Haha. Do I attempt to share another ridiculous repost (from the *really* early days of SDL) after yesterday’s backfired on me with some of the people who never made it to page two?
Why not. I’m often a glutton for punishment. And I have faith that those who survived yesterday can take a little more of my ridiculousness in stride.
There is a club that very few people make it into, and it’s called the Divorce Club.
The club is elite. It discriminates against good people. It discriminates against functional people. Worst of all, it discriminates against people who actually eat prepared meals. And I’m snobbish enough to tout that I’m a member.
The numbers are daunting. Only 50% of men and women who have been married once will ever make it in. Thankfully they make it a tad easier on those who have been married again by accepting fractionally higher at 99% of second marriages and 99.5% of third marriages.
If you are lucky enough to be in those small percentages, welcome to the Divorce Club. I could get in big trouble for telling you how it goes down in the Divorce Club, but I feel everyone deserves to know if they are even thinking about making themselves eligible for membership. Because, if you knew just what we have to do as members, and just what kind of hazing and other welcoming tactics you have to live through, you may just think twice about ending your marriage just to get in.
And with that precursor, allow me to present you with:
TEN RULES OF DIVORCE CLUB MEMBERSHIP
RULE #1: You may not ever, under any circumstances, admit that any part of your divorce was your fault. Did you have an affair? It’s because he was abusive and pushed you into it. Did you have a serious temper? She’s just spreading crap that isn’t true because she’s mad that her plastic surgery didn’t work out. Did you have an obsession with tattooed penguins that drove a serious wedge in your relationship? It was nothing compared to his obsession with two-headed hedgehogs doing circus tricks. Remember, always their fault, never yours.
RULE #2: You must constantly declare that you’re happier than you’ve ever been. You will be tempted to cry sometimes. Fine, whatever, but do it alone and behind closed doors. Nobody must ever think you’re sad or depressed about it. You’re bigger and better than anything good you ever had in that stupid marriage.
RULE #3: You must always seek out other divorcees and tell them how their situation could have been worse by comparing it to your own. This will give comfort to them in this time of their lives when they’re happier than they ever have been. Be sure to keep rule #1 and rule #2 here.
RULE #4: If it was your first divorce, you must immediately jump into a relationship with an unstable and unpredictable, yet sexy mate. Excess baggage is a serious must. In fact, that excess baggage is the only way you can possibly get the sexy mate requirement fulfilled because no sane hot person without baggage is going to have anything to do with you. Get used to it.
RULE #5: Once in this relationship, you must propose marriage within two weeks, and you must be married the following week. No exceptions. Failure to do so will bar you from the club. Don’t be too worried though. The Divorce Club only has a 0.005% failure rate with members being able to keep this rule.