Judging the Introvert

I am an introvert and it has caused me no end of pain.  People constantly assume that I am 'stuck up' or snobbish.  After all, if I will socialize and have fun with my small group of (seriously not cool) friends, then obviously I should be able to socialize with everyone.  But its just not how I am wired.

im an introvert so i totally understand this post. My question lies with when certain types of coping are unhealthy. For example, as an introvert i do like to be a hermit when things get tough... i tend to work through problems this way by diving into them, sorting them out and healing. To me, an extrovert who chooses not to actually experience the emotions but rather escape them by being with friends and going out seems unhealthy. i think it actually prolongs the healing cycle. However im sure that too much on one extreme or the other (either extroverted escapism or introverted exclusion) could be unhealthy. **shrugs**

I am equally both. Proven by testing even lol. It allows me the unique perspective of getting both and also makes it very frustrating trying to cope with stuff myself. I retreat and then I get depressed because I need more people time. Likewise when I get too much people time, I long for my book and corner on the couch. People automatically assume I'm an extrovert because I can talk to people easily and make friends. So when my introvert tendencies show, people assume I'm depressed or pulling into myself which is not true I just need more me time. This makes it frustrating in a relationship also because if I date someone on either side they don't get my other tendencies. 

I would definitely call myself an introvert most of the time. When things get tough I tend to keep myself out of the limelight. When I was in college I didn't often do things with friends because I was never the one to ask people to hang out. If someone asked me I would be all for it but rarely did I make the first move.

By the definition that you started with, I am definitely an introvert. But I never thought of myself as being an introvert before. So thanks for helping me explain myself to myself. Thanks for reminding me that not everybody  is like me, so I shouldn't expect everyone in my life to react to life's events as I do.  You're good, Dan. Keep writing whatever you want to write.

Thank you for doing such a good job of explaining introverts.  We often feel very misunderstood and "odd."

Those that know me would say I am an introvert. As I have gotten older I have noticed I am somewhere in the middle.

One of the most difficult things for me as an extrovert was moving towards the center of the spectrum, wanting to be more of a home body and less of a social butterfly.  I still love being out and about, but I find that I tire from it more easily and require more time to recharge at home.

most people would say i'm an extrovert, by any and every definition of such... and this is true, for the most part. i don't mind talking to people i don't know, can be friendly and open with almost anyone, and having grown up with a very introverted mom and little brother, i really love getting to know and befriending the introverts. all this being said, if i need to recharge, i need to be by myself... preferably with a good book or the tv. 

i may be extroverted on the surface, but to really get to know me and who i am, it takes as much work as it would for your average introvert... idk if this made a lick of sense to anyone else, but it does to me :p

Introvert, definitely.  But if I do want to spend time with someone, it's with someone I know very well and am very comfortable with.  My wife is kinda both, but it works out best for her because when she feels like being an introvert, she can be introverted with me.  

Uhhh... that almost didn't sound right. 

I'm a definite introvert, I need a lot of down time by myself to feel good and recharge, I get exhausted by bring out with others for very long. My mate is also pretty much an introvert, so sometimes its hard, both of us wanting alone time in a small house! But we each understand we need to be apart to recharge and we enjoy the rest of the time quietly together or some occasional visiting.

Well stated!  Thank you!

Introverted as all get out and moreso as I get older. There are many times however when I desperately wish I was an extrovert. :(

very strong introvert here.  Not shy, I make friends well, but I do choose my friends carefully and I tend to over think things.  A night out with friends is GREAT, but I basically NEED 3 hours of alone time each day to feel sane.  This has turned me into a night owl, so I can enjoy the time while everyone else is asleep.  The realization of my alone time needs has also brought to light the troubles I might face if I really give in and home school my kids.  I might go crazy, is their education worth that?  Probably.  :(

I'm a natural introvert. I was an only child and learned at an early age how to be happy spending time alone. Also as a child I spent a lot of time with adults vs. other children and I think that too molded me some as an introvert. Then I go and decide that I want to grow up and become a teacher. The biggest inner battle that I've had to conquer is to become more extroverted in order to do my job successfully. Now I feel like I can balance both depending on my needs. However, I tend to prefer my introverted nature. Interesting post, Dan. Thanks for sharing! :)

Thanks for today's post. It really does explain a lot of things.

I personally always thought I was an introvert, but after I started living with my current husband, I came to the conclusion he's a 90% introvert and I am more like 50/50.  I love being alone with him (if that makes sense) but I can't spend more than 3 days not having a really social time. That made it really hard for us both in the beginning of our relationship, me not understanding he needed so much time alone, and him not understanding why I had to talk to him so much (I had just moved from a different country and had no friends for a while there, he was my main quality-social time I had). Nevertheless, now I have lots of friends to socialize with, and when I need alone time he's there too. :) Life is good when people work towards accepting and understanding each other!

I am an introvert and really need down time. I have an introvert and an extrovert in my two girls and it was extremely challenging before we worked it out. Now we have a lot more understanding in our home and get along better. Thanks for the post -

I am a total introvert. I sometimes enjoy having a wild night out with friends..but I prefer to be alone with my husband and pets enjoying the peace and quiet. Or even more fulfilling, going for a run by myself to be alone with my thoughts.

I've been wanting to write my own post on introversion as I've been struggling with my introversion lately due to constant work and family demands. I can't find a time to recharge, where someone is not needing or expecting me to interact with them so I end up just crashing to sleep at 9pm because I can't really function like that but I stay drained because even though I've slept, I haven't actually got to recharge. What do other introverts do when they can't get time alone I wonder...Great post. Really enjoyed it.

I'm an introvert with some qualities usually assigned to extroverts. I make friends easily and feel comfortable in social situations, but my energy is charged by solitude and I crave alone time. I'm married to an extrovert with some qualities usually assigned to introverts. He struggles to makes friends, is awkward in many social situations, but his energy is charged by being with the people he loves and he finds alone time boring and tedious. I think the key for both of us is to have a voice and be heard when we're expressing what we need/want.

I've been hit with a double whammy. Not only am I an introvert, I am a high-functioning autistic. My whole life I have been called stuck up because I'm not a "joiner" nor am I a conversationalist. And it doesn't help that, because of the way my brain functions, I am completely without guile and almost completely incapable of telling a lie. It just doesn't occur to me that there are times when a certain amount of "social oil" is called for: "Yes, that dress looks good on you." So, people have always seen me as rude and arrogant. Over the years I have learned to pause when given a question, think about what a "normal" person would say, and then respond in kind. I still have difficulties not offending folks, though. I tend to take people's word at face value, and when what they say doesn't match their actions, I almost always open my mouth and get in trouble for pointing out the obvious. So, long story short, I am an introvert. It makes life so much easier for me to just avoid people.

At this stage of my life I am neither extroverted NOR introverted -- what it takes to recharge me depends on exactly what's going on. I need alone time to recharge from groups of people -- but I need groups of people to recharge from alone time, lol. On personality tests I score around 50% on introversion/extroversion - sometimes one is higher, sometimes the other.

I believe that I am a natural extrovert but my past experiences and the mental illnesses I have been diagnosed with all interfere and have dramatically increased my introversion.

As a child, I was quite extroverted, but I grew up in a family of introverts. I definitely wasn't understood. While my brothers were okay with not having friends over, I chafed at the restriction. I chafed at a lot of restrictions. ;) I really struggled, to be honest, because my social needs were rarely met, understood or even accepted by my family. I was criticised for a lot of extroversion traits - because I wanted a lot of people around, I was fickle - because I sang in public (walking down the street), I was a vain showpony - because I showed wore my heart on my sleeve, I was attention seeking - because I showed too much excitement for something, I hadn't thought it through well enough. You get the picture.

I learned, and I learned it well, that the sort of extroverted behaviours that came naturally to me were wrong. I learned that they were unacceptable and they would make people dislike me. To be honest, I actually attribute some of this stuff to my having developed BPD.


(Also, re something in your post -- I think extroverts are generally far easier to please than introverts.)

I can definitely relate to this as an introvert! I'm surrounded by extroverts, right down to the dog. But I've become much better at adapting between both extroverted and introverted personality types.

I've always considered myself an introvert, although very few people who know me realise that, I think/ In a social setting, I sparkle. I'm friendly and outgoing and make friends easily and am always ready for a chat or a joke. BUT as much as I enjoy it while I'm doing it, I find it incredibly draining to be that way for very long. A night out with friends like that, and when I get home I just want to curl up on the couch with a book for an hour or so. A weekend away with friends and I'm going to want at least a day to be by myself, preferably in the comfort and security of my own house.

This has been extremely difficult of late. My other half hasn't worked for a few years, partly for health reasons and partly because it's a hard pattern to break out of once you've fallen into it. And he's an extreme extrovert. Unfortunately, he's also been suffering a lot of social anxiety lately, and so is having trouble making himself go out and interact with friends (and since he's not working, he doesn't even get that enforced interaction of going to work and seeing colleagues). So he's pretty much latched onto me to fulfill his people-needs. Needless to say, this is becoming extremely wearing on both of us. 

Hopefully there's light at the end of the tunnel. I'm going to be moving interstate for a while for work, and I've told him that he HAS to get a job before I go, because I don't want to have to spend the whole time worrying about him and counseling him over the phone because I'm still his only human contact apart from when he goes to the supermarket and says hello to the checkout girls. And I intend to take full advantage of a month alone to recharge MY mental and emotional batteries!

I fit in to neither of these boxes, which limits my ability to make close friends enormously.
I'm certified Aspergers. This in practice basically means that I can come off as too intrusive and uncaring simply because I don't !NOTICE! people’s bubbles and boundaries. However I am also often associated more with intelligence & depth of a subject. Most people view me as too laid-back and relaxed about most things and that it takes less to make me happy. I view it as I am made happy by simple things and why be sad when you can be happy. Although my best friend states that my moods are like a wave; tired, 'normal', hyper, tired. 

In terms of recharging I actually had to recoup on Boxing Day after all of the Christmas festivities in bed because the thought of spending more time with my family, who I normally go out of my way to see, was just too draining.

Ps; I didn't know you had a tattoo.

I am going through a breakup myself and this article just seemed to come at a "perfect" time.  Hit the nail right on the head.  Thank you.

I'm a strong extrovert married to an introvert.once we learned how to communicate our needs everything got much easier. As an extrovert I am frequently judged to be obnoxious, shallow, self-absorbed and aggressive just because I am high energy. It isn't all giggles and roses.

I've been told I'm a freak of nature more than once in my life.  EVERY personality test I've ever taken (and over the last 30 years, there have been numerous ones), I'm an extrovert.  That said, when push comes to shove, and life is overwhelming me, I retreat to solitude in a hurry and stay there until I've managed to wrap my head around the whirling mass of things pecking away at my ability to cope.

"Extroverts tend to socialize more easily. Making friends is second nature to them."

I agree with this and am very much this way.

"They are often more cheerful and tend to speak whatever is on their heart or mind without fear of repercussion."

I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and generally speaking, I do speak my mind... but it's definitely *NOT* without fear of repercussion.

"But they also can easily turn others off by appearing shallow. They sometimes come off as too intrusive and uncaring. They often don’t recognize and respect people’s bubbles and boundaries."

Interesting opinion... as a tried and true extrovert, I have to disagree.  When I ask someone "How are you doing?" it's because I actually *do* care how they're doing.  I don't think I've ever been called shallow, intrusive or uncaring in all my 50 years.  Ok... well, maybe intrusive, but that's because I have mad deduction skillz and caught my ex-boyfriend in a massive lie... so I was intrusive while I was getting to the truth. :D

"Introverts tend to think their actions out more thoroughly. They are often associated more with intelligence or depth. They often come off as laid-back and relaxed. Life is often more stable for introverts, and it takes less to make them happy."

A good deal of introverts I know, it takes MORE to make them happy than your standard extrovert. :D

"But they also can come off as prudish or too good for others. More misunderstandings surface because they keep their most vulnerable thoughts to themselves. They often feel unable to participate in things they’d like to participate in because they don’t know how to involve themselves."

Now a prude, I've been called. :D  A prude with a filthy mind, but a prude nonetheless. :D  One of the reasons I can be such a good (and harmless) flirt... I'm all talk and ZERO action! :D

So I guess I'm an introverted extrovert. :D :D :D :D

Great post! I am an introvert who in the past often needed to be extroverted professionally. I love teamwork, but too much of it wears me out. A year ago I was able to redefine my job and now many more of my responsibilities are done solo. It feels so much more calming. There's a book that came out a bit ago that I can't wait to read: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. It addresses how our society tends to reward extroverts. Sounds like an interesting read but then again, I'd read all day if my introverted self could!

For me, to totally recharge I think I would first need to spend time alone and then need others around me. It's weird, maybe Im a bit of both, is that possible?

You are quite insightful and I am sure some of your thoughts on this particular subject stem from your recent need to be accepted for being your true self. Whether gay, straight or bi, introvert or extrovert, black or white, we would all be better off if we could all live and let live. Thank you for your post. As an introvert in the extraverted world of media sales, it's nice to know I am not a freak but someone being true to herself.

I can show good extroverted qualities when I want and need to, but in reality I like my alone time. I would rather wander in the woods alone that be at a crowded party or bar. Basically I would say I am introverted, but am able to run with the wild ones (extroverts) when necessary. I am able to hold a good conversation with people. I do find myself quietly listening to others in that conversation before thoughtfully commenting on what is being said. If we look at the history of the great thinkers, many things were invented by those folks who were introverts. Great leaders tend to be extroverts for the most part.

After reading the post today, I wanted to oblige Dan with a comment. I first looked over the comment from others. One thing that perked my attention was that the majority of the comments are from females. nothing is wrong with this, but it would be nice to hear more from you guys on here as well.

I can't speak for others but I find that I am a combination of both. There are times where solitude is a great place for reflection and thought processing whilst there are times where the company of a trusted friend is exactly what is needed. Certainly we are dominant is one direction or another just as we have dominant temperament characteristics but life is fluid so are our responses to issues of life. If there is a box that I am in, there's certainly no lid on the box!

This explains a lot. My husband is most definitely without a doubt an introvert. Me, on the other hand, I am an extrovert. I have been looking for the right word to describe him for years. He's not shy, he is an introvert!!! When I want to be surrounded by friends, he wants to be alone. Not because he is too good for people or doesn't like them, that's just how he is. Not me, I love being around people! When I go too long without seeing friends, I actually get sad and it screws me all up. One night with friends and I'm all better! But then I want to see them again and again and again, like every weekend. No, not my husband. After a party with my friends he's good for a couple months.

I am so shy and people think I am stuck up

My husband and I both lean more towards being introverts when it comes to how we recharge. But we can also both be extroverted when we're out in the world - we talk to strangers, initiate conversations, etc. What I appreciate the most about your post is the encouragement to give others the freedom to simply be themselves, whatever that is. Such a precious gift!

It is so interesting that you would post this today.  My husband and I just had an in depth discussion about the subject just last night.  I am an extreme introvert and my husband is very much an extrovert.  I am also a twin with my sister being very extroverted.  I've lived my life being called shy, stuck-up, snobbish and too good.  In reality, I'm introverted ..I'm quiet, and I can function perfectly alone.  Group activities, public speaking and answering the telephone are nearly torture.  I had very few friends during my younger years and have even less now.   I had maybe 4 dates during my teenage years and met my husband on a blind date set up by my closest friend.  My husband loves me the way I am, but he just can't help telling me to just let loose and have a little fun.  He tells me that I have a vibe that everyone feels when I walk into a room...I said yes, it's an "I don't want to be here" vibe.  It's exhausting and sometimes nauseating.  According to my husband, I have many abilities and talents...I'm a photographer, I sing, sew, craft and paint...most of which I keep to myself.  Perfection is a necessity and fear of rejection, judgment and competition cripple me.  

I have struggled my whole life to fit in somewhere only to find that acceptance without an explanation is really what I want. My husband says that his acceptance is really all I should need...true...but there is something to be said for being able to function with other people.   I will carry on a conversation, I just probably won't be the one to start it.  I want to be able to just be me regardless what everyone around me thinks.  I want people to understand that I'm not a snob, I'm not just shy, I'm not too good to be around...I'm just me...

How incredibly self-centered! "Everybody gets extroverts"...because we want to have fun. Nonsense. Introverts can see WHAT extroverts do but don't get WHY or HOW they can sustain it...in the same way that extroverts don't get introverts. When I, an introvert, judges introverts, I find us to be just fine. Judge yourself and your extrovert friends and leave us alone! This could have been a decent article if you hadn't written it as WE vs. THEY.