirs no problem on earth that has no solution so please if you know that you have this same problem or any problem that is similar, i will advise you to come straight to this great man. you can email [email protected]

AmandaGreenhead
AmandaGreenhead

hello dan,


thanks for sharing. i enjoyed the frank and honest bits of your wisdom, and i agreed with all of them. 

Jan was here
Jan was here

Hello Dan,  I read both blogs of why your marriages ended.  I too have been married twice and I know why I left both.  For the exact reasons you have mentioned in these blogs.  Perhaps someday soon I will write my own response to each of these.  I have already done a lot of soul searching of where I went wrong with my own actions in my marriages.  I think it would be a good exercise for me to compare and match them to another Man's perspective as well.


The reasons I shared your blogs is because it resonated with me in a very profound way, beyond the topics covered.  For me you humbled yourself and shared your vulnerabilities.  One of the key Characteristics I look for (I have 8 of them) in a potential partner is Authenticity:  I usually listen to the tone of their voice when they talk about the things, events and people in their life.  How willing and open is he at expressing his vulnerabilities.  (weakness is not the same a vulnerability) In the midst of his confidence, strength, drive, and sense of purpose is still okay with himself to admit his flaws or fears.  He has learned from his mistakes and admits to them honestly.

~Cheers my friend, and thank you!

 _____________________________

In case any single amigos out there is curious of read my 8 Characteristics of a High Quality Man:

1)  Honorable:  Does he stand for a higher purpose than himself?  He should be enlarged by some sense of purpose and service in this world, not fulfilling his ego.  (i.e family, friends, community, world)  A true man is in touch with his heroic core.

2)  Authentic:  I usually listen to the tone of their voice when they talk about the things, events and people in their life.  How willing and open is he at expressing his vulnerabilities.  (weakness is not the same a vulnerability) In the midst of his confidence, strength, drive, and sense of purpose is still okay with himself to admit his flaws or fears.  He has learned from his mistakes and admits to them honestly.

3) Excitement:  Is he positive and excited about the momentum he is generating in his life?  Does he identify himself with the positive/happy things or elements in his life?

4)  Financial Responsibility:  Can he pay his own bills first of all?  Does he save and invest?  Beware of shows of extravagance.  Granted he should enjoy the fruits of his labor, but does he stake his identity on those things?  Does he have a steady source of income (there are many ways to create income these days)?  If he's learning a new trade or skill and is committed to it - Great!!  This shows he is on a path for self-improvement.  Believe it or not, you want a man who spends in moderation...guess what ladies this means you DO NOT want a man that will spend lavishly on you.  Sorry forget the diamonds and jewels. He works hard, is careful, respects hard work, and is NOT a show off.  Bottom line – it is NOT how fat his wallet is, it IS his CHARACTER.  He could live in a Refrigerator box, and be the man for you.  He just needs to be able to afford the necessities of living in his box.  LOL

5)  Sensually Alive:  ahhh, My favorite…you really need to cut men a little slack here, because all they know is sex, sex, sex.  However, he should ALREADY be open to sensual pleasures.  (i.e talk about their “love” of well prepared food, cooking, wine, working with their hands, etc.)  He should be able to describe the “feel” of the kind of woman he desires.  Remember if he is open to the pleasures of senses (sight, smell, taste, touch, sound) he’s probably going to be a more satisfying lover for you. He will be more attentive to giving and receiving pleasure. ;)  LISTEN to a man who is PASSIONATE about the world he lives in.

6)  Man/Women Dynamics:  You want someone that is curious and open to learning about man/woman dynamics.  Does he find the masculine feminine dance to be an interesting, happy challenge or an annoyance?  You can tell a LOT from how he details what he wants and what he is prepared to give and behave- not what he expects from YOU.  Plus he is AUTHENTIC about it. Remember:  Life is about loving, learning, and seeing things beyond our own perspective.  :D

7)  Interested in You:  Come on let’s face it…he has to be curious and interested in you.  He should be asking questions that demonstrate a genuine interest in your character, and your uniqueness-YOU.  You want a man who sees your uniqueness and holds you special.  The key to knowing he is genuine is if he remembers things you have said.  Pay attention to what he notices about you, what he adores about you, and what he compliments about you.  If he takes in the special details of your inner world and then delivers on your needs or desires….all the better.  :D

8)  Love:  Perhaps the most important is that he is driven by expanding love, not fear.  His conversation and life is suggestive with all the things he LOVES: people, pets, experiences. (i.e what he loves about women (especially you), his family, friends, job, etc.)  If he pits himself against the world and lives in fear, you will never get close to him, no matter how close you may seem to get.  You will always be part of the outside world. 

Lastly, he may have all 7 characteristics of a High Quality Man, but if he does not have love or is not ready for love you will not change that so you have to move on.  If he says he is not looking for a relationship or is not ready for a serious one…he is NOT ready.  Sorry.  There are a lot of great guys out there who just don’t want or are not ready for a relationship.  Keep them close to your hearts and be their friend.  Find another soul to be your hero!

LiberataCarey
LiberataCarey

I read this and the previous post on the 16 ways too and I must say Dan, life has surely given you awesome lessons and the your reflection on those lessons are so beautifully expressed through your words. I specially loved and seen your side of the truth in your blog "You just broke your child." 

It rung so true to the experiences little children have and specially, the one I too had with my dad as a child. Thank you for taking time to reach out through your words of wisdom.

Keep up the great work of love.


Regards,


Liberata Carey


TaraOtis
TaraOtis

Actually made me cry...going through this now. Seems these are quite common truths so many of us live through, some learning from and others not so much....

Thank you:)

AshleyMOlszewskiIvory
AshleyMOlszewskiIvory

I completely respect you breaking down your own personal do's and dont's of marriage. As a wife I have to say your do-overs are all I've ever wanted to see from my husband. Granted trying to follow those rules day in and day out within the chaos of daily life is difficult! I think we work under the common misconception that if you are with the right person that marriage should take no work at all. So NOT TRUE! After reading this I've decided to ditch classes today and go golfing with my husband one last time this season! Thanks for the advice! 



-AOI

DanaMorgan
DanaMorgan

Dan -- Thanks for your honesty with these.  I wish my soon-to-be-ex had seen them before emotional neglect turned to emotional and verbal abuse.  Much sadness here -- and much recognition of the truths in your writings.  (The workaholic side was me -- avoidance of the non-conflict.  I'm not perfect either.)  Keep on speaking your truths!  Even when I don't agree with you, they always provide me food for thought.  All the best -- Dana


PS to all the spellmongers out there -- get a real job!!  Sheesh. 

20something
20something

If this is how guys really think then I NEVER want to get married.

RachaelWisner
RachaelWisner

I think your advice is on point and I will have to keep these things in mind, I've only been married almost two months now and things are still great but reading your list will help keep things in perspective, I'm sure lesbians have these same exact issues. Thank you.

slimcolvin1
slimcolvin1

I was a HIV-AIDS patient and I got it from cheating on my husband. It was sort of a payback but a week later I was told by a friend that the person who I cheated with had the HIV-AIDS virus and did not tell me. I was so stupid by not using a condom I thought since he was an old school friend he
was trustworthy. But I was wrong. I cried and cried. Two days later, I got a phone call from my friend and she told me about a person who is known by another friend, who can help me. I could not let my husband know what I was going through. I finally got his email address: [email protected] and I text this man my story and he replied me immediately saying i should be calm and told me that everything will be OK.I could not come to terms with what I was hearing but then I concluded it did not matter because I was so broken up I just needed help. I was going out of my mind literally. I was confused with what he was telling me, but I listened. He told me about some materials i need to buy that he needed to cast the spell and I said OK. I bought the materials to him, I sent down my picture to him and my positive result sheet and he replied me that i am going to be negative under 3days.I message Him every 2hours for 2day and I knew he thought that I was crazy but I did care I needed a shoulder. Behold, the third day he messaged me i should go for a test that i will be negative. My marriage could be broken
because of a stupid mistake and my life was on the line. I remembered when I was going to get the results of my re-test I called him up again and told him that I was going to get my results today and his reply was “so" and that everything will be as he explained. I knew then that he was getting tired of me calling him, maybe I was wrong. Well I got my results and the first person I
called up was him - again. As he said hello I started to cry and cry. I could not believe it. I was given a second chance in life.This man is a great spiritual HIV/AIDS healer,his healing spell on aids healing is very powerful .please brothers and sister, contact Dr Zuma zuk [email protected]

DoSomethingRight
DoSomethingRight

@slimcolvin1 SHAMEFUL.  Telling HIV/AIDS patients to continue to lie to sexual partners (instead of IMMEDIATELY INFORMING) about being HIV/AIDS Positive can end up with the partners becoming infected, all while you run about trying to cover your tracks with spells and magic.  Own up to your mistakes and go get proper medical treatment and get all other sexual partners TESTED IMMEDIATELY.

Noturniptruck
Noturniptruck

@DoSomethingRight @slimcolvin1 

Um.....this is spam. The email addy  and name mentioned in the OP is the same one recommended in another earlier response detailing a completely different calamity.