About six months ago, we were driving in the car and Noah said, “Dad, are there really bad guys in the world?”
I told him there most definitely were. He asked where they were and I assured him they weren’t anywhere close to us. Pretty soon I found myself neck-deep in a much too funny and philosophical conversation with my five year old about why bad guys exist at all. Eventually, in response to something (I don’t remember what), I told him “there are definitely some things I’d like to change in the world if I could.”
“Like what, dad?”
I thought for a second. Obviously no more bad guys. But what else?
“I think if it were up to me, I’d make a rule that when you buy something, it has to be easy to open,” I said, still annoyed that I’d lost fifteen minutes earlier that day trying to get through the clamshell packaging on a new set of headphones.
“What else?” he asked.
I started listing off all sorts of silly things that I thought he’d get a kick out of, and later that day I started a list in my phone of all the little changes I’d make in the world if only I knew how. The list ended up being all over the place (from ridiculous to serious) but eventually it got long enough that I thought I’d make a blog post out of it.
And with that (much too long) intro, I give you…
JUST A FEW WAYS TO MAKE THIS WORLD MORE AWESOME
(you know… if I could)
1. I’D MAKE SUMMER LAST *AT LEAST* HALF THE YEAR.
Most of us crave moments of awesome irresponsibility, and summer offers unlimited opportunities for that. Summer is when we usually end up in the emergency room with magnificent stories to tell and glorious wounds to show off. Plus, it comes with lots of free Vitamin D, long daylight hours, smaller loads of laundry, and of course, the summer love-bug for us single people.
2. I’D FIND A WAY TO MAKE THE GOOD STUFF GOOD FOR YOU.
You know… I would be a perfect specimen of health if things like milk chocolate and caramel corn were good for me. I mean, while it’s fun to eat a couple hundred handfuls of raw spinach everyday to meet my “don’t die of a heart attack” requirements, it’s not. I’m just saying. Whoever decided to make unhealthy food taste so dang good just wasn’t thinking ahead.
3. I’D MAKE ALL NEW PARENTS ATTEND A “DON’T YOU DARE SAY IT” CLASS.
They’d have to stand at the front of the class while people they love yell things at them like, “what’s the matter with you!?” or “why the heck would you do something so stupid?!” or “are you freaking kidding me?!” Then they’d have to publicly acknowledge that statements like that really hurt their feel-goods and only made them want to act out more.
4. I’D NEVER LET AMAZING PRODUCTS DISAPPEAR.
You know how sometimes you discover something new and amazing? Like pizza-flavored chap stick. Or gum that never runs out of flavor. Or toilet paper that was made from real clouds. And then it disappears from store shelves, never to be seen again? That’s not cool and would not be tolerated in my more awesome world.
5. I’D INVOKE A “FREEBIE” POLICY FOR THOSE WHO ABUSE HANDICAP PARKING.
Few things get under my skin more than seeing some young shmo drive up, hang a handicap placard from the rearview mirror of his BMW, and skip inside like a little girl to buy his latté. If I could, I’d invoke a freebie policy any time it happened. Free tow-away of his car. Free tennis balls to the groin.
6. I’D LIMIT POLITICIANS TO SEVEN CAMPAIGN PROMISES.
“I will make that happen.” I’ve heard that from both presidential candidates more than 4,000 times about 5,000 different things. But let’s be honest. They’re only going to ever try to do six or seven of those things when they’re in office, so make them pick their most honest seven and stick with ‘em. Anything beyond that? They’d have to preface it with, “I’m full of crap, but this is what I’my going to promise anyway…”
7. I’D DISPERSE CULTURES AND DIVERSITY MORE THROUGHOUT OUR COUNTRY.
Sometimes I feel like we all need to be mixed together a little more. Seeing a black person in Utah, for example, is like spotting a unicorn. Mystical and hardly ever happens. Same happens in places all over the country and if it were up to me, there’d be a lot more culture and a lot more diversity mixed in everywhere. You know, so that we don’t start forgetting that it was on diversity that this country was built. Plus, life is just more awesome when everyone’s not the same.
8. I’D BANISH ALL INTERNET TROLLS INTO EXILE.
Some people on the Internet are just plain mean. They get their jollies doing anything they can to make you and me and everyone else feel like completely worthless human beings, and they deserve their own special place in the middle of the desert where they can take out their insecurities on each other. We’ll call it Metrollpolis.