Today, let’s just laugh. It’s Friday. We all need a good start to our weekends.
Anyway, I never have awesome jokes right off hand. People say, “tell me a joke,” and my mind always goes blank. I’m a wit man. I like to make humor on the fly.
So, I asked you all on my Facebook page for your Best. Short jokes. Ever. And you delivered. In fact, you delivered a few posts worth of them. Haha.
So thank you. I will now be a funny old man someday. Oh, and some of them were a leeeeettle bit naughty. Or politically incorrect. Or just plain wrong. I pushed those to the last page so that those of you who aren’t as “free spirited” as someone like me can skip them if you like.
Or skip straight to them. Whatever floats your boat.
BEST. SHORT JOKES. EVER.
- A man was walking down the street, followed by six penguins. A police officer saw the man and asked him, “What are you doing with those six penguins?” The man replied, “That’s just it, Officer. I don’t know what to do with them.” The police officer shakes his head and said, “Why don’t you take them to the zoo?!?” The man agrees that this is a great idea. Well, the very next day, the same police officer sees the man and he still has the six penguins following him. However, the penguins are now wearing sunglasses. The police officer calls the man over and says, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!” The man says, “Yes sir, I did. And we had so much fun, today we’re going to the beach!”
- How do you wake Lady Gaga up? Poker Face.
- Guy walks into a doctor’s office with a carrot in his ear and a cube of cheese up his nose, and says, “Doctor, I’m not feeling well!” Doctor responds, “I’m not surprised. You’re not eating properly.”
- Did you know diarrhea is genetic… it runs in your jeans.
- What’s green and has wheels? Grass… I lied about the wheels!
- Panda walks into a bar, sits down, eats, shoots a gun and leaves. Bartender follows him out and asks him why he did that. Panda says to look up panda in the dictionary. Bartender does and it says “Panda Bear. Eats shoots and leaves”.
- Sometimes I squat down, put my arms around my knees, and lean forward… because that’s how I roll!!
- A blonde walks into a library & walks up to the counter & says ” I’ll have cheeseburger, fries & a cola.” The librarian says, “ma’am, this is a library. ” so the blonde leans down and whispers, ” I’ll have a cheeseburger, fries, & a cola.”
- I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
- What did Spock find when he looked in the toilet? Captain’s Log.
- What do ninja’s drink? Waaaattttaaa (water said the same as hiya)!!!
- Whatever you do, always give 100%……unless you’re donating blood.
- What’s the difference between broccoli and boogers? You can’t get your kids to eat broccoli.
- Whoever said “you can achieve anything you put your mind to” never tried slamming a revolving door.
- What do you get when you cross the Atantic and the Titanic? About halfway.
- What do you get when you cross a rabbit and an anesthesiologist? The Ether Bunny!!
- Do you know what a wok is? A wok is what you throw at a wabbit when you don’t have wifle.
- What do old ladies smell like? Depends.
- What do you call an alligator in a vest? An inVESTagator!
- A blonde, a brunette, and redhead escape from jail. The sheriff and his not so bright deputy go searching… The the blonde, brunette and redhead hide up in a barn in sacks.. The deputy sees the sacks kicks the first one and hears “meow,” it’s nothing but a bag of cats sheriff. Kicks the next bag “woof woof” nothing but a bag of dogs sheriff. He kicks the last bag….. “Potatoes!”
- An Irishman walked out of a bar… *scoff* No he didnt.
- What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? OH SHEET!
- What do you call it when one chick pea kills another one? HUMMUSCIDE!
- There are 3 kinds of people in this world….those who can count and those who can’t.
- 2 guys walk into a bar. You’d think the 2nd guy would duck.
- Why did the apple kiss the banana? because it had appeal.
- How much did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced? A buck an ear.
- How often do I attend chemistry class? Periodically.
- What did one tomato say to the other that was falling behind? ketchup!
- When is it time to see a dentist? At Tooth Hurty.
- Three legged dog hobbles into town. Hobbles into the saloon, sits up on the stool. Bartender asks “Can I help you, Dawg?” Dog says “Yeah, Ima lookin’ for the man that shot my paw!”
- What happens when Eskimos sit out on the ice for too long? They get polaroids.
- Why does the little mermaid where a sea shell bra? Because D shells are too big!!
- John, Peter and Paul were fishing one day. After a while, Paul had to pee. So he stands up, steps out of the boat, walks across the water to the shore and pees. Shortly after, John does the same. Much later, Peter could no longer hold it and decides to do the same. He steps out of the boat and sinks. John and Paul look at each other and says “Do you think we should have told him there’s rocks on the other side?”
- Why doesn’t Smokey the Bear and his wife have any cubs? …’Cuz every time she gets hot, he hits her with a shovel!