fart-embarrassedEverybody farts. And that’s okay.

In fact, It’s more than okay. Farts often can be some of the funniest things ever. At least in retrospect. But when they happen unexpectedly, sometimes they’re the most mortifying things ever.

Like back in high school when I was staying the night at my best friend’s house.

We were down in the basement playing cards with his older sister. Her baby was asleep in the next room, though I didn’t know it.

I started sitting on the sofa, but as the game kept going, my need to fart intensified. It finally was so bad that I got down on my knees on the side of the couch and attempted to play from that position.

His sister went into the kitchen for a snack. At the point of not being able to hold it in any longer, I ducked into the room in which the baby was sleeping and let a loud and long one rip. It felt so good and I was so relieved. Until the baby began screaming hysterically. I had woken her up. And probably half-suffocated her in the process.

LOL. That was my story. Here are your stories. And I call this series horrifying panty burps because one of you in your comments said that your aunt calls farts panty burps. Which I thought was way too funny.

HORRIFYING PANTY BURPS VOL. 3

  • I had been dating this guy for less than a month. We were in Hallmark when i started to feel a deep rumble in my tummy. I excused myself and went a few rows over. I did my dirty deed and was about to go back when he started coming down the aisle, passing by a pregnant lady, toward me. He said “oh God what is that smell? I think that lady just crop dusted me!” I was mortified so i went along with his accusation. The problem was, he kept talking about it ( it was that amazing). We went to another store. He asked me to smell his shirt, he thought the smell was still on him. I lost it, laughing until i cried. It dawned on him why. He just shook his head saying “no” over and over again. He felt badly he had made such a big deal. I was just happy he was still talking to me.
  • I fell asleep in my math class junior year, and I farted so loud that I woke myself up. And when I woke up everyone in class was laughing at me. Even my teacher.
  • My family was visiting Disney World years ago with another family. We were all in line for some attraction and I had some wicked gas that I started letting out in a controlled way as we moved forward. I really couldn’t hold it in, despite the fact that I felt terrible for the people behind us. My friend yells at her husband, telling him he stinks and to stop farting. I start giggling and confess to my friend that I was doing it, when suddenly a woman behind us started smacking her husband in the arm and yelling at him to knock it off! We turned our backs to them and tried to hold in our giggles. Poor guy!
  • When our oldest daughter was 7, my husband was laying on the couch and she climbed up onto the arm of the couch where he was resting his head, squatted and farted on his head, then bolted from the scene and hid in her room.
  • I once let a fart out in Spanish class that had a sound that made the class think there was a stray cat in the school courtyard. I never told anyone that i had farted.
  • I was pregnant with twins and the doctor had decided I needed to be induced. So I was admitted into the hospital and he broke my water and hooked me up to IV’s. As a result, I had to sit in the water for about 15 minutes. My mother and children’s father were in room and kept cracking jokes and making me laugh. When the nurse came in to fix my bedding for me, my mother made a wise crack and I laughed so hard I started farting while still sitting in the pool of water… needless to say, I created a lot of bubbles for the nurse…. I thought the nurse was going to die laughing…

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!