the
post
visit the
blog
skip to
comments
lots more
sdl
get it in
your email

Horrifying Panty Burps Vol. 2

fart-embarrassedEverybody farts. And that’s okay.

In fact, It’s more than okay. Farts often can be some of the funniest things ever. At least in retrospect. But when they happen unexpectedly, sometimes they’re the most mortifying things ever.

Like the time when I was with a group of new friends and I was desperate to both “ahem”let one go and “ahem” drop one off in the bathroom. We were nearing Walmart, our destination where we’d load up on chocolate milk and goodies for our night of teenage fun. I just figured I’d go once we were inside.

But then as we started walking, the feeling went away. Like, completely. You all know how it does that sometimes. And so I didn’t go to the bathroom.

And then everybody was loading up into the car, and it kind of hit me again. And before I got in, I let one go. I figured it was safe.

Famous last thoughts.

That fart was one of the nastiest and worst ones of my life. All the guys dove into the car for safety (it was that bad) and I followed them in to escape it myself (yes, it was that bad). But that sucker was still in my pants or something because the second I got in the car it hit everyone like a brick wall of rotten milk. And for the rest of the night everyone was laughing at me and calling me disgusting and asking me if I needed to go to the bathroom before I almost kill them all again.

LOL. That was my story. Here are your stories. And I call this series horrifying panty burps because one of you in your comments said that your aunt calls farts panty burps. Which I thought was way too funny.

HORRIFYING PANTY BURPS VOL. 2

  1. My husband and I were at Target one day and I was VERY obviously pregnant. We were standing at the end of a very crowded aisle and he let one go VERY loudly and then quickly darted around the corner. Everyone on that aisle looked at me with disgust until they saw my pregnant belly then it was looks of pity. I found my husband two aisles over laughing his ass off.
  2. I was 33 weeks pregnant going into early labor, I also had walking pneumonia at the time so I was coughing like crazy. The nurse comes in to check my contractions to see if the meds are slowing them down. As soon as she leaves the room I start bawling because they haven’t. Mid sob, the biggest fart of my life comes barreling out of me. My husband was in hysterics while I just sobbed. I wanted to murder him!! It’s a funny story now but for the first year every time he told it I wanted to stab him in the eye!!
  3. I work in a nursing home changing poopy diapers all day… So I just let em rip. no one can hear me anyways.
  4. I had a long, long natural labor with my daughter. After she was born, and the placenta was delivered, the doctor was all up in my business sewing me the heck back up. He had given me a shot down below before starting to add the stitches. I couldn’t feel a thing. Next thing I know….I am letting out about a 25 second continuous blast of gas…right in his face. He was on one of those rolly chairs, and he just pushed himself back, and the 4 other people in the room started laughing, and I said, “I’m sorry….but that has been up there WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too long!” The best part….I have it all on video!
  5. I have so many embarassing stories that my 9 year old has started telling everyone that I have a “black butt in martial farts!”
  6. I was about 8 months pregnant and teaching 7th grade. I had been craving raisin bran… In the middle of a test while monitoring students I was instantly mortified as the loudest sound was reverberating from my backside… Without flinching, in true middle school form, I raised my eyes and looked at the class hooligan, who was just as shocked as I was and then everyone laughed.
  7. We all piled on my bed (4 kids and my husband) watching tv… he fall asleep during the movie. RIPS A HUGE one… sits bolt upright and hollers, “what the hell was that?”
  8. The entire first week I lived with my boyfriend (now husband) I refused to fart in front of him. By the end of the week I had held them in for so long and so often I couldn’t go to the toilet and was in a bit of pain. Finally, I just said Ï’m sorry, but if this doesn’t happen I may die, and proceeded to let out the most glorious, lengthy, cheek vibrating fart ever known. He laughed, the dog left the room and I felt significantly better.
  9. At a funeral while giving a eulogy. After it happened, I simply turned with eyebrows raised and looked directly at my father’s coffin and said, “Daddy!”
  10. I was racing home from dinner out with friends and I got pulled over for going double the speed limit. I was about to be sick at any moment. When the cop walked up I explained why I was going so fast and he leaned down into the open window. At that very moment I let loose a S.B.D (silent but deadly). It was so bad that I wanted out of the car! The cop never said a word but he stood up fast and jogged back to his car and pulled away!

CONTINUED ON PAGE 2

117 comments
LizApleMcCall
LizApleMcCall

When my husband and I were first married he would make the most horrendous stinky farts while sleeping. I would simply lean over the bed, pick up a can of glade and spray him. He wondered for a year where the droplets hitting his face were coming from! We have laughed about this now for 28 years!

My daughter says they are instatoots! Lol!

JennTemplemanOlivero
JennTemplemanOlivero

I'm lactose intolerant. It's not always easy to avoid foods that may contain milk, milk powder, etc,  especially when eating out. I'm lucky that every time I've had to let one go, my wonderful husband has gladly taken the blame, be it just walking  downtown, the grocery store, walmart. Thank you Adam!

Capucine
Capucine

IT warms my heart to hear so many other stories, especially the pregnant ones. About 7-8 months into my pregnancy, my lo was apparently sitting really low in my belly. I worked as a cashier in a hardware store. I would get these short explosive farts. The kind that people really aren't sure whether or not they actually heard it. I would pretend it never happened. Until one cunstruction regular of mine quietly told me I sounded like a nail gun........

Mialanna
Mialanna

I just about died. I absolutely couldn't breathe for a moment. Thank you so much for the laughter. Tears streaming down my face. Number 14 is priceless. "MOTHER OF PEARL, FIRE IN THE POOP DECK."

Muzikmaker
Muzikmaker

When we had (over 400 long and short term) foster children........along with our own 3 children.......we were always looking fir something to laugh at.....and is there anything more embarrassing and laughable than audible and stinky farts?  So we would rate them on a scale of 1 to 10.  Points were give for length, volume, smell and 'sound affects' a.e. 'juicy sounding' or 'machine gun'.  Guaranteed to lighten a tense moment......but the Placement coordinator was NOT impressed when he found out.  Apparently he thought it was part of my job to teach them some manners.......bwahahaha!!!

HeatherGleasonAbbey
HeatherGleasonAbbey

I have two stories.  One is mine.  Another is a friend's.  I'll start with hers.  As a Junior, she had a huge crush on a senior who finally asked her out.  They were in his basement on their very first date, playing a board game when she accidently let one rip.  Already mortified with embarrassment, next thing she hears is footsteps running up the stairs and her date's little brother yelling "Mom, Dad, Eric's date just farted!"  She didn't go to school for a week.

My story brings just a little bit of guilt followed by a LOT of laughter everytime I think of it.  My first daughter was only about 3 and she had this aweful obsession with wrapping her arms around my legs and burrying her face wherever it just so happened to land.  This one particular time, thinking nothing of it, I let out an SBD, about one second before she came running, wrapped her arms around my legs and burried her face in my crack!!!  Poor girl had no idea what she had comin!  Sounds disgusting, I know, but her reaction was priceless!  She quickly backed away and with the most sour, disgusted look on her face said, "oh momma, you stink!"

Joleen
Joleen

One night I was getting my 2 1/2 year old ready for bed and she had pretty bad gas. I had just gotten the diaper on her when she let a huge, loud  one loose. her 11 year old sister laughed and laughed. Then asked her if she could do it again., and she did. they did this over and over again. Probably 15 times, and she just kept farting. they were both laughing so hard when it was time to turn off the lights that the toots were flowing freely. I was just glad she was in a diaper....

TiffanyS
TiffanyS

I laughed until I cried! Thanks for the awesome stories! When my oldest son was younger, he loved cutting the cheese whenever he could and would say "Smell my power!" He cracked me up.

SammyJankis
SammyJankis

I'm frequently accused of sneaking up on people, as I walk very quietly without shuffling my feet or stomping.  Once I was in a parking lot walking toward the same business as the woman in front of me.  As I was preparing to pass by her, she let a massive one go without realizing I was there.  She immediately started fanning her bottom with her hand and exclaimed, "OH!  Jesus help me!"  I tried not to laugh so that she wouldn't realize I was there, but I couldn't help myself.

DianaCase
DianaCase

I have three incidences, but only one truly embarrassed me.  The embarrassing one....I was late into my pregnancy and at the grocery store in the baby aisle.  There was no one else in this aisle and as I bent over to grab something off of the shelf, a fart I had no idea was even brewing came out. A manly-type fart at that.  I look up and a very handsome man was a quarter way down the aisle heading in my direction.  I dropped what I picked up and quickly left the store.  Second story is hilarious to me.  We kept the litter box in our room.  In bed, my dear hubby sleeping deeply, I let the smelliest fart of my life escape.  He sat up and said the damn cat just $h!t.  I told him it was me and not a cat, but he said no way was it me, it had to be the cat because it was so bad.  I loved every second of that and laughed until my belly hurt.  Last story comes from High School years and although usually no one was behind me, I was still embarrassed everyday.  I was very shy back then and unfortunately gassy as well.  I would hold them him ALL DAY through school and everyday when I got off the bus to walk the rest of the way home, farts would escape with every step I took all the way home.  I had the "walking farts".  HAHAHAHAHA!  I find farts hilarious and am the only female in a house of males and we are all gassy, gassy people.  I can rip one just as impressively as they do, however, I try my absolute best to NOT do it in public......unlike my husband.  He has no shame.

Missy Woessner Munson
Missy Woessner Munson

My grandson had spent the night with us and when I stretched, one morning one rocked the bed. I said, "Excuse me." and he replied, "Why what did you do?" "I just farted, sorry." He said, "Girls don't fart. It was the bed."

Leanne Alcantara
Leanne Alcantara

ok ok , I was in church when it happened to me, it was sooo loud and embarrassing just as we went silent for prayer ......I tried everything to hold that in until a song... not fair :( ... I gave my son a filthy look and carried on with the service bahahahahaha

Shelleyd77
Shelleyd77

Just tonight, my cat laid behind me in bed as I let one go. She was sleeping, then looked at me terrified that something was coming at her. Lol! But the joke's on her because when she was a kitten, she used to sleep around my neck with her butt in my face and give me a bunch of sbd's. We changed her cat food pretty fast.

Woobie21
Woobie21

#20 - OMG that sounds like something my daughter would do! :D

jamieyake
jamieyake

My husband is thoroughly enjoying the fact that I read these today...my abs hurt I have a headache from the lack of oxygen while I laughed and my kids think I've lost my mind. He has cracked several fart jokes and has ripped several, knowing I will burst into hysterical laughter. He happily reminded me of our honeymoon when after only a couple weeks of marriage and a total relationship of only two months we were headed into Six Flags Marine World in Vallejo CA. He came around the car, put his arm around my waist and gave me a squeeze which prompted me to of course rip one....loudly. Yeah, honeymoon fun! Five years later I just roll my eyes when he rips them in his sleep or just in general!!!

Janine Hudson
Janine Hudson

Oh my...can't stop laughing-crying. Thanks for that!

Kathryna Dobrick
Kathryna Dobrick

Im at home after a very taxing day at work as a kennel attendant, reading this, killing myself laughing, tears streaming down my face and in massive pain after being taken down by a huge dog earlier in teh afternoon :)

carrieann2030
carrieann2030

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 1/2 years now and we refuse to fart around each other. Well the other day we were at my mothers and I guess I forgot he was sitting next to me and i lifted a cheek....in his direction!! And let one rip which was followed by a contented "ahhh" which was then followed by my gasping at what i had done. I thought i got away with it, until he turned to me and asked if I really just farted on him...even after this we dont fart around each other.

sista sista
sista sista

I learned one thing here today.  If you are speeding and get pulled over, fart-QUICKLY, LOUDLY, FURIOUSLY AND as stinky as possible!

Just Somebody
Just Somebody

I have more stories than I'd care to admit to, but the best one doesn't involve an actual fart at all. My grandmother was the type that you could literally drop the f bomb at the dinner table, just so long as it ended with a k. Somehow THAT didn't phase her. But God forbid you even say the word fart, let alone do it... she'd chew you up one side and down the other. We were all so amused with this phobia of hers that we literally had a bet going for the better part of a decade--rip a noteworthy fart in front of her, with at least one other witness, and maintain a straight face--my dad would pony up $50. No one ever succeeded. A few years ago she passed away after a very short, but intense battle with brain cancer. At he wake, we were all in the room... she was laying at one end in the casket, family was gathered around--my aunts and uncles, cousins, sister... when I made the worst mistake of my life by sitting in a leather arm chair. This poorly thought through decision led to the infamous leather chair fart noise, and the volume seemed to be amplified 100x by the quietness and tears in the room. I sat frozen, with my eyes closed... couldn't even breathe. After what seemed like an hour, I open and glance around the room to assess the damage. One of my cousins was practically having a seizure, she nearly fell to the ground laughing. My uncles were laughing so hard they weren't even making noise--just shaking. My Aunts were glaring at us all (frankly, I'm not sure how we didn't just burst into flames). My sister leans over and using the grandma voice she had channeled, asks me if I need to go to the bathroom. My sides hurt for a WEEK.

Eileen Beare
Eileen Beare

Thanks for sharing, Kris! I laughed so hard I had to keep drying my eyes to read the next one!!!

Crystal Rivers
Crystal Rivers

As I was reading this, just finished #7 about to start #8 my 2 year old son comes up to me, turns around, puts his butt on my knee and lets out the loudest fart, then runs away laughing. Yep, my husband taught him to fart ON people. Oh the joys of motherhood!

Kathy Rausch
Kathy Rausch

Holy crap, this is hilarious! Pun definitely intended!

monzo
monzo

just so you know...for guys every fart is hysterical...and girls tryin to hide it makes it even funnier...for #5 and #7 i almost peed before i sneezed...lol

#24...i would have stayed with you forever...haha


hgubisch
hgubisch

Ahhhh...I needed that little laugh break! Now I can wipe my eyes and get back to cleaning house! :)

jamieyake
jamieyake

I was dating a guy I'd met at school and decided to go from where I lived in Maine to PA to visit him and meet his family. His mother decided to have a yard sale the weekend I was there and put the two of us to work bringing things up from the basement. We were still in our "proper stage" of manners and ways in our dating relationship...no burps, farts or anything else that would be rude! I had picked up a box of old books and as he bent to pick up a HUGE box (he was a very muscular, good looking, clean cut kind of guy) the pressure and weight of the box caused him to rip a very loud one. I bolted from the basement laughing and fell down the porch steps. His mother asked what was wrong but I was laughing too hard to tell her and he came crawling out of the front door laughing to hard to explain as well....it took quite a few minutes to be able to speak, we had to stop looking at each other or we'd start all over again. 

jamieyake
jamieyake

Just as I was reading the phrase "Laughing. Out. Loud. Haha." my husband ripped a loud "popcorn" as my son calls them.......I burst out laughing yet again and he calmly asked me, "are you ok??" No, no I don' think I am now!!!! Thanks for the continued laugh!!

sarahgracenelson4991
sarahgracenelson4991

This has made my week. I laughed until I couldn't breathe, my sides hurt, and tears were streaming down my face. Side note, laughter that lasts that long can eventually feel like a labor contraction.

LeaAnderson
LeaAnderson

when my daughter's father and i were together, we'd had a fight. in the middle of it, i felt the pressure building in my belly. thinking it'd be a SBD, i went over to him,sat in his lap and wrapped my arms lovingly around his neck and let it go. instead of a SBD, it was loud, long, and vibrated the whole porch!!!! that was the end of that arguement as we both laughed hysterically at my "revenge" :-)

jamieyake
jamieyake

Oh my word I needed this laugh....I had seen the video you posted and then linked over to this. I had a giggle out of the video but my laughter and my husband simply laughing AT ME because I was laughing so hard attracted the attention of my four children!!! I've been sick in bed for a few days after a nasty back injury so it's been a depressing week.....anyway, my 11 year old son thought it was great that Mom was laughing at fart stories, excuse me "panty burps." I really needed this and right now can barely see because the bouts of laughter keep hitting and the tears from laughing just too hard to breathe are still rolling down my cheeks! Sheesh

RichterEOD
RichterEOD

I decided it was time to get back in shape. So I took a class at a fitness center.

The instructor came over and was helping me with crunches. She was fit, she was very good looking and as soon as she locked onto my ankles I started my first crunch and then it happened. I was so focused on keeping my abs tight, the something else loosened up.

It was loud, the whole class heard it and what did I do? Typical guy move, next time up, I made a fart noise with my mouth trying to cover up my embarrassment...

Brady Lindsay
Brady Lindsay

I have a headache from holding the laughing in to not disturb the sleeping baby.

ClaireMarie
ClaireMarie

I just got my tonsils out and it kills to laugh, but it was totally worth it! Just what I needed to get out of this funk!

Here's my story...

A few weeks ago, my basketball team made it to finals. As cheerleaders, the Varsity girls were invited to go along and cheer. Only my closest friend and my immediate family know the nastiness of my farts. Then, I was having problems going to the bathroom (mom forcing me to take fiber, etc.). As all six of us were finally tucked into bed, I had gotten up to turn on the air conditioner because it was growing hot in the room. Once I laid back down, I let a super silent one go (I was in bed with my sister) and it smelled. Terribly. I kept hoping it would go away quickly, but it didn't! Then, the one person who should know to stay quiet about it for she lives with me loudly proclaimed, "What is that awful smell?!" I hit her hard. And she also shouted, "ow!" That gave me away... I heard from the other side of the room, "I thought it was just the air conditioner giving off gross smells!" I should have stayed quiet and blamed it on the air for it was February and no one should be using the air in February in Ohio. Luckily for me, I had an excuse-- I ended up getting sick with the flu halfway through the night! Now, that is another story..getting the flu in a hotel room with five other girls and one bathroom.. three hours from home.

KrisPearson
KrisPearson

Ok. Here's mine...or rather my husband's. He drives a truck 300 miles every day. It causes him lower back trouble. He sent me a text, in all caps, saying he had farted so hard his lower back popped back into place! Try not to bust out laughing at that! (And he texted from his next stop, not while driving!!)

KrisPearson
KrisPearson

Oh my gosh. I should NOT have read this at work! I was laughing so hard, I was crying! Sort of obvious I'm not working!!

PamelaJackson
PamelaJackson

I was in second grade.

winter time.. winter boots.

the ones that were ALMOST too small for you but it was February, so mom was thinking just one more snow...

so we used to also wear baggies over our socks and pant legs.

not only does that help slip them on, but helps keep them dry..

well, sitting on the floor in the coat closet, leg up to my ear, trying to slip one off, one slipped out.


ofcourse the cute boy I was crushing on startled, looked at me and asked "what was that?"

without missing a beat, I said "my boot" 

and proceeded to show how the other boot on the wet floor made a fart like noise.

not exactly the same, but alike enough that it could be possible.


thanks for the laugh!

nlcorke
nlcorke

I was dating this guy in university and for some unknown reason he picked me up from behind and as he did he let one rip. It scared him more than me. Mortified he ran to the washroom, maybe to fart some more I don't know but he didn't come out for 40 minutes.

rescuecountry
rescuecountry

Love it. Laughing until I cried. I predict new blog fodder with "The Time I peed my pants..." stories... bet there are lots of those. :)

carsoncaeli
carsoncaeli

So, my boyfriend and I sometimes have strength contests. He's 6'4'' and I'm 5'10''. He picks me up and throws me over his shoulder, which drives me NUTS. So a couple of weeks ago I tried to pick him up. I wrapped my arms around his thighs and lifted.  It was wet sounding and brief but I dropped him faster than a hot potato and ran to the other side of the room. "It's a good thing you didn't give it one more push." We both laughed so hard we fell down and I got an asthma attack. He hasn't mentioned it since. I think he's a keeper.

Woobie21
Woobie21

Note to self:  Do NOT read articles like this while at work.  I have tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard, and trying not to laugh really loudly and long like I really want to do.  These are hilarious!!!  I will have to resume reading the article tonight when I get home.

Heather McVoy
Heather McVoy

These were all extremely funny, and I note that several were pregnant women.  I can so identify.  Loved # 4.    I've laid some goodies, too.  I wonder if folks might also identify with "when I peed my pants"??!!

RachelKline
RachelKline

These are great!!

When my darling, precious daughter was two and a half she had just gotten out of the bathtub and was sitting on the couch all wrapped up in her towel.  She looked at me innocently and said "mommy, hear this" and she just let one rip.  Then she proudly said "I flatulated!)  (Thanks to my mom for teaching her that word.)  Then she said "I'm going to do it again."  And she did.  Again.  And again.  And again.  Giggling the whole time.  And they smelled HORRIBLE.  I was afraid she was going to need another bath!!

jamieyake
jamieyake

@KrisPearson I originally had been reading these trying to laugh quietly and after a couple of really loud snorts and wiping away the tears I gave up....that's when the four kids who are home came to investigate what was going on!