Over on the Single Dad Laughing Facebook Page, I asked a simple question.
“What is the most embarrassing thing your child has ever blurted out to others?”
More than 1,500 of you answered.
And, just as I had hoped, you didn’t fail to deliver some of the best gut-grabbing laughs I’ve had in weeks. Here are a few of your replies…
The Most Embarrassing Things Ever Blurted Out By Kids
- One time while in the fitting room, I overheard a little boy say, quite loudly, “Mommy, are you buying this new swimsuit because you poop-farted in your one last year?”
- While out on a river in a boat with a bunch of friends, my 10-year-old announced she needs to go to the bathroom. I calmly tell her she’s gonna have to wait, to which she yells, “Mom, I have to poop! I’m crowning!”
- “Mom, please don’t sell me on Craigslist! I’ll be good.”
- During my divorce, while the kids and I were at Walmart buying groceries, I put a bottle of wine in my cart and my daughter yells, “Oh, look, Mom’s sad again.”
- My daughter once yelled out “I LOVE VAGINA” as loud as possible in a Walmart. Too bad she was actually referring to LASAGNA – which is what we were having for dinner.
- After getting new Toy Story undies, my son yelled to the drive-through workers at Chick-fil-A, “I’ve gotta woody in my pants!”
- The priest stood up for the second time to speak at my grandson’s Christening yesterday and as he began to speak my 5 year old son yelled, “Oh no, not again”.
- My son was feeling really badly about pooping his pants, so to make him feel better I told him that it happens to everyone, even mommy. The next day we walked in to daycare and told the lead teacher “Yesterday I pooped my pants, but mom said it was ok; it happens to her all the time.”
- My eldest once said “Mom, did you know there are people who don’t want kids?!” I asked how he knew that to which he replied “THEY BUY CARS WITH ONLY TWO DOORS!”
- When I was pregnant, I ended up having to take my three year old daughter to one of my OB appointments. My doctor had to do a vaginal exam to which my daughter replied loudly “Mommy, how come you show your ‘gina to EVERYONE!!??”
- In church, right at the elevation of the Host, my then four year old yelled, “Mom, did you know a cat’s butt is called an ANUS?”
- I was at a store when a toddler was asking her mother for something. The mother was very agitated at the toddler and the toddler blurted out “Mommy needs more wine!”
- Playing with my daughter when she was six and singing Little Bunny Foo-Foo… After a minute she stopped and said “wow, that Bunny Foo-Foo is a real b****!”
- I was volunteering in a third grade classroom reading the Weekly Readers with a group of students. The topic was The Great American Smoke Out when people are encouraged to quit smoking for a day. One little boy proclaimed his Mommy’s boyfriend smoked in the house… But only when Daddy was away on business.
- “Mommy, that lady’s butt is even bigger than yours!!!”
- My nine year old daughter said “Dad, Mom said I’m like you. I don’t have any common sense. Is that true?”
- My son, then five, was on his first soccer team. The color of the team was blue. The coach and the team gather around to choose a name. “Any ideas?”, the coach asks. My son yells out “Blue balls!”
When my middle child was three, he had a bad constipation problem. So, at the direction of the ped, we gave him frequent suppositories. One we're at Target one day, and he screams (this kid didn't come programmed with an inside voice), "Mommy, if my good, will you pwease not put jewwy in my bottom?" I figured I'd better flee the scene before CPS showed up.
My youngest when she was around two started saying "oh sh*t" every time she dropped something. Guess that was one I didn't cover up. Oops.
These were great.
I remember once when my kids were really young (maybe 2 & 5), and we were walking outside of the house. My 5 year old saw some slugs on the pavement and exclaimed "Look mommy, those slugs are pushing each other!" and immediately, my 2 year old exclaims "Ahhh that's such a pain in the ass!"
bahahahahaha, my best friends kid at the age of 4 had heard the word pervert and proceeded to go around looking at people and saying "you dont look like a pervert" "you do look like a pervert" we found out later that her older sister told her pervert meant nice person. it was hilariously awkward.
When my sister was about two years old, my parents took her to her first funeral. Our great uncle, Joe, had died. Before the service started, my parents explained that Joe was in heaven, but they put his body in a box (the casket) so people could go up and say goodbye. A few minutes later, my parents told her that they were going to go up and say bye, but we should sit in the pew and wait (they thought the sight of the body would scare us). My sister stood up on the pew and yelled at the top of her lungs, "But I wanna go see Joe-in-the-box!" Needless to say, we still get a good laugh out of that one :)
In Kindergarten I apparently blurted out "I saw my daddy BARE NAKED in the kitchen, without even any UNDIES on!!!" Amazingly my ultra-oldschool teacher thought it was hilarious, I didn't get in trouble, and she wrote it on a card and sent it home. My mom saved it forever in my schoolwork box.
(our kitchen is between the master bed/bath and the laundry room so sometimes my parents had to sneak naked down the hallway to grab forgotten stuff from the dryer)
According to my mother, when I was about 3 we were walking through a store and I asked very loudly, "Mommy, why is that lady black?" She said she wanted to crawl under a rock! However I received my payback when I was 14 and my little brother was 2. My mom, bother and I were at the store buying bras for the first time and my bother repeatedly yelled "boobies!" the whole time! So embarrassing!
When I worked in a day care, a little girl was telling me all about her new dog. I started asking her questions, trying to figure out what kind of dog it was. After finding out that it was short and kind of long I asked, "Is it a wiener dog?" She answered, "Yep. It's right under his belly."
We were taking my daughter and son to the haunted corn maze. They were 6 and 8 at the time. My son is a big chicken and was freaking out so as we were getting out of the car, all 4 doors were open, my daughter yells out "Hey Floyd, don't be a p*ssy." Everyone in the parking lot froze then busted out laughing. She had no idea it was a bad word.
When I was a small child, I said of the family dog to my grandfather, "Josh doesn't poopy and pee on the floor like Mommy does." My mother was embarrassed, my grandfather thought it was hilarious. No one in my family has the least idea why I said such a thing, maybe I was trying to be funny?
I said a lot of strange things as a kid, though, and usually my parents hadn't the least idea where it came from. One time I knocked on the door of my neighbour's house to see if my friend could come out to play. When I was told she wasn't home, I got very angry and told her grandfather, "Business is business." Where I heard that or how I thought it was relevant to the situation, I have no clue.
I took my son to his annual physical at the end of the appointment the Dr. asked if we had any questions. My 8 year-old son replied, Dr. do you have any mouth wash around here? Then the Dr. said I suppose I can get some. Then my son said, " Because my mom seriously needs some!"
when my oldest daughter was 3, and in a spanish immersion class, we were in line at the bank and a gentleman who happened to be a dwarf was at the counter w/ a teller. my daughter says (LOUDLY): mama!! look at that little boy with the BIG GRANDE HEAD !!
ugh, i watched a man deflate
We were ordering dinner at steaakhouse, the waitress charmingly asked the younger son, Jared, what he would like to have, he very proudly announced...i'll have the chicken titty please. .....
My at the time husband had zero filter on his "potty mouth" and I would ask him to try to watch what he says because children are sponges. He didn't listen to my warning until one day while out on a daddy and son adventure my then 1 and a half year old had a monster diaper blowout and when my husband opened the diaper to change him my son shouted (yes, a very early talker) "Holy shit that stinks!"
We took our daughter to our family doctor when she was eight. Dad was concerned because she had bumps on her chest. When the doctor told her she was just developing, she asked what that meant. Upon hearing the answer, she ran out of the exam room shouting in the crowded waiting room, "Daddy, Daddy, I'm growing tits!"
My family and cousins had gone for the wedding of a close second cousin. After the pastor said you may kiss the bride, announced the couple, and as they were on their way back down the aisle, my 4 year old cousin who wasn't paying attention, yelled out "Can they do it again, I missed it!" The bride and groom laughed the rest of the way down the aisle.
When my daughter was around 3yrs old, we were on the train and a couple seats away sat an Indian man who had a long white beard, was wearing a turban, white clothes and had a bit of a belly! My daughter was so excited to see him that she jumped out of her seat, pointed at the man and yelled out for everyone to hear, "Mom look it's Santa Claus!" Needless to say the man was not very happy and I had some explaining to do to my daughter about yelling and pointing at other people as well as explaining about different cultures and not to stand up while the train is moving!! Poor kid got a big lesson when all she wanted was to go see what she thought was Santa Claus!! It was quite funny later on though...TEE! HEE! =)
Our neighbors just had a baby. And their oldest, Who's ten, Walked up to my brother, who's on the larger side, And put his hand on my brothers stomach and asked "BABY?" it was rather funny. His dad quickly shooed him away.
Who would take a child to a VS store? Disturbing that he/she knew what dental floss meant in that store. Sorry. Not funny.
I think these got funnier and funnier as I read them! Toy Story is my favorite movie, so I guess the comment about Woody was my favorite.
When my oldest was around 3, she asked for some bananas while we were at the grocery store. When I told her that she could have some she yelled "Yay, I got food to eat".
We were at a Baptism & the priest threw some holy water into the crowd which got on my 4 year old son. He then yelled out, "Eww, someone spit on me!"
At Wal-Mart my well intentioned four year old told our cashier, "I really like your green jacket...and your black tooth."
We were on our way to Ohio for my grandfather's funeral. My father was driving and had clearly forgotten my young daughter was in the back seat with me. He proceeded to comment on a billboard he saw advertising a topless bar. About a half mile down the road, my daughter pipes up and says "You mean it doesn't have a ROOF???" We tell that story any chance we get... :)
I was the pianist at church, and was there with my two sons for a Christmas sale we were holding. The pastor told my youngest, "You're being a very good boy!", to which my son replied, "Yeah...Mommy said if I wasn't good, she was gonna beat my a--."
A week after last Christmas, I was babysitting a little girl who was 2.5 years old. She excitedly showed me her new baby doll and proudly said, "My baby doll came from Santa's vagina!!"
When our daughter was about 4 we were leaving a festival. As we drove past a large group of people, she rolled down the window, stuck her head out, and yelled, "Vagina!!!". I was fairly sure someone was going to call the police on me for being a terrible parent.
Where is my damn cookie made me laugh the hardest......
When my daughter was learning about men/women, we were in a department store.. Guess she was almost 2. In an aisle with only one other person who was very close to us... (a lady with short hair and no adornments), my daughter "ponders" outloud (quite loudly).. THAT'S A MAN... a second or two goes by... she she says, "NO, that's a WOMAN" Although I was trying to distract her, she would have nothing to do with anything other than trying to figure out which sex this person was. This goes on 3 or 4 times, to which she finally DECIDES loudly!!.. "THAT'S A WOMAN-MAN. I left the aisle as quickly as possible!
When my then 4 year old was talking to my mom on the phone he was asking her why she and my dad didn't live together (they've been divorced since I was little) and to my horror he asked her if he didn't love her anymore because she was fat. Omg!!
my mom and my younger brother went to the store, he wanted a toy and my mother said "no" so he then got mad and started walking away screaming " help she is not my mother, help i'm being kidnapped" same thing happened when she was in tj lol :) my brother is turning 11 now
My 4 year old son pronounced loudly, in front of both my parents, my older brother, and two of his friends "Mom, I love your big nipples!" (In my defense, I'd say they are about average!)
OMG - #22 was the best....my son while we were checking out at Aldi, looked at the cashier and said, "Hey look! You're missing your front teeth just like me!"
I was on a field trip with my 5 year old nephew We were in the bus driving on the freeway passing the prison work center. When my nephew tells his friend quite loudly "my daddy lives there!"
My then 3yo brother, just learning some of the alphabet in Preschool, had some colored pencils to keep busy during church, leans over to my mom, "is this how you spell boobs?" "almost, you have a d instead of a b" "oh, well I love boobs!"
Another time in church, my other brother who was 2yo at the time, was sitting with my aunt who was fairly large at the time and fairly well endowed. My brother put his hand in her cleavage, pulled out his hand, smells it and exclaimed- "mmm... Smells like boob!l
Another one...I was in a local beauty pageant as a teen. My then 7 year old brother was in like the third row of the audience. Just as the former queen is walking around with the crown hovering over the final contestants, she stops behind the new queen. The crowd gets very quiet and as she lowers the crown you hear my brother shout "EW! She's FAT!" (which she wasn't, she just had a pop belly) and that sentiment made it to the VHS recording they passed out to all of us girls after the pageant.
My 4 year old daughter exclaimed loudly to my BIL's new girlfriend "WOW!! You have big chesties!" while everyone was standing around chatting in the kitchen.
Actually, I think it's hysterical! Guys think that these things are sexy before kids and want us to wear them, but once you get used to a style you want to stick with it even after kids. Bad on Daddy for saying that in front of the kids, not Mommy for taking the kids shopping with her.
@WhattheH I've taken my kids into VS before. What am i supposed to do? Leave them outside, alone, while i get what i need? Hire a baby sitter so i can run to a store for 10 minutes? No. Grow up, it was funny.
The kid probably overheard dad say it & they thought they actually meant the stuff you keep in the bathroom. Grow a funny bone.
We had a newscaster in Detroit not know what Woody meant in colloquial usage. Toy Story on ice was at the local theater & her male partner went to do the review. After his report she asked him if he got a Woody right on live tv. He tried to defer the question but she insisted until they finally cut to commercial. When they came back you could tell the black woman was blushing horribly. I felt bad for her, but I laughed like a mad woman.
Surprised he lived through that one! :)
Also, a friend of mine's daughter (who was quite young at the time) accompanied the four of us adults to dinner. She got a sundae or something and her dad leaned over and swiped it, popping it in his mouth. She was so mad she screamed at the top of her lungs "Don't eat my cherry!!!" and her mother turned purple! That has some 15 years ago and we still talk about it!
Why would a single dad take a four year old to VS? Yuck!
@2MuchInfo @MeganAnhorn The dad didn't take his son to the store, the mom did. The kid probably heard the dad say that it was expensive for dental floss and the kid didn't know what he meant by dental floss. And I would rather bring my child with me when buying underwear than leave them home alone. Your child shouldn't be disturbed by underwear or even women buying underwear. It's not weird.
why wouldn't they? You can't leave the kids behind all the time, and that is compounded by being a single parent. It's not like they're selling Adult Novelty items there.