You know what they say… Kids say the darndest things. As a parent, I am reminded of that daily. Like when Noah this morning said, “Dad, if you take Spiderman and Batman and squish them together you get the freakiest bug ever.”


Anyway, in an attempt to feel like a normal parent, I asked you on the SDL Facebook Page what the funniest thing was that you’ve ever heard a kid say. Here are a few of your answers.

  1. When my daughter was 4 we were trying to explain jesuss death and ressurection. Afterwards she thought for a minute looked at me and her dad and said “So Jesus is a zombie?”
  2. “Mama, give me my dinner in a big bowl b/c a small bowl makes me eat too fast.” This was from my 8 year
  3. The sun was shining in my 4 yr old son’s eyes in the back seat of the car, and he was grumpy, and yelled ” Would someone PLEASE turn the sun OFF?!”
  4. My friend was pushing a stroller with another friend’s toddler who was overtired and screaming “no!” about being in the stroller. My friend, walking quickly along with her, began a sing-song “no no nono”. Shortly after my friend’s 4-yr-old son leaned over the stroller and told the toddler “today was brought to you by the letter no”.
  5. Student 1: oh no! The lizard isn’t moving. Is it sleeping? student 2: No. Its batteries died.
  6. “You should name my baby brother ‘Bacon’. Because everyone loves bacon!” (from my 4-year old niece, Ellie)
  7. “That’s not cheese! It’s macaroni juice!”
  8. I tried to explain to my almost 5 yrs. old son about the birth of his brother and how his father and I will be together and will see the baby being born. When I was about 7 months pregnant at a family party, my son blurted out, “I know you are going to see that baby went it comes out, but I can’t believe you didn’t see it go in!”
  9. My daughter saw me put a whole chicken in the oven to bake. “Ew, that looks like a kid!”.
  10. Five year old son, complaining about his sister not sharing the video game system: “Mom! (Sister)’s hogging the weed!” That would be “Wii” to the rest of us.
  11. My 6 year old daughter, Charlotte, when we were staying at my brother’s house said to me, “Mommy, are Uncle Tommy and Auntie Carla really rich?” Worried about where this was coming from I paused before starting a lecture and asked her why she thought so. She looked at me very seriously and said, ” Because, Mommy – they have REALLY good toilet paper!”
  12. While teaching my first grade class a student raises her hand and asks “Miss H-are you married?”…seeing this as the perfect opportunity to teach…Ms…Mrs etc….I began explaining. Before I could continue she says….can’t find a man to love you?….as I caught my breathe to respond the student next to her looked at me and said…..maybe its your hair…
  13. On a vacation where work was still haunting me my 8 yr old offered this advice: “Mommy, stop worrying about work. Just pull it out of your head, put it in your pocket and then take off your pants!”
  14. I know all about Jedi’s because I have them on my underpants.
  15. After practically begging her to finish toilet training my 3 year old sweet, beautiful girly saying “I love you mummy but I like pooing in my pants.”
  16. “Mom! Andy won’t get off the tramp and let me play with myself!”
  17. When my 3 year old realized her dad had shaved his beard – “Daddy, you cleaned your chin! You don’t have feathers anymore!”
  18. After purchasing the family Christmas Tree, my brother tied the Christmas Tree on his car to take home. His daughter looked ruefully up at the tree and then to her Daddy and said, “Why can’t we have the tree in the living room like everybody else?”
  19. When my son took his Fischer-Price Doctor stethoscope and put it to his heart, his face lit up as he said, “Mommy, come and listen to my heart–it’s making love!”
  20. Driving in the car at night with my daughter (she was 2 at the time)… “Mama, I have to go poopies, BAD!” Me: “Do you need me to pull over so you can go poopies in the grass?” She paused for a moment, then said, almost as if insulted, “I am not a dog.”

Continued on next page.

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 2 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!