On the Single Dad Laughing Facebook Page, I asked what was the funniest status update you’ve ever posted on your own Facebook wall. Your answers had me ROFLSHMCSCMD (bonus points to whoever can guess what that means).
- Relaying a conversation that happened at our house…Katie is telling us about the sex ed class she’s in right now. Her teacher apparently said “There are three types of sex: oral, vaginal, and anal.” Tim says without pause “I don’t want to hear anymore. Take your vagina upstairs.”
- Would I be arrested if I ran through a fire station yelling movie?
- I don’t care what you think of me. Unless you think I’m awesome. In which case, you’re right. Carry on.
- Accidentally wore a blue shirt and khaki pants to Best Buy this morning. Long story short…I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
- If I opened a camera store called Photo Shop, do you think I’d get sued by Adobe?
- Never thought it possible to loathe a cartoon character, but it really wouldn’t phase me if one day Swiper decided to off Dora.
- My 3 year old Lucy: “My name of Lucy is not fancy. May you just call me Lucifer?”
- My ex has this thing where she likes to dress up like herself and act like a b**** all the time.
- I am proud to say that my a** is now large instead of extra large, thank you very much.
- Watching “Hoarders” — lets me look around my messy house and say, “Hey! At least all of my cats are alive.”
- I really wanted walnuts tonight. The only ones around were surrounded by brownie. Oh well… I play the hand I’m dealt.
- Yo Mama jokes aren’t as effective if you crack them at your own children.
- So….the kids taught the baby to say “oh, poop”, “butt” and “boob”. I guess I can check those off my to-do list now.
- Good Moms let their kids lick the beaters…Great Moms turn them off first.
- Nobody tells you when you bring home your baby boy that one day your job will be to put athletic cups into his undergarments…
- I’m a mom, what’s your super power?
- Made sloppy joes for dinner-so I guess all I have to do now is wait for FOOD NETWORK to call with my show offer!
- Me: Shut your cakehole! My son (without a moment’s pause): If you want me to shut my cakehole, put some CAKE in it!
- In art history today we learned that in prehistoric times, the ideal woman had ginormous boobs and hips, a big belly and a whole bunch of junk in the trunk…I am in the wrong millenium.
- Is it possible to pull a muscle rolling your eyes? I may have a work comp claim on my hands if things keep going this way…
- Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face… Yes my kids found my Sharpie stash.
Oh my gosh, I just read them again. Too funny. Which were your favorites and what was the funniest Facebook status update you’ve ever posted?
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
My post from this morning.
Dear dogs. You have supposedly been housebroken for years. So I would greatly appreciate it if you didn't leave "presents" in the kitchen overnight. I don't like bringing my toddlers down for breakfast in the morning only to have one of them run through a pool of yellow liquid and then turn around to find my other toddler holding a poop log out to me. It freaks me out and it's not a good way to start the day. You should know better. Thank you!!!
While talking to an elderly patient who was nervous about coming back for an appointment scheduled the day after we were supposed to get a huge blizzard:
Me: I will personally take him outside and beat him if he doesn't let you reschedule.
Patient: Thank you. You're so nice.
My little 5yo niece yesterday said her hands were cold. I showed her how she could cross her arms and put her hands under her armpits to warm them up. She said, "but my boobs are too little to get my hands under them." LOL! So I explained I was putting my hands under my armpits, not under my boobs, and she yelled, "Ewwwww! I'm not putting them there!"
After Madonna's Super Bowl Halftime show last year my best friend posted this snippet from our reactions:
K-"really? world peace, madonna?" -
Me- "oh so thats why she had the roman slaves leading her out."
"Needing some new PJ’s for the winter, I decided to stop by the La Vie En Rose outlet store to get myself a great deal.
On the way in, Arianna noticed the sign.
A: “Mommy look at that girl in her pretty dress”
Me: (thinking) not QUITE a dress, my dear…
A: “Oh mommy look at that woman, she is just wearing her bra and underwear”
Me: (thinking) oh oh..this could go bad..what was I thinking bringing my kids to a store like this..I’m just not ready for the potential questions…
A: “Mommy, that woman is just showing off”
Me: (thinking) yes, yes she is. But heck, if I had a body like that, I’d love to show it off too. And then part of me hated that stranger on the signage. For a fleeting moment. Then I got over it."
If they would sit naked in the same bathtub, they wouldn't need the cialis.
My best Facebook status: "You know it's time to do the dishes when you have to eat your cereal with a ladle."
I hate to be the smasher of hope, but Phil's only been accurate 39% of the time. That does, however, beat local weather forcasters by about 15%.
And one from both my kids. Ellie is 5, Jack is 3.
My kids are funny. This morning, I'm in bed. I hear Ellie and Jack get up. They have the following conversation outside my room - loudly.
Ellie: Let's surprise Mama and get dressed ourselves and go downstairs.
Jack: I don't wanna get dressed. I like my jammies.
Ellie: Ok, let's stay in PJs, but go downstairs.
Jack: Ok. But I'm still tired.
Ellie: Then go back to bed!
Jack: I'll sleep on the couch. That'll surprise her. Can we watch a show?
Ellie: I don't know how to start a show. I'll read you a book. It's better for your brain anyway.
Jack is my son. He's three, and hilarious. Here's some postings about him:
Gotta love that Jack. He got a lollipop for helping a teacher. He ate the whole thing, and then looked really sad. I asked him what was wrong. He said, "It was so good, I forgot to leave some for Ellie."
And yesterday, he was playing with his hockey guys - not only did he have them playing and passing the puck, scoring goals...but he also had them fight, and then he lined them all up. Sean asked what they were doing, and he said, "They're singing the song, Daddy." (the national anthem.)
Numbers 7 and 21 made me laugh a lot!
Somebody slowly drove by my apartment around 3am this morning blasting not rap, not rock, but organ music. I'm pretty sure it was the Phantom of the Opera.
#19 was my favorite! My offering: Wendy's Drive-Thru
My daughter Kale: What do you want Dad? Dad Vince: A Jr Bacon and a Codfish; wait, no I can't have fish. Me: Are you serious? You're gonna eat that greasy red meat burger WITH bacon and you're worried about the fish? Vince: I'm not speaking to your mom for ten seconds. Kale: I'll let her know.
#14 and #21 made me lol
#4 had me cracking up! Love it!! Here's a few well-received posts I've had in the past...
What's with all the snowmen in Minnesota? They're all white guys.
[While pregnant]: I made a person today. What the f**k have you done?
[While pregnant]: I'm so creative, I make people.
I love the sloshing buckets of urine {my daughter} keeps dragging into my office, proudly showing off her accomplishments.
#7 made me laugh out loud. I have a 4 year-old Lucy who probably should have been named Lucifer!
LOL!!! Some of those are absolutely hysterical!!!
I have a t-shirt that says "I grow people, what's your super power?"
that was in response to #16 by the way. Also, #21 is my favorite, I can just imagine!
you make Monday so enjoyable !!
Rolling On Floor Laughing So Hard My Child Started Calling Me Dizzy :D
Funniest status update I ever posted was sharing SDL
#14 made me giggle! Just finished washing 3 boys' hockey gear and as I lined up the "nut cups" I thought..."There is some fine print of being a mom!"
My favorite status update: My comforter has a Secret, the hallway has a Secret, the floor has a Secret, the love seat has a Secret. Yup, 2 yr old just "painted his way with my deodorant from the bedroom to the living room. *face palm slap*
Yay! Monday hilarity!
Two things you never want to hear.... "Mom, my poop/fart separator is broken." Followed by "my poop is slushy"
Lose an hour of sleep? That's crazy talk...I wait until noon on Sunday to move my clocks up an hour, then I tell the kids it's 1 pm and they missed lunch.
After reading the Pope's statement that gay marriage is a threat to humanity, a dear friend (who is in a gay marriage) posted the following as his status the next morning. " Y'know ... when I got up this morning I thought to myself ...Threat to Humanity ... or dishes ... as it's cold outside, dishes it is ... ".
A friend just posted:
When you walk into a shit storm at work Monday morning a trip to the gyno for a yearly exam seems like a vacation. :)
http://socyberty.com/history/six-shocking-facts-about-thomas-jefferson/
Those were just great! I love #3..
According to my email this week, there are millions of Russian women who want to "be with" me. I don't think they have my best interest at heart, though.
If you're a bigger girl, please don't cram yourself in bright red leggings that are 3 sizes too small. Sausage casings are for sausage.
That is awesome and vindicates every mundane whining post I read this weekend about Daylight Savings. Thank you.
You know you're getting old when the guys from the "cialis" commercials are starting to look hot.
Hahahahahahaha. Almost died choking on my coffee but it was worth it to read this.
@cat Bwahahahaha!!! That's awesome!!! :D
Goal for summer: Set off the metal detectors at the airport omw to vacation with my abs of steel
"I just walked into the kitchen and found Wyatt holding his hands over his ears, saying "banana, banana, banana!" over and over, and Maddie was pointing to the television and asking me, "can we change this?! It's VERY inappropriate!" I don't know what I was expecting when I looked up at the screen... But I'm pretty sure it wasn't Betty White reading 50 Shades of Grey. Banana, banana, banana!"
So I have a meeting with Stephen King next week at a church....I hope I don't get attacked by a clown, turn into a cat, get bit by Cujo, get runover by a car named Christine, whither away, get hobbled or some crap like that
I just learned how to cut and paste. I just learned how to cut and paste. I just learned how to cut and paste. I just learned how to cut and paste. I just learned how to cut and paste. I just learned how to cut and paste. I just learned how to cut and paste. I just learned how to cut and paste. I just learned how to cut and paste. I just learned how to cut and paste. I just learned how to cut and paste. I just learned how to cut and paste. I just learned how to cut and paste. I just learned how to cut and paste. I just learned how to cut and paste. I just learned how to cut and paste. I just learned how to cut and paste. I just learned how to cut and paste
My funniest post was "Women love the winter because they don't have to shave their legs. I think it's time for me to shave though...my giraffe tattoo has a mustache!"
" I don't charge for awesomeness, my husband would have been in bankruptcy a long time ago"
#21 is my fave, followed by #4. OMG, I'm still laughing about number 21.
"Sorry, Big Bang Theory. You say Sheldon is a genius and Amy is a Neuroscientist, but even my intro psych students know that the spiciness of chili peppers is from activation of pain receptors, not taste buds. So no, the pain you feel when passing a spicy meal does NOT mean your rectum has the sense of taste :p"
So funny! My funniest post (highest # of likes)Was about my oldest son who is hearing impaired.One day Im in the kitchen and I turn around to see him holding his very confused sleepy brother and I say "What are you doing!!?", he replies sayingYou said bring you my brother, I say no I said hand me the butter!! :-)
Numbers 7, 11, and 20 were my favorite. I have two favorites that I did. 1.)Mission = Go to Germany, buy dozens of Kinder Eggs, smuggle them back into America.
2.)So, James and I were going over animals and the noises they make. We got to suck. I said, "The duck says 'Quack, quack.' Can you say 'quack'?" What does James say?? "Cock, cock." Yep. We are skipping the duck for a while...
@Hafiji OMG yes on the Kinder Eggs!
One of my funny ones: Sims just informed me that you need a double bed to WooHoo. They apparently forgot college.
May have to steel one or two of these! :-)
Extra fond of #11. And chuckled through all of them.
#18... Oh Lord, I would have cut off a hunk of cake if it had been sitting in front of me and stuffed it into his mouth!!
Rolling On The Floor Laughing So Hard My... C S C M D? Coffee Shot 'Cross My Dentures?