After 21 years of self-destructive inner-battles, I finally admitted my biggest secret to myself and to the rest of the world. That day, and the day my son was born, were the two most incredible and wonderful days of my life.
Before sharing it, I was so convinced that I was alone in my fears and my experiences. I was certain that my secrets would be the end of me. I didn’t see anyone else struggling with the things for which I had hated myself for decades. After sharing it, person after person after person began coming to me in confidence, telling me that they had the exact same struggles; they had the exact same fears; they had the exact same worries.
Wondering how it was that so many people were experiencing the same thing, yet we all felt so alone in it, I asked you all to anonymously share a difficult secret that you’ve never told anyone. There were only two boxes to fill out on the form. “What everyone thinks is true,” and “What actually is true.” I called it The Truth Box.
I have received thousands and thousands of responses, and each week I will share 60 or so of them here.
The thing I love about these respones is that they make us feel a lot more human with our own truths. Some make us sad. Some make us vulnerable. Some of these difficult secrets were shared by those who come here every day and leave such positive and wonderful comments on my daily posts. Hopefully all of these secrets make us feel more love for others. And when I read them, I somehow become incapable of judging anyone for anything that they shared. All I want to do is hug them and tell them I love them. Based on the comments that have continually poured-in, so many of you feel the same way…
#12 -- All the way. That is me. I mean, I have a job, but I'm supposed to be looking for "something better." But... I like it. So on my days off... Netflix.
#49, please get help!! it's ok to feel overwhelmed...i had horrible ppd with both of my kids...i totally understand. you don't have to feel like this, though. you can feel better with help...i'm begging you...i don't even know you but i feel your pain. it can go away, and you can enjoy your life and children.
It's pretty sad really. In many of these cases, all I see are people playing the victim and living out of integrity. It's all about choices. If you have made bad ones, forgive yourself and make new better ones. The girl who is cheating on her boyfriend. That's not a secret, it's just mean and can't possibly make you feel better about yourself. Seriously, you aren't even married! It's not like you're trapped. For the married cheater, again, not trapped. Just leave!! ... On the flip side, for those who need real help, please get it! No one deserves to feel "less than". You each have your own purpose. Find it and let the haters hate, even if they are your parents! It will only harm them. Other people's disapproval only tells you about them and has nothing to do with you! Find a way to be the best you ever! They will be the one's who miss out and it will have have been their poor choice. Hopefully, this doesn't come across as harsh. I say it all out of caring. we are not TV characters. We are people who make real choices that benefit and/or hurt ourselves and others. make good choices.
I thought it would be more cathartic than this to see mine in print. Maybe one day I'll share the entire secret and finally get some closure. To everyone else, hugs.
I can completely relate to #52.
#45 spoke volumes to me. I appear to be well adjusted and happy...but thankfully it is the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications that give me that appearance. I have no qualms admitting this either.
When friends find out I have depression, anxiety AND ADD, they are really surprised, usually saying, "well you don't act depressed." Well, no, because I am taking my meds on a regular basis. If you were to see me without them for a couple days, you would NOT want to be around me.
@SnapSchotts I, too, and am on antidepressants and antianxiety meds. Most people think I'm outgoing, friendly and very talkative. Thank God for meds or I'd be rolled up in a snarling ball.
The Truth Box is a wonderful thing. It's great to be able to be honest and know that you are anonymous. It's wonderful to read others' truths and to know that you are not alone in the way you feel.
To the one who stated he is pining for the one who got away and hoping for the demise of her marriage so you can step in, does she know this? Maybe she feels the same way? Then again, maybe that would scare her. I wish you the best and hope you can some day be with her or learn to be happy for her if she is happy in her marriage. :)
To the writer scared that she might snap and kill her children; I can relate to this and you don't have to feel like that. Please seek help for PPD. I felt the same way after having my babies, both times. Don't fear medication if its necessary and talk to you friends. That was how I initially got over my fear of having to take pills to be "happy" and I can now say that I truly am happy, at least with my children I am.
I could relate to some of these
The teacher's post spoke to me. I'm a former teacher. My last year, I had to leave for nearly 3 months because I had crippling anxiety attacks just walking into school. I left at the end of the academic year. I'm so much happier. I may not have a great paying job, and we "make the rent," but I feel sane and I don't think about driving my car off the road anymore.
@icbb I felt that way about my last job. I loved my job until the internal politics got so rediculous that one night I finished my "shift" and packed up my personal belongings and took them out to the car and then dropped the keys on my boss' desk with a brief note and left. I have never felt so free in my life. The really frightening thing about my former job is that it was a religious institution.
@Ninjalike54 @icbb I wish I could have had an exit like that. I think it would have given a lot more closure. I always cringe a little saying it, but I'm glad I'm not the only one. I feel slightly less insane in this crazy world.
@icbb I've been there. When I left teaching, my husband said it took me 6 months to smile, and it was almost a year before he heard me laugh. I feel guilty about the money we put into my degree, but I don't regret walking away from that hell-hole called the public school system. I homeschooled my kids through middle school because I knew that it would do them serious harm to be in that system at that time.
@Kelly Rose @icbb I hate that other people go through this, but at the same time, I'm just glad to have others there to let me know I'm not alone. My wonderful, wonderful therapist said if she had the space and resources, she'd do group therapy sessions for teachers only because of the amount of people she has worked with or knows that suffer. And, yeah, money is tight. I was lucky enough to have parents to pay for my BA, but I sunk my savings into my grad degree, and I'm still paying for it with the loans I used to cover the rest. And, I work retail now, so I make peanuts. I do not regret leaving teaching for a minute.
These are so sad - I wish I could just give everyone a hug and help them somehow. But I'm not much better off.. So all I can offer is my prayers.. But those are pretty good and hardly a last resort. We all have our secrets
Putting your problems into perspective can be a really valuable thing. Personally I struggle with wanting to believe my past wasn't as bad as I remember it, when it truth it was. It was abusive, in every way possible. I was abused sexually, verbally, physically, and neglected. A therapist once told me it was one of the worst abuse cases she had ever heard. And yet I still sometimes struggle to believe it. I dont know why that is. I want to believe my parents were ok, you know, not good, but ok. Maybe its a desire to be normal, or not feel the pain. Maybe if it wasnt so bad I dont have a reason to feel so bad. But reading all these really points out the truth. My pain is just as real as anyone elses, just as reasonable, and just as bad. Maybe when I can finally accept it I will finally be able to truly move past it.
@enderw90 I have done the same. I KNOW what I've lived through but sometimes my mind just doesn't grasp it. I want to believe I had a healthy, well rounded childhood. But I didn't. The therapist insists I go through trauma counseling but I'm afraid. It's easier to believe a lie than to accept the truth sometimes.
@Justme I know exactly how you feel. I've been struggling with it for the almost 9 years since I grew up and left home. I thought I could just bury it and forget things over time. Unfortunately I'm discovering that doesn't work well. I'm lucky in many ways. I somehow never convinced myself to actually commit suicide, I never thought drugs or alcohol was the answer, I finished college, married a wonderful (and NOT abusive) man, and have the job of my dreams. I'm actually truly happy... so long as I dont think about the past. And even then it rears its ugly head once in awhile regardless. It makes it doubly hard to delve back into it all... why bring up the past and mess with it all when I know how much it hurts. And yet, I know it isnt going away, and that is the only way I'm ever going to feel like its over, done, and peacefully buried. It's incredibly scary, and I have yet to figure out how I'm going to do it, or when I will feel strong enough. I'm guessing never. Which means biting the bullet and doing it anyway. I hope you find a way through. If you do hopefully I'll meet you on the other side.
@tigger62077 thank you, I will definitely look at it.
@enderw90 Try writing about it. Even if no one else ever sees it. Create a world that you can control and have your characters go through it. Or act it out yourself with someone that you trust. Any form of art can help. I know this from experience and maybe it will help others as well. Writing saved my life because I learned I could see my past for what it was without being sucked into it. I can accept what happened to me without it harming anything in my present. It is not an easy journey but you can heal!!
@enderw90 You might check out a site called Violence Unsilenced. Read. You don't have to comment, and you don't have to share your story. But read. It might help you, to know you aren't alone, that there are others, that it's not your doing. It's stories of survivors of all types of abuse, of all strengths, and from both genders.
It's amazing how I see myself in some of these...thank you for your honesty. I think it makes every one more amazing..
Breaks your heart to see so many in that much pain, they are not alone by far.
I am living #58 for sure. I've pretty much given up trying to make things happen for a while. I spent a year and a half trying to change my circumstances and I'm lost and more depressed than I have been in about 20 years.
Wow another powerful truth box! so many of us hide so much! we hold it all inside! i just want to stand on a mountain and scream! I AM NOT ALONE! thanks Dan.
I am in agreement with Amy Thorn. That one scared me and I was just going to post the same thing. I would recommend trying to contact the person who shared that or contact someone regarding that one. That's definitely not to be ignored. As for the others, you have to know that these weekly posts on this subject are very cathartic for me as I hope they are for those sending in their secrets. I identify sometimes with a lot and some not at all but all the same, it goes to show that we all carry some kind of burden with us day to day. It makes us human and yes, is sad that we cannot share a lot of these secrets face to face with the people we love but you have given a safe place to share them Dan. Thank you.
Silk - It's commendable that you are able to stand back and ask those questions of yourself. Sometimes I can do it and sometimes I can't. I know in the past, just letting the secret out to someone was the first step for me in healing and actually being able to ask some of those questions and talk to people. I agree that secrets hurt and that communication is a key to happiness. But in my experience telling secrets can also hurt. So I understand the wariness that some face in trying to talk to people. Again, healing is a process. It doesn't happen all at once. It's like the layers of an onion, you peel this back first and work on it, then you're able to peel back another layer and work on something else. Again the fact that you can ask all these questions no matter the situation says alot. Maybe you should find a way to help others find a way to do this too. It's not an automatic thing for most people. It's something that someone needs to show someone how to do. Hopefully Dan doing this will help someone realize they need help and they will talk to someone
I want to hug each of these people... Except #46, she gets a high five. :-)
@KD lolol right?
One of those was almost exactly like the one I submitted. The only way I knew I didn't write it was because I have nothing to "forgive" the person in question for. For some reason, that hit me hard, to know someone else out there is in almost exactly the same predicament.
Wow so many resonate, Somehow I wish we could all meet up and support each other through the journey.
After reading through these I can't help but feel #57 came off as a teenager mad they don't have enough. Among the heartbreak and sadness of the other it seemed to glare out as petty.
Dude, the person who feels like they might "snap and kill" their kids needs to be contacted. Those kinds of thoughts should not be ignored. It is the same as when you hear someone tell you they want to kill themselves...it is your responsibility to notify authorities to protect them from themselves. I don't mean to be insensitive and I am not judging, but if you know the contact info for the people threatening violence against themselves and others then you need to do something.....anything. When I was suicidal as a teen, I told a friend who told a teacher and I was immediately escorted by police to the hospital. I have always been grateful for someone listening and taking action. It saved my life.
how do we share?
@Ginny Scovell Gottschalk At the end of the list is a spot to put "what people think" and "what the truth is", and then a box to enter the "prove you aren't a robot" thing. Then, just submit. It will go to Dan.
I relate deeply to many of these as well. Specifically: 4,22,56 and 58. I hear you.
I hope you do continue posting these truths. It is sad, but it also helps me to know that I am not alone. I posted my own truth a couple weeks ago and I'm surprised how many others have similar truths. Thank you for doing this!
#4 brought tears to my eyes. And I secretly wish it is my old best friend. I pretend I'm okay. But with the loss of her I am unable to make new friends for fear of losing them and the pain associated with it.
it's so good to know at least that we ALL deal with STUFF.
I've had my share of traumatic, life changing experiences and my share of problems dealing with them. I understand shame and distrust. I understand that not everyone has developed a sense of self-worth. My philosophy of dealing with problems whether I cause them or they just happen to me didn't come to me until after I'd developed mine. For me, the solution to any issue I have begins with me. What did I do to cause it? How can I correct it? If I did nothing, who did? Does it matter who did? Is this something that can be repaired or must it be recovered from? Why does it bother me? Is it wrong that it bothers me? Most importantly can I/how do I prevent it from happening in the future? Emotions do not simply sort themselves out, we have to explore them to understand them, and exploring them in a secret vacuum of shame is exactly what leads to compounding debilitating problems. I'm not saying that the truth box is a bad thing, or that Dan shouldn't have put it up. I am expressing my frustration with this aspect of human nature. It re-enforces my belief that secrets hurt and that communication and expression is key to happiness and mental health.
I hurt for every one of these people!!! I hope that this gave some of them the confidence to seek help!! especially if they see the support they receive here!!!
Powerful!
Its strange when u read someone else's truth box, and it mirrors your own.
I missed that one. I could sure use a chance to anonymously get some crap off my chest. LOL
I hope admitting these helps people... Some are really serious cries for help! It's awful to live with these kinds of "secrets" and the lies they induce. I hope the folks who are scared and hurting can find the help they need!
Church is a recurrent theme in a lot of these, that the individual is somehow not living up to the standards imposed by the church. How many of those people would be relieved of their guilt if they moved away from the organization that is telling them what they "should" be instead of embracing who they truly are, warts and all? There are literally thousands of churches out there. Find a better one if yours is a source of pain instead of a source of inspiration.
Silk – you talk like someone who has never had a traumatic, life changing experience. The fears, the shame, the guilt that comes along with that experience seem foreign to you, just by the way you talk (at least that’s how it comes across). Some things are too hurtful to just “share” with someone. Healing for these things is a process that takes time. It comes off layer by layer. First of all admitting the problem to anyone is a big step. It’s a part of the healing. And if this anonymous posting helps them heal, then more power to them! It’s not a matter of “owning our problems.” It’s a matter of dealing with life changing events that have altered your reality and who you are as a person. Sure, some of these people have brought on their own problems, but some of them haven’t and that’s a whole different thing. The thought of talking to someone scares the crap out of some of these people. I know it did me at one time. But little by little I was able to tell a person here and tell a person there (and then just pieces of it). I’m sure you weren’t trying to sound the way that all of this came out…but it came out compassionless and without understanding…assuming you know things that you can’t possibly know about someone. Every one of these people are in their own spots of healing from various things and unless you’ve been there, saying “just talk to someone” or “own your problems” is about the least helpful thing you could ever say. Again, I’m not trying to be rude or jump all over you. I’m just trying to give you a different perspective. People who are hurting need an outlet and sometimes the shame, guilt, fears, or whatever other feelings are so strong that the only outlet they might feel comfortable with is something anonymous…and Dan has provided that. My only prayer now is that this is the beginning of the healing process started when they anonymously told Dan their secret.
Thank you for sharing these. As dark and depressing as some of these secrets are, it helps (me at least) to know that no matter what a person is struggling with, we are not alone in that struggle.
Deep, way deep. Makes me feel a slight bit better about my dark secrets. Thank you.