A while back I decided to ask one of my favorite questions to you over on the SDL Facebook page. “What is the funniest thing you’ve ever heard an old person say.”

More than a thousand of you replied, and your answers had me rollin’ on the floor ever since.

With more than a thousand, I have enough to make several posts out of my favorites. Bad news is, you only get one more of those posts today. Enjoy.

  1. My husband and I are both white and adopted a full black baby girl. When I took her to meet my grandmother her first question was, “Was your labor hard honey?”
  2. I work in a nursing home and I was walking down the hall in a skirt and this lady says, “would ya look at the legs on that one, she could wrap those around a fella and hold on all day!!!”
  3. Staying in a hotel, my grandmother told me to keep on my shoes, because people “whack off” on the floors! So unexpected…..
  4. Don’t spend your days making fancy sauces from recipes. Do you think us oldies, would have made it from recipes if jars were available back then?
  5. After falling down the stairs and breaking her leg, I asked my friend how she was feeling. She responded that it hurt quite a bit, but “When you’re stupid, you gotta be tough”. I use that one all the time now..
  6. My husband and i were looking at rental houses. One house, owned by a couple in their eighties, had a nice back yard, so we went out to look at it. A bee flew down my shirt and i jumped around and pulled at the neck opening, trying to get him to fly out. I didn’t completely flash anyone or anything, but the old man showing the house took off his hat, fanned his face and said “That’s the best show i’ve seen in a LONG time!!” I’m sure my face turned about 10 shades of red. My husband was laughing his butt off and thankfully, i did not get stung in the boob. …That guy REALLY wanted us to rent that house after that though lol!
  7. I’m a nurse in a nursing home and when I was giving a lady her meds she asked if I put her birth control pill in the mix. Lol!
  8. “If I was your age again I would be smoking that weed.” My loving Grandma, she is very badly missed!
  9. About 25 years ago my then-85 year old grandmother asked me if I noticed she still had a lot of friends. I did. She asked if I noticed a lot of them were younger than she. They were. She asked if I wanted to know why … and being an inquisitive young lad, I did. She replied, “Because I don’t talk about my bowels!” I will carry this advice with me for the rest of my days.
  10. “So, this ‘internet’ of yours…how many things are on it?” – my grandfather
  11. While visiting my great grandfather (then 93 years old) to show off our newborn son, he said, “That baby really fattened you up, didn’t he?”
  12. I told my grandfather his fly was unzipped. He said “What can’t get up can’t get out”
  13. I work in a nursing home so I hear all kinds of funny things. My one resident refused to keep his brief on and I asked him why and he told me “Because it gets in my way when I am trying to get some a** from my lady.”
  14. A tough looking, big guy walked behind the store next to my grandparents’ house to relieve himself. After about thirty seconds, my Grandpa yelled out, “If you shake it more than twice, you’re playing with it.” The best part is, we could hear the guy giggle.
  15. My grandfather would always “do not plug that in, you will burn the g*ddamned house down.”
  16. An older man at a wedding I was at said “I’m not bald, this is a solar panel for a sex machine!”
  17. My 86 year old grandpa asked me the other day, while I was taking pictures of him and my grandma, “is this going on Face Lift?” (meaning facebook, of course)
  18. As a nurse, I was trying to move some medical equipment around on an elderly patient’s leg and keep his man parts protected, he said to me, “oh honey, don’t worry, it’s just decoration these days anyways”.

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!