I honestly don’t know what to say. I didn’t in a hundred years expect such an outpouring of love and kind wishes after coming-out to you all on Tuesday.
After 21 years of ever-building fear, I had convinced myself that coming-out might very well be the end of my relationship with many family members, my blog, and many friendships.
I have much to say about it all. Beautiful stories to share. Poignant lessons learned.
It’s amazing the difference a few hours can make. It’s amazing how quickly one’s biggest fears can all but vanish into the love and light that replaces them.
But before the love and before the light there was very real darkness.
I started writing that coming-out post five months ago. I started writing it after some extremely difficult moments in my own existence. I started writing it in desperation, not bravery. I started writing it after I very seriously came close to taking my own life over it.
In those five months, I also wrote five other very heavy posts which I plan to share next.
The first post is the darkest. It’s called “Over the Edge,” and sharing that will be as hard or harder than sharing the last one. In it, I share my worst and darkest moment in this journey (in which I almost took my own life) as well as the moment when I finally submitted to the truth. I didn’t intend to share this or write it. It just came out while I was attempting to write something else, and I left it as is. It’s the one post of them all that I haven’t touched or edited for fear of not being able to share it at all.
The second post is called “Stoned to Death” and was something I wrote the day after I penned “Over the Edge.” I wrote it while I was angry and frustrated with the society and pressure that had pushed me to that point and I didn’t tiptoe around the tulips with it.
The third post is called “My journey. My story. My heart.” In this post I attempted to discuss many of the personal dynamics that went on in-between my moment in front of the mirror and coming out to you all.
The fourth post is called “The Girl Who Couldn’t Love Me.” I have learned that love and dating as a bisexual is not without its more painful dynamics (as is evidenced by how many women are saying they’re bummed in the comments that I’m not datable anymore). This was a post that attempts to explore a little bit of that.
And finally, I wrote a post called “And then I heard it.” It talks about coming out to my brother/best friend before coming out to the world, which was by far one of the hardest and most important moments in all of this. I may post this one first or last. I’m not sure.
Why I’m telling you about these posts ahead of time, I don’t know.
I think there are two reasons.