Almost two weeks ago, I told you all about my family’s tradition of going around the room and having everyone give their best marriage advice to the bride and groom on the eve of their wedding.
While sitting in that circle on the night before my sister’s nuptials, I felt so valueless having been divorced not just once but twice. Not a lick of what I had was good marriage advice. No. Everything I had was “how not to botch your marriage like I did” advice, which was something I had plenty of. They were the “don’t dos” instead of the “do dos.” (Yes, I heard it the second I typed it). They were my regrets, and not my successes. And I didn’t really feel like anyone in that room would want to hear them.
So, after an awesomely failed joke and an evening of feeling like the biggest turd on earth, I sat down for a few hours and wrote my own advice list to my sister (and probably even more so for myself). I shared the first half of it with you in my “16 Ways I Blew My Marriage” post a couple weeks ago. The list had gotten much longer than I planned, so I chopped it in half. Today, I wanted to share the other 15 things that were on my list. I hope that’s okay.
I never, not even once, thought that post would be popular. When it went crazy viral, I couldn’t help but wonder why. I’m still wondering why, if I’m being honest. After all, it’s the advice from a guy who blew it, not a guy who knows what he’s doing. My failure at marriage is one of the things I am most insecure about. I sat down and wrote the list in insecurity. It was shared in insecurity. It’s a list of things I’ll forever be working on, none of which I’ve mastered.
And maybe in the end, that is the “why.” I don’t know. I’d love your opinion on it.
That being said, I’m so thankful that so many people found value in it and shared it. If you haven’t read the first half of the list yet, you can find it here. I also hope the rest of my list has value as well. It may be better to read while cranking up Gotye’s Somebody that I used to Know.
Anyways… with that, I give you:
The OTHER 15 Ways I Blew My Marriage
(continued from previous blog post)
@30.
Sometimes my wife would keep important things in. Or secretly resent me for a misunderstanding. I would drag these out of her because I knew it's important to communicate. I give you that it is not always important to hear everything, but sometimes it does need to get out and be dealt with.
@30.
Sometimes my wife would keep important things in. Or secretly resent me for a misunderstanding. I would drag these of her because I knew it's important to communicate. I give you that it is not always important to hear everything, but sometimes it does need to get out and be dealt with.
I really liked both of your posts! I am not married, never been married. But all of this advice could be applied to relationships in general. And it goes both ways, so I am definitely going to take this advice as a woman! Thanks for your honesty and straight forward opinions.
I am truly impressed with your admissions. I think that all of the things you mentioned are important for both men and women to take to heart. I believe that you will find new love, and that whomever it is will be better off than the previous two. Thank you for posting
People like this because you are honest, and who are we kidding, divorced people have learned a hell of a lot. I think it's also refreshing to hear one say what their part was in the down fall. Normally people juts point the finger, which you didn't do once here. It shows maturity and hey, most of us want the space to learn from our mistakes and give it another try. I did think that your honesty would leave you single (unless she is a really wise woman).
I think you and I have the same personality flaws, so my husband gets some of this, but not as much as my first husband did and I am quick to apologize for them (see, lesson learned). One word of caution: be sure that the next woman is recognized for her preferences. Maybe one didn't like the bathroom thing, but I am one who likes the comfort level of it. After all, we both live here and no one wants to perform in their own home. So I'd probably say avoid stinkin up the house, but if she likes to talk while she pees or showers or whatever, oblige her. Yeah, I don't want to look my best all the time or never fart in front of him... I'm at home and deserve to relax and let my hair down (or take it off) jk.
It seems a lot of this comes down to ...don't take each other for granted. Goodness gracious if you did all these things....you would be super hubby! I loved this blog..and will be sharing it.
Whoops, posted it before I was done. Just wanted to say from a female perspective many of these apply to us as well, and we should take them to heart for ourselves, and not just think about our husband or significant other. One that I would add (which may be a mistake that women make more often) is "don't use sex to manipulate your spouse." That wasn't a mistake I personally made or experienced, but I've had friends whose wives pulled that, and it really damaged the relationship. Keep sex as an expression of intimacy and enjoyment of one another. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER use as a leveraging tool. Of course, there may be times when emotional issues in the relationship need to be addressed to improve sex life. Not talking about that, but I am talking about using sex to get your way.
Thanks! Sounds like you learned some valuable lessons.
Though I have yet to be married, I have been in a relationship for going on two years and I have to say that reading your lists totally opened my eyes to a lot of destructive things I do in my own relationship all the time. Like, all the time. I don't know how my boyfriend puts up with me. With things getting more serious between us, I am so thankful to have had this list to put the squabbles, the annoying habits, and the sweet gestures into perspective. One of the things I struggle with most is to get out of the "How does it affect ME?" mentality, and more into the "How does it affect him?", and your lists are awesome examples of how to do just that! So thanks :)
You don't ever have to worry about getting a date again! Any man who realizes how he screwed up (let alone writes it down and posts it for the world to see) and decides to implement real change will have women crawling all over him. Thanks for sharing!
Dan, I just want to say that you are spot on. I know I'm a total stranger, and my opinion is borderline worthless. But I think the reason people are going so crazy over this is because of your willingness to get emotionally naked in front of the world and admit that you could do better. This degree of honesty and self reflection is mostly absent in our culture. The willingness to admit fault is painful. I can't imagine how painful it is for you. Don't be ashamed at "failing" two marriages. Marriage is freaking hard. I will tell you that I have been married for 9 years to a man who does all of the things on your list and more. It took us a couple of pretty bad years to figure it out, but we both treat each other the way you are suggesting married people should. He jokingly tells people that his goal is to ruin me for all other men. To make me so spoiled and loved that no other guy could ever compare or compete. It's a pretty solid tactic. He is also totally willing to lay the smack down on me when I need it, and he is not the kind of man you can walk all over or manipulate. I just cross my fingers and hope that he dies at a very old age. You are also right about the sex. I'm pretty sure our neighbors hate us. =)
A wonderful list and a definite share. Why? Because not only do you realise what you did to blow things, you realised what you should've done and what you WILL do in the future. That's pretty much an epiphany most of us never have.
Dan, Thank you for sharing this! Really, the basic concepts are excellent for both parties of the relationship to remember. I'm guilty of a few of these myself, some I see both my husband and I in, and a few that haven't applied at all in our 11 years.
Sharing your introspection, you're inspiring many others <3 Who knows, maybe a few marriages will be salvaged! Thank you :-)
What a fantastic read both articles made perfect sense to me. Being a full time stay at home mom of 3 in a relationship and now married for 13yrs. I see so many things in this that we both do & many we dont do. It is very useful. I even teared up a few times on things that are very meaningful in our relationship. Thank you for writing this its opened the mind for many women & men!!
Now as they say take your own advice and use it :)
Dan -
I can tell you why so many people connect with your list...because it's so brutally, painfully true! There but for the grace of God go I, or anyone of us... I'm blown away by your honesty, introspection, and vulnerability that very few people would have the courage to admit. You went there, and I applaude you for that because you've helped so many others see ourselves and our own mistakes we've made. I've printed a copy of all 31 and plan on sharing it with my teenage kids once they're in a relationship, esp. my 19-year-old son who suffers terribly from #27's affliction - the need to be right and the smartest one in the room. I also re-posted it on fb for friends/family to read. Thanks for sharing!
I am on marriage #2 currently and see 31/31 reasons for my 1st ending the way it did. I'm printing your list and hanging it on the wall next to my desk. It's too easy and too painful to get lazy. Great good luck in the future. As for the "i'll probably never get a date." I doubt that...millions of ladies around the globe know that you "get it." Best wishes brother.
It was shocking to see every problem I have with my husband in your post. Makes me feel kinda better that we're not doing so well.
Hi Dan, well written!
Are you still offering the pdf? I can't access the download.
Blessings!
Anne
Ummm, like WOW! As in THANK YOU for being so inspiringly courageous. I have never in all my years read such a humble, stripped-of-ego, honest reflection from a male mind. What is alarmingly sad however, is that the "issues" and "problems" you've so graciously identified are systemic of a wretched mind-set that is shredding the hearts of women all over the planet -- at a much faster rate than they can be healed. If you'll allow me to be just as honest, what you've described is common. But what you've described is abuse. It is one thing for a woman to try and describe this ... it is quite another for a man to do so. I can only dream of the day that somehow, every man on the planet will be able to "own" and "come clean with" their stuff in the humble manner that you have just done. You have paved the way for a new level of male honesty, which is another word for COURAGE. THAT is attractive. As the grateful wife of a rare kind of man who courageously made these changes -- we're talking, not just wishful thinking do-overs, but real-life reversals -- I can only affirm to you and every other man reading this -- that IT. IS. WORTH. IT.
Oh, and 22.5 years and counting! :)
I would add a couple. #1 Don't show negative emotions physically, only positive ones. Don't move her, push her etc while arguing. Don't throw objects, don't punch holes in walls, don't flick things, don't stomp, don't stand in the way etc. INSTEAD, say, 'I don't want to argue," then GENTLY hug her or walk away. #2 Chill out when it comes to alcohol &/or drugs. "Self medicatting is not a good thing. #3 Don't try to make her jealous. #4 If you get caught staring at another woman, complement your gal. She catches you, you smile & say,, "Sorry, You are so much prettier than her.. " & kiss her on the cheek. Or use a compliment that she knows is true... Or, ignore what happened, set yourself a reminder on your phone +alarm or calendar) for later on (an hour, a day later, whatever). When the reminder goes off, look deeply into her eyes & give her an honest compliment. You always should make a point to tell her verbally, that she is physically beautiful in whatever way(s) she is!
I saw me in all but two I think and somehow I'm still married to my first wife. Probably won't be long if I don't embrace the wisdom in what you've shared. Must be a lot more of us out there and that probably explains the popularity of your post - and the divorce rate. Thank you! My wife sent these to me by the way. She is smarter than me.
Thank you so much for posting this. There were so many that were absolutely spot on for myself and my husband. Separation of our families would have really decreased a TON of drama and definitely allowed us to create beautiful, new family traditions rather than worrying about making everyone else happy. Our holidays would have been way more relaxed. Romancing a woman begins at sunrise and doesn't end until sundown. The same is true for men. My husband used to participate in so many thoughtful gestures while he was courting me. Once married, it all kinda went out the window, leaving me resentful. A great marriage only works well as long as both people are putting 100% into it. I often hear people brag about the number of years they were married and find myself wondering, "How many of those years were truly happy, though?"
I loved every word, and some of them were reversed for our marriage. Ours is definitely over, but if and when I go for husband number 2, ( I was his number 3) I will read this all the while we date, and subtly bring in parts of it. It's nice to see a man with open eyes and an open heart, and to have mine open as well, I ain't no angel. Thank you for this Dan, I will use it as my worry stone from now on.
A lot of these are really great pieces of advise (and Dan, though these were "don't do's" rather than "do do's" (snicker), people need that too. Some of these wouldn't really apply to me and my relationship, like the "don't make her do gross things" <<(cause if that's not buying into your grandparents gender stereotypes, I don't know what is) and the bringing of flowers and the going out and doing things every other weekend. Hubs and I don't live separate lives, but we're both pretty independent. (I hate it when people hold open doors for me. My arms are not broken!) And we're great at communicating. We've never had a blow out fight simply because we TALK to each other. And when we talk, we don't jump to conclusions or fire accusations at each other. We say what we feel, why we think we feel it, and what can be done to make it better (or keep it good, as the case may be). It boils down to communication and expectations.
Anyway, sounds like you've got yourself a pretty good to-do list! Hope your next marriage is a successful one!
One thing that you say at the beginning of the post that most people don't think of is the fact that you look for someone just like your ex. If things don't work out with someone you are dating, it is not always the relationship but manytimes your choice of who to persue. If a woman is always looking for a cut guy and then she gets annoyed because he never spends time with her because he is always at the gym, chances are another cut guy will cause the same problems. If a guy is attracted to the Model type, but is so jealous he cant handle her talking to other people, he should not go for the Model type next time. My current wife is SOOOO different from my first wife and it is the best relationship I have ever had in my 47 years of dealing with the opposite sex!.
Loved this list, sending to my husband. Actually made me cry a little. Thanks for sharing
Dan, All - yes, YOU
I am the female equivalent of you, Dan. I'm embarrassed and well.... will now take a better look at myself. I, too, am divorced twice, in my mid 30's and haven't figured out how to get on without sabotaging my relationships - whether intimate relationship or platonic. 19, 22, and 27 all are applicable to ME. ME, dear god.
SOOOOO, as I sit here, at my office, finishing up daily tasks and this message, I'm left thinking "am I that good of a partner? What do I bring to the relationship(s) and how can I improve? Do I WANT to improve? (yes I do)".
As many have stated - thank you for your honesty and bluntness!
Respectfully,
The Alaskan Mom
I've been in an amazing marriage for 10 years and I found these extremely appropriate even for those in a great marriage. There are always things that can be worked on, changed for the better. Some of these things I see that I need to be better about toward my husband. I'm sharing this with him and hope he'll gain some insight too. :) Thank you for putting it all out there! Your future other half is a lucky girl!
so THATS why I get the heebie jeebies when he touches me. go figure!
thank you ~ these were honest, and true, and brave, and unbelievably generous of you. i think your next wife will be a very lucky woman.
Dan,
I appreciate all of this as a newly married woman. It works both ways. Thanks, Darlin!
Great stuff Dan! My GF posted the original article which led me to this one. I got married in my early 20s and was divorced by 28 and can certainly say I've made almost all of these mistakes even while ACTIVELY TRYING to avoid some. I guess it just takes a lot of knowing yourself and human nature. This has been a great reminder of the things I need to keep in mind in order to remain the great partner I want to be every day.
And don't forget there is often true strength in vulnerability. Vulnerability is authenticity and people can feel it from within. It's a very attractive trait and likely one major reason your advice has gone so far.
Dan,
You give me hope for humanity! Hubby and I are coming upon our 20th wedding anniversary this year and we've been guilty of many of these transgressions. I'm so proud of you for recognizing the need to share these, the treasure you've shared with not only your sister, but the whole world, as well. I am printing these out and hubby and I will take time to look them over again. We laughed and cried along with what you wrote, realizing some of the silly things we've done (and/or are doing) and how they damage a great relationship. I hope that you find (if you're looking) a lucky lady who'll compliment you in all areas of your life, through weaknesses and strengths, good times and bad. Kudos to you for a WONDERFUL post! God bless!
20andCounting
This was the best thing I've read all day. Everything, absolutely everything was spot on. It's amazing how once the marriage begins the romantic and polite gestures stop. Traditional gender roles are slipped into, and many times resentment builds, eating away and making one forget why they fell in love with a person in the first place. The feelings are lost, the love dies. I'm printing this list of advice up because even though it's common sense, it's also so easy to forget or say, "next time I'll do it." Half of the things listed were things I failed at, and the rest could be transferred as to how a woman could do things differently for him: Instead of flowers for no reason, the wife could buy her husband something for no reason, like baseball tickets, a tech gadget, a massage, etc.
Let me start by saying I am a divorcee after 28 yrs. in. I've been in a "perfect fit" relationship these last 5 yrs. My suggestion to you would be to reverse your list from the negative titles to positive titles. You will be amazed at how this will turn your views around. Good luck and know that there is always someone who is a "perfect fit" for you too.
Thank you. Very much!
I also have two unsuccessful marriages behind me, if staying married is the goal. But i also learned a lot ,too, and feel at peace,and that is a kind of success, too. My most current ex- husband has never ever admitted he did any thing wrong. Ever. I will substitute this post for that long awaited apology and continue to move on! Thanks for sharing and i bet you get LOTS of dates!
Beautiful words friend. Hope love is right around the corner for you :o)
This is awesome! very few guys are able to sit down and realize ( especially to put down even a rough draft of your list ) the things that need to change.. You will find your third marriage and you sound like you will be ready this time.. thanks for the insight !
Just a thought - some gifts are even better than flowers- it takes knowing your partners likes and dislikes- but I'd rather have a copy of one of the books from The Fairy Tale Series ( one of the publishing houses was TOR...) http://www.surlalunefairytales.com/bookstore/windlingseries.html http://us.macmillan.com/series/FairyTales#books-series - or a "new" ( new to my collection - not newly released or unused) cookbooks than cut flowers that are about to die in days or a week. Other people will have other things that they enjoy It is really worth the time and effort to get to really know your partners changing interests and desires- a used copy of one of these books form Amazon is less expensive than flowers, lasts longer, and will make me much happier than flowers- and when buying flowers- potted flowers like tulips that will come back year after year are less expensive than roses, and will also make me happier than roses would have. Now, every time they re-bloom it is like you gave me flowers all over again. so- know thy partner.
thanks a lot for this I am reading it sitting in New Zealand, my friend posted it on facebook. I have never been married but would love to with the right guy one day. However watching my friends marriage fail recently after so long and not really thinking they had any problems was a bit of a shocker. So this has really helped me to understand a bit more from a guys point of view. The passive aggressive one helped me understand someone I was involved with recently too. Hard one to pin down. Sounds like you have grown a lot from your mistakes. That is where most wisdom comes from, lots of failure and trying again. all the best for the future with your family.
I have bookmarked this page, and Part 1 as well. Unfortunately, my so called husband thinks it is unrealistic for me to expect everything you've listed and is unwilling to even consider some of them. At the same time he will tell me he doesn't deserve me.
I love this. I will be passing it all on to my (adult) sons and teenaged daughter (because it works both ways). I also think that the reason it's become so popular is that you're talking from a viewpoint of having tried things one way, had it gone badly, and having learned from the experience. It carries more weight than from an "expert" who never does anything wrong *grin*
May I add one? I have noticed a couple of my formerly single male friends end up this way. I'm sure some women do it too. When unmarried, they never forget things like house maintenance or picking up their stuff or remembering to take out the rubbish bins on bin night. Once married, however, all of a sudden they require constant reminders. They then complain to me how much their wives/partners nag them to do stuff. Cue resentment on both sides. I am often amused (and sometimes frustrated) at how these perfectly capable men morph into wee lads who need a mum to remind them to do every little thing once comfortably partnered. Sure, we all forget stuff and need reminders, but one friend would tell his new wife to remind him to do things I knew full well he was able to do beforehand, and then get stroppy at her when she did remind him... and often she'd end up just doing the job herself. Needless to say, they were not happy, and the marriage didn't last.
I admire the wit and honesty that play into your posts. As a mother of two boys, and married, much of what you say rings true about my thoughts on marriage. Have you considered having a guest, female blogger share in the ways she would do over a marriage, or two? If some of the items are similar (e.g., any of the name calling, sarcasm business), perhaps post them beneath the bonus sections? Although I'm sure you've come 180 on perspective, there are always things the partner can do to improve circumstances, too.
Just a boost to #17 - sometimes those flowers should be delivered to her at work (or even home if she doesn't work and you aren't there).
It's a huge deal to us gals.
Amen Brother! You could be a marriage counselor! So what if you learned from the school of hard knocks rather than an ivy league institution! Real life experience rather than ivory tower talk.
I love what you have written, I have been married 21 years and can really relate to it all. There are somethings we still do and some we have forgotten. You have reminded me of those things. The reasons we fall in love. I appreciate your honesty and feel you should put it in a book to tell the world how we can be all better to each other.
Jodi
Me and my new fiance have lived together for almost a year we were seriously starting to doubt the validity of our relationship because we were always fighting and what was worse we couldn't figure out why. After reading these two posts we (I) realized a lot of faults that had hidden themselves underneath my complacency in my relationship. In conclusion thank you for saving my relationship and future marriage to my best friend.
This is awesome. I may only be 20, and never been married, but being in a serious relationship I can say that these tips will help me out a lot. We may not have kids or live together but there are many tips you gave that can help any relationship. I don't think you will have trouble getting a date haha. I am so glad that you can see what happened in your relationship that went wrong and actually think of ways to fix it. We need more men like this! It may have taken you time to figure these things out but everything happens for a reason, and maybe your divorces happened so that you could become the amazing husband that I know you will be, if you take your own advice! lol Thanks!