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I have come to learn something since coming out.
The world is a more beautiful place than I ever could have imagined.
It’s also scary as hell.
And I’m still only hoping that there is a place somewhere for me as a bisexual. Some days I don’t believe that there is. This has nothing to do with me being happy or not. I’m happy right now no matter what the reality of this new world is because I’m finally happy with myself.
A few weeks ago I was on a date with a beautiful woman . I told her I was bisexual. No use wasting time with someone who can’t handle it, that’s what I’ve decided.
Still, every time I tell anyone, I feel like I’m walking across a lonely chunk of eternity while I wait for their response. While I wait to see if they reject the idea of who I am. She acted cool with it.
A couple days later we met up again. Things seemed great and unchanged, and then she interrupted. “Isn’t it okay that I just don’t want a guy that likes a having dick up his ass?”
I willed the universe to turn me to stone in that moment. It was a cold reality to be reminded of. She hadn’t said it nicely, but she hadn’t said it meanly. She said it pensively as if she didn’t mean to say it aloud. “I would have chosen other words for it, and I don’t remember ever telling you anything like that.” I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t have much to say to her after that.
I had a friend over that I had met a couple weeks earlier. We had taken a photo together when we first met and posted it on Facebook. She so nonchalantly told me, “my mom saw that picture of us and all she said was, ‘is that that gay guy?’” Her tone as she mimicked her mom wasn’t an encouraging one. It’s the reality that I feared ever since I decided to come out. To be nothing but “that gay guy” to so many people. Her mom didn’t care about anything else.
One of my gay friends told me he didn’t believe that I was bisexual. “You just don’t come off as gay to me,” he said. I don’t know why it hurt so much when he said it.
Maybe it was because several gay people (all strangers to me) have demanded since I came out that I share more openly about the gay side of my sexuality. Here’s one email I received:
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I recently came into my own revelations around my sexuality, being a bi-male, though I identify more as pan. I have been highly fortunate in many ways as I live in a Poly household with 2 bi-women who have always encouraged me to find my own truth. I haven't publicly come out as I am someone who does massage for a living, and there are people who would make life most difficult if that happened. We are who we are though. Being true to ourselves doesn't need any one else's approval, or acceptance.
Hey there guy. I think you're courageous. I came out in an era when it was much less popular to be gay but I did it anyway. I admire those who do it today, including you.
I ran across your post "I'm Christian, Unless You're Gay" not too long after you originally posted it and read some other posts then, but hadn't been back until recently someone posted a link to you on FB. I am two years down the road of realizing that I too am anything other than straight, despite how I'd made my life look to everyone who wasn't me. I had the same fears you talked about in your coming out post, and I was in the same deep dark place when I realized I needed to work it out and come out to myself first, and then others. I'm not done yet, but I'm getting close. I'm proud of you, I'm proud of me, and I completely agree with everything you said in this post. Thanks for making me a little braver too.
On the issue of not talking about dating men, it had seemed to me that you haven't actually done so - that so far, it's enough for you to acknowledge that you feel attracted to men. Besides, your dating life, be it with men or women, is very much your business. On occasion, you'll drop in a line about being on a date with a lady, so I figured when there was something worth sharing about being on a date with a man, you would. What you say or don't say about your private life is your business though.
Just got to read your newer posts .. think your courage to blog so personally is awesome and your chat with your son was so well done .. big fan :)
Things about the responses you're getting that tick me off:
~ Being bisexual is not being gay. Nor is it being "half gay" or having a "gay side". It's being bisexual. Gay means only attracted to people of the same sex. Bi means being attracted to people of both sexes.
~ Bisexuality is not necessarily a half-and-half, equal opportunity attraction. Most bisexuals have a preference for men or women, they just also have potential to be attracted to someone who isn't of their preferred sex. It's like having a preference for blondes doesn't preclude one from being attracted to a redhead, but being attracted to a redhead doesn't negate a preference for blondes.
~ It's not something that needs to be "proven". You can be bisexual and still only date women. Maybe you have a preference for women. Maybe you also think Brad Pitt is completely hot. Sexuality is about ATTRACTION, not chosen behaviors.
~ It's really not anyone else's business what you do with your own life, or how you feel about it. If you want to share you should, but no one else has the right to MAKE you.
@Eilena I think you are under the impression that anything labelled 'gay' is bad. It is not. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. As far as 'proven', of course not, but your post seems more like rationalizing than anything else. 'I'm not gay', 'I like (society approved gender here) better', 'It's just that I "could" be, not that I am all the time'. All add up to, 'I'm not gay, you can still love me and I don't have to be ashamed of who I am. As long as I don't identify with anything 'truly' gay.' Guess what, in time, there may come a point when you can't go on with all of those qualifiers. There may come a time when you feel the same thing that made you come out as bisexual, only this time when you tell all those people you love, who are supposed to love you, they will feel even more betrayed because you couldn't own up to the whole truth from the start. Now that they finally got use to the 'new' you they feel like you kicked them in the teeth because 'surprise' there's more.
And my post was about why his friends would say something about it, not what I thought. I had to come to terms with myself first and then tell others.
My boyfriend came out to me in increments. First he mentioned that he and his ex (a girl) had experimented with a strap-on. Admittedly I didn't respond the greatest. I have always thought of myself as being really open, I have always been really active in the LGBT community, and did a masters in the history of sexuality. But honestly it threw me. Rather than let him know that I thought there was nothing wrong with it, I started worrying that he wouldn't be fulfilled if I wasn't willing to give that to him. We let the topic drop until about a month later he confessed that it hadn't been a strap-on and it hadn't been with a girl, it had been sex with a guy. This time I kept my mouth shut, and thought about my reaction before unleashing it. It was a much better conversation. There are plenty of good people who are going to say dumb things. But there are also plenty of people who are going to react exactly as they should- warmly, openly and with encouragement.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes we have gut reactions born from insecurities, or just plain ignorance. I was being selfish and immediately worrying about what it meant about his sexual feelings for me. I should have been focused on understanding that it was a big deal for him to divulge this to me considering he hadn't even come out to his closest friends. A few months later I can't imagine it not being a part of his personality, or our sex life for that matter. He (and you) deserve someone who doesn't just tolerate that part of you, but loves it too.
If their words hurt, it's only because you're letting them. Stop caring about what others think of you, you cannot control that! Instead be yourself with confidence that the people who love you will love you for who you are. Conveniently, the people who don't like you will bugger off if you lend no reaction to their negativity.
It's seems that maybe it's less 'prove you're gay' and maybe a little more 'prove you're aren't still in denial'. By sharing what seems like you are still only dating women, it begs the question 'why even come out if you are only going to keep doing the same thing?'. Not that you are, I wouldn't have the guts to say half of what you have on here, but by leaving that half of your life out it appears that you haven't really changed anything (again I have no idea about your personal life except what you tell us here).
@endlessfire3 I don't see that anything needs to be proven. Maybe he's more often attracted to women than to men. Maybe he's still working up the courage to try dating a man. Maybe he's still working up the courage to share his experiences with dating men. I don't know, just speculating.
Why come out if you're only going to keep doing the same thing? Maybe because you'd like to have the OPTION to do something different without shocking everyone all at once? Maybe to be able to stop feeling like you're lying by omission? Maybe because you're sick of biting your tongue and avoiding looking at people you find attractive because everyone thinks you're straight?
Maybe maybe maybe. It doesn't matter.
@Eilena @endlessfire3 And maybe saying out loud will keep you off the bridge for another 6 months or six years but eventually it won't be enough. Do people need to wait until they are ready to jump again before they finally act on it? Or maybe if those people you are trying not to shock cared enough they would rather you jump in bed with someone who has the same thing in their jeans than for you to ever wonder how fast you would have to drive to break the rail enough to drive off of that bridge?
And maybe this isn't the first time someone thought of driving off a bridge, maybe those that came before would like to help prevent others from taking what I like to call an 'ICU field trip' that lasts days and ends up with you waking up to a 'sitter' in the room with to make sure you don't try again, maybe someone can learn from those people who have stood on that bridge.
I've never been intimate with a woman, for lack of mutual interest combined with opportunity, and am more interested in men than in women (I've been in monogamous relationships with men but don't think I'd want one with a woman), but am absolutely definitely bi and have known this for over 30 years. Better yet, I should say I've been able to put words to it for the 30 years since college, but have felt crushes on both boys and girls (and men and women) since I was about 8 years old. I think it's not as big of a deal in our culture for women as it is for men. I don't proclaim it on facebook, but I mention it in the course of conversation when such things come up.
I get so tired of people crying out about how they aren't different, that love is love, that everyone should have fair and equal treatment, etc, then they turn around and say something like, 'Oh well, you don't seem very gay' or 'You must not be gay because you aren't telling me every detail of your sexual relations with men!'.
Don't pander to them. Just don't. It's not their business. Yes, you came out and that was a journey for YOU, not anyone here. That was for you. And anyone who dares to try and force you to be more one than the other or share more of one than the other... are just trying to force labels on you. They are trying to fit you into their idea of what a bisexual person should be because they can't reconcile how you are and have been with how they think you should be. Which is no different than the things they are so strongly fighting against. Ironic no?
And I looked at your Me, Currently... You don't have a gay side and you don't have a straight side. There is you. There aren't pieces and parts to be manipulated and jockeying into position to show who you are at the moment. That's ridiculous. Share what you feel comfortable sharing, but never lose the whole you because you are more than the sum of your individual identifying traits.
Don't worry, there are definitely places that exist where it's acceptable to be anything other than straight. I live in an area that has a very strong LGBTQ community with a strong sense of self-identity, and a good number of my friends are LGBTQ. (I live in the Capitol Hill area of Seattle, WA)
PENGUIN! PENGUIN! PENGUIN! That girl really said THAT? Ugh. Penguin. Penguin. Who does that? PENGUIN.
It seems to me there are more than a few people who have no place in your life, Dan. Time to let them go and make room for the ones who are sincere and genuine and have no interest in putting a label on you or insisting you prove anything to them or anyone else. Sigh...who do people think they are? :-\
Dan, I so appreciated this column. I identified as lesbian rather than bi for many years due to pressure from the gay community, yet "it" wouldn't go away. Then I hit 50, and decided not to lie about it anymore. It's funny how people freak out about it the monogamy thing, as if people in straight or same-sex relationships never get attracted to anyone else. We do love our binary categories....
I guess I've been colored with the crazy crayon, but I just don't see how it matters. It's sad to be when we as a society create definitions to help us understand and interpret the world around us, but when something doesn't stack up to that definition it's either "abnormal" or it has to conform. And you don't have to conform. You are a beautiful, amazing person full of promise, growth, and potential. There is no gold standard to measure people on as far as their "gayness" or "straightness" goes. I admit to having relations with both men and women. Does that make me any less of the person that is sitting here in this chair? Does the fact that I find the female body to be beautiful make me bisexual? Or is it just a fact about me? No different then telling someone I have blue eyes. Love is love. You should be with the person that you find epically amazing. It's just that simple to me.
Dan - There's one more way your sharing of your life has helped others. I am the mother of three boys, and have taught them since they were little that some boys grow up and marry girls, and some boys marry boys, and both are just fine and normal. I've never wanted them for a second to feel odd or wrong in their sexuality, or discriminate others because of theirs. It never in a million years occurred to me to let them know it was OK to be bisexual, or that such a thing even exists. I've begun to let them know that some people like both boys and girls, and that is OK too. So, if one of my boys is "anything other than straight," they'll know from early on that it's just fine. I learn something from you with every post. Thank you Dan.
oh, people. Honestly, when you came out, my *first*, instinctual reaction was, "...and?" I couldn't care less- but I know there's a lot of people that do, and I also know how hard it can be to be upfront with the people around you- when people act the way that woman did or worse. The people who matter- they'll see you as Dan: the writer, photographer, great father, the man with a wonderful sense of humor- not "the gay guy" or "the gay blogger". The ones who don't? To hell with them. You don't need them in your life anyway. I know it's hard to think that way, but eventually it becomes second nature.
-a girl who's always been 'different'.
I've never understood what makes someone "come across as gay". I have a friend who any stereotype-lover would swear is gay... he talks effeminately, dresses impeccably, and is in to interior decorating... and as far as I know, he's 100% straight. And a couple of years ago I interviewed with a gay couple who were looking for a wedding photographer, and they both looked like lumberjacks - plaid jackets, work boots, lots of hair, and one of them sported a full beard. Saying that you have to look or act a certain way to be gay is ridiculous. What about all the gay or bisexual people who choose not to act on their desires because they believe it's sinful (or for any other reason)? Why does not acting on it make you any less gay or bi?
@CrystalCalliou I had to have a conversation about this very thing with my middle school son, because of course, the kids were calling each other gay. He asked me what makes boys look gay and I told him if he saw a boy kissing another boy it would make him look gay and anything else is just bs.
Im so sorry some people are being that way, Dan. Obviously it's no one's place to say how you truly feel, present yourself, how much you do or do not share, etc. And the woman didn't need to be with you anyway, as you definitely deserve someone more open-minded. Not that you don't know these things.. Take care. *hug*
Since reading your post I have decided to watch some gay/lesbian movies just to see what it is all about. While I am a very effeminate male who has often wondered about my sexuality, I have learned that I prefer females but wouldn't stop a good looking guy just to find out the truth. During my college education, (I minored in human sexuality) I learned that there are very few true homosexuals and very few true heterosexuals. I was told that sexuality it is like a bell shaped curve. Most of us fit somewhere in the middle, not really one or the other but just a preference for one or the other. I fully accept my gay friends (my son is gay) for who they are...they are my friend. Thank you for sharing because my son won't talk to me about anything.
@LloydDavidHansen Interesting concept about sexuality on a "curve"... it actually makes a lot of sense to me because I've been somewhat attracted to women for years now (enough that I will notice a beautiful woman's chest and body and think about her later), but I've never been attracted enough that I've actually desired to act on it... I've only ever desired men physically.
People don't know what to do with information they can't 'store in a box.' To me, that's one of the true meanings of being 'open-minded' as its called. When you don't have a 'box', sit on it, take it for what it is, accept it and move on. Your friend is being judgmental. Your 'date' was being an ass. You don't have to explain to anyone. See same thing can apply, accept it and move on. lol It's your choice how you choose to move on. Ignore it, address it, let it bother you, or say ah, eff it! Unfortunately, we cannot control someone's ignorance. You can educate people, but only as much as you personally can take. Give yourself a break sometimes. This new life of yours will certainly be an adventure, but remember self-care! :)
When you make it a big deal, it will be a big deal. I've learned the hard way that the more you worry about peoples' reactions to something, the more likely they are to have negative reactions. Accept yourself, realize that your sexual attractions really aren't that big a deal, and other people will pick up on that and will be more likely to view it the same way- as the non-issue it is.
We do too, that is why we love ya!
"Where your attention goes, you go." Gary Zukav.
I mean this in the kindest way.... the reason this is such a big deal, is because you are making it the focus of everything. If you are who you are, then walk proud and get on with being you. The more you dwell on every little reaction of others to "who you are", the less you are living your life. I know these are hard times. I also know that there are millions of others out there who may or may not be attracted to people of the same sex. The difference is, they don't focus on it to the exclusion of everything else. If you make a big deal about it, so will others. If you tell everyone all the time that you are bisexual, it becomes the only thing they see, because it is the most important thing in your life - which you indicate by how much you talk about it. Love who you love, without shame, without guilt, and most importantly, without needing to defend your choice to anyone. Then you know you really are who you are.
@Geoff
I get where you are coming from, and there is definitely a lot of truth to what you have said, but what I didn't get before I had my own coming out process, and also did a lot of reading about coming out, is that this is a NECESSARY part of the process. Maybe you get this. For all I know, maybe you're gay and and had a similar experience, or maybe you're gay and came from a very accepting community where this part of the gay experience was less necessary. But I think this deserves to be said for the benefit of others at least: Actually, I don't think Dan is over-inflating this part of his life, but he is processing an important event in his life. And it is a cycle--part of why it feels like such a huge thing is because the people close to you who didn't know this before are making it a big deal, and new people focus on it so much because it feels like such a big deal to the person coming out. It is a natural and temporary part of the process. But it is also true that while heterosexuals have the luxury of not making anything of their orientation, persons of minority orientation have the message that this is a big deal screamed at them all the time. Also, people assume something about them that is not true unless they reveal their sexuality, and not wanting relationships (especially romantic ones) to be based on a false idea of who you are and not wanting to waste time and emotions building relationships that are bound to fall apart in a very painful way, we often choose early self-disclosure for a reason. But I don't see any evidence that Dan is spending his whole date talking about his coming out process or his sexuality. He just wants to put it out there so that if it's an issue, he can move on.
Don't you just with you could shake someone and ask them if they understand how hurtful their comment is? I don't care what tone that girl said her little comment in, she HAD to know that it was asinine! Consider yourself having dodged a bullet, because someone with that little regard for the feelings of the person they are spending time with is NOT someone you want around your precious son. I know that knowledge doesn't make it any less hurtful and that you will certainly encounter many more comments and attitudes that will be aimed at making you feel lees about yourself and your sexuality, but please keep in mind that there are so many people who think you are wonderful and have never even met you. Your light and personality shine through in every post. Your love for your son and your family, your giving heart in the situation with the family above you, your sense of humor, your openness and honesty, all of it is out there for anyone who takes even a moment to look. Yes, your sexuality is a part of who you are, but is just a part that makes up a whole, amazing person who deserves love and respect. Yes you will be hurt, but don't let that hurt make you feel like you need to be anything other that who you are.
I agree that neither you, nor any one for that matter, needs to prove anything to anyone. Screw stereotypes. That's all some people want to see to feel that their opinion, view, judgment, whatever, is validated. I may be bisexual, as well, not fully out of the closet yet myself, but I'll be damned if I ever cater to every one's generalization and stereotypes. I am me. You are you. That's what makes this world so beautiful. Keep being yourself, it is truly inspiring.
The most important thing to be is honest--with yourself, and those you love--all other things come from honesty: love, trust, sincerity, understanding... How could anyone fault you for sharing yourself and gracing us with something there is far too little of in this world: truth
One thing that has always irritated me when some people speak negatively about gay/bisexual, is they automatically think about the sexual aspect, and their own "ick" feelings about that. Ya know, folks...there are plenty of heterosexual people around who engage in a wide variety of sexual encounters. If you see a pregnant woman out in public, do you go up to her and accusingly say "OH MY GOD!! YOU had sex, YOU Wh***!!!"? Or demand to know if she conceived while in missionary, like a "good girl" (and she'd better not have enjoyed it!)? Gosh, I hope not. That's no more anyone else's business than how someone in a gay or bisexual relationship chooses to express their love and sexuality.
No-one needs to prove anything to ANYone. And no-one should have to hide or lie about who they are, especially if who they are is a wonderful human being.
I wish the world we lived in was without labels. That you didn't have to call yourself bi, gay, straight, black, white, married or single or whatever. I wish it was more about whether you were happy or not. Love who you want, however you want. Like pink, green, blue, or black. Eat meat, fruit, veggies, or cake. If we could only care whether our friend was happy or not, we wouldn't care how they got happy. When people ask me my religion or my political stance, I don't pick sides. I say I'm me. And that is how I like it. I'M ME! I often want to shout it, but I'd rather let people enjoy what they are and not push them to be like me, because that might not make them happy. And that's all I really want. Happiness for everyone. Why is that so hard for everyone to believe in? Why must we put people into boxes to understand them? Man vs. Woman. Kids vs. Adults. Just make each other happy and don't make each other unhappy. Living with each other would be so much easier if we all tried that.
Wow - some people. Unfortunately blogging can have a somewhat dark side. Sometimes people take the very small glimpse we get into your life and turn it into an intimate friendship with no basis in reality. That imagined friendship gives them the justification to make terribly inappropriate comments, or critiques. You've invited us to view a very small part of your life, but you don't need to justify anything to anyone on the other side of your screen. You just keep being you !
Oh for shits sake! Your sexuality has NOTHING to do with anyone other than YOU! Nobody has anything to prove to any other person other than the quality of their personality and morals...
Dan, I am excited for you and proud that you are willing to accept yourself as you are and present it to the world...that in itself is admirable and wonderful and while scary you are taking the best from it and that's what's so Impressive. I personally am straight but have some gay friends...my one friend came out to to me and me alone before anyone else because she was scared and was afraid even her family would reject her...but as I have told many people who end up telling me these sort of things first before anyone else (or whenever they decide to tell me) is this: Love is Love...it's that simple...I can ramble on and on but your love for Someone of the same sex or opposite sex can be the same...it's about who makes you happy who you can trust, lean on, be intimate with, open with, yourself, laugh, play, cry, be upset around....and whether that person be male or female shouldn't make a difference to anyone! I hope that your experiences continue to inspire you and that you have more positive than negative ones!
But 'normal' is so boring and overrated..! :P You should rather aim to be slightly nuts and awesome :D lol
You're just amazing. That's all. Just a beautiful human being. I wish more folks could be as honest with themselves as you have been. I'm sorry for the painful parts of this process, but it will get easier, and you will learn from it. Life's not always easy. Some of us have a lot to learn to become whole. Your experience and willingness to share it makes the world a better place.
Since coming out as bisexual I've had a lot of the same experiences with people. I find that I'm not really accepted in the gay community because I'm not gay enough but I'm not straight enough to be straight either. I constantly get told that because I've been married twice and have 4 children I must be heterosexual. As frustrating and hurtful as this still is I'm trying to get to a place where I can stop trying to define myself by everyone else's standards and just be myself. Hopefully this will get easier for you as time goes on. If it does or you figure out how to deal with this effectively you'll let the rest of us know :) Stay strong!
@Cmeisner I have had the same experience. I have been told by both men and women that they don't want to date me because they think I am just dabbling and will cheat on them with someone of their opposite sex. I mean really people... get a clue.
Hi Dan, some of the same reactions you got were the same ones I got when I came out. Someone I loved and trusted as a mother figure said, "you're not a lesbian, you just can't get a boyfriend cuz you're not pretty enough so you think you're into girls now." or even now when a man tries to get me to sleep with him, "you just haven't been with the right man." At first it was heartbreaking and hurtful, but after hearing it so many times it's just eyeroll worthy! Unfortunately, it seems that being anything other than straight means developing a really thick skin and believing in and trusting yourself more than you trust the opinions of anyone else!
@VeronicaVelarde Wow. I can't believe the nerve of some people. It's one thing if you ask someone's honest opinion, but it's also amazing to me how people are very willing to share their (often unwanted) opinion. Oh- and they often seem unfamiliar with "tact". I hate the attitude of "You just haven't met the right man/woman", but to tell you that you're just not pretty enough so you're "settling" for women? That's downright insulting. :(
@VeronicaVelarde or as my mother said, "I don't think you're bisexual, I just think you're lonely. Don't give up on yourself... you can get a guy!"
I'm Bi.. and married to a man. But does that mean I have to go out and date a women or be with one to prove I am Bi.. No. And I won't just to prove it to this world. I know I am and what the rest of the world says doesn't matter. Who you date, man or women, is your business Dan. And if you choose to post pictures of your dates, then that's up to you, not the rest of the crazy world. :)
you may not actually see this comment, and that's ok because its not that important. but when I read your comment about nail polish and RuPaul it kind of shook me out of reading your blog that I absolutely adore (and continue to). I'm sure you were being facetious or something, but the stereotypes you picked to ironically poke fun at I don't think were apt for your comparison. The way we dress or the shows we watch don't define our sexuality by half. Just a thought, but like I said, not terribly important. It just struck me how much reading that simple statement jarred me out of what I was reading. Can't wait for your next post!
No one has the right to tell you what you should or shouldn't do about these issues. Be true to yourself and honest with potential lovers-maybe not the first date-I beleive your soul or spirit will guide you in the right direction. I believe sexuality is really a continuum anyway. Good luck and be happy for your own and your son's sake.