fart-embarrassedEverybody farts. And that’s okay.

In fact, It’s more than okay. Farts often can be some of the funniest things ever. At least in retrospect. But when they happen unexpectedly, sometimes they’re the most mortifying things ever.

Like the time when I was with a group of new friends and I was desperate to both “ahem”let one go and “ahem” drop one off in the bathroom. We were nearing Walmart, our destination where we’d load up on chocolate milk and goodies for our night of teenage fun. I just figured I’d go once we were inside.

But then as we started walking, the feeling went away. Like, completely. You all know how it does that sometimes. And so I didn’t go to the bathroom.

And then everybody was loading up into the car, and it kind of hit me again. And before I got in, I let one go. I figured it was safe.

Famous last thoughts.

That fart was one of the nastiest and worst ones of my life. All the guys dove into the car for safety (it was that bad) and I followed them in to escape it myself (yes, it was that bad). But that sucker was still in my pants or something because the second I got in the car it hit everyone like a brick wall of rotten milk. And for the rest of the night everyone was laughing at me and calling me disgusting and asking me if I needed to go to the bathroom before I almost kill them all again.

LOL. That was my story. Here are your stories. And I call this series horrifying panty burps because one of you in your comments said that your aunt calls farts panty burps. Which I thought was way too funny.

HORRIFYING PANTY BURPS VOL. 2

  1. My husband and I were at Target one day and I was VERY obviously pregnant. We were standing at the end of a very crowded aisle and he let one go VERY loudly and then quickly darted around the corner. Everyone on that aisle looked at me with disgust until they saw my pregnant belly then it was looks of pity. I found my husband two aisles over laughing his ass off.
  2. I was 33 weeks pregnant going into early labor, I also had walking pneumonia at the time so I was coughing like crazy. The nurse comes in to check my contractions to see if the meds are slowing them down. As soon as she leaves the room I start bawling because they haven’t. Mid sob, the biggest fart of my life comes barreling out of me. My husband was in hysterics while I just sobbed. I wanted to murder him!! It’s a funny story now but for the first year every time he told it I wanted to stab him in the eye!!
  3. I work in a nursing home changing poopy diapers all day… So I just let em rip. no one can hear me anyways.
  4. I had a long, long natural labor with my daughter. After she was born, and the placenta was delivered, the doctor was all up in my business sewing me the heck back up. He had given me a shot down below before starting to add the stitches. I couldn’t feel a thing. Next thing I know….I am letting out about a 25 second continuous blast of gas…right in his face. He was on one of those rolly chairs, and he just pushed himself back, and the 4 other people in the room started laughing, and I said, “I’m sorry….but that has been up there WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too long!” The best part….I have it all on video!
  5. I have so many embarassing stories that my 9 year old has started telling everyone that I have a “black butt in martial farts!”
  6. I was about 8 months pregnant and teaching 7th grade. I had been craving raisin bran… In the middle of a test while monitoring students I was instantly mortified as the loudest sound was reverberating from my backside… Without flinching, in true middle school form, I raised my eyes and looked at the class hooligan, who was just as shocked as I was and then everyone laughed.
  7. We all piled on my bed (4 kids and my husband) watching tv… he fall asleep during the movie. RIPS A HUGE one… sits bolt upright and hollers, “what the hell was that?”
  8. The entire first week I lived with my boyfriend (now husband) I refused to fart in front of him. By the end of the week I had held them in for so long and so often I couldn’t go to the toilet and was in a bit of pain. Finally, I just said Ï’m sorry, but if this doesn’t happen I may die, and proceeded to let out the most glorious, lengthy, cheek vibrating fart ever known. He laughed, the dog left the room and I felt significantly better.
  9. At a funeral while giving a eulogy. After it happened, I simply turned with eyebrows raised and looked directly at my father’s coffin and said, “Daddy!”
  10. I was racing home from dinner out with friends and I got pulled over for going double the speed limit. I was about to be sick at any moment. When the cop walked up I explained why I was going so fast and he leaned down into the open window. At that very moment I let loose a S.B.D (silent but deadly). It was so bad that I wanted out of the car! The cop never said a word but he stood up fast and jogged back to his car and pulled away!

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he’s most known for, with more than 2 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It’s an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!