fart-embarrassedEverybody farts. And that’s okay.

In fact, It’s more than okay. Farts often can be some of the funniest things ever. At least in retrospect. But when they happen unexpectedly, sometimes they’re the most mortifying things ever.

Like the time when I was in the steam room and I had been sitting all alone for at least the last ten minutes. Feeling safe, and not all that potent, I bent my naked self over and let a little air out.

To my horror it smelled like the rotting carcass of three-day-old smashed raccoon. It’ll all be fine, I thought. As long as no one else comes in.

Yeah. Of course someone right then opened the door and came inside.

Lucky for me, a fresh billow of steam had just filled the room and whoever it was couldn’t see my face.

They could, however, smell it, as was evidenced by the ever so quiet “Grrgghg” sound they made when they first walked in.

In that steam room, the fresh steam doesn’t last too long, so as soon as the other dude sat down, I stood up and made a B-line for the exit, leaving him to think really hard about whatever he had done wrong to deserve such a thing.

LOL. That was my story. Here are your stories. And I call this series horrifying panty burps because one of you in your comments called farts panty burps. Which I thought was way too funny.

HORRIFYING PANTY BURPS VOL. 4

  1. “This is my daddy. He farts all the time.” – my 2 year old daughter, introducing me to complete strangers at the grocery store.
  2. I was riding my horse, just walking, and let one rip. It reflected off the saddle so loud that my horse spooked and took off running. It took weeks to get her to walk in that corner of the arena again!
  3. My sister and I were just two little girls visiting their two aunts one summer. One aunt farts really loud and the other, who is partially deaf, yells from the back room, “was that the phone?”
  4. When my daughter was 3, she had a terrible habit of wrapping her arms around my legs and burying her face wherever it happened to land. Well, one day, without thinking a thing of it, I let out an SBD. A second later, of course, here she comes. She wraps her arms around my legs and buries her face I’m sure you can guess where. Her reaction was priceless! She backed away as fast as she possibly could, and with the most sour, disgusted look on her face said sympathetically, “oh mommy, you stink.”
  5. My grandma was in ballet class and when she bent down she let out a huge fart. Everyone looked at her so she said, “phew! I haven’t done that in five years!”
  6. I went on a mission for my church. While there, some old fat dude with no teeth tries to hit on me. He even does the “stretch, arm around the girl” move. I have not been touched by a dude in nearly a year and a half at this point. I’m wondering how I’m going to get out if it. Then I think, “I have to fart. I can’t. I’m in public. Whatever, dude, just drop it.” So I do. Dude removes his arm, takes a whiff, and leaves. That’s how I roll. The question is, should I proud or embarrassed I smelled bad in France?
  7. My kids and I were in church, near the back of the room. My 3 yo son was sitting on my lap listening to the speaker… He let one rip, and I whispered (very quietly) into his ear, “Did you just fart on me?” As loudly as he was capable of, he yelled, “I didn’t fawt on you, I fawted on me!” and proceeded to break down giggling. I was mortified as many, many heads turned to look at us with smiles on their faces and the speaker had to stop because he couldn’t control his laughter…
  8. My friend farted a dude off her at a concert. He had no personal space boundaries and deserved it.
  9. Walking down the aisle at the grocery store with my fiance and our daughter, the local vet is walking in front of us and all of a sudden, it hits my nose…that smell. I leaned down and quietly whispered to her, “honey, did you have a toot?” to which she replied, rather loudly “no mommy, it was that lady” and pointed to the vet. The lady turned around and shook her head “no” so I leaned down again and said, “honey, what do we say if we toot?” and she replied, “excuse me” and she then proceeded to giggle because she knew she had been busted.

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