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Horrifying Panty Burps… Vol. 1

fart-embarrassedEverybody farts. And that’s okay.

In fact, It’s more than okay. Farts are often some of the funniest things ever. At least in retrospect.

Anyway, as I put together this morning’s yoga fart post, I thought it might be fun to make today an all around act-like-a-12-year-old day. So, over on the SDL Facebook page, I asked you to share your most embarrassing fart stories. One commenter replied, “my aunt refers to a fart as a “panty burp,” which I laughed out loud at, so I hereby name this series “Horrifying Panty Burps.”

But before I share those, I’ll share one of mine. I think it’s only fair.

The year was 2006. I was in Denver interviewing candidates for a manager position at one of our stores. Because I wanted to get in and out as quickly as possible, I was moving them through one after the other, bam bam bam bam bam.

I wasn’t too impressed with anybody but then my dream candidate walked in. Well dressed, well spoken, skilled, hard worker, good work history… the whole shebang. The only problem was, I was desperate for him to leave because something was bubbling up in my innards, and I knew I couldn’t hold it much longer. But, not wanting to lose this guy, I grimaced and held it in.

“So, if I were to hire you, how would you expect your employees to act when it comes to mannerisms and classiness?” I said.

And right as I said the last words, a tiny but powerfully loud fart burst out of me. I just looked at him with wide eyes. “Hopefully better than that,” was all I could reply.

He didn’t take the job.

Anyway, enough about me. Here are your stories. There were at least enough hilarious ones to do two volumes. Maybe more if you share lots of funny stories in the comments.

HORRIFYING PANTY BURPS Vol. 1

  1. My daughter told everyone at the shops that the night before I had done a fart so huge I said it felt like I had just given birth to a wind baby.
  2. My 4 year old just denied farting. She said her butt growled.
  3. Was a month into marriage we are “getting it on” I feel a fart coming and can’t hold it in… only it wasn’t a fart…that beloved amazing man is still married to me 4 years later and he handled it with grace and love… but did make me wash the sheets…twice.
  4. My worst was while I was on that block waiting for the start gun to blast at a swim meet, with the timer person behind me.
  5. When my husband and I were newly dating, we were watching a movie on my couch together. I was lying down with my legs on his lap. I honestly just had to cough, but somehow a fart came out at the same time, totally unexpected. He laughed so hard, and to this day still thinks I did the cough to cover up the fart
  6. My older brother once farted in line at the Soaring ride at Disney World. It smelled so repulsive that this lady in line in front of us (who mistakenly thought it was her husband who farted) got so upset that she slapped her husband!
  7. My friends and I were outside smoking and I was really really really drunk…Apparently, while we were all talking…I backed up, stuck my butt out and let it rip. From what I was told the next day, it was very loud and very long…Thankfully, I don’t remember this event.
  8. I was in a crowded elevator with my mom and I thought it was going to be silent, but it was the loudest fart in the world. I started laughing because it was awkward and I kept farting with my laugh! It was horrifying!
  9. During sex, omg, talk about embarrassing!
  10. In Anatomy & Physiology lab, we had to measure the output of our lungs by blowing as hard as we could into some sort of contraption…the air from my lungs was not the only air expelled.
  11. On a romantic getaway with my husband. Painful tummy, that I was holding back. Finally, we were alone, I thought, and waffled off the biggest and loudest one ever, only to turn around and see a lot of people looking at me in disgust. What could I do?? I pointed at him.
  12. Was really sick in 8th grade. Sitting in algebra sneezed and farted at the same time. My teacher joined in on the laughter at me and called me the one man band. Awesome for a shy girl.
  13. Quiet church, old wooden pews (no pun intended!)
  14. On a quiet plane ride where my boyfriend started gagging and talking about how rude people can be (thinking it was the guy in front of us).
  15. My best friend and I were eating at a fast food joint and I had to fart. Sooo, seeing as how we were about 18 yrs old and really silly all the time, I just let it rip….it was SOOO long! We started laughing and she started saying “Stop! Stop! Stop!”…and I couldn’t stop. In fact, it was SO long and SO funny that I ended up peeing my pants. Yes, there were other people around us eating and yes, I peed so much that I left a puddle on the seat!

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE.

223 comments
spaceyjc
spaceyjc

Its 1:30AM...I am the only one awake in the house and I am laughing histerically under my breath...with my sweater sleeve covering my nose and mouth, so afraid I will wake my husband who is sleeping only 3 feet away...tears streaming down my face from my laughter!  Hilarious stories from all.  Ty for sharing this.

tashae
tashae

My fiance has some of the worst gas I have ever seen. The first time he ever met my mother she wanted us all to go to the mall. We went into a little tobacco store in the mall so that my mother could look at zippo lighters. Just as we started to leave I smelled it. He had let out a SBD. We walked out of the store trying not to laugh. As we walked away I looked back to see the cashier dashing out the door waving her had in front of her face. I actually fell on the ground laughing.


LauraVolin
LauraVolin

My mother was infamous for her "panty burps" and she did not have the least bit of shame when she let one go. There is one incident that stands out and is legendary in my family. We were in the kitchen and my mom was doing the dishes.

A little background here. We lived in an apartment that could not support air conditioning. This was when we still had those little glass fuses and if one blew, you had no electricity until the landlord could get there, if it was a weekend, you were, as mom would say "s**t outta luck." Anyway, mom wore a girdle, not just a regular one, the kind with long legs. Now, being that it was summer, my dear mom had a hard time getting into that torturous garment. It involved a lot of talcum powder, a fan and quite a bit of jumping up and down to wedge herself into it due to sweating so much from her exertions. She was also a fan of those polyester pants that were so popular with the sewn in crease in the front of the pant leg. that day she had on her black pair.

Now back to washing the dishes... I was sitting at the kitchen table talking with mom when suddenly she let go with a very sonorous blast. What was so surprising was that it was accompanied by a huge cloud of what I thought was smoke shooting out of my dear mom's arse. Needless to say, I was quite shocked and yelled, "Mom, what the hell did you eat!"

When the smoke cleared, and we both stopped laughing, I finally realised the smoke was just the immense amount of talcum powder that my mom used that day to get her girdle on, as evidenced by the large ring of powder surrounding her black polyester clad buttocks. The force of that fart pushed talcum powder through her industrial strength girdle and those black polyester pants. It also caused the powder to leave a coating on my eyeglasses when I was sitting about 4 feet behind her in a chair at the kitchen table.

The Science of Farting
The Science of Farting

I was in science class in 7th grade. I don't remember why everyone was looking at me, but they were, and I was already laughing so hard I was bouncing up and down in my chair...and let out a rip-roaring fart that ricocheted off the seat and made the entire class bust up. The only person who didn't hear it was the teacher...who asked what was so funny. One of my friends raised his hand to tell him, but was laughing so hard he couldn't finish the story.

PamLong
PamLong

These are sooooooo funny.  I am sitting here reading them to my 7 yr old son.  He asked me why I was crying and making funny faces.  I told him they are so funny I can't help it.  

unfortunate giver
unfortunate giver

I was downtown on my boyfriend giving him the best time of his life when he let one go.  It was loud and I heard it richocete off his butt cheeks.  I giggled a little quietly and kept going, trying to be all cool about it.  A second later, the smell hit me.  It was a rotten egg fart and I started gagging.  Horrible.  He laughed and laughed while I coughed.  The funniest part was that he EXPECTED me to finish him off after that.  Um, no way buddy!!

JaycieLeishman
JaycieLeishman

my husband is the KING of farting. they're always the i-think-i-just-felt-an-earthquake-wait.-WHAT-THE-HELL-IS-THAT-SMELL?!?!?! kind that only men could possibly be proud of. anyways, one night we were cuddled up on the couch, watching a movie. i had my legs thrown over one of his legs, with my feet tucked under his other leg. he let out a little fart which made me laugh. i started poking his belly in the hopes that he'd fart again. sure enough, an earthquake headed my way, shaking my feet. instantly, he's pushing me off/trying to stand up and yells, "If you don't get off of me I'm going to poop on your leg!" Five minutes later, he emerged from the bathroom, only to find me out of breath because I was still laughing so hard.

SJBS1982
SJBS1982

I am a new Real Estate agent and at my first market analysis with a wonderful older gentleman who made his own colorful bow ties! (I just love people and find everyone fascinating-hence the career change) Anyway as he is showing me around his lovely home and telling me stories of his family, his wife, and mentioning things here and there he points out the re-bar used in the foundation. He had asked a question and to be honest I no longer remember the question or my response because it was overshadowed by what happened next. As I was explaining something to him he let out a loud high pitched trumpeting fart that seemed to continue for 20 seconds although I doubt it was that long! My mind was off track and I realized I wasn't saying anything, just staring and completely forgot where this thought train was going! He stood there as though nothing happened meanwhile my mind is screaming "SAY SOMETHING!" Through some fumbles in speaking and trying to come up with a conscious thought we made it through and I must have answered his question meanwhile looking like a babbling idiot. As soon as I got in my car I laughed so hard I was crying and immediately called my fiancé as we both like to share in childish humor!

StefMarie
StefMarie

I was sleeping over at my new boyfriends house and apparantly farted so loud that it woke him up! Embarrassing enough on its own but then it opened the "comfortability gates" and he started farting all the time around me. Great.

Renee Marlene
Renee Marlene

What about after sex from you no where farts??? Ugh. How romantic. So much for round two.

HeatherCox
HeatherCox

This past Christmas, the family was sitting around the dining room table decorating Christmas cookies when my 20yo daughter ripped one so loud that my 14yo son thought HE had done it.

Lori Johnson Linsmeier
Lori Johnson Linsmeier

I don't know why I'm not reading this until today, but I barely got through your intro, then I only made it through the first three on the list. I'm laughing so hard, I actually think I'm making myself sick. I think I will try again a little later :)

Elizabeth
Elizabeth

My coworker and I were working together for the day. She had a fart machine in her pocket and I had the remote in mine. I was working on the computer while she was taking care of the patient. I hit the button and the patient says "I know how it is, I had beans for dinner last night". I hit it again. The patient turns to me and says "does she do this to you all day long?" She still has yet to live it down.

Debi Cutter
Debi Cutter

OMG....this is hilarious!!! Nothing as funny as a fart.....lmbo!!!

Marieand Bobby Owens
Marieand Bobby Owens

omg too funny! My two youngest (toddlers) learned from their daddy that their farts are their butts talking.....middle of a restaurant, store, theatre, or wherever they may be when they fart they woll loudly proclaim that their butt is talking. sigh. You should see the looks the old ladies will shoot our way.

Melissa Baker
Melissa Baker

#30 is the best... my hubby's kindred spirit.Thanks for the laughs

Theresa Kozma Rivera
Theresa Kozma Rivera

I can't even read the other stories yet because I just laughed til I cried after reading YOUR story! Can't wait to share it with my husband!

rootietootiebootie
rootietootiebootie

Once, my husband pulled me out of a little consignment shop, stating, "Somebody crapped their pants & no way my bride is going to be subjected to that foul air!" He led me to our vehicle, opened my door and go me safely inside before heading around to his side of the car.  Imagine the horror on his face, when he got in the driver's side, only to discover I was the guilty culprit!  I had let one more "kiss" slip, while he was walking to his side, and it hit him full force, when he sat down! The poor man actually cried, astonished that something that nasty came out of his new bride!

Char Ahlbrandt
Char Ahlbrandt

Thank You! I dont think i have laughed this hard in months!

Marcie Glass
Marcie Glass

My ex-husband was somewhat of a prankster. We were in bed and I was almost asleep. I was roused from that in between state of being awake and asleep by his roaring extended release fart. I'm sure his butt cheeks were numb from the vibration! I was like, OMG! You'd better check and make sure that was just air!" So he lifted the sheets and threw them over my head and held me under there. I was so desperate to get out! I was twisting and turning and put my foot against the wall for leverage and my foot went through the dry wall. Thankfully that startled him and he loosened his grip on me enough for me to escape before I threw up in the bed. Instead I grabbed the bedroom trash can and as I was puking my other end was singing a tune to drown out my heaving. He in turn ran for the bathroom to throw up and tripped on his clothes he left on the floor. Needless to say... He never did that again. He didn't have much fun patching the wall either, lol!

JB
JB

LOL dude you totally reminded me of an incident! I was at my BFF's house a few years ago and we had eaten Kentucky Fried Chicken for dinner. KFC gives me gas. It gives me gas SO bad that I have a name for them, 'greasy chicken farts', hereby known as the GCFs. LOL So meanwhile I'm in the bathroom and I *think* I'm alone, so I'm freely letting go of the LOUD GCFs when I hear my BFF's boyfriend standing outside the bathroom door giggling. It took a long time to live that down!

Jessant
Jessant

My husband has this amazing fart story about my father-in-law (who passed away about 5 years ago). They were at the supermarket by the packaged meat case. Apparently my FIL let out an SBD that was just horrible. They left the area, but when they came back about 10 minutes later, the meat manager was actually checking the packages for expired meat...

Susan Manore
Susan Manore

I needed a laugh so badly today. Hilarious. Thank you.

E the A
E the A

While taking bridal party pictures at my brother's wedding, he proceeds to fart on the one of the bridesmaids, there is photographic evidence of it happening

Roxy Pettifar
Roxy Pettifar

Yer killin' me! #19 is so priceless and mortifying.

Lochlan Sudarshan
Lochlan Sudarshan

>read the first few pretty cool, pretty cool. not laughing out loud yet >read the last one zomg I just about died

Romy Eichner Peck
Romy Eichner Peck

Laughing so hard, I might have a panty burb myself...hahahahaha..tears!

Melissa McConnell
Melissa McConnell

Oh...I've got a couple of gooders. The first time I stayed over at now DH's place, we had done the deed and I got up to use the washroom. I guess he had been holding it in for a while and his butt was up against the wall, and he let it rip right after I left the room. I SWEAR the house shook. It was sooo loud and forceful. We still laugh about it, 5 years later. The second, My now 8 year old daughter was on the phone with myself and hubbs while we were away for our little guys heart surgery. We had hubbs aunt and uncle at the hotel room with us and she was on speaker phone. She took the phone, held it to her butt, and laughed as she put the phone back to her ear and said "Merry Christmas" So proud of herself. Cause daddy used to fart on her head and say Merry Christmas.

KimberlyVivanco
KimberlyVivanco

I am dying! LOL Make it stop! LOL! But boy am I glad we aren't the only ones to fart before during or after sex. LOL My daughter is an unabashed farter. She lets them rip at home. But heaven forbid you do it yourself in her presence. "MOMMY! That stinks!" Loud enough for the neighbors to hear. Thanks, daughter. Love you,too. LOL

Kayelltea
Kayelltea

I could barely read them all from the tears of laughter!  It is hilarious that even as adults, we find farts so funny!  I am an unashamed farter - my family all knows when I do the "lean" (to get leverage of course) to watch out!  And my husband does the grocery store farts too.  Or as he calls it "Crop Dusting". 

JaymeR
JaymeR

High school gym class.  Had a boy holding my feet while I was doing crunches and every time I sat up I farted.  I wasn't allowed to stop doing crunches and was on the verge of tears at the end.  Thankfully the boy who was holding my feet never made fun of me to my face, and is an all around wonderful man.

Michelle Gentry
Michelle Gentry

Faelan, same thing, 5th grade math test. Only on the playground a boy approached me and said, "I heard the fart."

PiperSpeer
PiperSpeer

Well here is one .We were visiting our mother and she is on oxygen supplied by a concentrator ,well my brother let one loose in my Moms O2 concentrator . Needless to say it was delayed ,but she got a direct hit..

Hafiji
Hafiji

10th grade drama class. I had just finished doing part of Romeo and Juliette and as I was walking down the stairs, I farted so loud it sounded like a small series of claps. The rest of the class started clapping. I walked back on stage and did a quick now with my partner and then hurried off stage before anyone realized what had really happened.

Anita Quackenbush
Anita Quackenbush

Oh jesus! I can't stop laughing! I'm crying and my sides are aching, please post another one!

IssaBellaFreixas
IssaBellaFreixas

-laughing- My dog one time while I had friends over was lounging on the sofa, she then walked over by the door, sat down, farted and then walked back over and proceeded to lounge back on the sofa as if she did nothing wrong. Mind you I heard it with my hearing aids in.

Faelan MacMillan
Faelan MacMillan

Didn't see this this morning but I have one to share. I was in 7th grade Social Studies class. We had a sub and were working on a worksheet. It was totally silent in the room. Suddenly I burped, farted, hiccuped and sneezed pretty much at the same time. My eyes teared up I felt exhausted and everyone was looking at me. They already knew I was weird. This confirmed it.

Mialanna
Mialanna

@LauraVolin Thank you so much for sharing this. You absolutely made my day 100% better.

iameverywhere
iameverywhere

@unfortunate giver   I haven't heard the expression "downtown" just yet but I'm reading between the lines and I like it.

JB
JB

Remembering more now too. The same BFF's family are all unabashed farters. They have names for them such as FFF (full face fart) which is pretty self explanatory and Cup o' Fart where you fart in your hand and put it in someone's face. ROFL

Hafiji
Hafiji

That was supposed to be bow, not now. Damn phone.