8) Get your nose out of other people’s purchases.
When I tell you I’m broke, it doesn’t mean that I’m not allowed to ever buy anything outside of Top Ramen and crap from the dollar bin. Poor people are allowed to splurge once in a while. When you think I’ve got plenty of money, it’s also none of your business if I spend that money on a nice car, or a four hundred dollar pair of headphones, or a pet monkey. And just because I find value in something that you don’t, doesn’t mean you need to go off on some rant about how it’s not something worth buying.
When it might be your business: If you see me purchasing a $40,000 “Business-in-a-Box” from some brand new pyramid scheme company that specializes in $70 chap stick and $4000 water purifiers, you have my permission to bring me to my knees with a crowbar and debrainwash me.
9) Get your nose out of other people’s beliefs.
Yes, yes. I know. Your beliefs are true. You’ve made that perfectly clear. You have it right and everyone else who believes otherwise has it wrong. Look, I don’t care what you believe. I don’t even care if you believe that you know the truth. What I do care about are the times when you tell me my beliefs are wrong and that I need to get in line with your beliefs. So let’s make a pact. We’ll let each other know when we are ready to have the other person’s beliefs crammed down our throat. Until then, we don’t say anything. Fair enough?
When it might be your business: Never. Unless I join some cult and brag to you about our raping and killing rituals. Then, please make sure my ass gets thrown in jail.
10) Get your nose out of other people’s bad habits.
If it’s not directly affecting you, your life, or your happiness, it’s none of your business if anyone else choose to consume alcohol, suck on a cigarette, or eat lard by the spoonful. It’s also none of your business why anyone might choose to abstain from any or all of that. People aren’t stupid. They know very well what that crap does to their bodies. You telling them that it’s bad for them does nothing but annoy them. I promise.
When it might be your business: Here’s my promise. If the day ever comes when I start smoking lard cigarettes soaked in booze, I will not be mad at you if you say something about it.
11) Get your nose out of other people’s style.
Believe it or not, there is no “right way” to dress. If I’m more comfortable with a Polo shirt buttoned all the way to the top, tucked into flood pants, with white crew socks bunched around my Birkenstocks… ain’t none of y’alls business. If you want to wear thick wool suits to karaoke night at a grunge bar, ain’t none of my business. And if I want to be trendy and wear trendy clothes, that’s my business too. Nobody ever has to rationalize what they wear to others.
When it might be your business: If I show up to my child’s school play in a Speedo and army boots… It still ain’t none of your business.
12) Get your nose out of other people’s relationships.
It is really easy for you to know exactly what I should be doing differently in my relationships when my relationship road gets bumpy. I know because it’s really easy for me to look inside your relationship and know exactly what you should be doing. But we have to remember that from the outside, just about everything is black and white. Inside relationships, it’s so much more gray than anything that can be seen by friends or family members. I don’t ever have to rationalize my relationship problems or let other people tell me what to do differently.
When it might be your business: If I ever fall deeply in love with myself, and get into a relationship with myself (verified in my Facebook profile), and start fighting with myself, you may at that point attempt to help me. By calling the state hospital.
13) Get your nose out of other people’s failures.
If there’s one thing we love to stick our noses in more than other people’s successes, it’s other people’s failures. We sniff them out and hunt them down, and then we make sure to use other people’s failures as our platform for proving how we know better, would have done better, and wouldn’t have failed ourselves in such situations. But come on. Do you really think anyone wants to hear it?
When it might be your business: You may stick your nose into my following failures: when I fail to breathe. When I fail to show up to the next rendezvous point while we’re hiking. When I fail to move after a yoga class; please look for twitching. If I appear dead but I’m twitching, I’m good and I just need a minute.
14) Get your nose out of other people’s sexuality.
Gay. Bisexual. Straight. Transgender. Asexual. Pansexual. It’s really none of your business or my business. Somehow we have to move past this weird idea that we all need to know exactly what everyone else is or isn’t. Sexual labels trap people into lives that aren’t their own. They also trap people from being able to learn and grow and even change their minds if they need to. If we’d all get our noses out of other people’s sexuality, and simply not care, we’d all be happier. Acceptance is not an action. It’s simply the act of honestly learning not to care.
When it might be your business: If I ever tell you I’m a lesbian, you may question it.