1. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
  2. What’s the last thing that goes thru a bug’s mind as he hits the windshield? His butt.
  3. Knock knock- who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub I’m dwounding!
  4. The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
  5. What goes “ha ha thump”? A man laughing his head off.
  6. What did the grape say when he was pinched? Nothing, he gave a little wine.
  7. What’s brown and sticky? A stick!
  8. Why are pirates so mean? I don’t know, they just arrrrrrrrr!
  9. Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!
  10. What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner.
  11. Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?
  12. Who’s there?” … “Control freak. Okay now you say, ‘Control freak who?”
  13. What do you call cheese that’s not yours? It’s nacho cheese.
  14. What do you get when you put a candle in a suit of armor? A knight light.
  15. Have you heard about corduroy pillows?! They’re making headlines!
  16. Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum Tish!
  17. There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley, one was assaulted.
  18. What do you call a sleepwalking nun… A roamin’ Catholic.
  19. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
  20. What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!
  21. Why did the orange stop? Because, it ran outta juice.
  22. What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
  23. Knock knock. Who’s there? Interrupting Cow. Interrupting Cow wh- MOOOOOOO!
  24. Why did the storm trooper buy an iphone? He couldn’t find the Droid he was looking for.
  25. Knock knock…who’s there? I eat mop. I eat mop who? Ooooo gross! (now do you get the earlier one?)
  26. Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.
  27. Why did the stop light turn red??? You would too if you had to change in the middle if the street!
  28. Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.
  29. What do you do with a dead chemist …. You Barium.
  30. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull? – Lipstick!
  31. A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables…the bartender says, buddy, I’ll serve you as long as you don’t start anything.
  32. Two cows are sitting in a field, and one says to the other, “so, how about that mad cow disease? Scary stuff, right?” To which to other replies, “terrifying. But what do I care? I’m a helicopter.”
  33. How does Jesus make tea???? Hebrews it.
  34. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elephino!
  35. What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor? “Where’s my Tractor?!”
  36. Have you heard about the duck that was arrested for dealing? He was selling “quack”.
  37. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
  38. How do you catch a unique rabbit? You ‘neek’ up on it.
  39. How do you catch a tame rabbit? The ‘tame’ way.
  40. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!
  41. *While waving your hands on either side of the other person’s head* “running through the woods, running through the woods, running through the woods. Close our eyes!” *smack person on forehead* “TREE! Never close your eyes when you’re running through the woods!”
  42. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Hippa. Hippa who? I’m sorry, I’can’t tell you that.
  43. Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says “gosh, it’s hot in here”. The other muffin screams “AAAH!! A talking muffin!”
  44. If you’re American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European!
  45. A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar. Bartender says, “Hey Mitt! What’ll ya have?”
  46. What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it!

OMG, where did you guys get all those?

You made my day. Now for those who are a little more adventurous…

WARNING, the next page is some of the completely inappropriate, politically incorrect, and more naaaaughty ones that you submitted. I laughed at them because I think laughing at the inappropriate jokes of life makes real life and real thinking more enjoyable. These definitely won’t be everyone’s cup of tea.

And if you don’t go to the next page, what’s your favorite short joke ever?

Also, this blog post has been recorded as a podcast.

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he’s most known for, with more than 2 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It’s an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!