Please come to work early so I can drop my kids off on my way to Starbucks. Please feed them breakfast while they’re there. Make sure it’s healthier than what I offer at home. Also, teach them math & science since we rarely practice those in our house. But, also teach the moral & religious beliefs that they see me not follow. I want you to reward their successes & recognize each child’s abilities. But, make sure they all feel like winners & that no one feels left out. Be on the watch for bullies or trouble makers. Don’t let anyone mistreat anyone else since I don’t have time to find out if my child is the “different” one. Make sure to recognize each student’s individual talents & skills. Tell me what those are during our 10 minute conferences each semester. Love & cherish my children as if they were your own. I’m busy working 50 hour weeks trying to pay for all of our belongings & don’t have the kind of spare time that you do. Also, learn to shoot a gun & bring it to school in order to protect my children. They are my life & I wouldn’t want them to be harmed on your watch. Ensure every child that leaves your classroom is safe, smart, well adjusted, & free of social problems or concerns. I have difficulty parenting my two kids, but you got a degree in this. So, you must be able to handle all 38 students with absolute ease. When you’re done with this list, let me know. I have more ideas on how you can raise my children for me.
This was written by Greg Beeler, a stand-up comedian and fellow-Utahn on his Facebook page, republished here with his permission. You can find his Facebook page here.
I have so many thoughts on this. Would love your thoughts on it as well.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing