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You know what they say… Kids say the darndest things. As a parent, I am reminded of that daily. Like when Noah last week said, “If there was ever a monster under my bed, I would just grab it and squeeze the poop out of him until he left.”


Anyway, in an attempt to feel like a normal parent, I asked you on the SDL Facebook Page what the funniest thing was that you’ve ever heard a kid say. Here are a few of your answers.

  1. “Mom,…did you know that S#*T is poop?”…with a very puzzled look. 🙂 LOL
  2. “Daddy, when I get big I guess I’m just going to have my babies on the floor because I don’t know where the hospital is.”
  3. When I had my oldest at the doctors for her first visit there was a little girl about 4 years old also in the office. She came over to see the baby with her mother. She asked her mother if they could go get a baby. Her mother asked “where could we go to get a baby?” to which the little girl thought for a moment and then, you could see the light bulb light up I swear, she exclaims “Wal Mart! You can get anything at Wal Mart!”
  4. We were driving down the road and siren’s passed us. My then 3 year old son said “Either someone is hurt or the President is in town.”After having given birth three days prior, we were standing in the Costco checkout when my 5 year old suddenly blurts out “Mommy, how’s your vagina feeling today?”. I burst out laughing, but the checkout woman turned bright red.
  5. 9 year old daughter fooling around on her crutches and fell on her face. she jumped up, embarassed, and says “I guess this conclusively proves that i cannot fly.”
  6. My four year old daughter to the cashier, “Did you know that Daddy is Mommy’s cousin?” A quick whisper of ‘husband’ cleared up the situation, but I wanted to DIE! lol
  7. My2 year old son: “UGH, this stupid seat belt!!” My 4 year old daughter: “you kiss your mother with that mouth??”
  8. When I was a kid we had a shortage of little girls to be “flower girl” in weddings in our family, so my parents more or less volunteered me for a few of the ceremonies. At one wedding, I was all dressed up and holding my basket of flowers- more or less waiting for my cue when the wedding coordinator came up and began to try to go through what I was supposed to do. I held my hand up to her and said “Back off lady, I’m a professional.” My mom was fighting back the laughter.
  9. My son was playing with his newly discovered manhood in the bath once and excitedly said “mommy I have an apple! No, I have TWO apples!”
  10. We took my 2 year old niece to the grocery store. She was SO excited to see the new Ritz Bits crackers she had seen in a commercial. Unfortunately, the words that she uttered LOUDLY and repeatedly were not Ritz Bits but ‘Rich Bitch, Rich Bitch!’
  11. A car cut a friend off as we were driving down the street and he said, “Jesus Christ!!” My son, about 4 at the time, sat straight up looking all around asking, “WHERE??WHERE??” We still laugh about that! My baby is 17 now!
  12. My then three year old Blake charged over to his Grandpa, who was falling asleep in his recliner and exclaimed, “Grampa, don’t give up!”
  13. I told my 2 year old daughter one morning after breakfast that she smelled like bananas. She took a long thoughtful sniff of me and said, “Mommy, you smell like a unicorn.” Best compliment of my life.
  14. My son, at 3, asked me if his penis would get bigger. i told him that yes, as his body grew, his penis would also. he said, very matter-of-factly, “Yay.” and i nearly fell out of my chair laughing.
  15. We fostered two children, one for 14 months and the other for 22 months. After they returned home, we had new neighbors who asked our 5 year old son if he had any brothers and sisters and he said, “Yes, but we selled them.”
  16. My 4 year old sang “Jimmy crapped corn” for the longest time.
  17. My three year old was in line for the bathroom at the fair and she yelled at the top of her lungs “oh no! There was a tsunami in my underpants!!!”
  18. In the room with all the moms and dads and kids right before going on stage for the children’s church Christmas pageant, referencing the movie “Space Balls”…right when the whole room got silent for the prayer… my 4 year old son said “I’m surrounded by A$$holes!”
  19. My 4 year old Ewan said “me and daddy stand up to wee but mummies and girls sit down so they can text on their phones.”
  20. 5 year old son, “when will Daddy be home?” Me, “I don’t know.” Son, “google it!”
  21. When my three year old was asked if she and her twin brother were identical, she replied, “No, my brother has a penis.”
  22. My daughter (4) to my son (3) “Don’t touch your penis!” My son’s reply “I have too. That’s how it gets its power!”
  23. 4 year old Jaidyn: “Diarrhea? Is that like when you think you have to fart, but you accidentally poop your pants instead?”
  24. 4 year old nephew “Mommy, come look at my pooh! It’s green like your eyes!”
  25. I’m a K-5 music teacher, and recently had triplets! After Christmas break, I decided to share my news with students. I told my third graders that I was have triplets, three babies. I had one little boy seem really confused by the whole idea. He came over and said, “three!? Where ya getting the other two?!” I told him that all three were in my belly. He sat down, slapped his hand on his forehead and sighed, “People can fit three in there? Holy cow!”
  26. My son who is 4 said he was getting a Prius. My 5 year old said “brother you can’t drive! Why do u need a car?”, he responded with…”well mom doesn’t know how to drive either and she has a car!!!”.
  27. I forgot to buy milk for about two days every time I was out…on day 3 I remembered,put it in the fridge…i guess my little 5yr girl was impressed..that night she opened the fridge and shrieked “jesus christ we have milk” she is almost 15 and we still laugh about it.
  28. Easter of 2010 we told my little guy that after his nap we were going to have an easter egg hunt and he said, “I get the Shot Gun”.
  29. When someone told my 4 year old he was so cute then asked if she could take him home he responded witha huge smile “Do you live by McDonalds?”

If you laughed today, share that laughter everywhere you can share it. Like on Facebook or with your mother-in-law or with the lady doing your nails!

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

PS. Knowing that I might use it in a blog post, what is the funniest thing you’ve heard a child say, and what was your favorite from today’s list?

Also, be sure to check out other editions of My KID said that?!

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 2 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!