The other day I read a news story about major recent breakthroughs against male pattern baldness. The report ventured a guess that baldness would be a thing of the past within two years.
But I’m telling you right now. Nobody “goes bald” anymore.
There are just full-haired people, and there are people who shave their heads every day. I can’t remember the last time I saw someone with a severely receding hairline or a horseshoe of hair around a shiny bald scalp. Er, at least anyone under the age of 60.
I don’t know if I fully appreciate that. I mean, it used to be that only real tough guys shaved their heads. When you saw someone with a shaved head it meant one of two things. You were about to get beat up, or someone else was about to get beat up.
But now that everyone shaves their heads the moment they notice a couple hairs on their pillows, it makes even the dweebiest of guys look ultra tough and ready to kill. I have a hard time distinguishing nowadays who I can trust to wash my car or take my order at McDonald’s and who I should notice walking toward me and immediately pee in my pants.
Yesterday I walked past the Geek Squad desk and I feared my limbs were about to be ripped of by the two badass shaved-head muscle jocks working the desk. Once safely past, I looked back over my shoulder and realized they were both little guys I could sneeze on and flatten if I needed to. I had just been duped by their lack of any and all hair.
This of course got me to thinking. I mean, I own and ride a Harley now. On top of this head of mine, I was blessed with a thick and luscious head of hair. No need to shave every day to keep from looking like George Costanza. But should I be shaving my head? I mean, I want to look the part if I’m gonna ride the bike.
But, oh wait, nope. I can’t. It wouldn’t matter if I did. Little guys driving mopeds and Dodge Neons shave their heads now which means when I walk into a Starbucks, the line isn’t going to move and part way to the cashier for me the way it would have had I shaved my head ten years ago.
And that sucks. I own a Harley now. I should be able to roll in on Delilah (yep, that’s the name that won out over on Facebook), walk in with my tattooed arms, bald head, and sleeveless shirt, and glare my way into anything I want.