“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” ~Philo of Alexandria
After 21 years of self-destructive inner-battles, I finally admitted my biggest secret to myself and to the rest of the world. That day, and the day my son was born, were the two most incredible and wonderful days of my life.
Here on Single Dad Laughing, I started what I call “The Truth Box.” I asked you all to anonymously share a difficult secret that you’ve never told anyone. There were only two sections to fill out on the form. “What everyone thinks is true,” and “what actually is true.” Thousands of secrets were shared. Every Thursday I share 60 of them here. Completely random and as they came in.
These truths aren’t meant to entertain. They aren’t meant to bring us down, either. They’re just an incredible and poignant (though sometimes) heavy reminder that we all are fighting our own great battles.
Pulled from the Truth Box: Week 4
1
What everyone thinks is true:
I am totally happy I was homeschooled K-12.
What actually is true:
I sometimes wonder if going to public school would have given me opportunities I didn’t have & helped me develop skills/strategies to fight my extreme procrastination habit.
2
What everyone thinks is true:
I am a happy, strong, and successful single mom. Baby father and I are still managing a long distance relationship.
What actually is true:
He is a cheater and a liar and never did a single thing to help me with our child. I struggle everyday to be able to feed my child the next and pay for gas to get to work and pay bills.
3
What everyone thinks is true:
That I am smart, confident and love my job and my life.
What actually is true:
I am self conscious all the time. I have an eating disorder and feel fat. I feel like a fraud at work and feel like its only a matter of time before everyone figures it out.
4
What everyone thinks is true:
I didn’t join my Army husband in another country because of my job.
What actually is true:
I didn’t join my Army husband in another country because he cheats on me and abuses me verbally.
5
What everyone thinks is true:
I’m a loving and devoted wife.
What actually is true:
Walking down the aisle I realized I loved the best man more than my groom and my entire honeymoon I spent wishing he was there. We’ve had an intimate affair for over a decade now.
6
What everyone thinks is true:
I’m a confident single father who is stern but loving, and I just need to find a new wife.
What actually is true:
I’m frazzled, exhausted and worried my kids will grow up and hate me, because I’m too strict and I’m really gay.
7
What everyone thinks is true:
I got pregnant with my fiance and that was the reason we got married so quickly.
What actually is true:
I got pregnant from someone else and even my fiance doesn’t know.
8
What everyone thinks is true:
That I no longer have feelings for my ex-wife.
What actually is true:
I miss her and I still love her. It’s scary how often I’m tempted to leave the kids with my mom and take off with her somewhere far away.
9
What everyone thinks is true:
We have worked things out.
What actually is true:
He often calls me a bitch softly enough that only I can hear. He is passive aggressive and I am miserable and lonely.
10
What everyone thinks is true:
I’m the rock for my friends to lean on: always there for them when they need something and never wavering myself.
What actually is true:
I’ve survived 6 suicide attempts and several close calls with ODing to make it to 21, and couldn’t be less sure of anything than that I’m any good.
11
What everyone thinks is true:
I’m a happy, easy going Christian and a reliable friend
What actually is true:
I’m bi-sexual, I’ve always known, but I’m afraid to tell my family for fear of rejection. I hate living a lie.
12
What everyone thinks is true:
I am 100% straight.
What actually is true:
I kissed a girl and I liked it. If given the chance I would explore my sexuality a lot more thoroughly, but I am faithful to my spouse.
13
What everyone thinks is true:
I am really good at knitting.
What actually is true:
I’m not. I buy sweaters and hats and give them as gifts and tell others I knitted them.
14
What everyone thinks is true:
My husband and I are happy living where we are (close to his family).
What actually is true:
We desperately want to move out of this part of the country and only stay because his mom has guilted us into staying nearby.
15
What everyone thinks is true:
I’m just another 20-something girl waiting for the right guy to come along.
What actually is true:
I’m a 22-year-old never-been-kissed virgin that has only been on one date, which was three years ago. I crave affection and physical touch every day.
Continued on next page.
#44 I can relate. My husband refuses to touch me or have sex with me and it has been 12 years. I'm still seething about it.
Number 15, you're not alone. I could have written that exact thing.
#32, you're going to be sad when you find out the kids are old enough and he's still not going to leave his wife. Find a guy who is not married.
#1, chances are public school wouldn't have changed your procrastination. It didn't do anything for me.
The truth box is one of the things I look forward to each week. It's so reassuring to see that I'm not all alone in the world. We're all quietly and bravely fighting our own battles and this is one of the places I really feel like I can find people who might be able to understand that. Thanks again for such a great idea Dan and thank you to everyone who shares their deepest secrets.
Wow. Glad Sara could come so far down here off her high horse to grace us with her thoughtful comment. Sheesh.
this goes to show me, that you can never really know someones ability to be understanding and supportive when you are finally able to confide in them.10 times out of 10 they have a secret just as heavy to bear as yours. This blog post really shines a bright light on that. THANK YOU to all of you that have shared. your stronger then you give yourself credit.
#9
GET OUT OF THAT MARRIAGE
This is abuse. Do not stay with him. Especially not "for the kids"--you want them to think this is normal and healthy?
What he's doing is part of the classic abuse pattern: 1st, drag you down and make you feel worthless; 2nd, start hitting you because you "made him mad because you're such a bitch"
GET OUT
GET OUT NOW!
@Sara Ruiz, i feel like your comment is rude and inconsiderate. a lot of people struggle every day and sometimes it takes COURAGE for them just to get out of bed. Disregarding someones pain as a lack of courage is ignorant.
Our secrets may not be exactly the same -- or we may find that they are so much like us that it's frightening -- but we are not alone. May we find peace, comfort, and strength in our shared struggles and shared hope!
These are so intense. It is both nice to know that I am not alone, and sad to know that there are others out there who have suffered some of the same things I have. And for so many -- my heart aches for their pain and sadness, and at the same time I'm glad I don't share that particular burden. Wishing love and peace to all.
Is it sad that i can't even find the truth box? The lies continue for me haha
This reminds me of one of my favorite chapters in a book by Elizabeth Lesser, called The Open Secret. Rumi wrote about it even back in his time - bottom line is we all struggle and we all suffer and hiding that makes our suffering all the worse. The passage is online at http://www.oprah.com/spirit/The-Open-Secret/1
#7... I have another perspective to your situation. Please consider telling your spouse. My mother got pregnant with me and never told my father. She told me when I was 13, old enough, she thought, for me to handle the truth, and keep her secret. I can tell you a few things. It has completely ruined our relationship, I am no longer close to my mom, I feel the lie was unfair to everyone and I no longer trust her. My dad died two years ago, and I wrote him a letter telling him the truth. It was buried with him, and that is my closure. Also, his entire family thinks I am part of them, and I'm not... and because they are Native American, it matters. I am now keeping her secret from them still, but I may not always. I try to remind myself she was doing the best she knew how at the time, but it still devastated me, and the consequences are far reaching even still, and I'm nearly 40.
No
I wish there were a 'like' button for some of these. These are wonderful confessions!
Behind the mask which outside lies
Is the me beneath I hide behind
Where nothing is quite like it seemsFrustration, sadness in between
the happy posts, and grateful praise
where comments, likes and ^ 5's reign.
I'm sad, I'm hurt, I'm all these things -
yet to you my feelings are but a fling.
The mask is safe - it builds a wall whereby
in your eyes, I cannot fall.
What if the mask came tumbling down, an in my
eyes you see a frown of concern or fear or deep
regret ? If you look close , you'll see it - yet
the mask goes up and hides the pain of sadness
so it cannot reign
the minutes, days or nights of life - but wait - stop!
Is that right ?
Is the mask I wear today, the woman from whom you'll walk away
or she is someone from my past - a woman who - no, please don't ask.
Let me remove the mask I wear, and live my life my heart to bare - I will
be open, honest, true - for the mask I wear, I see in you. Remove the walls,
embrace the pain, enjoy the growth , no more disdain...for myself, my choices, my progress, my lies - my mask is gone. No more to hide.
These all make me sad. :(
I love reading these; it helps to realize that we aren't that different from others.
Submitted my own secret yesterday. Reposting to my wall stirred some interesting conversations with my friends.
Linda even those who laugh and are the happiest have dark secrets they hide from people. I dont believe people when they say they have NO secrets. Thats bs imo. Everyone has things they dont like or hide from others. To tout yourself as this "perfect" person isnt healthy for others or yourself. All it shows is that you are still lying to yourself. I hope one day you will forego the "Unicorns and rainbows" and be true to yourself.
LOVE THESE!
they tend to depress and scare me.
yes!
Isn't it amazing how our truths are as common as the lies we tell ourselves and others!!
All of these were so sad ..it really makes you think....people may appear one way on the outside ,but on the inside they may be pleading for help or a shoulder to cry on..we all must be mindful how we treat strangers because we really don't know what others are going through.
#13 made me laugh out loud. I know that is someones dirty little secret that they probably feel really weird about, but I thought it was hilarious. I would love to be that person's friend. Then we could go shopping and find the ugliest sweaters in the world and tell people she made them so they would have to pretend to like it.
@Annie That one made me laugh out loud too - I love your ugly-sweater idea! :)
The posts that say what "Everyone thinks is true" mostly say "others" think I have it all together...I wonder, does everyone really think that is true? Do we hold ourselves to a higher standard than others do us? I wonder if these folks that are truly unhappy or unloved or addicted, etc, do they really hide it that well? If you revealed your secret to a friend or family member, would they say "I knew it" or "I wanted to help, but you wouldn't ask"? We may not all have to be so alone!
I had shared my secret that was tearing me up inside, it hasn't been posted yet but there are an awful lot of extremely similar secrets that have been posted and "could" be mine. So glad I am not the only one with fears and doubts over my daily struggles, it also reminds me to smile and be nice to everyone i meet, it may be the only smile they get all day.
#1 -- I feel you. I really do. I was also home schooled K-12, despite the fact that in middle school, feeling lonely and isolated, I *explicitly* asked my parents if I could go to public school. (To add insult to injury, shortly after I graduated, my parents started allowing my younger siblings to decide when and if they wanted to start attending public school.) But my bad habits, including procrastination, are my own, and I have seen similar habits in people who were public schooled, so I don't so much worry about that. However, I do sometimes wonder if I might have been better prepared for the emotional upheavals I faced after leaving the shelter of my parents' filtered schooling, had I been in public school for at least part of my education. In the end, I made my peace with it by realizing that I am who I am, good along with the bad, because of everything that brought me to this point, including my parents' decision to home school me through high school. I met amazing people and had amazing experiences, some in direct connection with the fact that I had a home schooled background. If you can remember some times and people like that, it might help you come to terms with your own frustrations with never having been to public school.
The funny thing about wishing for the other side is you can never experience it. So we romanticize about it being better than where we are or were. If you had had the other side of the coin, things might have been much much worse for you. Only, there is only reality and you can never truely know.
#2, it gets easier, just keep going. You will get there I am a single mother of 4. Fought like hell to get where I am.... Finally found my happiness....
It took me 2 years and still have a rough time.
have you filed for any child support or anything? I wish I could help you I know the emotional roller coaster of it all! sometimes talking to someone helps too. Even just having a total breakdown after the kids are in bed. The next day seems easier
I really and truly DON'T find these depressing. It reminds me every time I read them that we all have something going on and you never know what someone might be dealing with. It reminds me to be kind. It reminds me that no matter how alone I think I am, chances are there is someone right down the street dealing with the same issues. It does amaze me that there is so much fear, so much pain, and so much that people are willing to accept before they will act or ask for help. Thank you again for giving all of us an outlet here! I hope everyone can find the courage and the help they need and deserve. Truly amazing!
#29 Please do not do it. I care...
#53. I think that's me. No. It is me. And the person who's a good friend, but doesn't feel great about themselves...that's me too. I want to have great friends, not have women in town think that having a nervous breakdown means I'm crazy; I am a great friend, but I am not a great friend to myself. I want to have friends that treat me the same way I treat them. I do. But secretly, I'm terrified to lose them, all the time.
I believed my mother and husband (talk about marrying what felt like home!) when they said I was stupid, useless, easily replaced. No one would notice if I'm gone.
I'm afraid that how I feel about me is really how other people feel about me. That maybe, it's the truth.
So many of these mention that their kids are the only thing that keeps them from suicide. I feel the very same way much of the time. I fantasize that when they're grown I'll be able to finally get out of here on my own terms, and that helps me value the time I have with them even more. Sick and wrong, maybe, but honest nonetheless.
@Me Loving your children to the ends of the earth doesn't change the pain you're in now, or how you feel about your life. I don't think it's necessarily sick and wrong; but very sad. You are not, however, alone in those thoughts.
wow...this left me in tears.
My heart goes out to so many of these people. I may not know you people but hugs to those who need it!!
@Heather, I see how you could see it that way and maybe those of us that read are just nosy... but actually... a lot of us have secrets and knowing that we are not alone helps tremendously. Also, through reading these I have realized truths about myself and it's been a tremendous help for a lot of people to take their first steps in realizing their own truths. I do have to admit, he said he would post ALL of them, so I sent him a gross/funny one anonymously to see if he actually posts it lolol
Interesting to know from the comments that some people think of others' desperation as nothing more than "drama," self pity, and a lack of courage. I doubt that kind of encouragement will help a desperately unhappy person feel any better about themselves.
Number 40... You gave me a revelation. Thank you!
Also, for Number 1, if it helps... I went to public school my whole life and it has done absolutely NOTHING to deter my severe procrastination habits, habits that threaten my ability to complete a college degree. It's really bad.
@RoxanneFlores Me too!! I am such a procrastinator and 12 years of public school & 4.5 yrs of public university made no difference! :)
I did not read this post as I follow this blog because it belonged to a "Single Dad Laughing" and on most days embraced life and everyday humor and joy, a person who did not encourage wallowing in self doubt and pity but remembered to enjoy and embrace the good experiences and make us all smile inspite of the tough world.
Number 56 made me cry. Single moms always feel the need to be strong for their kids, but I think we are extremely emotionally vulnerable in reality. I don't think I would ever admit it off the internet!
@Lou Me too. I keep hoping it will get easier. It doesn't.
@Lou
I read the last version and could NOT believe some of the things people hide from the world. To me...if they had just a bit of courage, they would be FREE. I am so glad not to have any secrets from anyone, much less myself. Thank you for making me grateful in a way I had overlooked!