Tiny Fist in the Wind

Beautiful, and very relatable.

This is wonderful, THANK YOU.  It describes myself and my life right now completely.  I know what i need to do but just can't give up...thank you.

Cried my eyes out from pretty much the 3rd line of this poem. Thank you for sharing this. So many people told me not to marry my ex, but I did it anyway. Like your friend, I knew I could prove them wrong. But I didn't. I almost had the strength to leave 5 years into it, but I didn't. Then we had a child and for a long time I just couldn't break up her family. She deserved to have her family in tact. Then I realized that I want so much more for my daughter, just like my mom wanted so much more for me, and the best way for her to know what she is worth and know what she deserves, is for me to SHOW her by expecting the same from my husband. I haven't found Mr. Right yet, but I'm working on it.

Please tell your friend that she has so much to offer this world and that she DESERVES to be happy. It's not about proving anyone right or wrong anymore. It's about her being happy. Divorce is scary. Going out on your own is scary. Dating is scary. There are so many unknowns. But I personally have found so many TREASURES in the unknown. Good luck to her. With a friend like you (and I'm sure she has many more) she can do anything.  

UGH...here I sit crying for your friend.  I was that girl...it's almost unsettling how much the words in this reflect the path my life careened down in my chase to be "perfect", to prove the broken marraiges of my family wrong...to make everyone see I could do it right, I could make it stick.  The mask I so firmly placed upon my heart each day...

I remember all too clearly the moment, in the shower with tears rolling off my face faster than the water...gasping for air for the the feeling of suffocating...that my life was squeezing the breath out of my body and the only place I could really breathe was behind a door, and yet another door, with water surrounding me as safety...where no mirrors could reflect the painful truth in my eyes.  Knowing that I had to take that terrifying step forward, the one I had played over and over in my mind and talked myself out of time and time again.  That my child was old enough to see the brokeness, that she was questioning my tears and fearful she might catch me unraveling. 

Praying for your friend! That she finds the peace I finally found in letting go of the "perfection" and embracing a life worth breathing in. 

Thank you for sharing this!

you have no Idea how much this touched my heart. It was honestly like your wrote it for me. It's wonderful, your words are beautiful and although I know it wasn't technically for me THANK YOU anyways.

This made me cry.

Beautiful! Thank you for sharing. This rings so true for so many people.

That was amazing!!! It made me cry!!! I hope your friend finds her happiness!!!

Thank you

Beautiful

Thanks, Dan... once again, your post has me bawling my eyes out.  Your friend's marriage and the struggle with whether to end it or not resonates with me, because there was a lot that you touched on that resembled how I felt way back when I was married. There had been many times during the 8 years I was married that I wanted to leave my husband... oh so many times... However, I didn't have the financial ability to do so, and I had ZERO self-worth due to his abusing me physically and emotionally throughout our time together.  He finally did the one thing that granted me my freedom from him... that gave me the strength of soul to move out.  Our daughter was 7 when I left him.  I had always played referee so that he wouldn't do to her what he did to me.  Thankfully, he moved far, far away as soon as she turned 18, and hasn't been back to the US since - not even when she got married 5 years ago. 

Having been raised and married in the Catholic faith, the day I filed for divorce devastated me (even though we'd been separated for over a year at that point).  I'd failed.  I'd broken my vows by not sticking with it through "better or worse".  I sobbed pretty much non-stop for 4 days.   Should I ever marry again, it won't be in a Catholic church, even though I did get my marriage annulled.  The guilt I beat myself up with for having failed to maintain my vows is something I never want to experience again.

This is my story except in the end as I am still standing shaking my fist in the wind. I'm too scared to leave and break out on my own. One day I hope my story is like the one in the poem. And wow, that all rhymes and that was not done intentionally. LOL

Beautiful. Minus the children, this feels like it resembles the past almost 10 years of my life. I recently had to become strong and come to the conclusion that being married to my ex-husband was suffocating the life out of me. It was the most scary but liberating, and life-changing experience of my life. The end result has been positive. He and I are still friends; living as how we should. 
I never wanted to get divorced after marriage. I wanted to break the cycle of broken marriages in my own family. However, in my case, divorce saved me from resigning myself to trying to make something work that I was the only one interested in. There were so many signs, and I ignored them all because of the person I was at the time. Fear paralyzed me. 
I was concerned over my decision...that I was "giving up". In reality, I feel that the decision I made showed that I became the strongest one in the "relationship". I became the strongest one because I finally decided that enough was enough (for the both of us) and regardless of worry of who would "look bad"...I did it. It was the most difficult decision that ever happened in my life, and it was the second decision that I made without input from family or friends. A truly liberating thing for me.
I'll always love him, but I can't say that I will love the person he became. My hope is that someday he'll either find a way to get through the darkness that clouds his soul, and find peace. I'm going to shine my light out there, and reassure my friends that I am "back". Because I am. 5 months from the decision to the finalization of the divorce on paper (which, really...our marriage ended so long ago...I just didn't accept it.)...5 crazy, blissful, difficult, challenging months...and I can breathe again.

Wow.  This mirrored my emotions and a large part of my life for the past six years -  down to the birth of my son last year and the end of my marriage shortly after.  A marriage is a partnership, and when the other partner stops trying, there's nothing you can do.  I know that feeling of "failure" you described, and I hope your friend is able to truly be kind to herself.  She deserves happiness.

It is so hard to live like that. I think too many of us have. But the immense happiness and freedom to be happy once you are finally alone and away from that situation is one of the most empowering things that you can feel. :) It can and will only get better! I'm living proof!!

I "liked" this, but I don't really... The poem is amazing, but the need for it isn't :(

I remember going through this... sometimes you've gotta do what you've gotta do rather than live someone else's ideal.

Dan, thank you so much for sharing your poem, and also for reading it. There were nuances that I caught in your reading that I missed while reading it for the first time myself. I don't know your friend's marriage, As a person who has always been single, but has watched my sisters' marriages, I have learned that no one who is not in a marriage can truly know what that marriage is like. I would not encourage divorce in general, and I don't think you would or are, either. But some marriages/relationships become so destructive to the people in them that they really need to end. It sounds you have reason to fear that your friend is in one of those, or maybe she has recently left one of those, and needs affirmation that she has done the right thing for herself and her kids by leaving.

Whatever the case, you are a good friend to have, and this blog post is clearing helping so many people. As all of your posts seem to do. Whatever the case, your friend and others in similar situations are now in prayers.

Sometimes, it's good to be the rock that will not be moved. But sometimes, a rock that will not be moved just becomes a sitting target for erosion. With enough erosion, even a rock can be destroyed. Sometimes, a rock had better move. Thanks for teaching me that today.

My comment gets deleted but Nathan's doesn't? Nice, Facebook.

Wonderful poem Dan!  There are too many of us out here who have married the wrong person, only to regret it a short while later.  At first, my ex was "Mr. Mom" when he wasn't working, which turned out to be quite often.  He was attentive, loving, caring.  Until after I had our first child together and suffered severe Post Partum Depression.  He took my withdrawl from life as rejection and used that to justify cheating....with 7 other women over the next 9 years.  I couldn't trust anything he said was the truth, because it turned out he is a compulsive liar.  I felt trapped...was miserable.  And then my eyes opened and I realized that while it would be hard to raise 3 boys alone, I COULD do it.  After I asked him to leave, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders.  I laughed shortly after that for the first time in forever and the sound of it shocked my children into silence.  I am now married to a wonderful man who loves me unconditionally and I trust wholeheartedly, and he loves my children.  For whomever this poem was written, please know that while you feel trapped, you CAN get out.  It's better for your children to come from a broken home than a broken life.    

WOW...just WOW!

Amazing, this leaves me speechless.

Oh Dan, what a beautiful poem. I also shook my fist and demanded I would make my first marriage work, damn all the reasons it absolutely shouldn't. And one day,I realized my daughter deserved better. I realized that I would be a much better person, a much better mother, if I were not married to her father. I swallowed my fist shaking pride, did all I could to dispel my fears, and took a leap of faith. Ten years later, though I walked through rough waters, I'm so so glad I took that leap. I'm so glad I was able to look upon my failed marriage and see it for what it truly was. I'd rather be imperfect in divorce than imperfect in a horrible marriage. And 10 years later, I'm married to a wonderful man. My very best friend. We have two beautiful boys. He loves my daughter, and I am so so thankful that I found the courage to walk away. It's so hard, but so often, the things we fear are easier to face than we think. It's the walking away that is so hard, but once I got past that part...god I was so free, I felt like running.

Dude, stop reading my mind!!!  It's crazy--every word of this poem could be me, except I made it a full 4 days into my marriage before realizing it was a horrible mistake.  Kept working, praying, and trying to "figure it out" for 17 years before I finally let go and let God catch me before I hit the ground.  And He did.  Life IS hard as a single mom.  I don't know what I'm doing half the time, I'm filing bankruptcy, and I'm tired.  But every day I am SO thankful that my life and even my problems are REAL, not the charade I lived for so long.  And even though I'm careful not to put down my ex in front of the kids, I can raise them the way I want to, without having to present a united front with their dad who opposes almost everything I think is decent and good.

Like so many others, this poem hit close to home for me. I was in a loveless marriage for 11 years and never should have been. One child and two houses later I finally left when she took her anger out on me physically. It was the worst and the best day of my life all rolled into one. Fast forward almost six years and life is still far from perfect, but it is manageable. Tell your friend that you will always have her back and give her a big hug. She will get through this.

This poem is beautiful. It seemed as though it were written for me. And though it is beautiful, it also hurts my gut..but my gut has been hurting so much lately..for so many years. And I do feel trapped. I have felt trapped for years..and I have littles...and I have no career any longer...and I have no savings..and I have a lot of debt..and I have no where to turn. And no one to turn to. And as much as I want to believe all the comments that will say it gets better and it can be gotten through..I just don't. Not now and haven't and so I remain paralyzed and alone...and miserable. Losing more of myself every day. Failing myself and my littles, every day. And I don't mean to sound pathetic, but I am desperate and this post helped me reach out. Speak out. Even if it is anonymous. 

I am not sure what make me cry more, the wonderful poem of truth or the shared hard truth comments! Cheers to all have a happy weekend.

I've been very busy with video games and school work (okay and maybe a movie) so I just now saw this and I love it. I think this is something that EVERYONE is afraid of happening, but right now the divorce rate is over 50% I believe... and I think another 30ish percent are just living in hell to keep it together.

Honestly? I think marriage isn't really necessary. What is necessary is that the child or children are loved and not in an environment that is constantly hostile and negative. I personally know people who have grown up around unhappy parents and they are pretty emotionally shut down, withdrawn about feelings. Glad I missed the convo down there, actually I don't think I'd really have much to say about it because that person is clearly a nut.

I hope your friend finds the solace she needs.

There comes a point in the lives of many, when they cannot simply continue living their lives according to the expectations of others. To me the situation felt as though to stagnate in my marriage would be the death of my own identity, my own SELF. Often people tell themselves that they must try for the sake of the children or family members, but this really does not benefit the children as much as it could harm them or teach them to settle for a life they do not want. The human condition naturally seeks to achieve fulfillment and one cannot do that if they stuff themselves into a box built to please everyone else or to give the appearance of perfection. If we never experience failure, how can we learn, and how can we appreciate the successes fully? Anais Nin stated it very well, "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." I hope your friend will cast off her ideas of perfection in the eyes of others and allow herself to blossom. :)

This is exactly right, no truer words have I ever read...I think this may be my new all time favorite poem... I ♥ This

You've captured exactly what so many of us have gone through. It's our children who motivate us to seek a better life, when we wouldn't normally do it for ourselves. Thank you. 

It is rare...very rare, that a poem can touch in me such raw emotion. This is so very real for so many. Your friend is not alone. I heard my own voice in the "couldn't give up. Wouldn't give up." The emphatic. "This will never happen to me or my children." I lived for years in an abusive marriage with the 'never give up' mantra. It's terrifying to admit when we make mistakes, but it is through these mistakes that we can know the freedom of self discovery. It's incredible the freedom we find when we embrace the void that is the unknown. I know your friend will find peace. This struggle is part of her process, as struggles bring us to a place of clarity. I am sharing a link to my own blog. I hope it helps. http://intuitivecloset.blogspot.ca/2012_05_01_archive.html

Wow.  Just wow.  Tell your friend that so many of us can testify that it does get better.  It's scary.  It's worth it.  Those kids are worth it.  She is worth it.  I was worth it.  

POWERFUL stuff. Super powerful.

OH   MY   GOD!! I am a teacher and reading this while in a class. I want to cry - I want to shout that this is EXACTLY what is and has been going on since the day I married (maybe even before). Today is the first day of marriage counseling for my husband and I and he has made it perfectly clear it is beneath him. The winds are changing! Thank you.

yes...exactly.

Wow. I was finally able to sit and take in the entire poem. That was/is me as well. I knew after 9 months I'd made a terrible mistake. I "had" to make it work. I couldn't "fail." Not again. Nine months has turned into 15 years, and the tiny fist is actually that of my step-son, a not so tiny 16 year old fist. He's proud of me for the steps I've taken so far, for standing up for myself, but I still have such a long way to go.....

This was my second marriage. After 8 years I ended the pain...and I struggled, and so many times wished I could take it back. I didn't. Today? I couldn't be happier. I'm what my son calls an old lady now, lol, but I feel 30. I have real love, and while I may have found it late in life, I DID find it. Never, ever settle. My 2cents.

Beautiful poem.  Wish it didn't take the love of my children to MAKE me love myself enough and them enough to push through the fear and do the right thing.  If I had only known then what I know now, but regret is about as helpful as a handful of sand.  I hope your friend can find the answers she needs and can find some peace.

I was there for 13 years. I married a man I thought was so great, quickly to find out he wasn't. But I thought it was too late, so I had children thinking it would make it better, but it didn't. I stayed until I knew I was able to support my kids and then I left, unsure of my future, but so relieved and happy! Since, I have met an INCREDIBLE man and had I known this is what marriage was suppose to be like I would have never settled all those years ago! Your happiness is the most important thing and you can make it through anything if you just believe!!!

Tears for sure. The way you put those words together is nothing short of pure talent. Thank you for sharing, I forwarded this to someone that is walking into an attorney's office this very morning. I hope it helps her as she makes this decision.

Thank you. That was beautiful. I lived that too. And got out. Then continued to fight for my children. Attorneys, custody evaluations that cost tens of thousands of dollars-- I never thought I would be free. And I prayed I had made the right choice. Sometimes life was bleak. Sometimes it was joyous. But I knew I made the right choice when my grown daughter broke off her engagement. We were shocked. We had thought he was so great. Until she shared with us the abuse he had been secretly putting her through. And she said thank you to me. She said she might not have been able to break free if it hadn't been for my example. Deep breath. Love. Without fear. It's worth it. Thank you Dan, for having the courage to speak up for us.

wow. tears. you really hit the proverbial nail on the head.

My heart is still pounding from hearing your podcast.  I am relating to this right now, except from a man's point of view.  11 years of denying myself of who I am just to keep a marriage going.  My heart is heavy but libertated at the same time.  

OMG Dan, you nailed it!  I did exactly the same thing 43 years ago--but I was too strong to stay.  Four years and two babies later, both in diapers, one under each wing, I fled the coup!  In all the years since, I have never regretted leaving Mr. Wrong! However, just a few short months after leaving, it hit me like a ton of bricks that my "correct future" had been wasted.

  Because I saw myself as damaged goods I then allowed, sequentially, one after another Mr. Even Wronger into my life because I so strongly believed a) I wasn't whole without a mate b) my children deserved a "father".  I have sincerely apologized to my now grown children, who have forgiven me (mostly) but a great deal of damage was done along the way because I resented my parents for pushing me in the wrong direction.  It's a vicious way to live with yourself!  It does not generate happiness within or without.

Your poem nails the thought process, the fear process, the process of destroying what was once a very beautiful self image.  My heart goes way out to your friend. Please give her a BIG ((HUG)) from me.

Dan, 

I have been following you for a couple of days now and I have been reading back on some of your old post and you intrigue me.  Listening to this poem is making me cry and weep because this was my life 4 years ago.  I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years. Not only did he beat me, but he beat my son.  I felt like such a failure as a mother because I allowed that to happen.  I got out of that relationship in 2010. But it was too late by then.  He beat my son so bad that he had bruises all over his little body.  I hated myself for that for the longest time.  Hearing this poem makes me think back to that time, but also reminds me that I am not a failure as a mother, I have had a better life since leaving him. My 6 year old son has caught me crying on numerous occasions.  I never had an answer for him, when he asked Why? No I do because of this poem. Thank  you for this poem.  It's like you wrote it for me.  Still struggling with my past, but I'm getting through it easier every day. Thank you for being you.

Wow. That was beautiful. I hope your friend is ok, give her big hugs :)

That was beautiful!

Now lets hear it from the husbands perspective ;)