A couple weeks ago, I had a kind-of-once-was-a friend over for the evening. She’d been having a rough go of things lately and I wanted to show her a fun night away from all the stresses and craziness of life. Seems easy enough, right?
The problem was, every two minutes she was bringing up something that was driving her nuts. She ranted and whined about her sister, and her mom, and her best friend, and the guy she was crushing on, and the guy she was crushing on, and a couple different co-workers, and her sister again, and some old woman at her church who just thought she was so this or that or aaaggghhhh.
And nothing she was raging about was anything that was any of my business. And it wasn’t any of her business either. Looking at her from the outside it was so easy to see why she was so miserable.
I wanted to take her by the shoulders and scream, “get your nose out of the places it doesn’t belong! You’ll be so much happier!” Instead I finally and politely said, “don’t you think that you might be a little less annoyed with everyone if you worried about you and not about the things that really have nothing to do with you?”
Ummm… yeah. That night I learned that people who have their noses completely buried in other people’s businesses, don’t like it very much when people like me tell them to pull out. She looked at me in disbelief, then burst out, “and this is coming from a guy who likes other guys.”
Okay, I lied. That was the G-Rated version of what she blurted.
Maybe I’m a jerk, but I saw no point in carrying on the evening, so I invited her to use the door after that. I’m sure she’s telling others about that half-gay heathen that bla bla bla right about now. Haha. Anyway, the next day I sat down and I wrote this list. Half of it, at least, came from my conversations with her that night. The other half came from either things I’ve caught myself doing, or that have annoyed me in the past.
20 Things That Ain’t None of Your Business
The older I get the more I tend to get judgey about what other people do. But at the same time I am learning to stay out of it all. So what that means is that I am in a near constant struggle with myself and I never know which me is going to win.
I have a problem with number 11. I think if anyone does what the mom did when she started stripping onstage at her kids elementary school....her wardrobe should be criticized Or rather her ever decreasing wardrobe. But I think that might be about it.
Oh side note: I had a great mental image of you in nothing but tighty whities (or however you spell that) doing a really bad stripper thrust with dollar bills sticking out. Awesome lol.
This was fun to read. As a mental health therapist, people bring these very issues to me ALL THE TIME, often in the form of questioning themselves based on others' questioning of them. The top ones seem to be belief in marriage, belief in having kids (or not), how to parent them, and the general idea of keeping up with others (money, time, beliefs, etc). We are so over-nosy as a society that we find ourselves lost, so wrapped up in others that we're not even aware of what WE ourselves actually want. Great post.
This is great! For years I always found myself worrying about other people's business out of my own securities. Then I realized I have my own life to worry about and to make sure it's what I want it to be. I just wish everyone else would have this ah-ha moment also.
In defense of nosiness, noticing things about your family, friends, and acquaintances isn't a bad thing in and of itself. It's pretty much inevitable, and has a lot of positive uses. The problem is judging people for those things, and gossiping about that information or otherwise betraying the trust people place in you.
Great. now if I can politely get my MIL to read this then maybe our relationship can start mending.
I'm late to the game on this but sheesh... This makes me think of my mom somewhat. She is often complaining about people and the things they do and it drives me nuts. I am now paranoid of becoming my mom and I used to be more like her until I realized that bitching and moaning over other people's decisions in life was a waste of time and made me feel miserable. It makes me miserable when my mother does it and I feel sad for her. She often tries to drag me into the discussion too and it's hard to spend time with her sometimes when she is in that mode because I don't want to participate and she gets her feelings hurt so easily.
@KaraDokos I feel you. My mom does this too. And when I tell her not to mind their businesses so that she won't become stressed or bothered, she gets angry with me. I hate it that she has to be a running commentary on what everyone else is doing wrong.
To SDL, THANK YOU for this post.
THANK YOU!!! I want to email this list to my in laws and ask them to please read it every day when they are up at 5:00 a.m. and are finding new ways that my husband and I are bad parents for letting the kids sleep in on weekends and stay up past 8:30. Now my 16 year old daughter is giggling and telling me she is going to wear her grunge clothes to the big family Easter Extravaganza and talk about getting things pierced just to make me laugh uncontrollably instead of hiding a bottle of booze in my purse and chugging it between lectures and chicken and dressing. Somewhere along the line, everything has become everyone else's business and I appreciate someone stepping up and saying enough! Love your blog and think you are fairly awesome. Keep up the good work and stay happy. :) BTW.....I have to tell you, as a school employee at an elementary school.....well, the speedo and army helmet would be an interesting change from some of the crazy outfits we see come in some days. I always appreciate it when someone makes my day a little brighter at school.
Dan ~ I think you're brilliant! I LOVE this list and you are SPOT ON with every one. I try to not read other people's comments about things because some are worthless (e.g. "This is stupid") or so judgmental that it makes my head spin. I think that intelligent responses are great, but the others are a waste of my time and often make my blood pressure rise. I hope that many people read this and recognize themselves where they should. I recognized 2 things I do wrong in my relationship with my daughter and I'm going to fix that right now. I try to be courteous, kind, non-judgmental and respectful of others, but being human there is always improvement to be made. You are really brilliant and hilarious; what a fantastic combination! One thing though... I have this picture in my mind of you in a Speedo, wearing boots. Arrrrgh! Big hug...
Lard cigarettes soaked in booze? Just where do you get your ideas? LOL
I was just talking to one of my friends last night about who I was dating, because he saw my relationship status change on Facebook. He had previously made a comment about my boyfriend being a good person, but apparently now that I am with him, he is "weird and creepy and kinda dumb". I don't care how good of friends we are, you have no business saying that about the person I am with, even if you somehow think you know him better than I do, which there is no way this guy does because they weren't really friends anyway. It is not someone else's job to keep you from getting hurt when there is no real danger there to begin with. If you see me with more bruises than normal, or if I am acting differently than normal, that is when you should be concerned. But my friend is someone that doesn't get along with most people anyway, so he is not one to really tell me who I should or should not like anyway, because he doesn't approve of many people.
I especially like Number 13. I've been the target of a few people who took exception to something I did. Instead of asking me about it, they got on their blog and posted how they knew so much better and would not make the same kind of stupid mistake I made. They were "unfriended" immediately, and I maintain no contact with them at all. I don't need that in my life. Oh, sure. I could go on and on about how they're failing to take care of their own problems, but....It's NONE of my business. Wish they would see that my failures are none of theirs. Good riddance to them.
Incidentally, would you mind if I shared some of your points on my FaceBook as long as I cite you and give the link to your blog?
Just out of curiosity, since I only occasionally look at blogs with comments, do they ALL degenerate into political name-calling? Seems like some sort of social physics in action where entropy is political bickering :)
I promise to make every attempt not to nag you about any of those 20 things. But since they're none of my business, I'll probably amuse myself by THINKING about them ;)
I was very glad that there was the addition at the end to only talk about this stuff if they other person wants you to or asks you about your opinion, because i was wondering what should people actually be talking about when crossing all these topics of their list. In general I think it's not a question of whether one can talk about certain topics but HOW you talk about them how you pick your words... carefully... not like the women you had your encounter with, who just seems to hate herself and everyone else in the process...
Apparently, you should have included "get your nose out of other people's food stamps"!
I usually agree right with you but as a teacher, I will butt into your parenting if it is affecting your kid at school. Or if it affecting other kids at school. I love your child almost as much as you do and only want the best for them.
THANK YOU!!!! Caring is different than being nosy!
1. Eating of mushrooms is DEFINITELY a reason you need to have someone intervene.
2. Dieting and exercise is so different for everyone. Some of us have different metabolisms and health problems that make it difficult. So what works for one person may NOT work for your friend/family/etc.
3. Friends are allowed to ask things like are you making sure you're being safe and if you're happy when it comes to your sex life. Beyond that, no discussion unless the other person volunteers, judging is not allowed.
4. Style opinions are only allowed on the job when it's directly effecting the work environment. Like cleavage and butt cracks do open it up to questioning.
5. Opinions on relationships should only be voiced if that relationship is causing harm to your friend. Concern is allowed, but be aware of the friendship and situation you're choosing to bring it up in. If a friend asks your opinion, give it, if they don't see the above!
Any chance you'd reformat so I can print these out? Love them and would like a copy posted at my desk and at my house.
LOVE
I love this list. I would like to add....Get your nose out of other people's feelings. People feel how they feel. You can try to cheer them up, make them smile, laugh, give them advice (if they ask for it), etc. Just DON'T tell someone that they have no right to feel sad, lonely, angry, etc. Everyone feels like this sometimes and it just makes them more angry or upset when someone tells them to just stop feeling like that or "just be happy." People are always telling me that I should stop "looking for a man" and just be happy and thankful for what I have. Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for what I have but that doesn't mean that I don't have a right to be unhappy or lonely or complain about bad/unfair things that happen to me or be upset when someone is unkind to me. Just because I have a child, job, home, car, and am not starving does not mean that I have to be happy all the time. I am me and my feelings are mine....no one else controls how I feel or how I should feel. It drives me nuts that people think they have a right to stick their nose into my life and tell me how I should feel. Like I can just turn it on or off like that.
best thing i've read in a long time. and I completely A agree. :)
The world is an odd place to be sometimes, Tootsi. I remember when my kids were small, my neighbors were complaining about this guy driving around our neighborhood asking our kids if they saw his puppy..perv anyone? Nobody confronted this guy..when we heard, we went after him and told him to get out of our neighborhood..he gave us the puppy story and we said great..ask ADULTS about your dog not children..he disappeared fast. Nobody else said anything to him because they didn't want to cause waves..sheesh..it is our CHILDREN we are talking about! There are times when you intervene and that is one of them..I think we are on the right path of when to stand back and when to interfere..<3
I read the preface, but I have to go back and read the 20 things ..I skipped right down to the comments because I wanna say something to you ..RIGHJT NOW..I do NOT know where you find these people! I , for one, would LOVE to be your friend and hang out and have fun with you and your equally crazy sister :) ...and yet , as Im sure you have alot of great friends...it seems some of them suck and dont deserve you in the first place. You are an amazing , smart, funny guy Dan..you can be more selective. Now Im gonna go back to the rest of the post..<3
deniseraelene: I am very happy about that, personally. However, I didn't know what to think based on what you posted until you clarified it - which sort of proves my point about saying "those people" because the person I am talking to could mean anything whatsoever, but usually means they are hooked on a huge generalization. I couldn't tell because I don't know your reference point. So in your comment, what you were saying is that "I don't automatically assume that a person accepting public aid is doing anything to abuse the system." I hope I got that right now!
@LouiseVanHine haha - yes, you've got it right. I received public assistance for a short period, about 20 years ago. I think I used it the way it was supposed to be used - as a helping hand so I could better myself. I believe that many people who are on public assistance are using the programs the right way; unfortunately, those who abuse the system give everyone a bad name.
deniseraelene - you wrote "Please don't think I'm one of those people. When my oldest son was little, I was on public assistance. His father refused to pay child support and I needed to go back to college to get a decent job." There are no "those people." There is only the assumption that anyone who accepts an EBT food stamp card or TANF is stealing from 'decent hard working taxpayers' and have to be 'those people' (put your prejudice and bigotry on flagrant display.) The one I saw on a rabid rant on someone's FB page the other day was "Those b*tches just can't keep their legs closed for a passing squirt (yeah isn't it vulgar? the sexism, the condemnation, and the dehumanization is truly disgust-inspiring) just so they can suck up all MY tax money for their anchor brats and teach them how to milk the system" - no this is not a made up example: 'concerned citizens looking so far into other people's wallets that they reach the sex organs, ethnic affiliation or background, religion, and private acts in private homes, as if there were no other rights enshrined in the American constitution except the right of 'taxpayers' to lord it over everyone they see or hear stories about, with their own presumption. I never found that amendment, personally. I keep looking. It might be called the Lowtax God Amendment.
@LouiseVanHine I'm not sure what you think I meant by "those people" - what I meant is I'm not the type of person who automatically assumes that someone on public assistance is abusing the system.
All I know is, this was freakin funny! Had me laughing out loud, getting strange looks from the other people sitting in the office (ain't none of their business!) And I'm going back now to reread it, cause it's that funny, and really, I want to make sure I got that part about ceiling fan sock puppet sex right. ;)
Nope, not harsh at all. I enjoyed each and every one and try to follow them as well. It can seem difficult not to have opinions on other peoples actions..but I do remind myself that if it's not affecting me in anyway, I shouldn't care what they do.
My friends know not to ask my opinion unless they really want to know what I think about "x". I warn people who don't know me not to ask unless they really want to know. I do my best not to offer advice/criticism unless asked, because I've learned I have a pretty decent insight into other people and how they think, and they usually don't want to know as much as I can tell them.
@Auntie Adrian Mine, too. Like the saying goes..I am not a baker, I don't sugar coat anything! People either like me or hate me..doesn't matter to me. Telling the truth when asked is how everyone should be. I do give them fair warning though..lol
I think there might be a bit of confusion, reading the comments below between a busy body and someone who is directly critical (which is far more offensive). A busy body will talk to a friend or acquaintance about other people or outside circumstances. A critic will talk about you and something they don't like about you to your face. Or try to behave in a condescending fashion. Of course there are different levels of busy body's. The one's who will only speak to you in never ending stories about other people or ones who will speak of an occasional situation (which is pretty normal). But if the first type is someone you love or is a friend, you will probably be patient and listen, and of course, try to find creative ways to shorten the stories or maybe simply to lighten it up. Sometimes a stiff drink can lighten things up if it's in person. But the critical type person can wear thin. That type person will probably be someone you talk with very infrequently and will find a way to avoid.
So I guess the way I size up the whole conversation above is, this wasn't really someone you loved or was a true friend because you would have found a better or smarter way to diffuse the situation without pulling out the big hammer. Of course this person could have been just a petty, shallow, butt-head, and in that case, I probably would have cut to the chase quickly as well. By your reaction with this blog, sounds like the latter.
I love your blog! Genius and the best part REAL! Thank you for your insight and more for the laughs
I dont see anything wrong with you pointing out what she needed to hear obviously. Maybe one day when she cools off, she will thank you. Its the truth, and a real viable solution to her issue.
What she said has nothing to do with anything you were all talking about, and quite the low blow. She sounds like someone Id never want in my life.
Your list is brilliant. It is hard to follow though, almost human nature, but good on ya!
This was one of the best blogs I have read... totally agree and #17 made me crack up. Good job!
Here is one a get on a semi regular basis - I do not want to know if you think my pet is ugly, be prepared for my reply if you do - "Have you looked in a mirror lately??"
This is a fantastic list, I love the whole thing!
I totally agree, especially with #8 and #17! I hate when people judge me based on those things!
This is so timely. My sister has recently been haranguing me about the fact that my (now wife) and I have decided to share her surname instead of my own. This seems to her the very essence of patricide and my thoughtless actions are hurting the family that has suffered my incredible acts of lunacy such as: piercing my ears, growing my hair, and dying it red.
What a nice thing to read and know that my business is her own, and until my choices threaten the safety of others its really none of hers.
Here's the only point where I have a caveat - it's my business if you ("you" that is, of course, whomever) spend an hour telling me all about the problem. At that point I've earned the ear-trade credits to say "um, you might want to try x." I have listened to a lot of people tell me all about their abusive love life, get me mad at their significant something-or-other, only to hook up with that person again a month later and be perplexed or irritated that I am not totally supportive. If your love life, your exercise habits, your weight loss, your money and your everything else is not my business, stop telling me about them.
I am so in love with this blog post mainly cause I have been living my life like this for as long as I can remember. Now I am indeed only human and have over stepped my boundaries with those I care about dearly but in the end I have remembered I still love them unconditionally and know all too well that we all have to learn from our own mistakes in order to grow! On another note have you been in my bedroom watching my sock puppet scene ???? And I totally think there might be a market for those lard cigarettes soaked in booze!!! One might want to get on that ;)
PS: I have a large wad of singles ready for those undies of yours ;)
BEST EVER! I don't even get my nose in someone's business about those things if they ASK! not worth it!
I'm not sure what's so bad about mushrooms but otherwise I agree 100%
I read this in the waiting room at the dental office. Just a note, this may cause uncontrollable laughter and in turn make u seem crazy.
Of course this article would be written by a man. Sorry but it sounds like you were being a bit of a doorknob! I mean yeah, she should never have said whatever awful things she said, and yeah there are some things that some people need to learn a little more of a hands off approach to, but here is the thing: When you invite a woman who has been having a rough go of things to your house to try to cheer her up, you don't do it by telling her she is a busy body. No matter how politely you put it.
And talk about hypocrisy. How can you stand there telling her not to tell other people how to live their lives...basically telling her how to live her life??
The problem with men, no matter what their sexuality, is that they feel like they need to fix every problem that is presented to them. That is what was probably driving you nuts. She was probably over loading your "must fix the problem" circuit with the problems of a dozen other people--when you were trying to focus your fixing efforts on her!
Some women deal with the stresses in their life by venting about them. And yeah when your sister is doing something you think is ridiculous, even if you are wrong, it is a stress. Women who vent only need to be listened to, you don't even have to agree with them to help them. Just regurgitate their feelings back at them. Say things like "It sounds like that really frustrates you" and that is all they need. And just because they are venting about their sisters poor choices doesn't mean they actually take the step to go and tell that sister how to live either. Plus venting to a neutral party is the best way to do it. Trust me, venting to other family members is not good.
Sounds to me she thought you had offered yourself as a neutral party for her to de-stress to, and you betrayed her, although that doesn't excuse her from being a c-word about it.
Next time someone is having a rough go of things, maybe you should consider letting them sort their life out for themselves.
@amandahagarty sounds like someone recognizes herself in the post. And doesn't like it.
@BarbaraMeyerSpencer @amandahagarty Yep. Dead give away.
@amandahagarty What you said was also true..the thing is..it is all true but we have different perspectives on everything. It should have occurred to me about the listening thing but I got stuck on her being derogatory about his sexual orientation. I have had girlfriends who abused me by using me as their "listening ear" asking for help and when given, blasted me for not knowing what I was talking about and then never talking to me again. I thought it was a loss but after awhile realized I wasn't being emotionally drained anymore so..it is what it is and we need to all be considerate as we can..