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I’m so excited that tomorrow morning I will be sharing the last of the six posts that I wrote during the dark weeks and months leading up to coming out.
I’m not excited for the post itself. It’s a difficult look at my fears about dating as someone who is something other than straight. I am excited that when the post is over I get to focus on so much more of the wonderful things that have happened since I came out last Tuesday. I get to put a lot more funny into my blog. And, I get to officially move forward into the future.
This past week has been tough for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I wrote these six posts some time ago, and I feel like the present was out of line with the past. It has been difficult knowing that you all are reading things written at a time (albeit recent) when my heart and soul were so much more burdened than they are now. They were written at a time when I saw no silver lining to the storm I was certain was coming. They were written at a time when I was absolutely certain that my truth really would be the end of me.
I was very much a different person when I wrote that first post than I was when I finally found the courage to publish it. And even in just the 8 days since I posted it, things have changed for me by leaps and bounds.
I remember the morning after I posted it, I woke up, looked up at my ceiling and smiled. I felt perfectly happy for the first time in my life. I was authentically happy. I think I honestly loved myself for the first time, ever. And as someone who has struggled to love himself his entire life, that was the most amazing feeling.
The next night my best friends threw me a little coming-out party. I remember walking into the room just feeling like the world couldn’t beat me. Concerned that I was having a hard time, one of my friends asked me how I was doing with everything. I just smiled and said, “for the first time in my life, I don’t give a crap what anybody thinks about me.” And I meant it. And as someone who has struggled trying to be accepted by others his entire life, that was the most fantastic feeling.
And while I plan to write some of the stories of the amazing love that have been shown to me, just know that as far as I know I haven’t lost a single person that I really feared losing. In fact, some of the people that I feared losing most have been the most incredible of all. I’ve gotten dear friends back that I had lost. I have even grown closer in some ways to my parents on this trip to Canada that we’re all on (I’ve shared about the trip over on my personal Facebook page).
And, I just feel loved.
As for all of you, I owe you so much. There has been an unending barrage of love and support coming from you. Even in my darkest thoughts you have rallied around me to lift me above them. I don’t know if you will ever know what you have done for me.
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