1. My, then two year old, being held by a woman who drew on her eyebrows, exclaimed “You have something on your face!” Followed by proudly wiping off one eyebrow, he said, “There I got it for ya!”
  2. Walking through a department store lingerie department and my then 5 year old bellows, “Mama, why are you looking at panties? You don’t wear those!”
  3. After biting his little sister, a friend of ours jokingly told our son, “sisters don’t taste good, but girlfriends do”. Much to my horror, he repeated it to his entire kindergarten class.
  4. We were at church and they called the young children to the front to talk about tithing and stealing and they asked, “If you found some money lying on the ground, what would you do?” My then four year old daughter replied, “Finders keepers, losers weepers.”
  5. While getting communion, I was holding my two year old daughter. After I received communion my daughter promptly said, “Where’s my damn cookie?”
  6. “Mommy has a badonkadonk butt!”
  7. “How come you don’t have any money? Are we POOR!?” at the Walmart checkout when I told her we didn’t have money for toys.
  8. My son telling a random stranger with a dog , “You know what my dog does? He humps me.”
  9. To a man with an eye patch, my four year old pointed and said: “Look mama, a pirate! Arrrrrrgh!!!”
  10. We were entering a petting zoo and my young son announces loudly, “I can’t wait to see a camel toe!”
  11. My three year old daughter, Tegan, was at the ENT. The Dr. told her that he was giving her nasal spray that mommy had to squirt up her nose every day. He told her it would help her sneezes and stop her snoring. Tegan leaned in and as serious as a judge says “Doctor, I guess you will need to give my Mommy some spray, too.”
  12. During the Lord’s prayer my daughter clearly tells everyone, “Thy will be DUMB”.
  13. “My mommy has a baby in her tummy and when it finds the hole, it’s going to come out!”
  14. In Victoria’s Secret, my then 4 year old said, “Mom, Dad said this is too much to spend on dental floss.”
  15. My 4-year-old daughter shouted out in a restaurant, “Look, mom! Those black people are eating lunch with those white people! And those black people are blacker than those black people!” Mortified, I whispered, “It is not nice to talk about people, especially so loud that they can hear you!” Then she whispered, “It’s just like Dr. King’s dream!” She had been learning about Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. in preschool.
  16. My son informed my mother in law that my husband hid from her when he saw her at Whole Foods.
  17. My son told his sitter that he is a Clownfish, Nana is a mermaid, and Mama is a beluga whale.

Haha. Too funny. You guys (and your kids) rock.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

PS. Which ones made you laugh the hardest? And, what’s the most embarrassing thing your kid has ever blurted out?

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he’s most known for, with more than 2 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It’s an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!