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BEST. SHORT JOKES. EVER.

Penguin with sign

Yesterday, I ticked off a LOT of you by telling you about my things to splurge on when I’m poor list. I also had a LOT of you climbing onto your roofs just to sing my accolades. That to me is a good day of blogging.

Today, let’s just laugh. I don’t want anyone having a heart attack, and this time of year roofs can be slippery and dangerous.

My late sister Carissa (she had Down’s Syndrome) loved telling jokes. She carried her little joke books around and loved to make people laugh. Her favorite joke was the one in the image above. How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie into it.

I never have awesome jokes. People say, “tell me a joke,” and my mind always goes blank. I’m a wit man. I like to make humor on the fly.

But when I’m an old fart I know the wit won’t be as witty as it used to be, and I decided I need to start building an armoire of short jokes now that I can tell my kids and grandkids and great grandkids. Right after I die, I want to pop my eyes open all the sudden and just as I fade away into eternity say, “bury me with that music I wrote when I was younger.” They’ll say, “why?!” I’ll say, “I might as well spend my time underground decomposing.”

Okay. That wasn’t my joke. My Grandma Ann always has a joke up her sleeve. It doesn’t matter the topic of conversation. Last night she told us that joke about Beethoven. And she told us three or four other priceless jokes over the course of the evening. And I just want to be like her when I’m old. And like Carissa.

So, I asked you all on my Facebook page for your Best. Short jokes. Ever. And you delivered. In fact, you delivered a few posts worth of them. Haha.

So thank you. I will now be a funny old man someday. Oh, and some of them were a leeeeettle bit naughty. Or politically incorrect. Or just plain wrong. I pushed those to the last page so that those of you who aren’t as “free spirited” as someone like me can skip them if you like.

BEST. SHORT JOKES. EVER.

  1. How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
  2. Why did the policeman smell bad? He was on duty.
  3. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? FO DRIZZLE!
  4. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent pee.
  5. What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
  6. What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boobies.
  7. Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the long face?”
  8. A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here”. Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fungai!”
  9. I never make mistakes…I thought I did once; but I was wrong.
  10. What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?…Ba-na-na-naaa!
  11. What did the little fish say when he swam into a wall? DAM!
  12. Knock knock. Who’s there? Smell mop. (finish this joke in your head)
  13. Where does a sheep go for a haircut? To the baaaaa baaaaa shop!
  14. What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE

300 comments
Guest
Guest

Why do grizzlies have fur?
To cover their bear spots.

GaryJamesG
GaryJamesG

i thought the jokes were entertaining. Clean enough to share. love getting a smile from my Granddaughters....don't listen to the no'hoper.

anshul arora
anshul arora

I love the jokes, they are so cool and pretty funny....


patialajokes.com

martian
martian

Q: "How many Sigmund Freud's does it take to change a light bulb?"
A: "Cocaine." ~ Martian Spaceship

MercyBrown3
MercyBrown3

I’m Mercy brown by name I have a few testimony to share with you all about myself, I was in a relationship with this guy and for 3years and we were about getting married when we both have misunderstanding with each other and he ask me for a divorce and we both agreed and after 4months I head that he was having an affair with one of my closest friend and I was very upset and worried so a friend of my advice me and told me if I still love my ex and if I really want to have him back so I told her yes, and she ask me to contact Dr. Madurai the spell caster and I did although I never believe on spell so he gave me something when he was casting the spell and ask me to say my wishes on it and after the casting of the spell a receive a phone call from my ex and was ask me at which I did and now we are back together again I’m so happy and I wish not to ever have this mistake again in my life. I will also advice anyone with this kind of issue to contact him for help he is really nice on phone and always there to answer you question giving you the good advice that you need. his email is [email protected]

selena54321
selena54321

DON'T READ THIS. YOU WILL BE KISSED ON THE NEAREST FRIDAY BY THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE .TOMMORROW WILL BE THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE. NOW YOU'VE STARTED READING THIS.DON'T STOP.THIS IS SO FREAKY.1. SAY YOUR NAME 10 TIMES 2.SAY YOUR MOM'S NAME 5 TIMES 3.SAY YOUR CRUSHES NAME 3TIMES 4. PASTE THIS ON 4 OTHER GAMES . IF YOU DO THIS YOUR CRUSH WILLL KISS YOU ON THE NEAREST FRIDAY. BUT IF YOU READ THIS AND DO NOT PASTE THIS YOU WILL HAVE VERY BAD LUCK . SEND THIS TO 4 GAMES IN 143 MINUTES. WHEN YOUR DONE F6 AND YOUR CRUSHES NAME WILL APPEAR IN BIG LETTERS ONTHE SCREEN . THIS IS SOOOO FREAKY BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY WORKS ... SEE SEE SEE SEE THIS PPL

satek
satek

What's the difference between pea soup and mashed potatoes?

Anyone can mash potatoes!

satek
satek

What does going down on an 80 year old taste like?

Depends....

kewlgreg
kewlgreg

Great Jokes to lighten people up!  Thanks!

KittyCud
KittyCud

Ah, these are brilliant... just what I needed to cheer up my day :)


debdidnot
debdidnot

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

They're RIGHT! We DO taste like chicken!

schrantzgirl
schrantzgirl

My favorite favorite favorite shorty: Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny!

enderman
enderman

DON'T READ THIS. YOU WILL BE KISSED ON THE NEAREST FRIDAY BY THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE .TOMMORROW WILL BE THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE. NOW YOU'VE STARTED READING THIS.DON'T STOP.THIS IS SO FREAKY.1. SAY YOUR NAME 10 TIMES 2.SAY YOUR MOM'S NAME 5 TIMES 3.SAY YOUR CRUSHES NAME 3TIMES 4. PASTE THIS ON 4 OTHER GAMES . IF YOU DO THIS YOUR CRUSH WILLL KISS YOU ON THE NEAREST FRIDAY. BUT IF YOU READ THIS AND DO NOT PASTE THIS YOU WILL HAVE VERY BAD LUCK . SEND THIS TO 4 GAMES IN 143 MINUTES. WHEN YOUR DONE F6 AND YOUR CRUSHES NAME WILL APPEAR IN BIG LETTERS ONTHE SCREEN . THIS IS SOOOO FREAKY BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY WORKS ... SEE SEE SEE SEE THIS PPL

enderman
enderman

DON'T READ THIS. YOU WILL BE KISSED ON THE NEAREST FRIDAY BY THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE .TOMMORROW WILL BE THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE. NOW YOU'VE STARTED READING THIS.DON'T STOP.THIS IS SO FREAKY.1. SAY YOUR NAME 10 TIMES 2.SAY YOUR MOM'S NAME 5 TIMES 3.SAY YOUR CRUSHES NAME 3TIMES 4. PASTE THIS ON 4 OTHER GAMES . IF YOU DO THIS YOUR CRUSH WILLL KISS YOU ON THE NEAREST FRIDAY. BUT IF YOU READ THIS AND DO NOT PASTE THIS YOU WILL HAVE VERY BAD LUCK . SEND THIS TO 4 GAMES IN 143 MINUTES. WHEN YOUR DONE F6 AND YOUR CRUSHES NAME WILL APPEAR IN BIG LETTERS ONTHE SCREEN . THIS IS SOOOO FREAKY BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY WORKS ... SEE SEE SEE SEE THIS PPL


suavesquirrel52
suavesquirrel52

What do you call a dog with no legs... doesn't matter, he won't come anyways... where do you find him? Right where you left him!

MichaelVenoy
MichaelVenoy

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HORMONES AND VITAMINS? YOU CANT HEAR THE VITAMANS!!!!!!!!

yoursj
yoursj

there was these two micronesians  poundin their sakau(local alchol). on that day one of the men had a hole in his pants. 

the other man said to him" hey you got a big one", the other man said," its for my mother, she really likes to drink it everday"

the man didnt know dat the other man was talking about his PENIS sticking from da hole in his pants>>>

Shawna
Shawna

He who stands on toilet is high on pot.
or
There was a hole in the womens shower, police are looking into it
or
Someone stole all the toilet seats from the police station. They have nothing to go on.

Chemdude
Chemdude

You made my work crew laugh. I appreciate the jokes. Thanks.

Annonymous
Annonymous

What's the definition of a drawing pin?   (An excited Smartie!)

albert
albert

horrendous jokes

rudy
rudy

Favorite "kid friendly" joke - What do you call a sleeping cow? A Bulldozer!!

summerreeves88
summerreeves88

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison

brisbane
brisbane

The wife said to her husband, "do you know what our little boy called me today, a bitch!". He replied, "that son of a bitch!"

Stevenxs
Stevenxs

OMG you cannot possibly palm off these bad jokes as good by anyone's standards. How pathetically poor, I think you can hear far better in a primary school yard. For goodness sake put much more effort into your site and offer far far better quality or else delete your site a to a scrap heap where such junk belongs.RIP poor recycled jokes that never had a chance. Suggest you get a life or you stop wasting other people's. Good luck as you certainly seem to need it.

AnnieRae
AnnieRae

Why did the bald man go outside?
To get some fresh hair!

Branwen
Branwen

Two fish in a tank; one turns to the other and says 

"Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Buddy
Buddy

Whuddya call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no cock?

Still no fucking idear

Wuts the diff between beer nuts n deer nuts?

Beer nuts r a dollar fiddy, deer nuts r under a buck

Scurvy
Scurvy

A seal walks into a club......

Eddy A
Eddy A

What did Beethoven do when he died? 

He decomposed!

pavkey88
pavkey88

what do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef.

Cyprus
Cyprus

www.officialgt.com

Rory Wightman
Rory Wightman

And... Q: what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

         A: still no eyed deer

gary fleming
gary fleming

U R tha wirst. Go 2 hell, faggit. U ruined my lyf with this post. God hates U xXxXxXx 2K13 bItChEzZz xXxXxXxXx

dan hoskins
dan hoskins

Whta do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian Universalist? Someone who walks around knocking on doors for no particular reason.

How do you know the Unitarians are really, really mad at you? You come home to find a burning question mark on your lawn.

 Ray ray
Ray ray

Why did the kid drop his icecream cone? He got hit by a bus

Max Bonello
Max Bonello

why did the chicken cross the road ? to get to the gay man's house . knock knock , who's there? the chicken :D

jatwood4
jatwood4

When I got to page three, I laughed so hard, I thought I was going to hae a heart attack. Best jokes ever!! Thanks for the laughs --

1virttothego1
1virttothego1

what kind of bees make milk instead of honey? "boobies"


Patriot
Patriot

That's not fucking funny at all. Idiot.

TonyHenderson1
TonyHenderson1

@Stevenxs  Really?  Have you nothing better to do, in life, than play the offended critic? I realize I'm actually giving you what you wanted all the time...ATTENTION, so just say Thank You....then disappear! 


Bbbuletts
Bbbuletts

Wow noobs, them

Jokes where nothing like a good joke, i didnt laugh a single time.

Qwertybird
Qwertybird

@Stevenxs You're a fool. There are very funny jokes in there. Go be grouchy and boring somewhere else. Thank you by the way for giving us an example of a "good" joke. Moron!

MissMannersofSC
MissMannersofSC

@Stevenxs How rude!  The jokes are cute, clean, and very appropriate for his target audience .... kids, grandkids, great grandkids...as he stated above.  Why are you so angry and nasty, and have the need to try and belittle his efforts to brighten other people's days?  I'd say Dan Pearce has a life, and is not wasting anyone's time.  Your rotten attitude is the one that needs an adjustment.  You should go back to playing by yourself in the sandbox, as I suspect that's where your troubles began!  Sheesh.

Gr8ness
Gr8ness

U knw who ever wrote this put a lot of work if u can't appreciate then ok u don't have to act all b***h like see I don't knw this guy but I knw that u just wanna give hate to other ppl I would like to see u make a site

Shayle
Shayle

@gary fleming Please, please tell me that was a joke.  And I thought the posted jokes were bad! (although to be fair, great for little kids!)

Bbbuletts
Bbbuletts

R u fuckin kiddin me? Man up dude

jatwood4
jatwood4

@Bbbuletts Not a dude, dude.  Are you always this rude and disrespectful to commenters who like your posts?  Smarten up and grow up, or you're going to get yourself in trouble some day, with family, or friends, or a boss.