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Making Giant Men Squirm

Oranges

Last week I was at Harmon’s, a local grocery store. I think it’s important that I mention the name of the chain and the reason I love shopping there.

Harmon’s is very clean and tidy. It is classy. It is nice. I don’t feel a need to immediately sanitize when I leave for fear of catching some horrible disease like I do at so many other stores. It’s a little more expensive than, say, oh I don’t know, Walmart, but it’s worth it to me to not have to flirt with disgustingness and malady each time I enter.

Anyway, last week I was at Harmon’s. And everything was as it should be. In place. Clean. Orderly. Nice. I headed over to the produce section to get some bananas and avocados. The only two people shopping in produce were me and a man about my age who was much larger than I was.

I think it is important that I mention the size of this man. I am 6’4”. I am a big man. He was at least six foot eight. He probably weighed more than three hundred pounds and if he had a lick of fat on him, I was hard-pressed to find it. He hat a short bush of hair on his head which screamed military. If I were to compare him to anything, it would be King Kong, both because of his stature and because it would take a lot more than some measly little tranquilizers to bring him down.

This guy, who I shall affectionately call Kong, was over by the oranges. He was filling a bag by picking up one orange at a time, studying every side of it, and then nodding and grunting as he put each piece of fruit inside.

I carefully studied a bunch of bananas. After offering my own nod and grunt of approval to my fruit, I set them in my cart and proceeded toward the avocados. This meant passing the orange-scrutinizing Kong.

As I neared him with the cart, something on the orange he was currently holding caused him to yelp.

And I’m not talking about a manly angry yelp. I’m talking a yelp so high and little-girlish that it would have scared a full grown grandpa badger out of its hole.

At the same time he yelped, he dropped the orange he was holding back into the pile and just stood there staring at it with a look of terror and disgust on his face.

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE

367 comments
Kate11
Kate11

OMG!!!! What kind of a person leaves something like that on fruit!? this is possibly the grossest thing I have ever heard, I will never ever see oranges the same way again as im sure you wont either. the grossest thing Ive ever found..? used condom tied shut on the bathroom floor of CVS. stranger's sex juices really gross me out lol

Jessicad
Jessicad

OMG that was so funny I cried laughing!  It's hard to laugh silently like that!  I'm at work and I can't even begin to expalin this to my workmates!!

Redheadslc
Redheadslc

i was unemployed for two years and  i had the sad distinction of having to use a keyboard at work force services (welfare) in west valley, the workforce agent told me i had to esign some stuff and doing it at home on my nice computer was NOT an option, and as i touched the keyboard i felt and saw a fresh booger on the "c" key. i stood up, told the workforce agent i had to go and ran to my car and used windex to clean my hands. i have never gone back to work force services again. btw the worker was wrong and i got all my stuff needed done without ever going in again. 

Guest
Guest

I have the same reaction. One year when I was running the Marine Corps Marathon a kind gentleman was standing in front of the Capitol Building and handing out tissues to any runner that wanted one. This was about mile 18 in the race. Your nose runs as you run. I could not get over the massive amount of tissues that were sticking to the ground. I knew each one was covered in someone's mucus. UGH!

I dry heaved and my stomch lurched for the next few miles. I had a horrible time getting that image out of my head. My splits went down dramatically after that. The next two years I struggled running past the Capitol with the memeory of the first time. The last year I ran past I wsa fine. But occasionally while running that image haunts me to this day and I have to fight back gags.

Carachr1
Carachr1

I had to read this to my husband before he left for work to improve his mood, which it did. Thank you!

Rachel Bailey Musser
Rachel Bailey Musser

My old roommate had no sense of smell. She'd eat anything she found in the fridge, counter! anywhere, not caring if it was rotten. I always politely turned down any offer of food from her because of never being sure where it came from. One time, she was sitting on the couch reading and eating pistaachios. I love pistachios. I grabbed a handful and started peeling them. I opened the first one and it was full of maggots. They all were. My roommate either did nt notice or didn't care. After my shriek fest was over, she informed me that they were a couple of years old. "Is that bad?" asksed she.

Staci Clegg-Raymond
Staci Clegg-Raymond

I work with babies and toddlers with disabilities all day in their natural environments. One of my least favorite experiences was (during cold season) having a child walk up, grab the bottom of my shirt, casually wipe his very runny nose on it, smile at me, then walk away. Oh wait, no, it was when I bent over the year later to show a 2 year old a puzzle to work on and she grabbed a chunk of my hair and wiped her slimy, wet nose on it. Yep, thats the one, that one grossed me out the most. Her Grandma watched in horror (it was at my clients home) and I actually had to ask (because neither of us knew how to proceed) "Can I have a wet wipe"? ;) ahh- kids! And yes, these are true stories.

Steven Strong
Steven Strong

My question is, why wouldn't you alert a clerk in the produce department so they could take care of it? Why would you set it back down and walk away leaving it to contaminate other produce and someone else to discover?

Tammy OKeevan
Tammy OKeevan

I have 6 kids so body fluids don't really bother me. I've seen it all!! I have to admit that I left something in a shopping cart 22 years ago that must have left multiple people gagging!! I was shopping with the kids when they were little - three were in diapers. The one sitting in the seat had a really bad case of diarrhea and all the kids were fussing and acting up. I had just finished shopping and was leaving the store when I hear this churning and bubbling sound. One of the kids said "oh gross...and pointed at the one sitting in the seat of the shopping cart. I looked and saw this volcanic like mass of poo oozing out of the top of his diaper in the back. It was dripping down to the seat and then down to the ground. Plop plop... Oh my god!!! What do you do?? It was everywhere and I had all the kids. I had used all the diapers and wipes on this particular kid because he kept pooing. I threw all the kids in the car wiped what I could with shirts and jackets and took off like a bat out of hell leaving the poo covered cart behind!! Can you imagine the disgust when someone found this mess?? I am so sorry... By the way, I have reformed my ways since then and think of this every time I need a shopping cart. Clean your carts!!

Tammy OKeevan
Tammy OKeevan

My thing is big veins in cooked meat! If I see one when I'm cutting up a roast or steak I get weak and start gagging, especially if i put it in my mouth. It is gag city from there on. Then I can't eat anything! Maybe I should be a vegetarian!!

I_Made_You_Read_This
I_Made_You_Read_This

The only think that really gets me is insects. Spiders: fine, Body...stuff? Bring it on, but centipedes and cockroaches? I have to have a boiling hot shower and then tie my hair into a bun because every time it brushes against my shoulders or back and do this little twitch thing, then spend about 5 minutes frantically slapping at myself just to make sure that nothing is touching me.

Cyndi Lucky
Cyndi Lucky

Tell me about it, Kel! I still gag thinking about it!

Kel Jones
Kel Jones

sooo not watching that Ken... sooooo not watching it.

Kel Jones
Kel Jones

I just gagged Cyndi... that's nasty!

Renee Baumbarger
Renee Baumbarger

This was just great! I was fully expecting a finger or something...lol It's this exact reason I wash my produce before eating it! GROSS!!!

Al B. Cole
Al B. Cole

When I was in Kindergarten, a kid on my bus used to eat his boogers. One day, just to be polite, I offered up one of mine, since it wouldn't have occurred to me to eat it myself and it seemed a shame to let it go to waste. Imagine my surprise at being turned away with it. (Only eats his own...) Now what? Booger in my hand and no place to put it.

Diane Kimes
Diane Kimes

Yup. But then again, we have to deal with so much worse all the time. Of course, in Dan's defense, so does he. But he has booger issues. :D

Catherine Young
Catherine Young

I notice the women, specifically, moms, are unimpressed with big guy booger angst.

John Medlin
John Medlin

What an interesting tale. I've never been disgusted to the point of nausea. I once had a booger sneezed onto my bare knee, but I just said 'yuck'* and flicked it off with my finger, afterwards wiping said finger on my shorts. *Or whatever expression in 195? was the equivalent of "yuck."

Jamasie
Jamasie

Not much scares me. But working in kitchens and restaurants for over a decade I've had more than a fair share of disgusting things come across my hands when I'm not paying attention. Slimy lettuce is annoying. Moldy fruit is common. Bugs in produce is somewhat of common thing depending on the time of year.

I like putting rubber spiders in our grapes that we pluck ourselves, and see who it scares. I'm usually the only guy in a kitchen full of women. I'm sadistic like that. And it's hilarious to hear the screams.

Monkeyjuju
Monkeyjuju

I've been a nurse for over 15 years.  Boogers on fruit are nothing. I learned the hard way to not grab a strangers hand in the dark.

FairyKukla
FairyKukla

Um... Really?

A booger on the outside of an orange? How much orange *PEEL* do you eat, Dan?


Sigh. On the other hand, I'm grossed out by "Mouth noises" and particularly that ghastly sound made with gum that resembles a miniature gunshot.


Or maybe that's just me hoping that there's a gun going off in the chewer's head.


Bodily fluids? Meh. Dirt, mud, etc? It washes. Spiders, snakes, and crawly things? Just put 'em outside or squash them. Boogers? You'd have never survived my house growing up because my two younger brothers were booger ARTISTS. 

Awful noises? Make me want to puke, and also commit homicide. I guess we're all weird.

Joylyn Souter
Joylyn Souter

Your story was very funny, and I enjoyed reading it--with the exception of the comment about squealing like a girl. Why did you feel a need to be sexist? If a great big man squeals, than he is NOT squealing like a little girl, he is squealing like a great big man. Furthermore, to compare a frightened high pitch sound to the sound a small female child might make is insulting to both--the man and the child. You don't mean that he made a "manly" sound, you mean that he was unmanly in his reaction. You don't mean anything positive toward girls, or women, or females, in that very overly used and entirely inaccurate cliche. Why is it unmanly to be frightened or make a high pitched sound as a result of being frightened? This sexist phrase (and others similar to it--"you play like a girl" would be a good example) is inappropriate to be said by anyone who respects their daughters, and the women they will become.

Joylyn1
Joylyn1

Your story was very funny, and I enjoyed reading it--with the exception of the comment about squealing like a girl. Why did you feel a need to be sexist?  If a great big man squeals, than he is NOT squealing like a little girl, he is squealing like a great big man.  Furthermore, to compare a frightened high pitch sound to the sound a small female child might make is insulting to both--the man and the child.  You don't mean that he made a "manly" sound, you mean that he was unmanly in his reaction.  You don't mean anything positive toward girls, or women, or females, in that very overly used and entirely inaccurate cliche.  Why is it unmanly to be frightened or make a high pitched sound as a result of being frightened? This sexist phrase (and others similar to it--"you play like a girl" would be a good example) is inappropriate to be said by anyone who respects their daughters, and the women they will become.

Leslie Marsh
Leslie Marsh

Oooh, a booger would do me in, too. :PPPPP

Vicky Sobey
Vicky Sobey

funny story, but what grosses me out ore is the chemicals the fruit are sprayed with when growing. perhaps more nutrition in the the booger

likelystorey
likelystorey

I can't even say that word. That is MUCH worse than the story I tell about the mom who let her kid slobber all over a green pepper while she talked to her friend, who then PUT THE PEPPER COVERED IN SLOBBER back into the display. Your story is MUCH worse. I think it may be my new Wash Your Produce lesson.

Mary Leonard
Mary Leonard

Pretty much the only thing that makes me gag is when there's phlegm in vomit. I've been a mother for 7.5 years and I worked in a nursing home cleaning up ALL bodily fluids and assisting with tunneling bed sores and other wound care for 8 years before that and even when I cleaned up puddles of blood after a patient fell, I wasn't grossed out. Show me a little bit of phlegm and I'm gagging and looking away. That's the only thing that

rabarbier
rabarbier

I'm so glad you went back!  I was worried I had reached a point in the story where you would say you left WITHOUT knowing!  I can't NOT KNOW even though I now wish I didn' t.  Noses do it to me.  The only thing that makes me slap my child immediately without thought is if I seem them go from nose to mouth.  

KellyJo
KellyJo

Not much gross stuff affects me after having kids. Boogers, pee, poo, vomit are all par for the course when you have kids. Gaping and infected wounds don't bother me, and I have even had baby puke in my mouth. The only time this kind of thing got to me was when I was pregnant, and even walking into a butcher shop smelling raw meat had me gagging.

I did have one time that tested my limits though. The house we lived in when my kids were babies have a lovely corner spa. I had just filled it and was hopping in with my 2 kids aged about 2yo and 6 months (I was holding him). We were in about 2 minutes when the baby decided to poo. Not just a normal poo, a HUGE runny poo. My 2 yo started saying eeeww mum gross and I looked to where he pointed and saw the lovely (gross) poop spreading through the whole bath. I jumped up to get us all out (whilst still holding the baby) and he proceeded to dump a second load all down my side. (shudder). All I could do was pull the plug and wait for him, to finish, all of us covered in poo. Then turn on the shower to clean us all off. Lucky the shower was in the bath. For months after that I could not have a bath with my kids and my kids get great delight in me telling them the story, they actually think it is hilarious.

LaurelC
LaurelC

My then 8-month-old daughter had diarrhea.  While crawling across the length of the livingroom carpet, her diaper erupted like a volcano - smear here, smear there, smears were EVERYWHERE!  By the time I reached her, there was poop all across the livingroom.  I grabbed her up and took her into the bathroom to put her in the tub.  When I sat down on the bathroom floor to disrobe her, I saw that my step-son had missed the toilet and there was a good-sized puddle of pee on the floor.  While my daughter was in the tub, I cleaned up the pee.  My older daughter ran into the room and wiped her snotty nose on my shoulder.  I got my younger daughter out of the tub and just as I was drying her off, I heard my husband's car in the driveway.  I met him on the back deck and right as he stepped up onto the deck, he farted.  I looked right at him and said "You people are disgusting!".......and I went for a drive.

PatriciaAlberts
PatriciaAlberts

Man I am with you 100%...If I could be with you more than 100% I would...snot is my downfall...snot, boogers, any mucous like emanations...I gag...I have vomited...I keep kleenex in my bag so I can give one to a kid with snot on their face, as long as it's clear...if it's not...I have to look away and thrust the kleenex at the kid...I seriously can't stand it...even KNOWING it's there will make my stomach turn over...

I can handle damned near anything else and have...I lived on a farm...blood, guts, gore, dead rotting critters...but not snot...

MarileeFlowers
MarileeFlowers

I am so glad to know that I am not the only person on Earth that has issues with that particular bodily fluid. I can do puke and I have changed enough diapers that poo and pee don't get me. Blood is a given since I am a mother. But mucus and snot make me want to hurl chunks. Thank you that someone else understands this.

Cheryl Mullen
Cheryl Mullen

And yet we expect our men to be present in the delivery room with us when we're passing a human being the size of a bowling ball through our hoo-has. No wonder this doesn't work.

Jennifer Reagan Stettler
Jennifer Reagan Stettler

Good grief! Men are such babies! If a bugger makes you that queasy...it's a good thing you're not a mom

GrettaWright
GrettaWright

Seriously?  I can handle just about anything a human body can produce (as most mothers can), but my kryptonite is spit.  Not saliva, spit. Just typing that makes me want to gag.  Everyone's got that one something, for sure.

Tanya Frey
Tanya Frey

OHH UGGGHH BLEECCCHH! I am not grossed out easily but there is something about snot (most particularly in places it does not belong)that makes me wat to vomit. I mean I start dry heaving vomit. Oh Why... I.. I can't eat dinner now...

Alli Bean
Alli Bean

I once worked in a liquor store. A man was buying a single tall can. He reached into his pocket & after some struggle, he passed me a five dollar bill & as I took it I felt a squish. There was his booger. Between my thumb & the money. I almost threw up on the spot.

Kim Murphy
Kim Murphy

I have four kids and I am a Para at a high school but I would have been puking for sure if I had seen that!!! Oh and the biology class dissected rats today, I almost didn't make it through class!!

Redheadslc
Redheadslc

@LaurelC good for you, except i probably would have kept going for a few days or until the gas ran out. i was laughing so hard1