“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” ~Philo of Alexandria
After 21 years of self-destructive inner-battles, I finally admitted my biggest secret to myself and to the rest of the world. That day, and the day my son was born, were the two most incredible and wonderful days of my life.
Here on Single Dad Laughing, I started what I call “The Truth Box.” I asked you all to anonymously share a difficult secret that you’ve never told anyone. There were only two sections to fill out on the form. “What everyone thinks is true,” and “what actually is true.” More than five thousand secrets were shared. Every Thursday I share 60 of them here. Completely random and as they came in.
These truths aren’t meant to entertain. They aren’t meant to bring us down, either. They’re just an incredible and poignant (though sometimes heavy) reminder that we all are fighting our own great battles.
Pulled from the Truth Box: Week 7
1
What everyone thinks is true:
I love helping people and want to save the world.
What actually is true:
I wish someone would swoop in and save me and help me.
2
What everyone thinks is true:
I am in a perfectly happy marriage.
What actually is true:
I think of divorce almost everyday. He makes me feel worse about myself than I already do, he says he don’t mean to and I am just sensitive but he doesn’t try to make me feel good.
3
What everyone thinks is true:
That I will make a great mom someday because I love children.
What actually is true:
I do love children. But I had an abortion at 15 that only a few H.S. friends know about. No one I talk to now knows, including my best friend and fiance.
4
What everyone thinks is true:
I have dealt with my past abusive relationships.
What actually is true:
I can’t stop replaying my rapes in my head during sex even though I trust and love my boyfriend.
5
What everyone thinks is true:
I’m terrible with money and rely on my mom to bail me out all the time.
What actually is true:
I really am pretty bad with money. But I’ve prostituted myself out so as not to be a financial burden on my family.
6
What everyone thinks is true:
A little over a year ago I went through a bad breakup and nearly drank myself to death over the course of four days. After 15 days of rehab I am fully recovered.
What actually is true:
I go home from work every night and drink til I fall asleep. I drink and sleep all weekend then repeat the work week. My home and finances are a mess and I have no social life.
7
What everyone thinks is true:
I do not allow my children to stay away from home.
What actually is true:
I was molested on several occasions away from my home when I was young. I refuse to let that happen to my children.
8
What everyone thinks is true:
That because I am an open book when it comes to my life I am very trusting, everyone loves me, and I am confident.
What actually is true:
It took me nine years to let my husband in, accept he wasn’t going anywhere, that he could really love me, and it took me dating other people to see it was true. I push everyone out.
9
What everyone thinks is true:
I moved from the USA to Canada to marry the love of my life.
What actually is true:
I purposefully found love in another country because I needed a do over. I was stuck living with my parents again at the age of 28.
10
What everyone thinks is true:
I love my husband just as much as everyone loves theirs.
What actually is true:
I recently had a mid-mid life crisis where I realized I chose the man who could give me what I thought I wanted at the time (house, kids, etc.); not the man who truly completed me.
11
What everyone thinks is true:
I’m ok with being a heterosexual just divorced female, living back with my parents and my kids.
What actually is true:
I’ve been in a relationship with another female for three years and am counting the days till I can move us out, tell everyone and marry the real love of my life.
12
What everyone thinks is true:
That I am a confident happy woman with a full life.
What actually is true:
I am 47 years old and don’t know how it feels to be in love and be loved. I’ve never had a long term relationship.
13
What everyone thinks is true:
I’m a cheery college boy whos always happy and loves life.
What actually is true:
I hate myself more than i can express, i suffer from depression and often think of ending my life
14
What everyone thinks is true:
That I am a faithful, completely happily married woman.
What actually is true:
Although I love my husband dearly, I have cheated numerous times and know that I will again.
15
What everyone thinks is true:
That I do not lie.
What actually is true:
I lie every day, about how I feel, about what goes on, there is very little that isn’t a LIE.
Continued on next page.
Dear #28 You really are amazing at a lot of things. You just don't feel like lying to yourself every day to get a degree when you feel like there are so many other things you could be doing...that no one seems to want to let you do because you don't have a degree. It's vicious, obscene even, to tie a soul like yours down to one subject for the rest of your life. It really is ok to not know what you want to do. Take a semester off. Hell, take a year off. Do all the crazy things you need to do so you can find something you can truly be passionate about. You can, and will, come back with a better informed decision when you don't have everyone pressuring you into some career you'll end up resenting.
#53 about made me puke. Eww but hey my husband eats pickled bologna and that stuff has made me puke! and I love crab legs which makes my husband sick, he always wants to leave the house because of the smell. If boogers are your choice of snack, more power to ya!
Dear #10,
Nobody completes you but you. Get that part figured out first, and the rest will work itself out.
I almost could have written #44.... at least the 2nd half. I actually am (finally) glad that the first half is no longer true for me. I know now that we were not good for each other, and he did me a huge favor by exiting my life. As far as closure, you may never get to see him face to face to get it, but you will get closure, maybe in a way you never expected.
19 - It's great that you're exploring. If you ever want to find others who are interested, make sure you have a "safe call" set up.
53 - Me too. For real.
#11 - I hope you get to marry your partner sooner rather than later! Happiness to you and yours. :)
Woot! Stirrin' the pot!
32- believe it or not, you are not alone. Xoxo
Always so powerful! Kudos for putting your truth out there!
WOW!
So many of today’s truths touched my heart and I feel I need to say something about them all.Please forgive this long comment.
Lots of hugs to everyone who shares their truth.
1. After caring for my grandmother, my father, and my mother, raising 2 children and 2 fosters, I understand your exhaustion and feel your pain.
Take a break!Rarely will anyone come to your rescue.You just have to save yourself.
12.I am 52 and feel the same way.Yes, I do have someone I love.But I only get to see him 3 or 4 times a year.
16.Knowing that and admitting it is the first step to breaking that cycle.Please learn to love you for who you are!
19.There is nothing wrong with exploration.You don’t say how old you actually are (teens go from 13 to 19 with a lot of maturity happening in those 6 years!).Please don’t just step out into the world to explore this without a safety net.I wish I was there to help!
21.I know he is your son and you love him.But if he’s of age, you don’t have to LET him come home any time soon.It’s called tough love.It can work.And you deserve not to feel manipulated and/or conned.
22.My thoughts on this may be skewed from the “norm”, but there is nothing at all wrong with what you are doing to get through school.As long as you take care of yourself physically and emotionally, it can be a lucrative way to support yourself.If, however, it eats at you, you need to stop and find another way.Big hugs!!
25.Please, please, please don’t blame yourself!I wish I could scoop you up and hug you and make you understand that!
26.It sounds like you are OK with that.And if you are, that is FABULOUS!
30.Scream that from the mountain top if need be!You deserve a break!Taking a break from taking care of the world does not make you weak or uncaring.It just means you are TIRED and need a break!
32.You are strong or you wouldn’t have survived.Big hugs!!
39.Good for you!You can do it, one day at a time!
45.I am sorry for your loss.
48.Tell someone!If he did that to you, he has and will continue to do it to others.You could save another person from molestation.
49.I know!!That is probably why I weigh over 275 lbs.Just to guys won’t stare at me in that way.
52.Yes, they do!And it is beautiful!
54.Big hug!Put yourself out there.They will come!I hope those who are stuck in miserable situations are able to find the strength within themselves to make the changes they need to in order to improve their lives. It's no fun being trapped. :(
To the person whose friend is abusive-PLEASE call CPS/DCF whatever you have. I also had a "friend" whose husband was abusive to their kids, and I didn't do anything. They were investigated anyway after a call to the police for domestic disturbance and CPS took all of the children away. Mom got help and is now a much better parent, minus the bad husband. You can make a difference-I feel guilty when I think about how much sooner things could have changed if I had intervened.
@barefootmama0709 And yes, you CAN be anonymous when you report it! Your friend never needs to know it was you who called.
@Eilena @barefootmama0709 Legally the police cannot share information on who alerted them. When it comes to children being taken away people can get murderous, really. So the police have a duty to protect the reporter.
Difficult week of sharing - bless you for trusting us with your deepest stuff! Big hugs all around....for those of you in a really rough place in your life, considering ending it all, wondering if anyone cares: we do. Perhaps it's rude of me to speak for anyone else, but all of us who've commented below care what happens to you, or you, or, you. We are here. We may have been there.
#53.....I don't pick my own nose, but my daughter, who is still little (under two)? I'm a fanatic about cleaning out hers!
@foxngigsmom LMAO - I love that your Truth Box this week is that you pick SOMEONE ELSE'S nose!!! Crying over here - that's too funny. :):):)
So many of those made me cry. I will commit to pray for each of them, individually, because we all have crap, and it all stinks the same, whether it's a little pile or a big one. Everyone deserves to have recognition and respect, and everyone needs a hug now and then. Thanks so much for sharing.
This is one of my favorite parts of your blog. Reading these makes you understand that we're all connected. We all struggle and we all have secrets that feel unbearable at times. But in the midst if our personal struggles there are everybody else fighting too. So in the end, we're not really alone.
There were hard ones today....but thank you for throwing in #53 to give me a giggle towards the end. I think my 11-yr-old son would agree with that one!! ;)
I can so understand how so many of these women feel.
My ex seems to think I left because he didn't do the things I need to make me happy and given a chance he would be able to change things.
Even though I wasn't happy with him, I left because being with him and the things he did do and who he is made me miserable and I know the things he wants to change for me would never change that. I just didn't like the person I saw when I saw his true and honest character.
I know that no man can make any of us happy. I know this because I have so often been happy when I am not with a man.
But being with someone I am just miserable with....that is so not going to work for me. I don't know how any woman can live like that. Although I must admit, I did it for way too long....way too long. But lets face it, I wasn't living really. I was existing.
I literally cried tears reading about all these beautiful women who are so incredibly unhappy in their lives.
*whew* there were some really hard ones today . . . *gentle hugs* all around!
people are such social beings and i long to have someone in my life. while i appreciate people sharing their secrets, i can't help but be appalled at the amount of women who hate/resent being with their husbands. i want to be with someone because we enjoy each other not because it fills a social check-mark of acceptance or belonging.
omg, this is amazing. Thank you for this...I am deeply moved.
omg, this is amazing. Thank you for this...I am deeply moved.
I think that this is the one I have found most relatable so far. I love my man, but I hate myself. I lie all the time, and it has started coming out. I love my children but am pretty sure they will be my only company for the next 20 years. Ugh.
#1 and all the others that say similar things. It has gotten to the point were most everyone I know comes to me for everything and most feel entitled and are mad when I set boundaries. This leaves me feeling depressed about what I am trying to do.
# 18...as a mother of 2, I don't think that is uncommon. I work part time so I can get out of my chaotic house 3 days a week. You need to get away from it!! you have 5 children...that is sooo much work! I'm sure you love them very much, but you need time away from them to be more patient and a better mother, and more importantly to make yourself happy. I do not think you should feel guilty at all. Also, you decided to escape by engaging in a positive activity, by volunteering you are helping others as well as yourself. I think the idea that a mother should want to be with her children all of the time is nuts...you need and escape, and you picked a healthy one! What a wonderful example you are setting for your kids!
We (as a society) need to realize that the majority of "what everyone else thinks is true" is not true at all. Is it human arrogance that makes us think we have everyone fooled...when in reality we are only fooling ourselves? There are definitely exceptions, but usually the problems we spend so much energy on hiding are already known or suspected by those around us. I wish everyone could just be true to their loved ones AND themselves.
I worry that #30 is my sister - she takes care of everyone around her - I can see the weight on her shoulders - I wish I had the guts to do something to stop it.
@MaryBethBauhartPelc You should talk to her about it. Or surprise her with something nice. She's not the one who posted it, but you really should do that.
I personally identify with those women who posted about living in a marriage they want out of. And especially the one who feels she can't leave because her husband threatened to take her children away from her if she did. I was that woman, 3 years ago. It brings tears to my eyes every time I hear about someone living in those situations - I know a handful of people around me who have admitted they are living miserable lives this way - I understand so deeply how painful it is. I have written about my experiences with this is in my own blog. I am happily divorced today, AND remarried my first love, and live a great life. Not perfect, but happy. And that SOB I call my ex - he didn't destroy me or kill me OR take my children away, even though he tried like hell.
it did that to me to Brandie, I just went to the next page and then came back and they were there.
it did that to me to Brandie, I just went to the next page and then came back and they were there.
Thanks =)
Thanks =)
Thanks for the heads up guys, should be fixed now. :)
Thanks for the heads up guys, should be fixed now. :)
Tina Thrussell, this is the site I mentioned last night in our authenticity talks. Awesome concept.
Some of them, I think 28-31, are all blank :( Otheriwse, awesome! I look forward to these posts =)
For #27 - I do too! The shower is my place to cry, so I can my sadness and frustration out before starting the day. And there's a lot of it: Grief, self-loathing, regret, guilt, frustration. Crying helps, as does knowing I'm not alone in crying.
And to the multitude of people out there who suffer through their seemingly contradictory lives - See? You are not alone! That's the part of the Truth Box that I love - seeing that we are not so different from other people. We ARE strong. We DO have joy sometimes, people DO love us, and that makes life worth living, despite the dark side that is part of us all.
Hey Dan, How'd ya deal with #53? :D
@crusherbevdr is it appropriate to share a private joke here? If you know him personally, hit him up on IM
@neverbeenmarried @crusherbevdr It wasn't a private joke. Dan has openly admitted that boogers really gross him out. Like vomit grosses me out. I knew that when he read that one it had to call to him personally.
@crusherbevdr @neverbeenmarried Answered; dismissed.
@neverbeenmarried you must be new here.
@RoxanneFlores @neverbeenmarried Is your point that new people are not welcomed to your special circle? Not to worry, dear. This blog needs to be renamed to more accurately represent it's new subject emphasis.
@neverbeenmarried @crusherbevdr Everyone who reads this blog regularly knows how Dan feels about boogers, and that was clearly a funny secret share, not some deep dark hidden truth. Take it easy!
@trrantual @neverbeenmarried @crusherbevdr Dismissed; not of consequence in my comment, and rude. Take it easy, indeed
@neverbeenmarried @crusherbevdr
It's not a private joke seeing as Dan has posted it on his blog....When I read #53 I was wondering the same thing she did and I am glad she asked the question.
@SillyMe @neverbeenmarried @crusherbevdr My two year old also eats his boogers very publicly! I am sorry I can't stop laughing at this converstaion, I was thinking the same thing that Crusherbevdr asked. I think most of us were. I don't see what the big deal is. I also didn't think Dan was making fun of the secret, Neverbeenmarried, i feel it was just him laughing because I'm sure he knew it was inevitable that someone would ask him about #53 because we all know how he feels about boogers, it's no secret!
@neverbeenmarried @SillyMe @crusherbevdr You know, you're right Neverbeenmarried. And I see you clearly have empathy for #53. You may even be #53 and I would like to apologize to you for my part in making light of eating boogers. It is obviously a serious matter. I am sure that #53 is ashamed of their actions and it took all their courage to not only admit it to themselves but stand up and be proud anonymously of their enjoyment of eating said boogers. I just hope that my partaking in this nonsense hasn't scarred them for life. That they won't feel bullied by my deplorable actions. I would like to be more empathetic like you Neverbeenmarried, so here it goes........#53 person, you have much company in your booger eating enjoyment....In fact, this morning there was a guy in the car next to me who was very publicly eating his boogers and this was definitely not the first time I have see this.....I hear that it is actually good for your health....Something to do with boosting the immune system. Although I am not sure that works seeing as my 2 year old also partakes in booger eating (also quite publicly I might add) and currently has a cold. But who knows, perhaps his cold would have been worse if he hadn't eaten his boogers. So please don't feel you are alone. There are many people like you out there, who share your pain in the enjoyment of eating of ones boogers. If I hear of a support group I will let you know.
As for Mr. Pearce and I being friends, this is not the case. I am sorry if I made you feel alienated by my familiarity of my use of his first name indicating that we know each other when in fact we have never been formally introduced. Please let me assure you that Mr. Pearce and I don't exchange emails, have long phone conversations, try on each others clothes, or hang out together. My therapist has warned me about becoming too familiar with pseudo people on the internet when my last boyfriend who I was friends with only on Facebook turned out to be a woman in Ghana. So it is because of you dear Neverbeenmarried, and your wise and so insightful comments that I will be the epitome of a proper reader and commenter to this blog. May I be "Dismissed" now?
@SillyMe @neverbeenmarried @crusherbevdr Then I would suggest the same to you; private message your "friend".
@crusherbevdr Haha, you know boogers give me the serious willies...
@Single Dad Laughing @crusherbevdr Yup I do. :D
@Single Dad Laughing @crusherbevdr you invited people to share...now you make jokes about their secrets...? curiouser and curiouser
@crusherbevdr @neverbeenmarried @Single Dad Laughing There is no bloggers code of ethics, he sets the standards of his reaction to what he posts. He has generated a "loyal" fan base that feels they "know" him. There ya go...
@RoxanneFlores @neverbeenmarried @Single Dad Laughing @crusherbevdr You are not a person of consequence in my comment.
@neverbeenmarried @Single Dad Laughing @crusherbevdr It wasn't aimed at the person's secret but at Dan's reaction to their secret.
@neverbeenmarried @Single Dad Laughing @crusherbevdr where did he make a joke? all he did was laugh at a question and then he gave his opinion.