A while back I decided to ask one of my favorite questions to you over on the SDL Facebook page. “What is the funniest thing you’ve ever heard an old person say.”

More than a thousand of you replied, and your answers had me rollin’ on the floor ever since.

With more than a thousand, I have enough to make several posts out of my favorites. Bad news is, you only get one more of those posts today. Enjoy.

  1. I once asked an old lady how she was doing and she said, “Well, I’m doing a lot … But I’m only keeping the cute ones.” Then she cackled like a witch when she saw the look on my face. So funny.
  2. Almost forgot this one. I got my 76yo mom a Nook tablet, downloaded all her Jehovah’ Witness literature and Bible, etc into it. She was having a terrible time using it, and I encouraged to to just keep trying. She called me one day and proudly announced ” I’ve been playing around with it all day, and I think I’ve finally got my Nookie figured out”. I told her I didn’t think she should mention that at the Kingdom Hall.
  3. My grandma: “Well, your grandpa does a poor job of keeping me warm. He’s so skinny, if he turns sideways and sticks out his tongue he’d look like a zipper. I wish he could turn sideways and stick something else out to look like a half open zipper, but he can’t do that anymore!”
  4. I visited my 97-year-old grandpa last week. He said something to the effect of “Yeah, well I could die today, but why do today what you can put off til tomorrow.”
  5. My great gma “Well frost my ass and call me cupcake”. And in the hospital when her Dr pissed her off she told him to get his scrawny white a** out of her room before she got out of bed and kicked it out.
  6. My grandmother once asked her caregiver how she wipes her ass, because her acrylic nails were so long! Lol
  7. When I was a little girl my grandpa walked in to the living room just after I had finished getting my PJs on after bath. He looked at my wet hair and loudly exclaimed “That little girl needs a blow job!” Mom and Dad laughed until they couldn’t breathe and grandpa turned beet red and walked away shaking his head, all while I yelled “WHAT? What’s so funny?!?!” It was years before I understood why that got the reaction it did.
  8. My grandpa said this at his 80th birthday party 5 years ago “if I want to live to be as old as my grandad I’ll have to spend another 20 years with all you a**holes… No thanks.”
  9. In all seriousness: “Who do you have to sleep with to get a piece of cake around here” when she was apparently not getting cake fast enough at a relative’s wedding.
  10. I asked my 92 year old grandma if she wanted something to drink with her dinner, she replied,”Yes, a shot of whiskey.”
  11. My Grandma(who has alzheimers) just recently said “hi” & opened the front door to let someone in. But only to realize it was her reflection. When my Grandpa asked why she would open the door to a stranger she said “they looked familiar”.
  12. My grandma was driving with my mom to visit me in college…my mom got lost (which happens a lot) and they passed a town called Hancock twice…on the third pass my mom says to Gram “Oh look mom there’s Hancock again” my Gram says back “Well right now any cock will do!”
  13. My grandma asked my sister what college she was going to and what their mascot was. The answer was Oregon State and a beaver. Without missing a beat, my grandma asked, “Oh, is that an all-girl school?”
  14. I work in a call center and I was helping a customer enroll in a program and they said “I’m gonna haffta get on the google.”

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!