9. I’D STOP MAKING IDIOT DADS THE CENTER OF ENTERTAINMENT.
I think one of the most annoying things I see in this day and age is the serious declining value of good fathers by the media. Believe me, I laugh at it too, but far too many dads and moms are believing the notion that it’s normal for dads to be lazy, reckless, stupid, nonauthoritative, and nonexistent in their kids’ lives.
10. I’D GO BACK IN TIME AND STOP THE BATHROOM SCALE FROM BEING INVENTED.
Never in the history of mankind has one invention led to so many people hating themselves as the bathroom scale has. When the bathroom scale became mainstream, the quest for health went out the window and was replaced with one belief: you aren’t valuable as a human being unless you’re under a certain number. In my even better world, the only thing you’d base your health on is if you can make it to the top of a flight of stairs without having a heart attack.
11. I’D GET RID OF COUNTRIES.
Despite the way that sounds, I’m not saying we should go do something stupid like wipe Iran off the map. I’m saying, countries are lame. Nothing divides the human race more than lines someone once drew in the sand. We live in a day and age where technology brings us all closer together, yet we can still be standing across the fence from someone and feel like we’re *so much better* than they are for no reason except that we’re on our side of the fence.
12. I’D OUTLAW THE CANNING OF MUSHROOMS.
The biggest fail in world history happened the first time someone looked at a jar of canned peaches and thought, I could do that with mushrooms. Mushrooms are fungi grown in poop. They’re bad enough fresh, so why make them thirty times worse? Same goes for peas. <shudder>
13. I’D PATCH THE HOLES IN THE CHILD SUPPORT SYSTEM.
As far as I can tell, the child support system in most states was designed to help single moms who became single moms because Daddy was a dillweed and took off. It was also designed around the idea that fathers work and mothers shouldn’t. Well, that concept is out the window. And nowadays a lot more dads are sticking around and pulling their share of the load so at least give the good ones an equal shake of things.
14. I’D MAKE ALL GADGETS DISAPPEAR WHEN FAMILIES ARE TOGETHER.
My family recently met from all corners of the Western world for my sister’s wedding. Every time there was any type of lull or down time from wedding stuff, the room went silent as everyone whipped out their laptops and tablets and smart phones and iPods (me included) and proceeded to catch up on the lives of all the people they barely knew in junior high while ignoring the people sitting right next to them that actually matter.
15. I’D MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR PEOPLE TO BE DISGUSTING WHILE THEY EAT.
You know how some people just chomp and smack with their mouth hanging wide open while they eat? And how some people chomp and smack and flaunt their chewed up goodness while they try to tell you a million things you don’t want to know while staring into the disgusting hole in their face? And how some people just make meal time so damned gross? I don’t know how, but I’d do away with that for good.
16. I’D IMPOSE SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES FOUR PEOPLE WHO DON’T NO THAT YOU’RE BRAIN HAS PROBLEMS WITH THE WEIGH THEY SPELL THEY’RE WORDS.
Can you imagine how much better this world would be if people would just learn the difference between you’re and your? Or there/their/they’re? It might just be the answer for world peace. I bet our people never found the WMDs in Iraq because the people who knew where they were told them, “their over hear dumdums.”
17. I’D SEW PEOPLE’S MOUTHS SHUT DURING MOVIES.
Listen, dude in back of me. First of all, scoot back in your seat and stop kicking me in the head. Secondly, I don’t want to hear how you “knew it was coming” and how “fake you think the actors are” and how your freaking fantasy football team is doing. And neither does your date who you can’t see is mortified that you won’t shut up.
18. I’D MAKE FAITH THE FOUNDATION OF RELIGION.
“I KNOW THE TRUTH.” I sure get tired of hearing this. Nobody knows the truth. People believe certain things to be true. They may believe it with all of their hearts. They may even be right. But nobody knows. To “know” is to take faith completely out of the equation. AND, to know and to tell everyone you know that you know is the quickest way to make people like me wanna slap you upside the head with a dead salmon. Tell me what you believe instead of what you know and I just might be willing to hear you out.