fart-embarrassedEverybody farts. And that’s okay.

In fact, It’s more than okay. Farts are often some of the funniest things ever. At least in retrospect.

Anyway, as I put together this morning’s yoga fart post, I thought it might be fun to make today an all around act-like-a-12-year-old day. So, over on the SDL Facebook page, I asked you to share your most embarrassing fart stories. One commenter replied, “my aunt refers to a fart as a “panty burp,” which I laughed out loud at, so I hereby name this series “Horrifying Panty Burps.”

But before I share those, I’ll share one of mine. I think it’s only fair.

The year was 2006. I was in Denver interviewing candidates for a manager position at one of our stores. Because I wanted to get in and out as quickly as possible, I was moving them through one after the other, bam bam bam bam bam.

I wasn’t too impressed with anybody but then my dream candidate walked in. Well dressed, well spoken, skilled, hard worker, good work history… the whole shebang. The only problem was, I was desperate for him to leave because something was bubbling up in my innards, and I knew I couldn’t hold it much longer. But, not wanting to lose this guy, I grimaced and held it in.

“So, if I were to hire you, how would you expect your employees to act when it comes to mannerisms and classiness?” I said.

And right as I said the last words, a tiny but powerfully loud fart burst out of me. I just looked at him with wide eyes. “Hopefully better than that,” was all I could reply.

He didn’t take the job.

Anyway, enough about me. Here are your stories. There were at least enough hilarious ones to do two volumes. Maybe more if you share lots of funny stories in the comments.

HORRIFYING PANTY BURPS Vol. 1

  1. My daughter told everyone at the shops that the night before I had done a fart so huge I said it felt like I had just given birth to a wind baby.
  2. My 4 year old just denied farting. She said her butt growled.
  3. Was a month into marriage we are “getting it on” I feel a fart coming and can’t hold it in… only it wasn’t a fart…that beloved amazing man is still married to me 4 years later and he handled it with grace and love… but did make me wash the sheets…twice.
  4. My worst was while I was on that block waiting for the start gun to blast at a swim meet, with the timer person behind me.
  5. When my husband and I were newly dating, we were watching a movie on my couch together. I was lying down with my legs on his lap. I honestly just had to cough, but somehow a fart came out at the same time, totally unexpected. He laughed so hard, and to this day still thinks I did the cough to cover up the fart
  6. My older brother once farted in line at the Soaring ride at Disney World. It smelled so repulsive that this lady in line in front of us (who mistakenly thought it was her husband who farted) got so upset that she slapped her husband!
  7. My friends and I were outside smoking and I was really really really drunk…Apparently, while we were all talking…I backed up, stuck my butt out and let it rip. From what I was told the next day, it was very loud and very long…Thankfully, I don’t remember this event.
  8. I was in a crowded elevator with my mom and I thought it was going to be silent, but it was the loudest fart in the world. I started laughing because it was awkward and I kept farting with my laugh! It was horrifying!
  9. During sex, omg, talk about embarrassing!
  10. In Anatomy & Physiology lab, we had to measure the output of our lungs by blowing as hard as we could into some sort of contraption…the air from my lungs was not the only air expelled.
  11. On a romantic getaway with my husband. Painful tummy, that I was holding back. Finally, we were alone, I thought, and waffled off the biggest and loudest one ever, only to turn around and see a lot of people looking at me in disgust. What could I do?? I pointed at him.
  12. Was really sick in 8th grade. Sitting in algebra sneezed and farted at the same time. My teacher joined in on the laughter at me and called me the one man band. Awesome for a shy girl.
  13. Quiet church, old wooden pews (no pun intended!)
  14. On a quiet plane ride where my boyfriend started gagging and talking about how rude people can be (thinking it was the guy in front of us).
  15. My best friend and I were eating at a fast food joint and I had to fart. Sooo, seeing as how we were about 18 yrs old and really silly all the time, I just let it rip….it was SOOO long! We started laughing and she started saying “Stop! Stop! Stop!”…and I couldn’t stop. In fact, it was SO long and SO funny that I ended up peeing my pants. Yes, there were other people around us eating and yes, I peed so much that I left a puddle on the seat!

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE.

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he’s most known for, with more than 2 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It’s an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!