Have you ever found yourself unsure in your current relationship? Unsure of where you want to go next, what you want to do, if you should work harder, or maybe just give up.
I have.
Heck. I’ve been there with my mail carrier and the girl who beeps our cards at the gym.
And I’ve been to enough therapy and relationship classes that I know all sorts of exercises I can do with my partner to work our way through the communication gaps.
One of the most common gaps (for me anyway) is the ability to be completely honest with one another about our own very real needs in the relationship.
Usually the conversation goes something like this.
“But tell me what you actually need.”
“I’m fine with this the way it is.”
“I understand you’re fine with it. But is that what you need in your life right now?”
“I don’t know.”
Meeting the needs of my partner is important to me. I don’t like when I’m with someone and they’re selfless. I really don’t. I want somebody who gives a lot and expects as much as she gives.
There’s a word for someone who only gives and never takes. Doormat. And it sucks just as bad to be the doormat as it does to be the person using it.
And so, no matter what relationship I’m in, the whole “you need, I need” discussion always eventually comes up. A few weeks ago it came up for me.
Discussing it wasn’t really going anywhere. It seemed, to me, that the fear of losing me by being honest was outweighing this particular person’s personal needs.
And then I had this idea. I didn’t know if it would work, but I threw it out there and asked her if she’d try it. “Let’s play the I want, I need” game I told her.
“Okay. How does that work?”
“Simple.” I said. “You just say something you want, and then you say something you need. And they have to be connected somehow.”
I don’t know why it sounded like a good idea. It just made sense to me right then. She told me to start.
I said, “Okay. I want a dog. I need to not have one because I can’t give it the love and attention it deserves when I’m single, working, being a dad, and now going to school on top of all that.” These games always work best when you start out easy.
“Hmmm,” she replied. “Okay. I want another glass of wine right now. I need to not have one because I will be driving.”
You get the idea.
Pretty soon, and just as I hoped, the “I want, I needs” got deeper and deeper. Some of them included things like, “I want to be spending more time with you right now. I need to spend more time with my son instead because I’ve slipped a little in that area lately.”
Or, “I want to let myself fall in love with you. I need to figure out this other pressing matter before I can let myself do that.”
We went back and forth for probably an hour. Some of the things were very personal and it took us to a level that we hadn’t ever been able to achieve just talking or doing other communication exercises.
She was able to tell me some of her very real needs, decide whether they were needs or wants to her, and we were able to discuss if those needs were needs I could help her meet or not. And visa versa. I definitely realized some things that I needed to realize.
I wanted to pretend like those things didn’t matter. I needed to discuss them openly and honestly.
See what I just did there?
Haha.
Anyway, it’s a communication exercise I’d really recommend you try next time you have a hard time getting to the bottom of you and your partner’s wants and needs.
Worked well for us.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. How about you? Do you have any favorite communication exercises/games you like to do? Do you ever struggle trying to figure out the needs and wants of your partner?
PPS. This blog post has also been recorded as a podcast. You know, if you’re into that kind of thing.
I want the spring to come, I need the spring to come! Ok so I'm not getting the concept but still...
This seems like a good idea, although I'm a bit skeptical. It sounds like there's supposed to be a "but" in that sentence. There's a risk that you might feel it natural to make the sentence out to be an explanation about why you're prevented from doing what you want to do, when the reality is that nothing is stopping you other than fear of the unknown. You might talk yourself, or help your partner talk herself, out of something worthwhile.
It seems like this would be a good game to play alone too. Sometimes I'm not sure of what I want or what direction my life should take. But maybe I could trick myself into figuring it out.
I think this takes a good deal of personal understanding and self-reflection to accomplish. If you have a partner who isn't very in touch with their wants/needs you're going to get something like "I want to eat dinner right now. I need you to go cook it."
I think this is a "game" that I need to play with myself first -- so many times, I don't think deeply enough about what I truly need, and this would be a good way to better explore that in my own heart and mind. Thanks for the idea!
Happily married to my wife of 13 years.... Occasionally, we can have some pretty spectacular fights (good way of communicating, sometimes)... we've learned to use a code word when we have had enough. Our code word is "Ice Cream" which we both have agreed is the signal that we both respect to stop and separate until things cool down. It works. Ice Cream because it's something that can't be mistaken for anything else (who fights over ice cream?), plus... it's kinda like "I Scream!". Knowing when to STOP fighting is a huge communication tool. It can keep things from getting to the point when you start saying things you really don't mean.
Good stuff, as always. This is something that everyone can use and relate to which makes it even mo' betta! :)
Thank you for posting this one, Dan -- it's a really good add-on to reflecting/mirroring: takes it to a deep level of introspection for both people, and actually probably really helpful for me today, too! :)
<3
I also use the mirroring technique. It works well when there are communication issues, or in this case, if your "partner"is having difficulty getting you to understand what they are trying to tell you. You listen intently to them without interrupting, and then you say to them... "This is what I heard you say. Is that correct? " It has been invaluable in correcting assumptions and working collaboratively.
That's a great idea. :)
Great idea ~ now if I could only get him to talk. :)
Clever! I think we could all use this!
Good read, Dan; keep the inspiration coming.
I want to do this with my boyfriend. I need to remember that I also have to be honest with myself when doing so!
That is a great idea. It's easier to think about "needs" when you give them a context...and it's easier to talk about wants because they are more lighthearted than a need - even if they are important, deeper level wants. Needs are kind of non-negotiable so they are much scarier to talk about.
Great post except that some people truly like using others as doormats. They see themselves as entitled to do so.
Well now I'm really confused. Just a few weeks ago you came out. Now your in a relationship with a her! Did you change your mind? No offense intended but I'm old and not sure I understand what's going on.
@bobbieland He's bi. He likes both :)
@bobbieland He didn't come out as gay - he came out as bi-sexual so being in a relationship with a woman makes sense.
Thanks Dan! Great idea! I've wanted to find a way to talk about these things lately myself. Now I need to try this! :)
This post was timed perfectly for me! I just had a huge fight with my husband about feeling like a doormat and he tried to fix it but only made it worse. I love the idea of the "want and need" game, this could really help us out and maybe help him understand why I feel this way.
We do an altered version of this with our toddler. It's great in stopping the 'I wants'.
I don't think I would label all givers as "doormats". Some people are just selfless. They find great joy in giving to others and their needs and wants are few. My mother was an example of this. She truly was content no matter her circumstances. Even when she was so sick and worn out from battling breast cancer she was still giving. A doormat she was not. If she felt something wasn't right she would not support it. She went above and beyond to help others out of love not out of guilt or being bullied. She could seldom be bribed. She was given what she needed because she gave what was needed.
Me? I just tell my husband what I want and need. Straight up. If I let him guess he gets it wrong more often than not. Five years into this marriage he knows me well.
@Lucy1 I totally agree, I had a second of disbelief when I read that sentence. But I remembered it's Dan's blog and his thoughts. I don't always have to agree.
@weeezie2000 @Lucy1 True that it's Dan's blog but he is always open to his readers thoughts. That is one thing I really like about him.
@Lucy1 @weeezie2000 Oh, I absolutely agree with you!!
Okay, that was awesome.
This is a very good idea! Thanks for sharing, sir!
Great idea!
A good way to communicate. If both participated.
I don't know why, but this game felt like a swimming class. - you start out in the shallow waters and then eventually lead to the deeper section. Best relationship advice ever!
This would work great for people in long-time relationships as well because people change over time and what we want and need when the relationship started may not be the same as the needs and wants now. Thanks Dan!
I just asked a very similar question of my best friend. "What do you need from me as a friend?"
Excellent idea.
I may try ...
Great idea. And very real, which is something a lot of us really need. Thanks SDL!
This would be awesome, if I could get my partner to talk at all. :)
I think this is a great idea. Wish I could get it to work for me. >.<