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Over on the Single Dad Laughing Facebook Page, I asked a simple question.

“What is the most embarrassing thing your child has ever blurted out to others?”

More than 1,500 of you answered.

And, just as I had hoped, you didn’t fail to deliver some of the best gut-grabbing laughs I’ve had in weeks. Here are a few of your replies…

The Most Embarrassing Things Ever Blurted Out By Kids

  1. One time while in the fitting room, I overheard a little boy say, quite loudly, “Mommy, are you buying this new swimsuit because you poop-farted in your one last year?”
  2. While out on a river in a boat with a bunch of friends, my 10-year-old announced she needs to go to the bathroom. I calmly tell her she’s gonna have to wait, to which she yells, “Mom, I have to poop! I’m crowning!”
  3. “Mom, please don’t sell me on Craigslist! I’ll be good.”
  4. During my divorce, while the kids and I were at Walmart buying groceries, I put a bottle of wine in my cart and my daughter yells, “Oh, look, Mom’s sad again.”
  5. My daughter once yelled out “I LOVE VAGINA” as loud as possible in a Walmart. Too bad she was actually referring to LASAGNA – which is what we were having for dinner.
  6. After getting new Toy Story undies, my son yelled to the drive-through workers at Chick-fil-A, “I’ve gotta woody in my pants!”
  7. The priest stood up for the second time to speak at my grandson’s Christening yesterday and as he began to speak my 5 year old son yelled, “Oh no, not again”.
  8. My son was feeling really badly about pooping his pants, so to make him feel better I told him that it happens to everyone, even mommy. The next day we walked in to daycare and told the lead teacher “Yesterday I pooped my pants, but mom said it was ok; it happens to her all the time.”
  9. My eldest once said “Mom, did you know there are people who don’t want kids?!” I asked how he knew that to which he replied “THEY BUY CARS WITH ONLY TWO DOORS!”
  10. When I was pregnant, I ended up having to take my three year old daughter to one of my OB appointments. My doctor had to do a vaginal exam to which my daughter replied loudly “Mommy, how come you show your ‘gina to EVERYONE!!??”
  11. In church, right at the elevation of the Host, my then four year old yelled, “Mom, did you know a cat’s butt is called an ANUS?”
  12. I was at a store when a toddler was asking her mother for something. The mother was very agitated at the toddler and the toddler blurted out “Mommy needs more wine!”
  13. Playing with my daughter when she was six and singing Little Bunny Foo-Foo… After a minute she stopped and said “wow, that Bunny Foo-Foo is a real b****!”
  14. I was volunteering in a third grade classroom reading the Weekly Readers with a group of students. The topic was The Great American Smoke Out when people are encouraged to quit smoking for a day. One little boy proclaimed his Mommy’s boyfriend smoked in the house… But only when Daddy was away on business.
  15. “Mommy, that lady’s butt is even bigger than yours!!!”
  16. My nine year old daughter said “Dad, Mom said I’m like you. I don’t have any common sense. Is that true?”
  17. My son, then five, was on his first soccer team. The color of the team was blue. The coach and the team gather around to choose a name. “Any ideas?”, the coach asks. My son yells out “Blue balls!”

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with nearly half a million daily subscribers as of 2015. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!
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463 comments
RoxanaAMacdougall
RoxanaAMacdougall

up to I looked at the check 4 $7776 , I be certain that my brothers friend could trully erning money in their spare time from there labtop. . there best friend haz done this for only about seventeen months and a short time ago paid the dept on their home and purchased a great new Peugeot 205 GTi . this page

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PattiWigleyPodnar
PattiWigleyPodnar

When my middle child was three, he had a bad constipation problem. So, at the direction of the ped, we gave him frequent suppositories. One we're at Target one day, and he screams (this kid didn't come programmed with an inside voice), "Mommy, if my good, will you pwease not put jewwy in my bottom?" I figured I'd better flee the scene before CPS showed up.

LaurieDutile
LaurieDutile

My youngest when she was around two started saying "oh sh*t" every time she dropped something. Guess that was one I didn't cover up. Oops.

Tiffany
Tiffany

These were great.

I remember once when my kids were really young (maybe 2 & 5), and we were walking outside of the house. My 5 year old saw some slugs on the pavement and exclaimed "Look mommy, those slugs are pushing each other!" and immediately, my 2 year old exclaims "Ahhh that's such a pain in the ass!"

ms k
ms k

bahahahahaha, my best friends kid at the age of 4 had heard the word pervert and proceeded to go around looking at people and saying "you dont look like a pervert" "you do look like a pervert" we found out later that her older sister told her pervert meant nice person. it was hilariously awkward.

loveAllison
loveAllison

When my sister was about two years old, my parents took her to her first funeral. Our great uncle, Joe, had died. Before the service started, my parents explained that Joe was in heaven, but they put his body in a box (the casket) so people could go up and say goodbye. A few minutes later, my parents told her that they were going to go up and say bye, but we should sit in the pew and wait (they thought the sight of the body would scare us). My sister stood up on the pew and yelled at the top of her lungs, "But I wanna go see Joe-in-the-box!" Needless to say, we still get a good laugh out of that one :)

vrichlin
vrichlin

In Kindergarten I apparently blurted out "I saw my daddy BARE NAKED in the kitchen, without even any UNDIES on!!!" Amazingly my ultra-oldschool teacher thought it was hilarious, I didn't get in trouble, and she wrote it on a card and sent it home. My mom saved it forever in my schoolwork box.

(our kitchen is between the master bed/bath and the laundry room so sometimes my parents had to sneak naked down the hallway to grab forgotten stuff from the dryer)

moderndaycwgrl
moderndaycwgrl

According to my mother, when I was about 3 we were walking through a store and I asked very loudly, "Mommy, why is that lady black?" She said she wanted to crawl under a rock! However I received my payback when I was 14 and my little brother was 2. My mom, bother and I were at the store buying bras for the first time and my bother repeatedly yelled "boobies!" the whole time! So embarrassing!

Amy
Amy

When I worked in a day care, a little girl was telling me all about her new dog. I started asking her questions, trying to figure out what kind of dog it was. After finding out that it was short and kind of long I asked, "Is it a wiener dog?" She answered, "Yep. It's right under his belly." 

DisgustedwithSchool
DisgustedwithSchool

We were taking my daughter and son to the haunted corn maze.  They were 6 and 8 at the time.  My son is a big chicken and was freaking out so as we were getting out of the car, all 4 doors were open, my daughter yells out "Hey Floyd, don't be a p*ssy." Everyone in the parking lot froze then busted out laughing.  She had no idea it was a bad word.

SamanthaClements
SamanthaClements

When I was a small child, I said of the family dog to my grandfather, "Josh doesn't poopy and pee on the floor like Mommy does." My mother was embarrassed, my grandfather thought it was hilarious. No one in my family has the least idea why I said such a thing, maybe I was trying to be funny?

I said a lot of strange things as a kid, though, and usually my parents hadn't the least idea where it came from. One time I knocked on the door of my neighbour's house to see if my friend could come out to play. When I was told she wasn't home, I got very angry and told her grandfather, "Business is business." Where I heard that or how I thought it was relevant to the situation, I have no clue.

teww
teww

I took my son to his annual physical at the end of the appointment the Dr. asked if we had any questions.  My 8 year-old son replied, Dr. do you have any mouth wash around here? Then the Dr. said I suppose I can get some. Then my son said, " Because my mom seriously needs some!"

elyssia
elyssia

when my oldest daughter was 3, and in a spanish immersion class, we were in line at the bank and a gentleman who happened to be a dwarf was at the counter w/ a teller. my daughter says (LOUDLY): mama!! look at that little boy with the BIG GRANDE HEAD !!

ugh, i watched a man deflate

vcpierce
vcpierce

We were ordering dinner at steaakhouse, the waitress charmingly asked the younger son, Jared, what he would like to have, he very proudly announced...i'll have the chicken titty please. .....

LeahZeitz
LeahZeitz

My at the time husband had zero filter on his "potty mouth" and I would ask him to try to watch what he says because children are sponges. He didn't listen to my warning until one day while out on a daddy and son adventure my then 1 and a half year old had a monster diaper blowout and when my husband opened the diaper to change him my son shouted (yes, a very early talker) "Holy shit that stinks!"

Just lil old me
Just lil old me

 We took our daughter to our family doctor when she was eight. Dad was concerned because she had bumps on her chest. When the doctor told her she was just developing, she asked what that meant. Upon hearing the answer, she ran out of the exam room shouting in the crowded waiting room, "Daddy, Daddy, I'm growing tits!"

AwakeAndAlive
AwakeAndAlive

My family and cousins had gone for the wedding of a close second cousin. After the pastor said you may kiss the bride, announced the couple, and as they were on their way back down the aisle, my 4 year old cousin who wasn't paying attention, yelled out "Can they do it again, I missed it!" The bride and groom laughed the rest of the way down the aisle.

Sleepybynature
Sleepybynature

When my daughter was around 3yrs old, we were on the train and a couple seats away sat an Indian man who had a long white beard, was wearing a turban, white clothes and had a bit of a belly!  My daughter was so excited to see him that she jumped out of her seat, pointed at the man and yelled out for everyone to hear, "Mom look it's Santa Claus!"  Needless to say the man was not very happy and I had some explaining to do to my daughter about yelling and pointing at other people as well as explaining about different cultures and not to stand up while the train is moving!!  Poor kid got a big lesson when all she wanted was to go see what she thought was Santa Claus!!  It was quite funny later on though...TEE! HEE!  =)  

DanaAnhorn
DanaAnhorn

Our neighbors just had a baby. And their oldest, Who's ten, Walked up to my brother, who's on the larger side, And put his hand on my brothers stomach and asked "BABY?" it was rather funny. His dad quickly shooed him away.

WhattheH
WhattheH

Who would take a child to a VS store?  Disturbing that he/she knew what dental floss meant in that store. Sorry. Not funny.

MeganAnhorn
MeganAnhorn

@WhattheH 

The kid probably overheard dad say it & they thought they actually meant the stuff you keep in the bathroom. Grow a funny bone.

JuliValenti
JuliValenti

@WhattheH I've taken my kids into VS before. What am i supposed to do? Leave them outside, alone, while i get what i need? Hire a baby sitter so i can run to a store for 10 minutes? No. Grow up, it was funny. 

MeganAnhorn
MeganAnhorn

@2MuchInfo 

why wouldn't they? You can't leave the kids behind all the time, and that is compounded by being a single parent. It's not like they're selling Adult Novelty items there. 

KJR
KJR

Actually, I think it's hysterical! Guys think that these things are sexy before kids and want us to wear them, but once you get used to a style you want to stick with it even after kids. Bad on Daddy for saying that in front of the kids, not Mommy for taking the kids shopping with her.

rowan471
rowan471

@2MuchInfo @MeganAnhorn The dad didn't take his son to the store, the mom did. The kid probably heard the dad say that it was expensive for dental floss and the kid didn't know what he meant by dental floss. And I would rather bring my child with me when buying underwear than leave them home alone. Your child shouldn't be disturbed by underwear or even women buying underwear. It's not weird. 

Eireann
Eireann

#5 is an awesme way to come out LOL

CarrieP
CarrieP

I think these got funnier and funnier as I read them!  Toy Story is my favorite movie, so I guess the comment about Woody was my favorite. 

MeganAnhorn
MeganAnhorn

@CarrieP

We had a newscaster in Detroit not know what Woody meant in colloquial usage. Toy Story on ice was at the local theater & her male partner went to do the review. After his report she asked him if he got a Woody right on live tv. He tried to defer the question but she insisted until they finally cut to commercial. When they came back you could tell the black woman was blushing horribly. I felt bad for her, but I laughed like a mad woman. 

JamiePostonBenford
JamiePostonBenford

When my oldest was around 3, she asked for some bananas while we were at the grocery store.  When I told her that she could have some she yelled "Yay, I got food to eat".  

NatashaContreras
NatashaContreras

We were at a Baptism & the priest threw some holy water into the crowd which got on my 4 year old son. He then yelled out, "Eww, someone spit on me!"

AC
AC

At Wal-Mart my well intentioned four year old told our cashier, "I really like your green jacket...and your black tooth."

KJR
KJR

Awesome!!

CRP
CRP

We were on our way to Ohio for my grandfather's funeral. My father was driving and had clearly forgotten my young daughter was in the back seat with me. He proceeded to comment on a billboard he saw advertising a topless bar. About a half mile down the road, my daughter pipes up and says "You mean it doesn't have a ROOF???" We tell that story any chance we get... :) 

JR
JR

I was the pianist at church, and was there with my two sons for a Christmas sale we were holding.  The pastor told my youngest, "You're being a very good boy!", to which my son replied, "Yeah...Mommy said if I wasn't good, she was gonna beat my a--."

danEbragg
danEbragg

A week after last Christmas, I was babysitting a little girl who was 2.5 years old.  She excitedly showed me her new baby doll and proudly said, "My baby doll came from Santa's vagina!!"

kaa1717
kaa1717

When our daughter was about 4 we were leaving a festival. As we drove past a large group of people, she  rolled down the window, stuck her head out, and yelled, "Vagina!!!". I was fairly sure someone was going to call the police on me for being a terrible parent.

BillNuttall
BillNuttall

@kaa1717 So funny and so random. Got a good laugh!