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The Darkness Before the Light

I honestly don’t know what to say. I didn’t in a hundred years expect such an outpouring of love and kind wishes after coming-out to you all on Tuesday.

After 21 years of ever-building fear, I had convinced myself that coming-out might very well be the end of my relationship with many family members, my blog, and many friendships.

I have much to say about it all. Beautiful stories to share. Poignant lessons learned.

It’s amazing the difference a few hours can make. It’s amazing how quickly one’s biggest fears can all but vanish into the love and light that replaces them.

But before the love and before the light there was very real darkness.

I started writing that coming-out post five months ago. I started writing it after some extremely difficult moments in my own existence. I started writing it in desperation, not bravery. I started writing it after I very seriously came close to taking my own life over it.

In those five months, I also wrote five other very heavy posts which I plan to share next.

The first post is the darkest. It’s called “Over the Edge,” and sharing that will be as hard or harder than sharing the last one. In it, I share my worst and darkest moment in this journey (in which I almost took my own life) as well as the moment when I finally submitted to the truth. I didn’t intend to share this or write it. It just came out while I was attempting to write something else, and I left it as is. It’s the one post of them all that I haven’t touched or edited for fear of not being able to share it at all.

The second post is called “Stoned to Death” and was something I wrote the day after I penned “Over the Edge.” I wrote it while I was angry and frustrated with the society and pressure that had pushed me to that point and I didn’t tiptoe around the tulips with it.

The third post is called “My journey. My story. My heart.” In this post I attempted to discuss many of the personal dynamics that went on in-between my moment in front of the mirror and coming out to you all.

The fourth post is called “The Girl Who Couldn’t Love Me.” I have learned that love and dating as a bisexual is not without its more painful dynamics (as is evidenced by how many women are saying they’re bummed in the comments that I’m not datable anymore). This was a post that attempts to explore a little bit of that.

And finally, I wrote a post called “And then I heard it.” It talks about coming out to my brother/best friend before coming out to the world, which was by far one of the hardest and most important moments in all of this. I may post this one first or last. I’m not sure.

Why I’m telling you about these posts ahead of time, I don’t know.

I think there are two reasons.

276 comments
smilingbird
smilingbird

Dan, I've not yet read the promised blogs (I'm catching up after having been away for a few weeks - what a surprise to come back to!).  However, after reading the "prologue" here, I was struck that this journey you've written might be a book.  As a therapist in training, I recognize the need for good materials for people who are struggling with similar situations.  Your writing is clear, and emotionally true without getting unduly wordy.  Something to think about: compiling your posts on the subject of sexual preference, judgement, and personal coming out, and organizing them for publication. 

I bought your fatherhood book.  I'd buy this one in a heartbeat.

Cara Crisler
Cara Crisler

All I could think when I read this post, and especially, "But first I must be accountable to the darkness. It was, after all, the darkness that made the light possible." was: HELL YES. Yes to the raw reality of it all. We can handle it, because we can imagine how true it is. Not to the same degree perhaps, but we've all gone through the valleys to get to some peaks. We are all only human, and the dark stuff is just as real, important as the good. It's taken me 42 years to see the importance of facing the darkness, and not just putting on one big smile for the world to see. The next step, sharing it, is the real stuff of life, I think. Thank you for being so real with your story, and for sharing it.

dukeofmildew
dukeofmildew

Think of it this way... some of your male readers are thinking "Oooh, he *IS* dateable now!"

BrittneyCaldwell1
BrittneyCaldwell1

pure shenanigans - you not being datable...not only are you hot, and smart, and a great dad...but now you can be you...and even if you decide to not date women for awhile...you are still dating someone (so, kinda rules out "not datable") that's just shelfish thinking on "their" parts..((hugs))

Kirriam
Kirriam

I'm not sure how I might be perceived when saying this.. maybe insensitive, maybe open minded, maybe indifferent or maybe full of love... but I've read your posts several times and I'm still having trouble understanding why realizing you're something other than straight would bring so much pain. I can understand why there might be shock and distrust after realizing such a secret has been kept hidden, but I seem incapable of understanding why it'd bring hate, self loathing and suicide thoughts, and it's troubling me

So, please don't change your mind about posting the posts you've described here. Your post won't only be a way for you to deal with the darkness, it's also something others might need to read. I don't believe I'm unique in this.

I like what you write and your writing style. Thanks for sharing your awsomeness with us.

Mari A
Mari A

like like like like :)(totally inarticulate, but exactly how I feel)

sbellusa
sbellusa

Human nature is an odd thing.  I've always found it troubling why people feel the need to label themselves as well as other people.  Christian, Democrat, Straight, Homosexual Black, White...whatever.     Instead, I wish for a world where people can just be who they are, live authentically and know that they are accepted.  I could write for days on this subject but I won't, because...well...this is your Blog, not mine.  Bravo to you for having the Courage to address your fears, address your labels and hopefully break free from the stigma they  burden.  Hug Hug Hug.

KarenHill
KarenHill

Somehow I missed this post. But I am glad I checked in. And thank you for acknowledging that you are soooooo much more than the darkness that enveloped you. I am so grateful that you are still here!!

DavidStevens
DavidStevens

Hey Dan,

I'm reminded of the Buddhist version of the Prodigal Son story (which predates the Biblical version). Here's a retelling: http://suite101.com/article/buddhist-stories--the-prodigal-son-parable-a247298

To summarize: The son of a rich man squanders his wealth and essentially forgets that he comes from a loving, prosperous family. Through a series of events he ends up back at the family estate as a low-level employee, but through hard work is quickly promoted up the ranks to where he can stand by his father proudly.

The moral, as I see it, is that sometimes we forget how loved and important we are, and we need to go down in the dark in order to rise back up and find our proper place in the light.

Peace and love to you, brother.

krisinluck
krisinluck

I know the darkness, the fear, the wish it was different.  The love of my life struggled with his sexuality.  He loved me.  He wanted the house, the 2.5 kids, the dog, and the picket fence with me.  But he loved me enough to be honest with me.  We were young, and AIDS was new, and I was scared to death.  He finally moved out, and claimed who he was.  He remains, to this day, to be the last person who really understood me - all of me, not just what I let the world see of me.  He was my soul mate.

A year later, I was working an overnight shift in a diner, and this couple would come in every night for something to eat.  I got friendly with them as they were regulars.  I always wanted to grab the girl and tell her to watch her heart, because after what I'd be through, I could see it five miles off.  But we all have our own path.  I learned that from him.

One night, we were chatting as I filled their coffee cups.  I don't even know what we were talking about, but all of a sudden the guy looks at me funny, then says:  "Oh my God.  Are you Les' Kristi?"  I'm sure my face went white; I remember feeling the blood leave my head.  When I didn't answer, he said, "Les who cooks at Denny's?"  A very deep breath later, I said yes I was.  "He talks about you all the time.  He says he misses you."  I held it together, because, let's face it, I'm at work and I had learned masks and walls quite well during the year.  "Can I tell him where you are?"  Of course.  Of course.

The next night, about 10:30, the phone rang at work.  It's a restaurant - the phone rings all the time - but I knew it was him.  One of the other servers answered, then called me over.  My gut was a boulder.  Short conversation, but he wanted to know if it was okay to come in and see me.  Of course.  Of course.

When he walked in, I met him in the vestibule.  Not one word was said, but I think we hugged each other in silence for about five minutes.  (Good thing it was quiet in there that night.)  He stayed for a few hours, visiting as my work allowed.

There is a picture of him at my wedding several years later.  A candid shot of him with the saddest look on his face.  I know he loved me.  But he did the right thing for both of us by being true to himself.

Shortly after my son was born in 1992, we had a stupid argument.  I never spoke to him again, although I did make attempts.  His partner was a bit of a piece of work (I'm trying to be nice here) and after Les' death in 1998, I talked to his mother.  She said he kept every letter, everything...but those attempts were not found in his belongings.  If I ever get arrested in Denver for beating someone to a pulp, it will be legit.  That guy cost me more than he could ever know.  

It's not, as so many say, a "choice".  If he had a choice, we'd have that life we both wanted.  And he would still be alive today.

Share what you learned, Dan.  There are so many out there who need to see it, and to see you come out the other side a complete person.  Much love.

steeldrago
steeldrago

ive been out as gay for better than ten years now so here is my two cents. there is this running joke of bi-now gay later, i was not certain of its actuality until they told the joke on brothers and sisters....because it is generally easier for a gay man to say he is bi before he comes-out as gay because being bi is somehow less threatening (you can technically choose not to act on your same sex attraction and thereby live a hetero life-it doesnt remove the attraction in anyway really though) to being a macho, butch guy (cause its only gay if you're the one receiving the dreaded other man's penis). for those of us who are adults we understand it is not that black and white and we let go of that childishness long ago. 

addressing the darkness, it is an illusion. the darkness here that devours you whole and consumes the life you have and the life you could have is a thing created by fear and lies, it thrives on ignorance and it becomes a self reinforced doom....but it also reveals truths to you. in that darkness is buried the truths that will allow you to live authentically and in the grandest sense of story telling- that darkness is the cave of wonder and temptation that holds the excalibur of your life that will give you the power and authority to slay the vilest monsters of your own creation. all you need do, sometimes, is reach out to that truth and ACCEPT it, that truth is yours and no one else can ever take it from you. you can give it away to others and in that choice live a lesser life or die shame-faced to yourself.  sometimes, however, we need that external hand to help us and having been to that point im still trying to understand it and find the words-if they exist.  

there exists such amazing beauty in this world that will wash out the deepest most repressive darkness but there is a balance to all things we cannot know the light without the darkness. we as persons are bearers of both.  

much love and many blessings to all.

Jecca
Jecca

Dan, you are at the beginning an incredible journey.  These are the times you will take baby steps, make mistakes, and find peace in your soul as you learn to live an authentic life.  I am so thankful that you are allowing us to take that journey with you.  You have a lovely soul and a brilliant mind.  Your words resonate with so many people! 

 Once upon a time, I used to go to this church - it wasn't a perfect place, but every time I went, it was like the sermon had been designed to speak to me, what was going on in my life that I needed to work on.  Unfortunately, the pastor moved on and I moved away.  For 15 plus years, I've not had anything like that.  Then, when I needed it most, I found your blog.  I find it interesting how your posts mirror my life.  There is almost always something withing them that I can relate to.  In many ways you've helped me grow.  Thank you.

Please, please, please continue to lay your story out to us.  Life is not all sunshine and lollipops!  What you are living is HARD.  Share the journey.  Help everyone to understand.  Lay down the veil - the one that you think keeps you safe.  The one that holds you back from living your life as you need to.  It is scary to be different!  By sharing, Dan, you gather us all in and we know that we are not alone.  

Mnemoscat
Mnemoscat

The process matters; somewhere, someone will read your posts and know he or she isn't alone in the dark.  That's more than enough reason to share them, and it's very brave of you to do so.  Being vulnerable is really, really hard. 

SerenityLeith
SerenityLeith

Women have said you're not dateable anymore? Shame on them. They'd be losing out on meeting a fantastic guy.

NateReed
NateReed

Dan - I have to say again that you are a real inspiration to me personally.  Even with all of the self-doubt and stress that you were most likely experiencing, you never wavered in your biggest responsibility - being a good dad.

There was a time when I allowed my own darkness to consume me to the point where my relationship with my son suffered.  Somehow, seeing how much you obviously relished your role as a father, despite your personal struggles, challenged me to pick myself up and be a better dad.  Bit by bit I am recovering the joy in my life. There are still struggles, but seeing the smile on his little face when we are together makes things bearable.

Kudos to you for being such a stellar example.  You are most definitely not alone.  Just be yourself and the relationships that matter will flourish.

AaronRyan
AaronRyan

Each person who has had to come out of whatever closet they were in knows the terror, self loathing and all those other feelings you have. Fear not friend, we're not going anywhere.

Gardenlobster
Gardenlobster

Dan, I can honestly say your journey hits very close to home. While I still hesitate to post publicly on Facebook, I wanted to share with you the perspective of a wife who believed her husband was gay.  Long story short, my husband came out as bisexual in 2008.  It shattered my world.  I believed his true desire was his attraction to men.  I believed his devastation and breakdown after his 4-yr relationship with his ex was an attempt to be anything but straight.  I believed his rush to fall in love with and marry me was to prove he was anything but straight.  It's a gray area, a spectrum of sexuality, if you will.  We made many mistakes and yes, I cheated on him in an effort to find comfort with someone who was absolutely straight.  But, in the last 4 years, our willingness to work through the misconceptions and the betrayal, I have learned a few things I think your female readers should know. OK, 10 things in particular:

1. Bisexual is just that - it means there is an attraction to both genders, and a bisexual person can choose to date one or the other.

2. Bisexual does not mean polyamorous.  While a few may have a selfish entitlement to insist on a spot to date one of each, the great majority will choose to be with one long-term partner at a time.  It does not mean your partner will cheat on you with the opposite sex (oh, we tried the open marriage thing - it works in the short term, but is not sustainable emotionally).  It does not mean your partner will wait for the perfect same-sex partner to come along so they can leave you.

3. Bisexual men are more emotional and looking for relationships, not sex. 

4. Bisexuals and homosexuals can be just as Christian as heterosexuals.  Ever lied? Ever used profanity? Ever fudged your taxes?  Ever had sex before marriage?  You're just as guilty - yes, we are to turn away from sin, but let he who has no sin cast the first stone.

5. Bisexual men make excellent husbands.  Once we let go and let God, it all fell into place. He isn't into sports so I never have to put up with losing his attention to the TV.  He isn't overly competitive.  He listens. He's more open to express his feelings. He's not going to cheat on me. He isn't aggressive in any way - in fact, he's more compassionate and diplomatic than anyone I've ever met.  He's attentive and loves with his whole heart.

6. Bisexual men make excellent parents.  He can relate to both my son and my daughter on sensitive topics. He is loving and less easily angered. It hardly needs to be said, but just because someone is attracted to another adult of the same gender does not mean they are a pervert.

7. You CAN make it work, but you have to stop assuming the worst.  Do not assume anything.

8. People are people.  Although I hesitate to post publicly, it's not out of shame, it's more out of the fact that it's not really anyone's business, because we're married.  Sure, he came out to friends and family, but that is only in the event that if I left, they would know why, or if anything ever happened to me, why he might someday date a man.  It doesn't change the fact that we are married and committed to each other.

9. It doesn't make a big difference in the bedroom.  Your partner may be willing to do other things or ask to experiment, which can actually increase the emotional intimacy as you explore wants, needs, and desires, and it can be a lot of fun and a way to spice it up!  But 8 times out of 10, it's missionary in our case.

10. What you do or don't do in the bedroom is no one else's business, so it really doesn't matter, but coming out is important.  I didn't realize you had gone through so much, encountered so much negativity and hate.  These things hurt to the core and should not be uttered by anyone.  Making it known makes others look more closely at themselves and their prejudices. It makes them challenge their beliefs. Some respond in fear but others hear the message of God - love - and respond in support.  The most positive and loving response was not respect for the bravery, it was the people who said, "So?"  These are the people who know unconditional love and who you can honestly trust. It will make those relationships deeper.  Sometimes people need to be challenged - let God use you to do that.

I think that's what I was trying to say on your Facebook page when you came out, but I used too many words: "So?"  I just wanted you to know, I empathize, and believe you will find a person - whether male or female - who will love and respect you for the person you are and not a label. 

rsflanagan
rsflanagan

While I quite enjoy the light-hearted posts (who wouldn't love hearing all the silly things that come out of children?!), I look forward to the meatier posts in which you share more of yourself.  It is the insightful, thought provoking posts that keep me pondering a subject throughout the day . . . How can I show respect to a less-fortunate stranger?  What little change in my behavior would remind my husband that I love and respect him?  Am I focusing my energies on the people and tasks that are truly important to me?  

I look forward to reading the series of posts regarding your journey through the darkness.  I know it will be difficult; I cannot imagine publishing the journal entries I wrote during my deepest moments of despair.  Discussing a topic in the light will help others who are still journeying through the darkness.  

In is my sincere hope that the pain and fear you feel in sharing this journey will provide your readers -- those who are fortunate to have never traveled through a dark period -- a glimpse into the the despair and the road out.  I hope that your message will provide a reference that will help even one reader recognize the struggle of a loved one, and that this reader will offer loving support.

You share so much of yourself in your writing, Dan.  In reading these insights and genuine feelings we, the readers, become better people.  Know that your blog is making a positive impact in the world, creating good, and fostering love.

TrishaPulliam
TrishaPulliam

No matter what you post about this whole journey, I can promise you that you will still have my support.  I'm a straight woman, but I've dealt with pretty major depression throughout my life, so I can understand the darkness.  I am very glad that you seem to be feeling better about this whole thing and that the closed-minded bigots have mostly just sulked off instead of feeling the need to try to make life harder for you.

Supportive
Supportive

:)  I have dated bi men (but it's kind of awkward socially, sometimes, to be perfectly honest).  Not because I care what anyone thinks, but that sometimes people think that I'm dating a gay man, when he really isn't.  Just saying, you may want to be somewhat prepared for that reaction - and you might want to prepare a girlfriend for that, since usually it's her who winds up getting the really personal questions that are highly inappropriate from borderline strangers.  lol.  People are kind of amazing about what they feel comfortable asking you, when it comes to sexuality and what happens in the bedroom, if there is someone who isn't entirely straight involved.  Sigh.  Eventually, as people evolve, I'm sure that folks will realize that more of them have these feelings than perhaps they were admitting to.  It sure would be nice if you could just date the person and not the gender, right?  Just fall in love with the person who has the greatest personality, without worrying about what their gender says about you.  I wish that for you.  xoxo

BenjaminColeman
BenjaminColeman

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”

Amy C3
Amy C3

I'm sorry you felt such terrible pain.  I hope that the love you have received will help to heal your wounds and what scars remain will only serve to remind you that, despite the darkness, there will always be light.  Maybe sometimes just not where you were expecting it to shine?  Always try move toward the light & love and leave the darkness behind.  Every person on this earth deserves happiness, including you.  To anyone else stuck in the dark: know that you are not alone, seek out the like-minded and kind people who walk amongst us. <3

BradGoar
BradGoar

Dan, You are an amazing person…thank you for sharing your gift of words. You are so right, many of us have gone through this, have contemplated the worst and didn't know where to turn, You are our voice! My journey was many years ago and has an amazingly happy ending ( been with my partner for almost 18 years) but many have not been so lucky, so blessed. Many do not have the inner strength to make it through to the light. Your voice may help guide some, your light, may be a beacon to those who have all but given up. I honor you but do not wish to place an undue burden upon you. In short, I think your are FREAKIN' AWESOME!

KC
KC

Women who choose not to date bi men have that right, of course; but I think it's probably for the best, if they're ambivalent about it, or negative about it--you don't need to date people who cannot accept that in you, or in others, because what other quiet bigotry are they engaged in?  That's not the kind of people you'd care to associate with anyway.  You're better off if they self-select out of your dating pool.The drummer in my band, whom I met first as someone I was dating, is bi.  My current boyfriend?  Bi.  I knew this about them before the first date, and it wasn't any kind of deterrent to me.  I find it interesting (and hot, truth be told), and it's not a problem for me at all.  I like men; I can see why others would, too.  ;)  For every woman who won't date you because you're bi, there's another for whom it will not be an issue at all.

going4fit
going4fit

We can only appreciate the light when we've experienced the darkness ..... and thank you for sharing your journey of light and dark with all of us. Stay awesome!

rebekahbrowerjackson
rebekahbrowerjackson

I think this IS the best part of your blog. Sure, I love the Sunday pix, and the funny things Noah says and does, and the tongue in cheek ones about dating, but I follow you because you are not afraid to tackle the important things. I know it took you a while to be honest with yourself, and may feel that you were hiding something from us, but I think I can speak for many if not all of us when I say "YOU ARE THE SAME PERSON INSIDE AND OUT. WE DON'T READ YOUR BLOG BECAUSE YOU ARE STRAIGHT OR CHRISTIAN OR SINGLE OR A FATHER.  WE FOLLOW YOUR BLOG BECAUSE YOU ARE YOU TODAY, TOMORROW, AND FOREVER. JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN ON A JOURNEY IN YOUR HEART AND MIND DOESN'T MEAN WE DON'T LOVE THE YOU THAT YOU ARE TODAY (AND EACH DAY)  Forgive the caps, but I want to shout it loud enough that you can feel how serious I am.

johnjely
johnjely

We all look forward to sharing this journey with you, and we're honored you've chosen to let us do just that. Essentialist social pressures are so very difficult to face, and I'm beyond proud of you for being real to yourself and finally taking that step. For all those women who now see you as undatable, perhaps even those men who do, don't even pay attention to it. For so many other men and women like myself, so many others who have recognized that our life is full of social constructions and not pathological traits, you are perfect. Your sexuality is merely one aspect of yourself, and it is a beautiful one that complements the rest of you. Please remember that, both as you're sharing this with us and later on as you're facing more and more negativity (because it will inevitably happen). Best, Jessica.

Kate S
Kate S

Dan, you are an inspiration to so many people! I hope you can post about the darkness as well as the light. Your blog may be what stops someone else from giving up. Thank you for being you! <3

red angell
red angell

Sharing the journey is paramount I think. That darkness often more poignant in the light afterwards. I look forward to reading them; I love that your heart is open enough to share all that you have and do and will. I think you are one hell of a human being...and btw...I'd soooooo still date you! Hotness...

SherriHinkle
SherriHinkle

You are amazing. Please be happy,be yourself. You have much to give.

Sharon Hammill
Sharon Hammill

I think it's good to talk about the dark times. As the quote you posted three hours ago says, for some reason it's not OK to show that you're unhappy or complain about anything. So people hide these feelings, not realising that others are going through hard times and hiding it, too. Sometimes when you're going through a hard time, it's good to know that you aren't the only one, even if others can't do anything practical to help. Stuffing it all inside and acting like everything is fine just causes other problems and puts pressure on others to do the same.

MelanieG
MelanieG

Writing about the darkness just draws other people to you.  It allows those who are currently struggling with what you struggled through to know that they are not alone and that there is HOPE for them.  The darkness is just as useful as the light.  Embrace it.  It will place you in an even greater position of vulnerability but good things can come from that.  Many a times I have hit the "post" button as my heart is beating wildly and I'm wondering....."can I really do this?"  And then afterwards....."Oh my gosh....did I really just do that."  "Oh well".  All will be well Dan.  And you can help someone else in the process.

MelissaNelson
MelissaNelson

It's a long (and sometimes painful) journey. Know that you have many people who care and are there for you.

c_arsen
c_arsen

Thank you so much Dan. Thank you.

JasmynElliott
JasmynElliott

I'm just catching up on this week's posts and I must say, Dan: you are my hero. I admire, respect and adore you even more for being able to show your vulnerability and share your truth with us. With several friends who have come out to me over the years, I can imagine that doing so is a very emotionally taxing, all-around difficult process, but you were able to do so in a wonderfully candid and heroic way. You are most certainly going to help many others with your journey. I salute you, sir! Noah has one hell of a dad :-)

aphrael
aphrael

> I had convinced myself that coming-out might very well be the end of my relationship with many family members.That's the closet for you; that's the reaction it breeds. Hiding who you are just increases the paranoia and the fear.Which isn't to say that people don't lose relationships when they come out; they do, all of the time. But generally speaking the fear of that loss is worse than the loss itself.

> It’s as if I don’t want to admit just how dark getting to this point has been for me now that I’m receiving such a different response than I expected.

There's nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to worry about admitting. Every gay or bi person who has ever been in the closet, and every straight person who has loved a gay or person who has come out of the closet, understands. We have been there.

johnnycakes
johnnycakes

Do not fear the darkness my friend.  Without it, we would not know the light.  Use the lessons you learn, take away the gifts of experience and let it go.  The darkness did not beat you.  It made you stronger.  Now be the light in the darkness for someone else.  That is what the journey was about.

Anon
Anon

http://imgur.com/fPhWx

This pig has made my day on multiple occasions...it's the little things :)

Also just a note that may not even apply to how you're feeling BUT....Bravery can be a funny thing, I believe that most times people who are brave are afraid and unsure, but that's what makes them brave!

Too simple? I mean as I said, you probably already know this, you're older and wiser:P

You're brave and a really really good soul, and that's what matters in this world. We need more good souls! So thanks for being truly kind and truly funny and truly caring. 

MelissaFrenette
MelissaFrenette

Dan, we're there for you, in dark and funny moments. You are loved and supported by every one of us. It is all but normal to have gone through hell to get to the light, with society's pressure and thoughts of what is 'IDEAL' its incredibly hard to stop hiding behind a mask and be who with are destined to be. I cannot speak for everyone, but i am behind you and look forward to reading your blogs leading to this coming out journey. I will not leave as a fan, and i will not judge because as your brother says, your the same dan, and we love you just as much, and even more now for having the strenght to stand up and be strong and stop hiding..I'm sending a good squishy hug and please dont go hiding in a corner, because noah needs you, and your fans need you..

michesith
michesith

So proud of you. I know this is a difficult journey. I understand the fear, frustration, guilt, and hesitation that come along with it. Please share the darkest parts of your journey. They will help others in the same situation. I must say, though, I do find your lack of faith in your readers a little disheartening. Family? Sure. Friends? Yeah. But many of us have been with you through so much. We have laughed, cried, and been angered right with you and will continue, no matter what. There is more love in this world than you realize. :)

LesleyLooWho
LesleyLooWho

I encourage you to post your "dark" entries. You're not alone and so many people are going through one thing or another that leads them to a very dark place. They are not all about coming out but about so many things and even though I don't  know what you've written yet, you may end up encouraging and helping many others who feel on the edge and ways to come out better on the other side. Depression, Darkness, Loneliness  Fear..etc - so many people are suffering. Please don't be afraid to post them. I think many people NEED to see it to in order to not feel so alone out int this scary world!

maragayle
maragayle

I don't know if you get around to reading all of these posts. I'm sure there's not enough time, but I thought I could help put into perspective the "undatable" thing. I believe, for most women, that judgement comes from fear, not from the belief that you are less desirable. There's a fear there that, as a woman, she may not be able to offer you everything you seek from a relationship. While it may be an unfounded fear, as you know, fear has a great power. So, no matter how strong the bond, how amazing the relationship or how fantastic the time you spend together is, there would always be that question in the back of her mind..."am I enough for you?" 

 The right person is out there for you. It just takes a lot of time and effort to find them. However, without the suffering we all go through, there would be no true appreciation for those we love. Having been through some pretty terrible and traumatic relationships myself, I am thankful that I can now see how remarkable my husband is and how well he treats me. Sacrifice and hardship allow us to comprehend how tremendous happiness is. 

Mel Hart
Mel Hart

I'm still here for you, Dan. I understand completely what you are going through. I also understand your reasoning for hesitating on sharing the darker parts of your journey. But that's okay. If you don't want to share, you shouldn't feel pressure to do so. Share what YOU want to share. I'm sure the people who respect your personal feelings and space will understand if you choose not to share everything. Those who push are just looking for a story.

I'm with Sylvia. I don't understand why people are saying you are "undateable." You even said in Tuesday's post that you are still attracted to women, though you have realized that you are also attracted to men. Maybe it's their personal choices that make you undateable to them. Their loss. I hope and pray you can find inner peace and then find the right person--male or female--to spend your life with.

Sam D Maloney
Sam D Maloney

@Kirriam Unless you are gay [and lets be honest, here-- a bisexual in a same sex relationship is gay in the eyes of socitey] and have gone through the coming out process, it's probably impossible to really understand the emotional baggage that must be shed. 

Even young adults who wouldn't dream of saying 'nigger' [and I flinch, just to type it] use 'Gay' as a putdown. The stereotype of the lisping, effeminate gay man is everywhere, and those of us unfortunate enough to have grown up in orthodox/evangelical/traditionalist/catholic/conservative family carry this HUGE burden knowing that our families will hate us if they know our secret. They may not have said so, but gays have been the topic of so many hate filled sunday sermons and dinner table rants that we have every reason to assume that this is how it will be.

I'm short on time this morning or I could explain more fully, but just keep this statistic in mind: 7 out of 10 homeless youths in the US are LGBT because their parents have discarded them...

krisinluck
krisinluck

@Gardenlobster Thank you for posting this.  I just posted my experience as the woman in such a relationship, and I just saw this.  It's important for the world to know that it's not the end of the world.  Bless you.

SerenityLeith
SerenityLeith

@Gardenlobster that is awesome. Thank YOU for sharing. :)

Bruce Baker Rooks
Bruce Baker Rooks

@maragayle  - I don't think it is possible for any one person to be able to satisfy every need for their spouse.  I think when we expect that from ourselves or our spouse we set the relationship up for disappointment and failure.  However, hopefully, when we enter  a committed relationship, the person we commit ourselves to will be able to meet enough of our needs, and us theirs, and the mutual love and respect that we share, will outweigh those desires that cannot be met.  This is true whether one or both parties is straight, bi, or gay, and this is just not about sex.  There are many, many areas of a relationship and we are all complex human beings.  This is why I believe it is so important for spouses to have friends of their own.  Please don't misunderstand, I am not talking about having sexual partners on the side, I am talking about having friends.  You are absolutely correct, people are afraid.  They are afraid they won't be able to satisfy all of their partners sexual needs - and they can't, even if both partners are completely straight or gay.  But there are many, many bisexuals in very happy monogamous relationship.  Sorry I rambled, but I just feel we put too much pressure on ourselves and our spouses to be the end of all in all areas of our relationships and that just is not humanly possible.  

Gardenlobster
Gardenlobster

@krisinluck I read yours, too. I'm so sorry. We were lucky - we live in a world where people learn to be open and accepting of these things. I think, in the past, one had to choose this path or another, and there wasn't really a road in between.  I think for so long so many assumed they had to be one way or another as the societal rules dictated.  Luckily, we feel empowered enough to pave our own way.  

Dan's story isn't unique, and it doesn't change the person I have come to know him to be through his writings.  It also confirms a few suspicions. But it also is a personal journey and I feel honored to hear him out.  He's gone through a lot of misconceptions, judgmental family & friends, and pretending to be someone he's not.  I just hope he remembers -  he doesn't have to be gay to have effeminate mannerisms and he doesn't have to be bi to be "just straight enough" either.  I truly hope he finds himself, and I'm honored that he's opened up this part of his life as a fishbowl.  But I'll say it again, more than anything else, it's not really any of my business - I just love the way he writes.

krisinluck
krisinluck

@Gardenlobster It taught me, early on in my life, that Born This Way isn't just a song by Lady Gaga.  It's just truth.  I have raised my children with that truth as well. That is the silver lining.  

And Dan is still Dan, still thoughtful and funny and inspiring in my world as well.  That's why I'm here!