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On the Single Dad Laughing Facebook Page, I asked what was the funniest status update you’ve ever posted on your own Facebook wall. Your answers had me ROFLSHMCSCMD (bonus points to whoever can guess what that means).

  1. Relaying a conversation that happened at our house…Katie is telling us about the sex ed class she’s in right now. Her teacher apparently said “There are three types of sex: oral, vaginal, and anal.” Tim says without pause “I don’t want to hear anymore. Take your vagina upstairs.”
  2. Would I be arrested if I ran through a fire station yelling movie?
  3. I don’t care what you think of me. Unless you think I’m awesome. In which case, you’re right. Carry on.
  4. Accidentally wore a blue shirt and khaki pants to Best Buy this morning. Long story short…I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
  5. If I opened a camera store called Photo Shop, do you think I’d get sued by Adobe?
  6. Never thought it possible to loathe a cartoon character, but it really wouldn’t phase me if one day Swiper decided to off Dora.
  7. My 3 year old Lucy: “My name of Lucy is not fancy. May you just call me Lucifer?”
  8. My ex has this thing where she likes to dress up like herself and act like a b**** all the time.
  9. I am proud to say that my a** is now large instead of extra large, thank you very much.
  10. Watching “Hoarders” — lets me look around my messy house and say, “Hey! At least all of my cats are alive.”
  11. I really wanted walnuts tonight. The only ones around were surrounded by brownie. Oh well… I play the hand I’m dealt.
  12. Yo Mama jokes aren’t as effective if you crack them at your own children.
  13. So….the kids taught the baby to say “oh, poop”, “butt” and “boob”. I guess I can check those off my to-do list now.
  14. Good Moms let their kids lick the beaters…Great Moms turn them off first.
  15. Nobody tells you when you bring home your baby boy that one day your job will be to put athletic cups into his undergarments…
  16. I’m a mom, what’s your super power?
  17. Made sloppy joes for dinner-so I guess all I have to do now is wait for FOOD NETWORK to call with my show offer!
  18. Me: Shut your cakehole! My son (without a moment’s pause): If you want me to shut my cakehole, put some CAKE in it!
  19. In art history today we learned that in prehistoric times, the ideal woman had ginormous boobs and hips, a big belly and a whole bunch of junk in the trunk…I am in the wrong millenium.
  20. Is it possible to pull a muscle rolling your eyes? I may have a work comp claim on my hands if things keep going this way…
  21. Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face… Yes my kids found my Sharpie stash.

Oh my gosh, I just read them again. Too funny. Which were your favorites and what was the funniest Facebook status update you’ve ever posted?

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 2 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!