Jump to page: 1 2
Haha. Do I attempt to share another ridiculous repost (from the *really* early days of SDL) after yesterday’s backfired on me with some of the people who never made it to page two?
Why not. I’m often a glutton for punishment. And I have faith that those who survived yesterday can take a little more of my ridiculousness in stride.
Anyways…
There is a club that very few people make it into, and it’s called the Divorce Club.
The club is elite. It discriminates against good people. It discriminates against functional people. Worst of all, it discriminates against people who actually eat prepared meals. And I’m snobbish enough to tout that I’m a member.
The numbers are daunting. Only 50% of men and women who have been married once will ever make it in. Thankfully they make it a tad easier on those who have been married again by accepting fractionally higher at 99% of second marriages and 99.5% of third marriages.
If you are lucky enough to be in those small percentages, welcome to the Divorce Club. I could get in big trouble for telling you how it goes down in the Divorce Club, but I feel everyone deserves to know if they are even thinking about making themselves eligible for membership. Because, if you knew just what we have to do as members, and just what kind of hazing and other welcoming tactics you have to live through, you may just think twice about ending your marriage just to get in.
And with that precursor, allow me to present you with:
TEN RULES OF DIVORCE CLUB MEMBERSHIP
RULE #1: You may not ever, under any circumstances, admit that any part of your divorce was your fault. Did you have an affair? It’s because he was abusive and pushed you into it. Did you have a serious temper? She’s just spreading crap that isn’t true because she’s mad that her plastic surgery didn’t work out. Did you have an obsession with tattooed penguins that drove a serious wedge in your relationship? It was nothing compared to his obsession with two-headed hedgehogs doing circus tricks. Remember, always their fault, never yours.
RULE #2: You must constantly declare that you’re happier than you’ve ever been. You will be tempted to cry sometimes. Fine, whatever, but do it alone and behind closed doors. Nobody must ever think you’re sad or depressed about it. You’re bigger and better than anything good you ever had in that stupid marriage.
RULE #3: You must always seek out other divorcees and tell them how their situation could have been worse by comparing it to your own. This will give comfort to them in this time of their lives when they’re happier than they ever have been. Be sure to keep rule #1 and rule #2 here.
RULE #4: If it was your first divorce, you must immediately jump into a relationship with an unstable and unpredictable, yet sexy mate. Excess baggage is a serious must. In fact, that excess baggage is the only way you can possibly get the sexy mate requirement fulfilled because no sane hot person without baggage is going to have anything to do with you. Get used to it.
RULE #5: Once in this relationship, you must propose marriage within two weeks, and you must be married the following week. No exceptions. Failure to do so will bar you from the club. Don’t be too worried though. The Divorce Club only has a 0.005% failure rate with members being able to keep this rule.
- 1 2
I literally LOL'd many times reading this .... trying to stay out of the club myself. :P
What is really really funny about this is when I met my now sort of fiance, he actually jokingly was in the Divorce Club. He has been divorced 3 times and spent the entire first date cracking me up with his tales of heartbreak and horrible marriage stories. Now that we are going on three years together I know full well why he really got divorced 3 times, but the stories are still really funny. I don't know if we will ever get married or remain in the engaged state forever because frankly he has issues, but we have both been squarely pegged in the Divorce Club together and we laugh about it all the time.
Hilarious! I miss these posts.
My ex did number 4 with the woman he cheated on me with and did number five in almost the amount of time with the same woman. our divorse was final in february he remarried in july. As far as everything else - i took to much blame in the divorse and my parents still hold it over me and well all the other rules get both followed and accomplished to a certain extent. lol but rather funny post i might add :)
Omg.....I did it all wrong then...
Since I've been divorced, people have assumed I have the plague. In attempt to cover the seemingly contagious shame, I deactivated my FB account altogether. Thus, leaving me without your frequently witty posts. However, I somehow still stumble upon them most randomly and can't help but literally laugh out loud so much. It's the most enjoyable 'sigh of relief' remembering what it feels like to laugh, after much strife of always needing to be so "tough." I wish I knew people like you in real life. :)
Wait, so going back and reading EVERY POST YOU HAVE EVER PUBLISHED is not normal? I guess I am strange. I love being strange. No, really, I LOVE BEING ME!!!!
I loved the repost yesterday, because I knew that the OP was right after you and your wife split, and I was scandalized, and horrified in that I-must-keep-reading sort of way when I first read it, and then, page two, your stylist! I needed the laugh that day, and yesterday, I enjoyed the fond memory, and the reread. Thanks Dan!
My husband and I are both on our second marriage...what does THAT do to the odds?! :)
Hahahahahahahahaha, a few schnortles in there too.... admittedly have been divorced so long I can forget that I was ever married... but by golly.. I think back in those days.... I certainly broke a few of these rules... oh dearl life, this is FUNNY.....
Love this one-I am divorced x2 and everyone is scared every time I talk about a man!!!!love your posts--you get it!!!!
LMAO That is so freaking true!!
I almost made it! Just never got to the actual marriage part. Oh well, still plenty of time.
This is great. Never going near a divorced person again :p
LOL. Still wishing to be a member... but u know what? My husband IS abusive and he IS a gay. (And I still think about skipping the rule Nr.6.) ;)
I can relate to a lot of those rules. My rule would be to try not to think of all the years wasted with your ex but the years that you were learning a lesson. 14 years to be exact for me. lol!
LOL! I'm not a member, you broke rule #10. It's a club I have no desire to be part of, which would explain why I'm not married either. Love the old posts!
#4- been there, done that and have a beautiful 13 year old because of it, which is far more of a commitment than #5 could ever be.
I broke all but two of these rules. Do I have to get re-married to apply again? Or am I exempt for life now?
Currently going through my second. I DIED reading this list! Hilarious!!!
I have several friends, also members, who never went to any kind of therapy. I started mine (plus step work in Al-Anon due to my ex's drinking) before I left the marriage. Am I alone in that I had a fear to the point of near panic at the label that "D" word would mean for me? But alas, the marriage was not saveable. I do believe if I marry again that I'll be more aware of what my part is, both in the good and the bad.
If I go on a date and he bags on his exes that is a big fat red flag. I've told men before, hey I am having a great time but, I don't want to be your shoulder to cry on I want to be your date. That's what we pay therapists for :-)
@JeanetteSmithLamb Not just that... but imagine if things don't work out... you'll just be added to the list of peopleh e's talking shit about. THAT is the main reason someone bagging on his ex's is a big no no for me LOL
@Rhonda: I left most of what little "stuff" we had for him to keep too. It was my price for freedom and I've since replaced everything I left behind with new stuff.
I know people like that, LOL. Whenever anyone starts trashing an ex, I always take it with at least a grain of salt. I think some people just aren't meant to be married - either long term or sometimes at all. But society has indoctrinated so many that you're not complete as a person unless you're at least a spouse, and preferably a parent. There are religions that indoctrinate people that the very reason they exist is to get married and have kids. If you don't fit that mold, it's hard to feel like you have to keep trying to squash yourself into it.
Thanks Dan, I needed the reminder.
#4, I absolutely did number 4. How embarrassing!
LOL!! Except i am REALLY HAPPY to be alone, and I know that I'm the crazy one that no one can love. I know it. And i'm cool with it. REALLY. I don't want any more verbal or physical abuse because someone else can't handle being with me -- is that such a bad thing? I don't think so.
LOL Although, I really only did 1-3. However my ex must be the club president by now. He's done #4 & #5 TWICE in the 1 YEAR since we split.
get yelled at for not telling the horrible truth about said ex....
True stuff too! My life is WAY better and more exciting ( while I cry myself to sleep because I'm traveling to exotic ports all alone ) But I could not have ever written it better! Thanks!
Too funny!
I have indeed read this one before. I love it haha.
#11, immediately have sex with your Ex's hottest close friend (the one she is most threatened by). its a good ace in the hole to casually mention at an appropriate time.
We were separated for several years before finally getting divorced. Thing is we both know where the fault in the failed marriage lies, within both of us. We loved each other, but we were not a good fit. We were too busy walking on the proverbial eggshells around each other to fix our issues. We have a good relationship now, as well maybe not friends, but as two people who respect each other. This is important due to the fact that we will always be tied together by the bond of parenthood. I am not in a relationship nor am I dating. I am very happy and busy...going to art and literary events through out town. Though sometimes I do miss sharing the beauty of the world around me with another in an intimate moment.
This one I hadn't read before, but I had read yesterday's before and totally related! You are much too funny!
Lol!! This is great~
I'm guilty of some of the club rules, but some other trends I've noticed:
Start collecting cats and other various animals... Begin to know bill collectors by first name... Get twice as many piercings and tattoos that your former spouse wouldn't allow you to get while married... Instantly update relationship status to "single" on FB... become "cultured," as surely it was your former spouses fault that you weren't before... buy something two sizes too small in the bust, and something short enough for everyone to know the color of your panties... and finally, if money was the main rift in your marriage, make sure to indulge on ridiculously overpriced vehicles, road trips, concerts, endless nights of wining and dining as many members of the opposite sex (or same sex per your preference), and then feel free to complain about having to make child support payments...
I can relate, I am guilty of the collecting animal thing, i have two cats and a dog, lol and I went out and got tattoos after my marriage fell apart AND I updated my status on fb to single, lmfao.
My mom and dad are both on their way to that club. As soon as their divorce is final I can see them duking it out for President.
i never claimed everything was my ex's fault. we both screwed up. Guess I wont be welcome in the club then. Also, I never actually got divorced because my husband passed away before we could get divorced.
#6 is kinda ironic dont ya think?
lol
New member to the club here! Happy to see that I am not alone in the absolute insanity ;)
Dammit, I've managed to break EVERY DANG RULE! Both times. heh ;)
Oh boy more chuckles from SDL
it's a crazy club, who knew we'd end up here...
Cracked me up! I did find myself at a Christmas party this year adamantly insisting that my life is WAY BETTER THAN IT EVER WAS BEFORE! And the funny thing is it is a lot better now and I am having a ton o' fun. Maybe I didn't need to defend it's greatness for five minutes though... Thanks for all your posts! :)
Not a member and not planning to be, but thanks for sharing the rules. Filing it away for "just in case". :-)
Rule #11- Act as though your feelings for your ex, who is now also member of the Divorce Club, are completely neutral- despite the fact that you miss/want to kill them.
i think i'm going to have to break most of those rules. my ex is a nice guy and it just didn't work out. we are still friends. I'm not dating and it is a year since we separated and a 6 months final. I decided to wait a year to really date because I need time to know myself and find out who I am before I can be happy with another person. While I won't rule out another relationship/marriage, I think it unlikely.