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Dear Boy Scouts of America,
As you consider revising your policies to allow openly gay men and boys to be part of your organization, I wanted to share a few of my own thoughts.
I was a part of the Boy Scout organization for seven years. I have many fond memories of it. I did much good with my peers for the community, for each other, and for myself.
I learned a lot during those seven years, as well. I learned how to manage finances, rescue drowning people, support others in their goals, and so many other useful skills that I carry with me to this day.
I also learned how to hate myself. You see, I’ve been attracted to my own sex since I was eleven years old, which, coincidentally, was the year I started up in the Boy Scout program.
I remember how much emphasis was placed on what was considered normal family life and normal sexuality. Leaders talked about it from time to time. The other scouts laughed about it often. No one ever had any doubt that being anything other than straight was a quick ticket to being outcast. I wanted to disappear or cease to exist on more than one occasion.
I went to camp every summer with my friends. I went to meetings every week. I stood in the rain and the mud with those guys.
And here’s the thing.
I never wanted to have sex with any of them. I never wanted to experiment sexually with any of them. I never wanted to do anything sexual at all, ever, with any of them.
I just wanted to be accepted and feel like I wasn’t worthless. I was a preteen. Nothing else mattered.
Yet so much emphasis was placed on making sure I was never different than the norm that I never had the opportunity to feel accepted and valuable. Ever. And for that reason, I am writing this letter to ask you to reconsider your policy that forbids openly gay men or Scouts into your program.
Here’s some things I know.
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Now that the Boy Scouts have shown their hand and decided what they'd like their new, bizarre policy to be, I've written an open letter myself. This is a hard time to love the Boy Scouts of America.
http://meaganmcgovern.squarespace.com
P.S.: I have already shared your post on Facebook and Twitter, and have expressed my feelings on the matter via contact through the bsa's website.
Dan, I love the letter. So you know more about me; I am not gay, but I do not judge gays though I was born a sinner and attempt to resist it everyday. I do have a son who recently joined, in time to make his Bear. There is a meeting soon at our local council concerning the BSA policy on the gay ban.
I would like to use some points from your letter as I make my own letter to the council asking that they lift the ban.
http://archive.benchmarkemail.com/Boy-Scouts-of-America1/newsletter/Compass-Points-Bulletin---Feb-6--2013
Awesome perfect letter!
So well expressed, Dan. This kind of community leadership is what can change the world for the better.
Well said Dan as always.
Awesome post and you hit it right on the head- teach love and acceptance- not hate and "elitism"!
Not quite equality - that'll happen when no troop can exclude a scout based on their sexuality, which won't happen even if this passes - but it's definitely an exciting step in the right direction!!!
And this is why the UK is better. I'm not aware of any anti-gay feelings in the UK scouts movement.
America to be proclaiming itself the leader of the free world is almost ridiculous. It's civil rights are ridiculous. The fact that the 1 civil right fiercely protected by the constitution is that they are allowed to own a weapon just about says it all.
@MelendineJeremiah Freedom of speech fortunately is fiercely protected as well. The gun thing is ridiculous! Especially since no one even is saying to get rid of guns - just the automatic and semi-automatic ones. I love my country - but it that doesn't mean it's right about everything. But hey - we voted in Obama again instead of that other guy - we can't be all bad! My grandmother adored the UK and visited as often as she could. And I'm a tea drinker:)
@cathys @MelendineJeremiah Just as a minor aside, "just the automatic and semi-automatic ones" *is* all the guns, for pretty much all intents and purposes. While automatic firearms(heavily restricted since the 1930s, and no civilians can purchase any made after the mid-1980s) are quite expensive and relatively rare, semi-automatic firearms account for, oh, about 90% of the remaining 270 million firearms in the U.S. (Semi-auto just means "pull trigger once, gun fires one round".)
@skreidle @cathys @MelendineJeremiah Semi-automatic means that after the firearm is shot, the empty round ejects automatically. In other firearms, such as a bolt action, lever action, pump action, etc., a motion must be made in order to eject the empty round (pulling the bolt/lever back and forth, pumping the action) before the firearm can be fired again. This motion also chambers another round in some firearms; for example, in my bolt action hunting rifle if I have my 4 round clip inserted I must work the bolt once to load, depress the trigger to shoot, then work the bolt again to both eject the empty round and load the second round from my clip. I am pro gun control of automatic weapons, I just wanted to clarify what a semi-automatic firearm really meant.
@cathys @MelendineJeremiah
Unfortunately the view we get from the media is that the only freedom of speech fiercely protected in America is either hate speech or idiot speech. Although I recognize that is probably because the negative speeches get wider coverage due to people complaining about it.
That Obama only, just, won the public vote is bad but at least he won the important vote that made him president again. A facebook post going around was "This year at thanksgiving I will add Thank God that I don't have to say President Romney".
My parents drink 5 cups of tea a day but I don't like the taste of it yet.
I sent this to the Council.
"When my oldest child was 8, he became interested in being a Boy Scout. I knew virtually nothing about the organization, being female with no brothers nor male cousins, but I had been a girl scout. I figured it couldn't be much different. I couldn't have been more wrong! My son lasted about 4 months before he (of his own volition) decided he didn't want to be part of a discriminatory organization. See, we were Unitarian Universalists, and he wasn't (per BSA policy) allowed to wear his religious emblem on his uniform. Upon researching this issue, we also learned of the policy regarding homosexuals. He decided to do "scouting stuff" on his own rather than be part of that sort of group. My son is not gay, but he believes in equal rights for all Americans, and we both feel that the BSA does a disservice to American boys by being exclusionary. I hope you someday realize that all people have worth, and change your policies."
@Tangie remarkable son!
DONE! I have raised my kids to care about what is inside of someone, not what they look like, or who they choose to love. Thanks Dan!
DONE! Glad to give them my opinion. I raise my kids to only care about who someone is on the inside, not what they look like or who they choose to love.
I spent 12 years in the Scouting movement (in SA) and loved every minute of it. I was a Sixer in Cubs and was a Patrol Leader from 15. I came out when I was 16 and that didn't stop my men and elders from electing me as their Troop Leader. It was an honour and a privilege leading those boys and men for that time. It was invaluable in teaching me so many great skills that I utilise nearly every day. Mostly though, it built character, the Scout motto wears in, and I'm a better man for it. I only found out later in life, but our Scouter was gay too. We couldn't have asked for a more dedicated man. He organised night hikes, camping trips, national jamborees, leadership training and great troop meetings. Scouting and that man provided me with hundreds of great adventures and to this day I still love hiking in the mountains, tubing down rivers or jumping off waterfalls. To deprive young men of the option to sign-up for this adventure because of their sexuality, and to deprive all Scouts of the invaluable input of some great leaders because of their sexuality, is short sighted and ignorant. What a loss for all Boy Scouts of America.
@RyanHendra I'm definitely with you Ryan. I had great experiences while in the BSA, became an Eagle Scout and I'm proud of that achievement but I do not side with the BSA on issues of religion and sexual orientation.
Stacey, you are a very smart woman. Good for you for listening to your heart...not the church. I was born and raised Jewish, but I've always believed in equality for all, no matter what! I have veered in the other direction from the temple, for years, now. I happen to be gay, too, and I've lost many friends due to their "worshiping the church and G-d's words." So I'm not a big fan of the church/temple either. Good for you for sticking up for your son, too. He DEFINITELY deserves equality. I have a daughter and a son, both who deserve the best. But I would never put my son in the Boy Scouts if they were going to teach him such foolishness. Thanks for your wonderful words!
Lillian, you are very misinformed about the LDS church. I am a former member and the church is against gays period. They recently stated that gays may now be members of the church but only if they never enter into a relationship with someone of the same sex... that is not being accepted that is being punished for being who they were born as. Gay people just want respect and to be treated as equals to everyone else, which they should be able to have. I left the church many years ago when I found out the truth about a lot of things the church preaches that is wrong. I am so glad I did as I have a gay son and he means the world to me and he deserves happiness as much as any other person and should be able to live an authentic life. I hope he finds someone to love and that will love him back just as much...in the end, sex doesn't matter, love does. No one should tell someone else how to live their life. Remember, when you point your finger at someone there is always three pointed back at yourself.
Eleven years ago I served on our community United Way funding committee. Of course Boy Scouts was one of the groups that competed for funding. I spoke up within the group about the ethics of funding a group that (openly) discriminated, despite their pleas to find leaders in the community that would commit to working with the scouts. In a small, tight community that doesn't always addresses controversy well, this committee chose not to fund leadership recruitment (administration), but continued to fund programs that specifically supported scout programs. To this day, I am proud that I spoke out (I am not shy about doing this) and proud that the committee made the choice that it did. I continue to speak out. Your words are powerful and right on about the misnomers about gay culture. Rock on.
I've been following you for a few years now. I've laughed, cried & and been prompted to look within myself more times than I can recall. This however is easily my favorite post of yours ever! Granted, it's because I feel so strongly about the subject, but nonetheless... Keep up the good work!
You rock :) GLAAD is working on it too, here's an article:
http://cltampa.com/dailyloaf/archives/2013/01/30/celebrities-spread-the-word-on-how-to-stop-the-ban-on-gay-scouts#.UQlj3-jGI18
You know, the thing is that I get the feeling that people in the Boy Scouts currently just don't want those who are open about their being gay into the organization because they are being open about sex. They don't want that so I mean if you want to be in the Scouts, just don't talk about what your orientation is and your okay. And with that, I agree. I wouldn't want my child's leader or even teacher at school coming out and saying they are gay. I just don't think that's the setting for that knowledge to be shared.
@RuthieMerrellCheeseman Then by your own reasoning, no Scout Leader should talk about being married, about having a wife, even acknowledging one of the boys as his own son, because that would be being open about being sexual with a woman.
@RuthieMerrellCheeseman Does that mean that every straight adult is open about sex with kids in scout troops? Would you feel the same if the BSA said they didn't want anyone with a lisp because the other boys might pick it up? Or anyone who liked redheads? Or anyone who was bow-legged? Or had wide feet? Or overweight? Or short for their age? It's not about sex, it's about being accepted in a group even if you don't share the same views or lifestyle. By not accepting gay people as scouts and leaders the BSA is saying that being gay is wrong and shameful, and that being open about it will get you excluded from things you might want to do with a group.
@sk8nsqurl @RuthieMerrellCheeseman Being fat has nothing to do with being gay because being fat has nothing to do with sex. Gay does.
@RuthieMerrellCheeseman You wrong in most of your statement above. Being fat has nothing to do with being gay, you're right there. But beeing fat can have as much to do with sex as anything else. It's simply what a person is attracted to. A Boy Scout leader influencing children about any preference is wrong, whether gender, hair color, boob size or weight. Some people like to have sex with models, people like to have sex with men, some people like to have sex with fat women, some people like to have sex with fat men. Some men like their partner to have blue eyes, large feet and only shower on Sundays. Their sexual preference is something for their bedroom, not a conversation with my kid. Being gay has nothing to do with the mission of the BSA so NO ONE should be excluded because of those preferences. If you can't change the fact that you like ____ in a partner, why should a homosexual be expected to change? No one is saying people who are attracted to short people can't join or lead. Sexual Preference shouldn't exclude admittance into a group that is supposed to be about character building, citizenship and fitness.
@RuthieMerrellCheesemanIs that really the only thing you got out of what I said? Being gay has nothing to do with wanting to learn survival skills or wanting to be a part of a group. The BSA gives kids who are gay the impression that they should be ashamed of themselves for something they cannot change. Sex should happen behind closed doors, but showing affection to your partner through hugs, kisses, and holding hands should not be restricted simply because a man loves another man or a woman loves another woman.
My husband was denied the opportunity to become a scout leader because he is an atheist. They are desperate for leaders in our area, and he would have been fantastic at it. But, because he doesn't believe in a higher power, they knocked him back. It's their loss.
@Rosieb66 I was practicing a religion when I was in the BSA but I now describe myself as agnostic. The Scouts would not allow me in because of that and the fact I'm gay. I did not identify as either when I was active in the scout but they would not now let me in either. Their loss is right.
I should have written "The Scouts would not let me in NOW because of that...."
While I believe no one has the right to judge or bully or be mean etc. to anyone that they don't agree with, and while many of your "mainstream" LGBT don't have an agenda, they just want equality, I have to disagree with your statement that "they" don't have an agenda, because "they" do. I personally have a friend whose brother was heavily recruited by the gay community and part of their agenda is to make it so that NO group can deny "their" entry. You spoke of the LDS so I will use them as an example. They are against this "movement" because part of the agenda of the LGBT is to have it so that "they" can be married in the LDS Temple. It is sad that a few can ruin things for so many, but that is "their" agenda!
@Lillian Meyer Bristol
I'd be interested to hear the story your friend's brother told when he was being "heavily recruited" -- and I wonder if he needed to blame a group because his natural sexual orientation wasn't acceptable to his family?? As a straight female, I've been in gay bars with gay friends, and I've had women approach me. No matter how much "recruitment" would have been attempted, I am not attracted to women. If I'd seen an attractive man in that same bar that I wanted to get to know, you could call my approach "heavy recruiting" as I used my pickup lines and coy conversation styles, hoping he'd decide to change his sexual orientation... But the bottom line is you CANNOT change someone's natural sexual orientation, no matther how much you try to recruit.
@Lillian Meyer Bristol As a former Stake Relief Society President - I'd just like to share "We aren't judged by other's choices - only how we treat others." Who doesn't have an agenda in this lifetime? The LDS church embraces Boy Scouting and is one its largest financial supporters - therefore they have a vested agenda in keeping Boy Scouting in alignment with LDS principles. So you are right a 'few' special interest groups can ruin it for so many who actually aren't LDS or homophobic.
The Boy Scouts now have a "two deep" program which means that there must be two adults present at all times. This is to prevent any wrongdoings. That being said, I am a female that prefers to have sex with males. I was allowed to be a Cub Scout leader. How is that different from you being a leader? I think you would be a great one!
We've been debating this same thing. We have a few years before our son is old enough to be in the Scouts - he's only 21 months right now - but we thought we should start thinking about it. On the one hand, we want him to be involved with such a group. My husband was and he learned a lot from it. On the other, they are actively and vocally practicing discrimination and inequality. These are not things we want taught to our son. We want him to be accepting of others, regardless of race, creed, color, gender, or sexual preference. To have adults in his life that he will spend a lot of time with, that he will be looking to for guidance, say that his friend who is gay cannot be a part of his group *simply* because he is gay, is unacceptable to us. I really really hope that the Scouts change their mind and allow ALL boys to join.
OK, so we enjoy Scouts, wonderful, I did as well. But why in the world do the 0.3 % of Americans who are gay have to dictate what the rest of the Americans don't like or want. That you have these feelings, fine, good for you, but quit pushing it on the rest of society. I don't push my political views, my religion, and certainly not my sex life on you, so please stop pushing your lifestyle and sex life on me. And please don't make a Federal case out of everything you don't like the rest of the people in this country don't agree on with you.
You say gay people don't have an agenda, but the Boy Scouts of America were taken to court, as well as many others, just because they have another set of values than gays have. You absolutely have the right to feel what you feel, but give the same rights to others.
And the Boy Scouts of America is a private organisation, agreed with substitues, and as such has the right to set standards to their own liking. If one doesn't like it, don't join, nobody is forcing you to be part of that organisation, but don't force your standards on them.
If I made an enemy by saying this, I am sorry, but please allow others to disagree and run their organisations and/or businesses the way they want to.
@GHJB For what it's worth, the Boy Scouts of America also pushes religion on scouts. It discriminates on basis of sexual preference and on basis of religion. If they want to remain a discriminatory organization, then they need to stay out of our schools and stop actively recruiting American boys with public dollars. America is for EVERYBODY! Secondly, I have many gay friends and none of them push their sex lives on me. We go bowling, drink beer, and watch movies. If you can't stop thinking about what gay people do in their bedrooms, then the problem is simply YOUR dirty mind.
@GHJB How is requesting to be allowed into a group that promotes equality "pushing" ones feelings, religions, or sex life on anyone? No one said "let me into this group so I can make you all like me". They said "let me in so I can be like you. Accept me for who I am. Don't tell me that I'm wrong because I am who/what I am." I don't see anyone going around telling straight people that they're wrong to be straight, but straight people feel all high and mighty in telling gay people that THEY are wrong to be gay. Who in the hell cares? Let everyone have equal opportunity to be in a group like the Scouts, where they can learn some vital life skills.
@GHJB I totally agree with you!
@GHJB Actually, the Boy Scouts of America is a publicly-funded group which relies heavily on the use of public spaces such as schools, libraries, etc. Constitutionally speaking, they are actually NOT allowed to restrict who attends their meetings when those meetings are held in these public spaces- they used a legal loophole to be allowed to do so, but it really is a violation of the American Constitution.
Scouts Canada made a very clear statement that they did NOT support their American ccounterpart's decision to exclude people based solely on their gender orientation, shortly after the Dale case.
It was after this public statement that my son joined Scouts Canada ... I couldn't have him be a part of an organisation that promoted hating people simply because of who they loved.
@bodicea @GHJB Which is why most school districts will no longer charter scout groups
@bodicea @GHJB You know, at is one other misconception. NOBODY said anything about promoting HATING people because of who they are. Why does that always come up when one is talking about this subject. I for one have never used that nor do I feel like that, but as soon as somebody has a different opinion than somebody else it suddenly is either racist or hatred. Sorry, but I am sick of hearing that. Something like this should have never even been an issue.
@GHJB @bodicea Actually, saying that you cannot be a leader in scouting because of your sexual orientation is promoting hate- the message that is sent to the boys in the troop is "we cannot accept John because he is gay."
To a child, that translates quite simply and literally to "we don't like John because he is gay". To a child who might be homosexual himself (or bi-sexual, or transgendered), the message is "If you are gay, we don't accept you."
How is that NOT encouraging people to hate other people for who they are?
Here is a direct email for BSA [email protected]
Dan have I every told you that your amazing.
@ Daniel, I am having a hard time understanding your reasoning. Asking to become a member if an organization does not equate to asking them to adopt your beliefs. I am a single mom and belong to many organizations. I don't recall ever asking anyone to believe my lifestyle is better than theirs or that they are wrong for raising their children in a traditional marriage.I was simply a mom offering life experiences to my children that I could not otherwise offer them because i didn't have the skill set. Further, to the best if my knowledge, not one troop leader felt that my untraditional lifestyle was a threat to their organization. Why should it be different for any other kind of non-traditional family. Why should the child of someone who is not strictly heterosexual be denied those same experiences. Why should the single dad or dad with a life partner be denied the opportunity to expose their child to the same things everyone else's kids get? I don't get it.