Yesterday I told you all that I was falling in love with someone. I’ll talk more about that in the future. I really am falling, head over heels, but first I want to post this. I wrote the brunt of it a little while ago (I’ve edited it somewhat after yesterday’s response) and feel like I should share it before time makes it irrelevant for me. And, since so many of you responded, “but I thought, but I thought, but I thought…” about my sexuality after yesterday’s post, I think I need to do this.
“I don’t think I actually like guys.”
Those are the words I very unexpectedly found myself saying to my best friends a couple weeks ago as we stayed up late drinking beers and downing an entire pack of those new coconut Oreos (which, by the way, are sinfully good).
After so much has happened since I came out as bisexual four months ago (and to people close to me many months before that), I really hated even bringing it up. I mean, I don’t want every topic forever more to be centered around my sexuality.
And yet, here I am, and I’m going to remove that label from myself to you all today. If I can. I am not a bisexual. I am not straight. I am not gay.
I am just me, and I don’t want to be pinned forever more into anything. All these months later, I’m realizing that as freeing as the label was, it is also equally as confining.
Take, for example, yesterday’s post. I told you all I was in love. Lots of you were awesome about it. Many of you commented only on my sexuality. Others of you questioned very openly whether I was lying to myself, lying to others, incapable of love, etc. etc.
And to a large degree, it was my fault. After all, I painted a label on myself when I came out.
But, “I don’t think I actually like guys.” I really didn’t expect to say those words to my friends.
Was I wrong with who I told you all I was so many months ago? No. Was I mistaken? No. Am I recanting anything I previously said? No. Let me explain.
Since coming out, my sexual attraction to men has not changed. At all. I still find myself very attracted to certain men (think Ryan Hurst, season one of Sons of Anarchy, maybe that’s weird). I could enjoy intimacy with a guy as much as a girl.
But my non-sexual attraction to men has changed. I don’t like guys. So far. I’ve dated lots of them now, and I’ve learned something. Guys really are different in so many ways than girls are, especially in the dating world.