I am heading into 2013 at my life’s absolute happiest. And I don’t say that lightly.
Usually I write a blog post for New Years that tells how incredible the next year already was. It’s my way of positively thinking about the future. But this year, I’m honestly so liberated and content with life that I mostly just want to say how thankful I am for it.
And instead of the usual New Years post, I thought I’d instead share a list of the things I had to do before I could actually be happy in my life.
This list is personal to me, but I hope that you can look at these and compare them to different yet similar dynamics in your own life and hopefully ask yourself a few (possibly tough) questions.
This got way longer than I anticipated (hey, it’s 32 years in the making!), so I’ve set it up differently today. Each item on the list has a summary paragraph that is showing, and a longer introspective section that is hidden until you click the “expand to read more” link. You can expand some or all of them to read my additional thoughts, confessions, and feelings about each of the points on this list. I hope that makes sense.
Anyway…
11 Things I HAD to Do Before
I Could Finally Be Happy
1) I had to stop fearing truth.
Truth is not the same for every person. We all were born into lives that presented us with different truths. We all were taught what we should and shouldn’t question. To be truly happy, we must stop fearing that the quest for truth might take us to a truth that is different than what we have always known. Fear and happiness simply can’t exist together. (⇕ expand to read more.)
2) I had to leave behind an old truth and replace it with a new one.
Kind of. Even though I came to believe that the truth I was born with wasn’t true, I still study and search and learn on a daily basis. And it seems the more I search, the more I realize I don’t know. I also become increasingly satisfied every day knowing that I don’t have the answers for everything, I’ll never have the answers for many things, and I don’t need all the answers to be happy or to live a good and happy life. (⇕ expand to read more.)
3) I had to make a big part of my life about others.
I spent so many years believing that more success and more money could bury whatever problems the world threw in my path. I believed that “things” could bring me happiness and security. But money and success and possessions never brought me lasting happiness, and they didn’t bring me security or get rid of my problems either.
It was only when I believed that I owed the world something and the world didn’t owe me anything that I was able to stack all the other building blocks of happiness in place. (⇕ expand to read more.)
4) I had to confront all of my biggest demons.
We all have had or still have skeletons in our closets. We all have done really crappy things. I have. You have. Mother Teresa did. Abraham Lincoln did. The best people you know do. There is no human on Earth who hasn’t made big mistakes .
And if I’ve learned anything, it’s that I will never be completely and authentically happy until I face each of my demons and find a way to put them behind me. (⇕ expand to read more.)
Most of these rang true for me, particularly numbers 4, 5, and 7. I need to do those things now in order to move forward with my life.
thanks for sharing!
This is really important, thank you for sharing! I think this all rang true for me, but for different reasons than you listed.
I got a new name for you....(drumroll)...DemonSlayer!! Yeah, catchy, I know! Hope you like it!
All of those things make us more content with our lives, but I find that the only way for me to be happy is to decide to be happy. I try to do that, every day. Happy Kathleen
Wow, I am guessing you have no clue how much this list reflects 12 step programs. Having started in one exactly a year ago today, these are exactly the things I have learned in the last year and I am a much better and happier person for it.
I needed this list today, Dan ~ thanks. I'm happy that you found your happy!
Thank you!
"Weakness or doubt equaled concern and so often heavy pressure. To move away from the path that kept me admired and respected was among the hardest things I’d ever done."
"So many of us give others way too much control over our lives. We don’t do things we really want to do because of what others might say."
I needed to read this! :)
I have to admit, I don't read everything you do, but when I do I'm always glad I read it. This post has me thinking a lot about my life, and while I have so much to be thankful for and I should be happy, I realize that I am not. Lately I've thought more and more about just chucking it all and trying to start over, but being the only breadwinner in the house makes that a difficult decision.
I love my family and being able to give them a comfortable life, but more and more often it's at my own expense. I've been saying that I love what I do and I am realizing that I say it only to try and convince myself that it's true since I believe it's what I must do for my family.
So you got me with #11. I have trouble remembering that quite often. Since I had my daughter 6 years ago she has been the center of my world. I've gotten better about giving energy to my husband, but that was a learning curve. Who I haven't given any energy to is me. Between family, house and job I don't give anything back to myself and I've been struggling to do that for years.
What I really want to do is start over and not only be kinder to myself but incorporate #3. The older I get the more I realize you're right - we all need to take care of each other. While my friends will tell you I'm great at doing that, I often wonder who they see when they look at me. I don't feel like I do anything much that helps them...but I want to. And I want to help other people who I haven't spent years getting to know. But first I'm going to have to help me.
And apparently I need help because I can't stop crying as I write all this down - and I don't cry easily. So thank you for helping me to see what I've been refusing to acknowledge. The first step is always the hardest.
Wow! Thank you!! I am SO glad someone shared this on fb and I had the opportunity to read it. I'm sharing it, too!
Yup. Hit the nail right on the head here. I've really enjoyed your writing so far, but this is definitely your best yet. Those are the major epiphanies I found in the past few months. I felt like you could have pulled all of this out of my head. Pretty neat indeed. I've been living happy for a little while now and it is freaking AMAZING! That bit about thin skin was spot on. I've developed a very thick skin over the years, due to the nature of my industry, but I still bruised underneath it. Not anymore. I like to think of it as "considering the source". Something about throwing stones in glass houses and such...lol. Thanks again for yet another fantastic installment of your blog. Keep it up, I've found that for every person that says something nasty, there are at least 10 that say something nice. The nay-sayers usually talk a hell of a lot louder than the rest of us.
-Michael Margrave
I had to stop helping everyone else and start being okay with helping myself.
I love your work and your honesty...you have inspired me to be a better person. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us.
This post resonated with me on many levels....particularly your thoughts about finding the balance between caring for ourselves and extending ourselves to others. I don't think it is accidental that we are encouraged/invited/instructed to "love your neighbor as yourself," the implication being, I believe, that if I am unable to love myself, truly and with compassion for all of my flaws and strivings, then I can never genuinely love another.
Thanks for a thought-provoking beginning to 2013. Blessings and peace to you...
Perfect.
You only forgot one major part of happiness... ice cream. :)
LOLs @ butt piercings. They would make a neat story, no doubt. :p Alas, I am still rather out of sorts and try as hard as I might to get it all resolved so I can stop a minute and take some overall stock of where I've been , it's like... if one took pictures of it as everything that blew up is still falling to the ground. Some pictures you stare at longer than others before you let them fall. I can do better than that. I'm just so tired. Was a long year and so much has changed. Maybe I can contribute better to that conversation when I’m more at a place of having overcome things than I am right now.
But this made me smile and laugh. So did watching my son put on like...five lil swimmers on top of his diaper while I read it. Just..whaaat?? You’re absolutely right. If you can’t find the humor in things and laugh… often even…how does one get through a day?? Laughter is required!
Aaaanyways. I liked what you said about having a thick skin and when not to. That's absolutely correct, I think. We should be accessible to those we want and need to keep close. And more importantly, understanding that some come and some go is part of the normal flux. You are who you are and we’re all works in progress. We flex and move..change when we need to. But no one could really say they didn’t see it coming with you. You’re very open and giving of yourself. Very sincere with your words.
Lastly, I very much liked what you said about making your life your own. In this world of disposable relationships, you absolutely must be able to look on admiration with what you have done. What you’ve achieved. Celebrate the success and learn from the mistakes WITHOUT beating yourself silly. Mistakes happen! They’re supposed to. It only becomes a failure when you dwell too long or learn nothing. Happy new year!!!
Holy smokes, Dan! AWESOMELY AMAZING POST.PERIOD.
Dan,
I am so thankful that your blog popped up on my radar. Not really sure HOW, but sometimes the things that are meant to be just ARE. The daily emails I receive from SDL always put a smile on my face. I excitedly open the email and share your day with you...funny, introspective, sad, amazing...NORMAL. Thanks for doing what you do, the naysayers are meaningless...those of us out here that look forward to you every day are thankful that you are being the best YOU that you can be. Keep up the amazing work!!
~Anna :)
Dan,
I loved the heartfelt introspection. I, too, have been on a journey to happiness. And I can honestly say that I am at my happiest that I can ever remember being. Everything in my life is not perfect, but I can truly say that I am happy because I have also dealt with a lot of my own demons. There was a lot in your post that I identified with, but I think the part that rang the most true was finding my own truth and living MY life, not someone else's version of it.
Thank you for being brave and following your own path to truth. You are truly a good person.
Trish
Dan, you area very wise young man!
I had to accept the fact that God loves me inspite of me. Nothing surprises him and he loves me anyway. I'm not supposed to live life sad, full of worry and hiding in fear. I'm supposed to smile, be joyful and spin when I feel the urge! Be Blessed!
@airdale God loves you for you are. He does not love you despite you, nor does he love you anyway.
Think of the Moses story when God reveals his name, "I am the one who is." And the one "who is" loves who "you are." Simply. Unconditionally. Revel in the thought!
Dan I just started reading your blog! I find your stories to be very insightful and refreshing. This article really hit home. I have finally decided that I needed to quit making everyone else happy, and focus on myself. Once I figured it out, I have been A LOT HAPPIER! Still have more demons to face, but I'm getting there
Love it, as always. I really relate to the thin skin part. I find it so hard to not care, to not get hurt. I bounce back a LOT faster than I used to, but it still hits me too hard. I know it intellectually, but any tips on letting those verbal or energetic bites from who really don't matter personally to roll off would be ever so appreciated!
I had to do a lot of work on the role I let guilt play in my life. Now, it doesn't have a role. I am forgiven and not perfect, but I refuse to let guilt and fear paralyze me any longer. Happy 2013, Dan.
Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.
#2, still in progress. It's sad and funny, I can always tell by the way a person writes when they are talking about the church. So many of us in similar plights.
I had to get honest, sober up and get therapy. It worked!
btw i'm very happy for you. coming out in itself feels like a lot of weight and worry being lifted off.
i've recently started reading your blog and i'm very glad for the opportunity to continue reading soul baring honesty from you in each blog post. there's a great deal that i relate to in your blogs especially your critical self introspection. i'm look forward to reading more on how your life continues to evolve.
It always warms my heart to read or hear about people who are truly happy. Congratulations!
I spent a better part of 12 years trying to please others. Only to wake up and realize that in doing so, I was unhappy and totally alone in a marriage. I made the decision to accept that I tried my best and to walk away I have achieved peace within myself finally and can truly say my soul is finally smiling ;)
Laughing & laughing....thx my friend..
Funny you should ask. I had to give up the reciprocity part of the golden rule. I mean, it is merely implied, but after 20 yrs of marriage I finally just realized that it was crap. That doesn't mean I abandoned the golden rule, because I didn't, but it is now about Agape, Unconditional love. No more reciprocity tien into it
2012 was a major year for me, when it comes to learning happiness. I received a difficult medical diagnosis in May that knocked the wind out of me for a bit, but once I caught my breath I realized how messed up my priorities have been for so many years. Although my dx isn't a terminal one, it is a chronically degenerative one that could leave me wheelchair bound or even blind at some point in the future, so I am adamant now that I will put every good second I have to good use. Less stress and fear, more love and joy. Less worrying about what others think of me, more being true to who I am. Less time spent focused on superficial things, more time focused on family and friends and things that bring joy to my soul (Music, good books, laughter, nature, my personal faith) It's sad that I had to get "sick" to figure this stuff out, but I am so thankful I did! Here's to a beautiful, happy 2013 for us all!
I've always been taught to worry about others first, take care of their happiness, that it's selfish to always think about myself. And as good and great as that is, it is impossible to do when I myself am not happy. So to an extent, I've decided that before I worry about the shape others are in, I need to take care of myself. I can't truly help people and be real with them if I am miserable and unsure of who I am. I love people and I want to help them, but first and foremost, I need to make sure I'm in a place that makes me capable of giving all of myself.
I had to work real hard continue living with my battle with Parkinson's. There's nothing worse than battling a progressive disorder and learning to do things all over again. I am working and in school and will soon have my Bachelors Degree. The woman pictured with me is a famous singer whose positive influence has helped me to fight for my dreams.
I am a single Dad of three boys all 10 and under. I became truly happy when I stopped worrying about my happiness and focused more on my son's happiness. I also stopped caring what other people think about me or how I do things. I stopped trying to please everyone and narrowed it down to just me and my boys. Life has been so much better since.
I've learned to not let others opinions of my life, my profession, my future alter what I really want and need. I have to take care of me!
I had to learn that unhealthiness has no place in my life; toxic familial relationships had to come to an end for me to be happy.
Thank you so much for everything you share with us. We can all learn so much from your willingness to be happy, to teach, to learn and to love. It's true that everyone has demons, and anyone who wants to grow in their lives must face those demons. And once they have grown enough to face those demons, they look back and wish they had done it earlier. Thanks for showing us how amazing life can be!
I mean, :), of course!
love this!
The last one, especially. My life is my life, and if it's not as amazing as I want it to be, it's mine to fix. Mine to enjoy, mine to savor, and my joy and my responsibility. Working really hard on this one. Cheers to you and your family in the new year, Dan. I'm so glad I found you ?)
Similar truths I have had to learn. I am who I am take me or leave me. But I am good enough just as I am
this is an amazingly refreshing read. Thank you for your honesty and insight. This is what living is all about and we all hopefully will come to these realizations in our own good time. It's nice to read and relate to your experience. I am starting to see some of these truths revealed in my own life and I hope to make some positive changes.
I had to learn how to let someone love me.
i have overcome the fear that i am unlovable and scared of losing ppl i love , i was in foster care and booted around alot , finally found a man that loves me for all my idiocyncracys and loves me no matter what and vica versa
Great post! I don't always get the time to read your posts, but every time I do I leave wanting more. I think I shall make it a habit to read every day. You're so inspiring! I'm glad I stumbled upon your site. :-)
All I can say is, Dan, I am doing some housecleaning myself. Some resorting of my life and my priorities. I am not dealing with the huge issues that you have conquered recently. But I have done some of the things on your list--accepting myself, and claiming my life as my own. I have realized that my life is not all about what I do for others. And I, too, am happier for it. I am glad you are, too.
Thanks