Anything Other than Straight

Great post! Be proud of who you are! You are helping some many others by being so open and honest. I wish you the best!

Wonderful post. It's not something I've had an issue with myself but my current life decisions have in a way, turned my family against me. They still have me over and love me, but I know they are disappointed and it hurts that they can't just accept my decisions. This article was beautiful and and inspiration for me and even though I'm just a newcomer to your blog, I have loved every article you post. Thank you! And keep being you. 

This was an amazing read.  I'm proud of you, who I've never met, for YOU but also for HUMANITY.  We need more of you in this universe.  Cheers!

I too am something other than straight. I am lucky to have a family and good friends who find this fact to be of little consequence, but I have been met with plenty of hesitation outside my circle. Thank you for sharing this. Being anything other than what's generally accepted as 'normal' can be a hard thing to deal with in this world of ours, but there's always someone somewhere who will accept you as you are or knows just how you feel. No one is ever truly alone.

there is no situation that has ever  been made worse  by throwing love at it ~ just saying.

A very well-spoken explanation of all those intelligent folks that acknowledge that sexuality is a spectrum rather than a switch with only two positions.  Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for sharing.  While I may have already been on a similar journey myself, hearing about your journey positively affected my own.  I recognize your aversion to labels, and I share it, but I feel that adding my own (self-identifying) label to my situation may help explain why I am commenting.  

I am a female; happily, monogamously married to a male.  There is not a single friend or family member I have who knows me as anything but straight - except the ONLY person to whom my sexuality ought to matter: my husband!!  This is the only person to whom my sexuality should matter.  The only one for whom my sexuality is to be any kind of thought in their day.  I, like yourself, am able to avoid the judgment because I am (here comes the evil label) mostly straight/75%/somewhere-between-purple-and-magenta... I could go on.  The fact is I have always been attracted to men, only ever imagined I would partner with a man, but I always enjoy the thought of "mild" encounters with women.  Wild flings of passion, rather than lasting relationships.  

The thing that I did when I started to realize that this put me in a magenta zone rather than strictly purple or strictly pink was allow people that I was dating to be aware that I had this "other than straight" part of me.  This is the reason why I'm posting.  To encourage you to share this information with your romantic partners.  It made my dating life infinitely better on both my mental health and my sex life.  Even if the issue was not brought up in the heat of the moment, I felt accepted by my partner and able to think and feel whatever I chose to in that moment.  Maybe my thoughts would be on my partner, on a potential other male partner, or on a potential female partner.  I knew that my partner accepted all of me.  If they didn't, they could hit the curb.  Don't put yourself in a place where you aren't 100% accepted because it is a toxic place to be.

I know it can be scary to think about who might judge you or who will no longer trust you when they learn this information.  Would I be able to hug my heterosexual girlfriends as tightly if they knew?  Would they let me give them back rubs when they've had an awful day?  When I'm partner dancing with a female would my parents think I'm going to leave my husband for my dance partner?  Yes these questions are big.  Yes, I recognize the advantage I have being "female 75% straight" rather than "male anything but straight" (as there are unfortunately biases that favour female gayness to male gayness particularly femme/femme gayness).  But if you begin outing yourself slowly, with your romantic partners at first--the people that actually have a reason to be interested in your sexual preferences--I think you will find a greater peace within yourself.  I also think that you will find yourself able to fall more deeply in love than you had in your previous marriages because the person that you fall in love with, will have been given the chance to truly fall in love with *you*.  The whole you, not just the socially acceptable part.

I apologize that my comment was long, but again, I just have to say thank you for saying what you did.  It helped me get a boost on my personal journey, and I hope my boosted self was able to give you a boost in return.  Much much much love!!

I love you!

I know itslast year, Dan .. but here goes :

Dear Dan,

You can't be serious !   Sex is a problem?

Do you realize that it is so such a non-issue? (No belittlement of your pain and suffering intended) 

Sex is a means of expression .. some do not get to use it wisely or properly, some do. So what. Those with a problem just need to learn more about it to face and try overcome the problem.

Love is a totally different matter. And there are many different kinds.
So you fall in love whether straight or gay, .. that's it. You have sex as an expression of spousal love (the best aphrodisiac in my experience). That's it. However, .... is your love 'Great" or not? THAT matters greatly. To you, to the other, to others who would like to have it, too .. who want and seek it in their lives as well. It is joyful to behold, and it is joyous when enjoyed. We all want MORE of it, the BEST of it. And we believe that it is connected to the divine. Amen to that.

Animal lust is another matter. Are you horny ... or not. Is it periodic ... or not.  Does it run AND ruin your life, .. or not. Do you bother with it .. or not . No real biggie, there.

Love is BEYOND all that. Take a close HARD look at all the love you have felt for everything and anything you've ever come across in life. FEEL the differences of different kinds of love and DISSOCIATE it with the urge to hump !  
Be it humping the same sex, the opposite sex, or the sexy looking doorknob on the patio door !  Who really cares !?!!  

I know its been painful, but be true to yourself and dare seek the ultimate truth about your self as a person. A WHOLE person. See ALL that, ... and that matter of the smaller part of you that is all sexual orientation and sexual hi-jinks .... so non-issue!  After you've found out ALL that you are .. peace comes and remains. You KNOW who you are. No doubts.    

If you project yourself as having a problem with your own sexual orientation, others pick up on that. So why bother?
Why even have a problem, for that matter. Explore and be confident that God already loves you and that thru your recognition of your own sexual likes and dislikes, ... you JUST ARE FINDING OUT MORE ABOUT YOURSELF as a human being.  Truth be told, no one is purely one kind of a person and orientation don't matter much. Love matters most. That's it.

So, ... Go and be ALL Dan Pearce can be, God bless.you! 

Good for you posting this. That's all I can say :)

 Hi, Dan. Welcome to my... OUR... world.

In case you'd like to read *my* story, you can do so over here: http://arainbowflaginnarnia.blogspot.com/2005/03/introduction-judge-tenderly-of-me.html . It was originally an anonymous blog post that I used to come out to my friends, my fellow seminary community, and the church friends who had helped send me to the Lutheran School of Theology at Chicago (LSTC) with the intent of becoming a Lutheran pastor. (I actually ran out of money and eligibility before they could have thrown me out for my sexuality.) You may identify with one or more parts of this...

You may also find a great resource in the Gay Christian Network (http://www.gaychristian.net), if you have not already done so. As you might imagine, there are a LOT of people in your situation - with conservative/homophobic parents, friends, siblings, coworkers, and yet with a not-inconsiderable faith. 

You have an incredible gift for writing...one that I rather envy. No matter what happens, don't let that go away. Stay with us, even through the days that might seem like they have been Federal-Express'd straight from the bowels of Hell. There will be much joy - and there will be more than a few of those Fed-Ex days, too. 

No matter what the world tells you: you are not alone, and you are not damned. Just different.

I loved your writing, and I kinda feel identified with what you felt, especially when I'm with my family and some friends don't know I'm not straight!

Dan, I feel I have to preface this response with the fact that I really enjoy your writing. I think you are clever and conscientious, a loving dad and an all-around decent human being. Your Noah is as cute as he can be and I can see the love you share. I discovered your blog through a friend who'd shared your "I'm Christian..." post on facebook. Now, having said all of that, I found some parts of this a little problematic.

I'm going to try and see this all outside of my out-gay-self-aware ivory tower. I'm nearly 40 now and have been out since I was 18 so sometimes I tend to forget the troubles inherent in trying to figure all this stuff out, come to terms with it and proceed in life as the same person you always were. That prayer/mantra you keep saying, "Please God, don't let me be anything other than straight" would seem to indicate your desire to live outside of labels but it in fact seems to have done the opposite. You saddled yourself with a desired label and then found it was something you couldn't live up to. 

All those fears you had about problems people would have with you were never yours in the first place. I, too, was terrified in the beginning of what family members would say, about whether or not friends would dessert me. I come from an extremely religious family and their views on sexual orientation were crystal clear from my earliest days. Some family members said the most hateful of things (even my mother who'd always been my champion), some friends surely did shut the door on me; but coming out gave me this wellspring of self-respect that until then I had certainly lacked. I hope that turns-out to be the case with you as well. 

My concern for you, Dan, is that you are still cutting yourself off from some level of happiness. Well, if not happiness, then certainly experience. I only say this because I've seen people go through it: if you don't act-on or at least take ownership of your feelings toward other men (I may be wrong, perhaps you have though it doesn't sound like it), I don't think you'll be able to have any successful relationships with women. The thing you may be missing-out-on will become so omnipresent in your mind that it'll cloud the way you see all your romantic relationships with women. Maybe just some food for thought. Be careful with the labels, my friend. They can be as useful or as problematic as you allow them to be. You put "straight" on yourself and look what you let it do to you for 21 years. By the way, Mom is my champion again.

This is truly inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I hope it helps not only younger people to come out, but especially people of your age group and older. As you've experienced, it's generally harder to come out when you have established yourself as a "straight male" when you're 30 or older. I hope your experience helps people to come out and accept themselves for who they are.  

Your story is inspiring. Thank you for sharing. I have only recently come to reading your blog and I have loved all that I have found. This included. It is always hard to be honest with ourselves. I hope I too can have that honest conversation with myself.

I've just been randomly clicking on your blogs, thought this might be about if your son turned out to be gay. 

To anyone that your sexual orientation would make a difference to, by all means leave (in my opinion of course). You're a teacher, an inspiration to single fathers everywhere, a humorist, and none of that changes by being gay/straight/bisexual, whatever.

 Congratulations on your courage though. I have a bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, and it's hard enough telling people that. They think I'm crazy. I can't imagine how hard this was for you. 

I know a ton of people have commented, but figured I would throw my 1.5 cents in there. 

I've tried to comment-- but it is too long.

I hope that one day, I can be as brave as you. 

Oh, I am so glad that people are still commenting on this and there's no reason for me to back out of posting this simply because I don't want to bother you with a comment alert. And I'm sorry if what follows doesn't make as much sense as I hope it does. It's late at night, and my brain is a little tired.

But this is so real. This is how it happens. And you're a hero for telling the world how it happens and why it happens. It's so painful to sit in a bathroom and cry for these reasons, but I'm glad I wasn't the only one who went through it in a bathroom. As cheesy and silly as it sounds, I'm glad I'm not the only one who went through this in this way. Shortly after all of this happened to me, I heard a saying that bisexual people were just gays who couldn't make up their mind, and so I went back in my bathroom and cried a bit more. Eh, it's a silly thing, but I really think we have the best of it all. I've always wanted to marry a boy and have babies that way, so that's what I'm doing. But everything is so much easier when you've got yourself sorted out, it really is, and I've been so glad that this is my choice and not my only option. Just remember that you don't have to be all super into the LGBTQ organization stuff. Don't let people push you around and pressure you into it, because we can like rainbows just for their prettiness, damn it, not because of society's symbolism. I'm just an artist who likes all the colors together. (Plus those parades are a bit too noisy. I don't flaunt my sexuality, but I don't hide it, and it's hella fun to spring on people when they make half-assumptions after thinking they know you well enough. They get all floppy and awkward and I laugh and totally mess up their perception of people as a whole.)

Ah, I don't want to ramble my life story, but thank you again. Yours is the most real account that I've read, and I truly appreciate the attention that you've brought to it. And I'm glad that you've finally come to be who you are, because everyone will be better for it. I could talk about this all day. Er, all night and through to day. It's quite an experience, quite a story. I hope you thoroughly enjoy your freedom of mind and the rest of your life that follows. <3 My well wishes to you and your families.

Discovering who you are is apart of the journey, you know the journey, called life.  It seems to me that stripping down, letting go of the societal expectations, and reliazing you past, present, and future are just that.  So recognizing who you are, is really a bold and brave declaration of self knowledge, I applaud you. I applaud you more, for being able to be honest with so many people in your life, but mostly yourself. I have only been reading your posts for about 2 weeks, and I never ever blog or respond to blogs,  I am you fan now.  You move me, thank you.

All I have to say is that you are the man! It takes a great amount of courage, by which you have displayed, to admit to others and to oneself, most importantly, the truth of any facet. I commend you for it and am sure you are living a happier, healthier lifestyle as your blog site entails. Salute!

I am so so sorry that you have so many anti-gay people in your life!
I really hope that your family and the friends you love the most are wonderful to you after this.
You are an amazing father and a hilarious man.  If you lose people over this, it is their loss, not your's.
Be strong Dan.  You have a TON of supportive followers, even if we are just internet friends.  
<3 Marjorie

Dan, I am so glad that a friend told me where to find this post. Ever since I read the first of your blog posts that I have read (I'm Christian, unless you're gay), I have felt there was a certain, though unspoken, identity connection between us. In the less than 24 hours that I've been reading your blog, I have been touched, amused, and humbled by your very open and honest sharing of who you are. You touch on things that I, and I am sure many of us, either feel, or have felt, and there is something about the commonality of human experience that we all share, that brings us together and causes us to identify with one another. THAT event is certainly wonderful, in that it breaks down barriers between people and allows for understanding, acceptance, and love.

In your post "Anything other than straight",  you did a masterful job of expressing yourself, and the fears, and the wrestling that many of us experience(d) as we "come out". It is a scary thing, when you realize that what you've always been told you HAVE to be, just isn't a reality for you. I knew from a very young age, and actually identified what it was that was different for me, from about age 15. But in the conservative Deep South, and a rural area at that, in the 70's when I was running from it, it wasn't the right time to be honest about it. I was in my early 40's, at the time when my straight marriage was failing, when I decided that enough was enough, and I just couldn't -- I just wouldn't -- live that lie anymore. It had its repercussions, I assure you. But I got through it, too. Just like you are getting through it. It's been almost 15 years now, and looking back, although I still wish that the family life I had always dreamed of could have lasted my whole lifetime, I honestly would not change anything, nor go back, even if I could. I still love my two daughters very much (one born in 1980, the other in 1987), and they are blessings I would not have if I hadn't made the effort to at least try that "other" life.

Thank you for sharing your stories and, so, giving a voice to so many of the rest of us who either have not yet, or for whatever reason cannot yet, do so for ourselves. And thanks also that your blog and its comments section provide an open forum, a safe place where we all can discuss these things as much as we desire. I admire your courage in being open about so many of the struggles you  have gone through, your jovial and chuckle-inducing ways of expressing things, and your determination to resist the temptation to lie down, give up, and disintegrate into a heaping pile of crying, squalling, self-pity and uselessness. You have a fan. A follower. A friend. Someone in your corner, who is pulling for you, and cheering you on. You go, boy!!  :)

I love this post. It's amazing and perfect. You speak to the fear and doubt of being labeled so perfectly. I grew up Mormon too and still catch myself with similar expectations and prejudices, that anything other than straight (and what's more, male-centric straight) is just wrong. Love is beautiful in all of its forms, as long as it is between consenting adults who am I to judge what, how or why they love? What's more, who am I to judge them as anything other than the entire person that they are, not just one label about one aspect of their personality? Thank you for sharing this.

What an incredibly touching post.  I love that you can be so publicly honest.  I hope and pray that you can find love and acceptance with your friends and family if you ever choose to tell them about this.  I know many gay and bi-sexual people, male and female, and it is a very small part of who they are.  Their loyalty, faithfulness and kindness is far more important than who they choose to sleep with.

I just found your blog, you are an amazing person. Our sexuality doesn't define who we are as a person. What we do to better the world defines that. I shall keep reading you now that you have my utmost respect. 

How about not being gay? Or straight? or bi? How about being human? And happy? and whole? How about loving and being loved for those things rather than gender? Finding the one that your heart delights in...and just loving them...for who they are and how they live and for feeling more free with them than without them...

I love your blog more now than I did before.

The truth is an interesting thing - being honest with yourself is hard sometimes, but so worth it.

You are admirable, lovable and PERFECT. I'm certain that your son is proud to have such a brave, honest, and genuine Dad. Those are the qualities that make a decent human being. The people that love you won't judge the small details. :)

Well you're going to have to do FAR more than this before I stope likeing you and supporting your blog.  ROCK ON, friend.  Things are going to get a"Whole lot better" for you now.   In the words of a very famous Jew, "Ye shall know the truth, and THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE"

I've never commented on your posts, but I had to tell you that this one brought tears to my eyes. You are strong. You are brave. And I thank you for having the courage to not deny yourself. I wish you good friends, and people who stand by you because of who you are, not what you're labeled. I wish you good fortune, that you may find your path to happiness. And I hope you know that for every person out there who will distance themselves because you're out, there are more of us who will accept you as you are, and wish you well.

Stay strong. Stay brave. 

This was so courageous and beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.

You are a star! Honesty is best in my book and I commend you for your honesty and who you are! Keep being great!

As a gay person of faith, I was amazed and moved by this piece...as I am pretty much by all that you blog (and which I share with friends on my Facebook). You will probably never know the impact you have with your words and thoughts. Keep writing. Keep the faith. And you and Noah keep smiling.

So much love 

Take a deep breath.  It will be okay.  It may not ever be the same, but eventually, it will be okay.  I don't know you and you don't know me.  I am a straight christian mother of five and I support you.  I will reach out a hand of friendship so that you know you are not alone right now.  Please don't crawl in a corner.  Open your front door and step into the sunlight and truly embrace all the amazing things that you are.  A person should never be defined by something as silly as who they love, or rather, the gender of who they love.  You LOVE.  That is the important part. I truly hope that your family and friends are able to step away from a narrow view and simply LOVE YOU.  Wishing you an amazing journey sir.

Nothing but <3

Wow!  I don't know what to say.  Oh wait...yes I do.  You'll have to try a lot harder to lose me as a subscriber.  I've been reading you for a long time, but have never posted a comment., so let me introduce myself.  Hello Dan, my name is Joanna...I love your writing...I love what you do, and...guess what?  I love you...for the person you are and for the person you are becoming.

I like, occasionally even love, a lot of what you write, but I never expected you'd match the power of "I’m Christian, unless you’re gay." I was wrong. Thank you.

Wow.  I'm just seeing this today and I'm sitting in my kitchen crying my eyes out.  The bravery that it must have took to write this!  Your son is one lucky dude to be raised by a guy who is not afraid to open himself up to the world and reveal his truth.  You're showing him what real men are made of.  Bravo.  I don't even know how long ago you wrote this, but I hope things are much better for you now, Dan!  

Kate Leong 

One of the best blogs I have read. Thank you for sharing.

I can think of a whole lot of labels to pin on you, sir: articulate, brilliant, gutsy, authentic, courageous, effective, awesome, and possibly even sexy (although I usually reserve judgment on that until I've met someone in person).  And I think these labels are useful for offering insight to a stranger into what you might be like.

The label "bisexual" may be objectively accurate, but it's useless.  It doesn't tell anybody anything about YOU; it (and their reaction to it) only tells people about themselves.

When you screw something up (and everyone does from time to time), apologize for what you DO.  Never, never, never apologize for what you are.  Bright Blessings on the journey that lies before you, and thank you for all the good you do in the world by saying what needs to be said.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing, Dan. What a strong man you are to share something so intensely personal. I can only imagine how many scared/lost/lonely/confused people you are helping with your openness. You're playing a part in making this a better, loving world!

Dan, your flipping awesome.... I dont care if you gay, straight or in between you're an amazing person and I still like you and your post

Powerful.
I really appreciated this post, having struggled with sexuality myself. I've learned that the people who accept you regardless of your sexual orientation are usually the ones who matter more anyways. Keep your chin up, and try to focus on those awesome people in your life who support you!
Thank you so much for sharing.

My admiration for you just skyrocketed for this post.  I agree with you on how I much I dislike labels. This particular piece of yours made me tear up, but in a good way.  Thank you for these words.  

You are a very brave man, no matter how long it has taken you to come to that realization.  I am a recent follower of you and have enjoyed your posts and photos on Facebook, but that is just the surface of a person-this comes more to the heart of you. I am thankful for your honesty and pray for your peace of mind.  Not "pray" in a creepy you're wrong kinda way, NOT AT ALL, but pray that you and those around you can finally have peace with the small part of the whole man that you are.  I am heterosexual, but I have a gay mother who came out when I was 16-I'm 40 now and I still see the struggle she has to deal with in the world, but not with those that love her.  I pray that those that love you will come to acceptance and peace as well.  Thank you for sharing your story.  I pray your struggle with self acceptance lessens everyday and that soon you will be free to love and be loved for the whole man that you are.

Mandy

I just found your blog so I'm not a long term reader - but I think I'll be staying.  There is no reason that any person should have to hide and struggle as you did just to accept who you are.  There is no acceptable reason that anyone should treat you differently because of who are -  You are not a label.  From the little bit I've seen so far, you are a compassionate, dedicated person - the kind of person I like to have in my life.  I hope your speaking out here eases the emotional burden you've been carrying.  I'm sure it has helped others fighting the same battle.

*hug*

I'm sorry that you had so much fear and pain.  Here is one more person who accepts you, no matter what.  I've loved reading your blog, as I find your voice so compelling.  I hope this is a wonderful new start for you, free from that suffocating doubt and fear.

*hug*

I will continue to follow your blog.  One of my favorite quotes is: “It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”
― André Gide, Autumn Leaves.