dan-carrie-pearceYesterday I shared the tale of my terrible awful no good very bad day grumpiness which I took out on everyone and everything in my path (thank you to you few astute people who made sure to point out just how much of a soulless turd I was. I wanted to get that point across, but you really drilled it in better than I ever could).

Click here for that post.

Basically, I was headed to my mom’s house to have some of her world-famous rice pudding because I needed a reset on my really crappy day.

That is how magical my mom’s rice pudding is. It really can reset any bad day. It has the ability to make unicorns do backflips. It makes Vampires get chubby and cuddly, which is exactly how they should be.

And my family played a prank on me and made me think it was all gone when I got there. And in my already crappy-day state, I turned into some weird cross between Godzilla, King Kong, and Steve Buscemi’s psycho character in Fargo.

Anyway, bazillions of you asked for the recipe, so I harassed my mom until she shared it. Please make this tomorrow or Sunday morning. Or tonight. Or yesterday. If you don’t, I will be highly offended. And just in case you need it for the motivation, here are some actual quotes about Nana’s rice pudding.

“A recent study indicates that after just two bowls of Nana’s rice pudding, 86% of violent inmates were found to be rehabilitated enough to enter society again.” ~Tom Brokaw

“I used to suffer from incurable urination. My whole life I had to urinate. After eating Nana’s Reset Rice Pudding, I never had to urinate again.” ~Steve Buscemi

“After taking one bite of Nana’s rice pudding, I began crying like a little baby. I immediately donated $1 billion dollars to a charity for people in places where rice doesn’t exist.” ~Donald Trump

“People always ask why I started dancing at the beginning of each show. It all started the first morning I tried Nana’s Reset Rice Pudding.” ~Ellen Degeneres

And, one more quote, and a very serious one, from me.

“There is crappy rice pudding. Then there is normal rice pudding. And then there is my mom’s rice pudding. NOBODY doesn’t like my mom’s rice pudding.” And this is true.

Most store bought crap is just that. Crap. A lot of homemade crap is just that. Crap. But my mom’s rice pudding is never crap. Ever.

Enjoy. Copied straight from my mom’s email.

Nana’s “Reset Yer Day” Rice Pudding.

It’s a bit hard to give the recipe because I don’t measure much but here goes. I have been making this since I was a teenager.

Depending on how much you want to make and how decadent and creamy you want it to be are the ingredients you use. You also might need to adjust the spices just a bit because I never measure them. I just dump until it “seems” the right amount for what I’m cooking.

INGREDIENTS:
8 c. cooked rice
10 c. half and half or milk
10 eggs
1 c. sugar or to taste
1 1/2 tsp. ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp. ground nutmeg
1 1/2 tsp. vanilla
1 tsp. salt
1 c. raisins (optional)
1 c. chopped nuts (my favorite is pecans, optional)
1 quarter lb. stick butter
14 sugary angel tears

In blender combine 3 cups half and half or milk, eggs, sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, vanilla and salt. Blend until creamy.

In heavy pot on stove top, combine rice, egg mixture, the rest of the half and half, raisins and nuts.

Cook on medium heat until mixture thickens stirring frequently all the way to the bottom of the pot. Be careful to not turn your heat too high or go too long without stirring or the pudding will scorch.

I cook the pudding until it starts to be thick and creamy then remove from heat. It will continue to cook after removing from heat so you need to be sure not to overcook it or it becomes kind of dry.

After removing from heat, slice butter into the pot and stir until it’s all melted.

Serve with milk, cream, half and half, whatever you like to put on hot cereal.

This recipe is easily reduced. Just remember to use 1 egg for every cup of milk or half and half. I like to use more egg mixture than rice for a creamier consistency.

For a new years tradition, throw in a whole almond or in our case we put in a whole half pecan. Whomever gets the whole nut in their bowl gets good luck for the coming year.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

PS. I may or may not have added the sugary angel tear part. You can’t really buy angel tears because angels don’t cry. Crying and flying don’t mix.

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!