Today, let’s just laugh. It’s the middle of the week. We all need a good push to get over that big hump.
I never have awesome jokes. People say, “tell me a joke,” and my mind always goes blank. I’m a wit man. I like to make humor on the fly.
So, I asked you all on my Facebook page for your Best. Short jokes. Ever. And you delivered. In fact, you delivered a few posts worth of them. Haha.
So thank you. I will now be a funny old man someday. Oh, and some of them were a leeeeettle bit naughty. Or politically incorrect. Or just plain wrong. I pushed those to the last page so that those of you who aren’t as “free spirited” as someone like me can skip them if you like.
Or skip straight to them. Whatever floats your boat.
BEST. SHORT JOKES. EVER.
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all drown?
- My hubby never gets tired of this one…HIM: (asks me any question which requires the answer to be Idaho); ME: Idaho; HIM: I da pimp, get to work!
- I’ve got a great Knock Knock joke…You start it.
- What do you call a three legged donkey? A wonky!
- What did Baby-corn say to Mama-corn? Where’s Pop-corn?
- What do you call a dog with no legs? it doesnt matter, he cant come to you anyway. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left him.
- I tried to build a house out of walnuts, but it turns out that you need floor nuts and roof nuts too.
- What’s big and gray and doesn’t matter? It’s irrelephant.
- What does a 500 pound canary say? (You have to yell it at the top of your lungs) CHHIIIRRRRRPPPPP!!!!
- A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a martini?” Bartender says, “For you, no charge.”
- Knock knock… Who’s there? I’m a pile up.
- A priest a rabbi and a minister walk in a bar. The bartender says: “Is this a joke?”
- What do you call a ninja with red hair? A Ginga.
- What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato!
- Why did Captain Hook cross the road? To get to the second hand store.
- What do vegan zombies eat? GRAAAAAAAAAINS.
- A guy sitting alone at the bar keeps hearing things like “Hi Handsome”, “Nice tie” ” I love your hair” but can’t figure where it’s coming from. He asks the bartender what’s up and the bartender tells him it’s the nuts. “Nuts??” “Yes” the bartender says, ” They’re complimentary”
- Have you seen the new Pirate movie? It’s the one that’s rated Aarrrrrrrr.
- What do astronauts eat in space? Launch Meat.
- Why did the cookie go to the doctor?? ….. Because it felt crumby.
- Two buffalo are at home on the range. A tourist walks up and says, “Those must be the mangiest looking buffalo I’ve ever seen!” One buffalo turns to the other and says, “I think I just heard a discouraging word.”
- Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom.
- A snail is turtle-back-riding…”not so fast!!!”
- What goes ooooooo? A cow with no lips!
- What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
- A baby seal walks into a club.
- Do you want updog? What’s updog? Nothin’ much. You?
- What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
- Why did the elephant paint his toenails the colors of the rainbow? To blend in with the bowl of skittles. Have you ever seen an elephant in a bowl of skittles? Than I guess it’s working!
- What does a cow read every morning? A moospaper!
- If a pig loses its voice, does that make it disgruntled?
- Did you hear Oxygen and Potassium went on a date? It went OK.
- What did the green grape say to the purple grape? “BREATHE!”
- 2 guys were at a bar. The 1st guy ordered H2O, the 2nd guy said “I’ll have H2O too.” the 2nd guy died.
- What do you get when you cross a canary and a lawn mower? Shredded tweet!
- Knock knock Who is there? To. To who? To whom!
- When does an astronaut eat? At LAUNCH time!
- What do you do with a dog who has no legs? Take him for a drag!
- What time did the Chinese man go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty.
Three guys are hiking a trail when they find a genie's lamp on a cliff. The genie says as you jump off the cliff say what you want most and you will land in a heap of it. The chubby guy gets excited and yells, "Jello!" as he jumps off the cliff and happily lands in a soft delicious pile of jello. The greedy guy jumps and shouts, "Money!" and lands in a huge pile of money. Then the horny pervert walks to edge with gleam in his eye....but right be fore he jumps he slips, falls and says, "OH SHIT!!"
I laughed out loud on the knock knock pile up joke. Maybe it's the margarita I'm drinking.... But I'm definitely passing that on!!
I am the only one who thought they were going to be jokes about short people? I'm kind of disappointed- I was looking forward to short jokes! ( I am shortish).
The little boy saying the girl brokes her is FUNNY and the old ladies listening to the sermon was good too lol. Some were silly but still cute.
I didn't really find any of them funny. /:( You're much more humorous in your writings, IMO. And I "LOL"'d when I read the things things that came out of your son's mouth! I do love that you invite us all to be involved at times. :)
for the inaaprorpiate list:
Who likes fisting? ........ Sock Puppets (I heard it on Tosh.O)
Why do Lesbians shop at Sports Authority? ....... Because they don't like Dick's
@Corina C Thats what I was hoping for too! I got all excited (Im 5' almost 3 on a good day)
@danicross a zero wearing a belt looks like an eight 0=8
@Sandra Canizales My grandparents had a needlepoint of that one in their bathroom. Always made me laugh once I understood it.
@GnuMom10 Everyone who read the jokes also read the candid warning about the nature of the jokes on page three. If you chose to click through despite the explicit warning, you are the one responsible for being offended, not Dan, who responsibly and cautiously warned his audience. If you don't want to be offended, don't click on links with blatant caution regarding potentially offensive contents.
@GnuMom10 It's a joke, it shocks people and is not the answer one expects
@StormyzMom It's a play on words. It kind sounds like bow chicka wow wow.
i'm going to go out on a limb and say the disclaimer that was put on all 3 pages of this article was intended directly for you...but clearly you didn't read it
it could have been a woman, man black white chinese or anyone.
the humor is in the unexpected punch line, not in the set up.
@VWmomma @GnuMom10 Of course not! But cultural acceptance of violence against men isn't institutionalized the way violence against women is accepted. This is sexism, but we're supposed to "lighten up" and "have a sense of humor" about it. Would it be funny, or acceptable, if it was about lynching a black person?
@RachelJones1 I still don't get the I'm a pile up... :(
@Bunny I didn't until I said it out loud. There were a couple like that that just didn't make sense... until I said them out loud. Like the "I'm a pile up" knock knock joke.