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What a week to start off the new year! A while back I decided to ask one of my favorite questions to you over on the SDL Facebook page. “What is the funniest thing you’ve ever heard an old person say.”
More than a thousand of you replied, and your answers had me ROFLSHISMTW (A free hour of babysitting over Skype if you can guess what that means!)
By the way, in the last Grandpa Said What Now post, nobody got ROFLSHMEWS which was, “rolling on the floor laughing so hard my eyes went skewampus.” Better luck today.
Anyway, with more than a thousand, I have enough to make several posts out of my favorites. Bad news is, you only get one more of those posts today. Enjoy.
- Life is not for sissies. My 100 year old gma.
- My grandmother moved into the nursing home with my Grandfather and they shared a room. My grandpa asked the nurses if they could push their beds together so they could “make whoopie”. They were both over 90 at the time!
- My grandfather was dying of cancer.I went to visit him in hos last few days. He was out of it most of the time from all the medicine. My aunt Christine was helping care for him. She came in to lay his bed back, told him she didn’t want to see him get sores. In one of his few lucid moments he looked up at her, patted her plump hand with his frail one, and said ” We wouldn’t want my butt to get as big as yours from sitting on it all this time”.
- Spandex is a privilege, not a right.
- Nice girls don’t put guys “things” in their mouths.. my 86 yr old grandma.
- When my grandfather’s fly was down, he said “what can’t get up, can’t get out!”
- My great-grandma used to call people “Pigf***er” as an insult. Can’t think of a funnier term. May she RIP.
- My grandmother was apparently against me breast feeding because after I told her my plans to nurse my children she said “oh honey don’t do that. Your tits will go to hell!”
- While I was a server, I once waited on this sweet, old, old couple, and as the elderly wife had her nose in the menu (to see the print better?), the elderly man motioned me to come closer to him. “You know the worst part about eating a vegetable?” he asks. “Getting her back in the wheelchair.” I had to leave the table I was laughing so hard. The old man smirked sweetly as his wife still had her face hidden by the menu.
- “Girls can run faster with their skirts up than a man can with his pants down”- Grandma.
- “These aren’t my breasts. They are just the bags they came in.” Said by an 80 something year old, prim and proper woman as I explained to her that I needed to move her breasts to place leads for an EKG. I almost died laughing.
- One Thanksgiving my brother’s crazy girlfriend called during dinner and almost immediately began chewing him out, ranting on and on. Being a gentleman, he didn’t hang up on her, but also wasn’t going to just listen to her so he set the phone on the table. He would pick it up when it got quiet, say uhhuh, and then put it down again as soon as she started again. This went on for at least 20 minutes or so. My grandparents sat watching this until finally my grandmother couldn’t take it anymore. She looked at my brother and said “Jeffrey, it is time to kick the bitch to the curb.” There was a moment of shocked silence(she never swore) followed by cheers and hysterical laughter.
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Rolling on floor laughing so hard I shit my tighty whities?! lol
Oh dear........I'm crying from lauging so much!!!!
ROFLSHISMTW - "Rolling On Floor Laughing So Hard I Shit My Tighty Whities"
Spelling on tighty whities?? haha.
And now I see someone below me already said that... :( Sorry, didn't read previous comments before posting.
My grandma (85) just moved out of one apartment and into another one. The old place only had a shower, and she prefers baths. As my bro-in-law and husband were moving her things she said, " I told the girls, the first thing I'm going to do is take a bath. This will be the first time in three weeks my pussy's been wet!" Oh dear.
My Great-Grandmother used to fart then say it's just extra air!
From a woman with 7 kids and over 50 grandkids: "Honey, I have a child for every form of birth control I TRIED! And when your husband is travelling for his job for months at a time, abstinence isn't something you think about when he gets home, if you know what I mean!"
My Grandmother had an endearing name she called my brother and me. My brother and I are only 13 months apart and were a bit of a handful when we were young. Once in frustration, she answered my Grandfather's question., "how were the kids?" To which her reply was, "You're damn right Daddy, these damn kids are damn fools!"...and we were!
During my rebellious teenage hitchhiking years, I met an old man in San Francisco that gave me the best advice I have ever received: "Never trust a fart."
Hahaha 19 is great!!! Not sure what's with the exceptionally large amount of lewd quotes though.
My ex-husband and I were close friends, before we got together and were married...
When he moved away, at one point, he made a new female friend that was apparently not the most beautiful, on the outside, because he told me that after his grandfather met her, he looked at my ex, shrugged and said "You know, all cats look gray in the dark..."
roflmao
ROFLSHISMTW- rolling on the floor laughing so hard I split my tighty wihties!
Rolling on the floor laughing so hard I sh*# my tighty whities. Lol
Good stuff! My grandmother used to say outrageous stuff all of the time just to get a reaction out of us. She always had us laughing :)
Funny old person (me) AND funny kid (my 11 yr old grandson):
Damien was telling me about how embarrassing his dad had been the previous Friday. It appears Paul and his friend had been singing a lament because their youngest children wanted nothing to do with them. Their song was along the lines of "I hate my dad 'cause he doesn't have boobs". Top of their lungs, in public, sober as judges at our monthly art festival.
Needless to say, Damien was mortified.
I assured him that if he stuck with me, I would protect him.
My daughter piped up. "Don't believe her! She always embarrassed me when I was your age!"
I calmly pointed out that it was in my contract to embarrass my children and, sadly, my grandchildren.
My grandson looks from her to me and says "You have to sign a contract? I don't think I want to have kids." And walked away!
Very funny
Rolling on the floor laughing so hard I shat my tidy whiteys! @danoah
A good laugh!....seriously though...ROFLSHISMTW Rolling On Floor Laughing Shaking Head In Silly Manner Till Wednesday? no? eh, thought I'd give it a try...
Oh darn, someone else already came up with it! What ErikaS623 said... except I would have said shit. :) (and several other people)
ROFLSHISMTW --- Rolling On The Floor Laughing So Hard I Soiled My Trousers, Woe! :(
Rolling on floor laughing so hard I shat my tighty whiteys
@ErikaS623 Oh there you go! I like that one. I bet you win the free babysitting!
I like #19 :)
My grandma's friend Dorothy always told me that men are like busses, they come along every fifteen minutes. This was when I was in college and had just broken up with my boyfriend...and she was right. At least until I met my husband :)
And I love the Burger King pants too. Hilarious.
I figured it out ;-) ROFLSHISMTW Too funny!
Thank you for your blog. I stumbled upon it from a friend's post on Facebook about the answering letter to "I'm Christian, Unless you're Gay" - have enjoyed reading as many posts as I could cram in this afternoon.... and plan to come back and visit often.
And, Noah is just simply adorable!
# 17 and 19!!!
When I was about 8 months pregnant, I had a female patient who had Alzheimers. Her husband, Ansel, was 90, and he shuffled in every day with his walker to see his wife. One day, the patient asks me "Whose baby is that?". I said "My boyfriend's." She asked me who my boyfriend was, so I told her his name and she promptly exclaimed "Thank GOD it isn't Ansel's!"
Rolling on the floor so hard I (erm for politeness sake I'll say) soiled my tighty whities?
@Lynda Whitlow I was thinking the same thing Lynda! Of course with the word - SH*T
ROFLSHISMTW = roll over on the floor laughing so hard i saw my tonsils wave
I'm directing a hand chime choir for seniors. Before our Christmas concert (mind you, it was snowing), I had to warm the chimes by rubbing them with my hands before handing them out. One of the 80+ year old ladies said she would do it herself and placed the chime on her lap. Then she said, "Don't tell anyone, my dear, but I have the coldest vagina in the city!" Even worse, she didn't realize her voice carried across the concert hall, so everyone heard it and we laughed for at least 10 minutes.
very cute....i never remember my grandfather saying something funny like that....may he rest in peace.....i miss him so much
My Pop-Pop was the Absent Minded Professor, and my Grandma was a beautiful hostess. She apparently kept all of Pop-Pop's underwear for dusting, but sadly she passed before he did by a few years. The day came when it was time for Pop-Pop to leave Maine to be closer to us in an Assisted Living Facility. My parents and I drove up to clean out the house, and there is this drawer filled with underwear, each one with the elastic torn from the back. I called him up to get permission to throw away his underwear, and asked him if the ladies at church had been giving him wedgies. The poor dear didn't know what a wedgie was, of course. I asked him why he was saving ripped up underwear and he said he didn't know, but Grandma had always kept it, so there must have been a good reason.
My grandmother had a really interesting version of Yankee Doodle. I think her brother made it up when they were young. I'll never forget her singing it to us as kids, bouncing on her knee. "Yankee Doodle went to town to buy a sack of peaches. He rode so fast he skinned his ass and mashed them all to pieces." To this day I have a hard time remembering to sing the proper words.
Rolling on floor laughing so hard I swallowed my tongue whole
Thank you for the funnies! :)
It's a grams quote, but still my favorite...once while cooking, she said, "I'm just going to use my hands, it's not like I've been playing with myself or anything." Lol
Rolling on floor laughing so hard I shit my tighty whiteys
@kalen My thought exactly!
It's only Gramma by proxy, but: Many years ago my grandmother took my sister shopping for the day. The following day as we were driving about my sister piped up and asked "Where are all the jacka$$es today?"
When I was first dating my husband and just meeting his family I was at my in-laws for dinner one night, and my husband's grandmother and her gentleman friend were there (both in their 80's). They were getting ready to leave when the friend was looking out at the drive way (he still drove, even through he probably shouldn't). He said to Grandma, "hmmm not sure if I'll be able to back out of the driveway", Grandma looked at him and without missing a beat said "Merle a tractor trailer could back out of that driveway" I knew at that moment that I loved her!
My grandpa had dementia and Alzhemer's and was missing a leg. One family gettogether, he tried to leave our house to go outside to watch our chickens peck around. My dad told him: "one minute Pop and I will help you" my gpa:"I can *:%% do it myself!"d:"no pop, you can stop yourself if your [wheel]chair tips back" g: " I may only have one leg but I fan still kick your a**!
ROFLSHMSFOAIDMT
I was caring for my 70 year old mother who had terminal cancer at home but when it came time for her to go to the hospital we had to call the EMTs One minute she was bagging not to go and breaking my heart and the next she sees the two very good looking attendants and lifts the blanket that is across her lap and says, "Oh good! I have panties on!" As hard as that situation was my brother and I couldn't help but laugh, because that a glimpse of how she used to be.
#20 reminds me of my godmother. She used to tell my sister, "Sweetie, your family's so fertile, you could probably hang your underwear next to a boy's and get pregnant." My sister was terrified of laundry for years as a result of that....
My grandpa always says (when asked if he wants to hold great-grandaughters) "Nah...i only hold girls on my lap after they are 18"
I heard an old woman say "Honey, when you get my age your boobs are like an empty tube of toothpaste, you just roll em up"
My wife's grandpa was groaning as he tried to get out of the car. When she asked him how he was feeling, he replied "Everything's stiff except what oughta be!"
My sister visited my 92yo grandpa the other day (and delivered a package of pull-ups). She said something to him about exercising. He replied, "Oh honey, my life is more about pull-ups than push-ups these days." :)
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!