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Making Giant Men Squirm

Oranges

Last week I was at Harmon’s, a local grocery store. I think it’s important that I mention the name of the chain and the reason I love shopping there.

Harmon’s is very clean and tidy. It is classy. It is nice. I don’t feel a need to immediately sanitize when I leave for fear of catching some horrible disease like I do at so many other stores. It’s a little more expensive than, say, oh I don’t know, Walmart, but it’s worth it to me to not have to flirt with disgustingness and malady each time I enter.

Anyway, last week I was at Harmon’s. And everything was as it should be. In place. Clean. Orderly. Nice. I headed over to the produce section to get some bananas and avocados. The only two people shopping in produce were me and a man about my age who was much larger than I was.

I think it is important that I mention the size of this man. I am 6’4”. I am a big man. He was at least six foot eight. He probably weighed more than three hundred pounds and if he had a lick of fat on him, I was hard-pressed to find it. He hat a short bush of hair on his head which screamed military. If I were to compare him to anything, it would be King Kong, both because of his stature and because it would take a lot more than some measly little tranquilizers to bring him down.

This guy, who I shall affectionately call Kong, was over by the oranges. He was filling a bag by picking up one orange at a time, studying every side of it, and then nodding and grunting as he put each piece of fruit inside.

I carefully studied a bunch of bananas. After offering my own nod and grunt of approval to my fruit, I set them in my cart and proceeded toward the avocados. This meant passing the orange-scrutinizing Kong.

As I neared him with the cart, something on the orange he was currently holding caused him to yelp.

And I’m not talking about a manly angry yelp. I’m talking a yelp so high and little-girlish that it would have scared a full grown grandpa badger out of its hole.

At the same time he yelped, he dropped the orange he was holding back into the pile and just stood there staring at it with a look of terror and disgust on his face.

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE

371 comments
Ann112
Ann112

We moved into a rental and I found dried bloody boogers crusted on the walls of the room that my boys would occupy. I think my husband would describe it as me completely flipping my lid--because I had to look at it pretty hard and pretty close to figure out why it wasn't just coming off so easily. Then I dropped the sanitizing wipes and kept screaming as I ran out of the room. He was laughing so hard until he got me to calm down and I explained what it was. He wasn't too happy but he was the one to eventually scrape it all off--THAT is just SOOOOoooooo disgusting!!!!

Kate11
Kate11

OMG!!!! What kind of a person leaves something like that on fruit!? this is possibly the grossest thing I have ever heard, I will never ever see oranges the same way again as im sure you wont either. the grossest thing Ive ever found..? used condom tied shut on the bathroom floor of CVS. stranger's sex juices really gross me out lol

Jessicad
Jessicad

OMG that was so funny I cried laughing!  It's hard to laugh silently like that!  I'm at work and I can't even begin to expalin this to my workmates!!

Redheadslc
Redheadslc

i was unemployed for two years and  i had the sad distinction of having to use a keyboard at work force services (welfare) in west valley, the workforce agent told me i had to esign some stuff and doing it at home on my nice computer was NOT an option, and as i touched the keyboard i felt and saw a fresh booger on the "c" key. i stood up, told the workforce agent i had to go and ran to my car and used windex to clean my hands. i have never gone back to work force services again. btw the worker was wrong and i got all my stuff needed done without ever going in again. 

Guest
Guest

I have the same reaction. One year when I was running the Marine Corps Marathon a kind gentleman was standing in front of the Capitol Building and handing out tissues to any runner that wanted one. This was about mile 18 in the race. Your nose runs as you run. I could not get over the massive amount of tissues that were sticking to the ground. I knew each one was covered in someone's mucus. UGH!

I dry heaved and my stomch lurched for the next few miles. I had a horrible time getting that image out of my head. My splits went down dramatically after that. The next two years I struggled running past the Capitol with the memeory of the first time. The last year I ran past I wsa fine. But occasionally while running that image haunts me to this day and I have to fight back gags.

Carachr1
Carachr1

I had to read this to my husband before he left for work to improve his mood, which it did. Thank you!

Rachel Bailey Musser
Rachel Bailey Musser

My old roommate had no sense of smell. She'd eat anything she found in the fridge, counter! anywhere, not caring if it was rotten. I always politely turned down any offer of food from her because of never being sure where it came from. One time, she was sitting on the couch reading and eating pistaachios. I love pistachios. I grabbed a handful and started peeling them. I opened the first one and it was full of maggots. They all were. My roommate either did nt notice or didn't care. After my shriek fest was over, she informed me that they were a couple of years old. "Is that bad?" asksed she.

Staci Clegg-Raymond
Staci Clegg-Raymond

I work with babies and toddlers with disabilities all day in their natural environments. One of my least favorite experiences was (during cold season) having a child walk up, grab the bottom of my shirt, casually wipe his very runny nose on it, smile at me, then walk away. Oh wait, no, it was when I bent over the year later to show a 2 year old a puzzle to work on and she grabbed a chunk of my hair and wiped her slimy, wet nose on it. Yep, thats the one, that one grossed me out the most. Her Grandma watched in horror (it was at my clients home) and I actually had to ask (because neither of us knew how to proceed) "Can I have a wet wipe"? ;) ahh- kids! And yes, these are true stories.

Steven Strong
Steven Strong

My question is, why wouldn't you alert a clerk in the produce department so they could take care of it? Why would you set it back down and walk away leaving it to contaminate other produce and someone else to discover?

Tammy OKeevan
Tammy OKeevan

I have 6 kids so body fluids don't really bother me. I've seen it all!! I have to admit that I left something in a shopping cart 22 years ago that must have left multiple people gagging!! I was shopping with the kids when they were little - three were in diapers. The one sitting in the seat had a really bad case of diarrhea and all the kids were fussing and acting up. I had just finished shopping and was leaving the store when I hear this churning and bubbling sound. One of the kids said "oh gross...and pointed at the one sitting in the seat of the shopping cart. I looked and saw this volcanic like mass of poo oozing out of the top of his diaper in the back. It was dripping down to the seat and then down to the ground. Plop plop... Oh my god!!! What do you do?? It was everywhere and I had all the kids. I had used all the diapers and wipes on this particular kid because he kept pooing. I threw all the kids in the car wiped what I could with shirts and jackets and took off like a bat out of hell leaving the poo covered cart behind!! Can you imagine the disgust when someone found this mess?? I am so sorry... By the way, I have reformed my ways since then and think of this every time I need a shopping cart. Clean your carts!!

Tammy OKeevan
Tammy OKeevan

My thing is big veins in cooked meat! If I see one when I'm cutting up a roast or steak I get weak and start gagging, especially if i put it in my mouth. It is gag city from there on. Then I can't eat anything! Maybe I should be a vegetarian!!

I_Made_You_Read_This
I_Made_You_Read_This

The only think that really gets me is insects. Spiders: fine, Body...stuff? Bring it on, but centipedes and cockroaches? I have to have a boiling hot shower and then tie my hair into a bun because every time it brushes against my shoulders or back and do this little twitch thing, then spend about 5 minutes frantically slapping at myself just to make sure that nothing is touching me.

Cyndi Lucky
Cyndi Lucky

Tell me about it, Kel! I still gag thinking about it!

Kel Jones
Kel Jones

sooo not watching that Ken... sooooo not watching it.

Kel Jones
Kel Jones

I just gagged Cyndi... that's nasty!

Renee Baumbarger
Renee Baumbarger

This was just great! I was fully expecting a finger or something...lol It's this exact reason I wash my produce before eating it! GROSS!!!

Al B. Cole
Al B. Cole

When I was in Kindergarten, a kid on my bus used to eat his boogers. One day, just to be polite, I offered up one of mine, since it wouldn't have occurred to me to eat it myself and it seemed a shame to let it go to waste. Imagine my surprise at being turned away with it. (Only eats his own...) Now what? Booger in my hand and no place to put it.

Diane Kimes
Diane Kimes

Yup. But then again, we have to deal with so much worse all the time. Of course, in Dan's defense, so does he. But he has booger issues. :D

Catherine Young
Catherine Young

I notice the women, specifically, moms, are unimpressed with big guy booger angst.

John Medlin
John Medlin

What an interesting tale. I've never been disgusted to the point of nausea. I once had a booger sneezed onto my bare knee, but I just said 'yuck'* and flicked it off with my finger, afterwards wiping said finger on my shorts. *Or whatever expression in 195? was the equivalent of "yuck."

Joylyn Souter
Joylyn Souter

Your story was very funny, and I enjoyed reading it--with the exception of the comment about squealing like a girl. Why did you feel a need to be sexist? If a great big man squeals, than he is NOT squealing like a little girl, he is squealing like a great big man. Furthermore, to compare a frightened high pitch sound to the sound a small female child might make is insulting to both--the man and the child. You don't mean that he made a "manly" sound, you mean that he was unmanly in his reaction. You don't mean anything positive toward girls, or women, or females, in that very overly used and entirely inaccurate cliche. Why is it unmanly to be frightened or make a high pitched sound as a result of being frightened? This sexist phrase (and others similar to it--"you play like a girl" would be a good example) is inappropriate to be said by anyone who respects their daughters, and the women they will become.

Leslie Marsh
Leslie Marsh

Oooh, a booger would do me in, too. :PPPPP

Cheryl Mullen
Cheryl Mullen

And yet we expect our men to be present in the delivery room with us when we're passing a human being the size of a bowling ball through our hoo-has. No wonder this doesn't work.

Jennifer Reagan Stettler
Jennifer Reagan Stettler

Good grief! Men are such babies! If a bugger makes you that queasy...it's a good thing you're not a mom

Tanya Frey
Tanya Frey

OHH UGGGHH BLEECCCHH! I am not grossed out easily but there is something about snot (most particularly in places it does not belong)that makes me wat to vomit. I mean I start dry heaving vomit. Oh Why... I.. I can't eat dinner now...

Alli Bean
Alli Bean

I once worked in a liquor store. A man was buying a single tall can. He reached into his pocket & after some struggle, he passed me a five dollar bill & as I took it I felt a squish. There was his booger. Between my thumb & the money. I almost threw up on the spot.

Cyndi Lucky
Cyndi Lucky

I don't think being grossed out by someone eating their own dead skin is shallow, sorry.

Emily Ann Hanson
Emily Ann Hanson

Considering I am a surgical tech and have spent time on the trauma team..... I have seen, touched and smelled stuff that you can't even imagine. Yes, I LOVE my job and yes, there is a reason why we OR peeps all sit together in the hospital cafeteria. Peace out!

Catherine Starr
Catherine Starr

OMG! Only a man! A woman, particularly a mom would have set aside the boogered orange and taken the clean ones home. You do realize the person who left that particular present was probably a boy. Lol. I hope you were able to go back for your bananas.

JoAnn Dent Larsen
JoAnn Dent Larsen

I have seen more disgusting things at grocery stores, and other places. Good grief. Just take the orange and hand it over to an employee. I guess I've just wiped too many noses in my life, and I've become desensitized. I laughed right out loud when I read it. I was imagining a moldy, mushy orange that had been sitting under the others for too long. Now THAT would have bothered me...

Tiffany R. Lowe
Tiffany R. Lowe

Lol (literally). I worked as a preschool teacher for ten years and have two boys of my own. I can clean up vomit, blood or feces with not much of an issue, but give me a big snotty booger and ill puke every time!

Cyndi Lucky
Cyndi Lucky

I dated someone for a while who burned his hand pretty badly on a pop-tart (yes, a pop-tart!). His palm blistered, and it was pretty tender for a while. We were watching TV one night, and I happened to glance over at him, noticing his hand near his mouth. I asked, "are you BITING that blister?", to which he calmly replied, "yes". I then questioned, "are you actually swallowing that blistered dead skin?" He then replied, almost indignantly, "yes, it's MY skin". I gagged. After that, every time he wanted to kiss, my over-active imagination could not stop envisioning a mouth full of dead pop-tart burned skin. We don't date anymore....

Mike Mutt Lavender
Mike Mutt Lavender

Okay so the orange thing is gross, but some of the things in the comments made me sick...

H-l Rankin
H-l Rankin

that's IT? just a booger? I was expecting a scorpion at least. Men are SO delicate sometimes.

Heading_West
Heading_West

Oh sweet Jesus. Maggots disgust me more than anything. *gag*

Heading_West
Heading_West

Nope. I know a woman, a mom, who would have reacted at least as spectacularly.