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Pulled from the Truth Box – Week 24

Truth Box

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” ~Philo of Alexandria

After 21 years of self-destructive inner-battles, I finally admitted my biggest secret to myself and to the rest of the world. That day, and the day my son was born, were the two most incredible and wonderful days of my life.

Here on Single Dad Laughing, I started what I call “The Truth Box.” I asked you all to anonymously share a difficult secret that you’ve never told anyone. There were only two sections to fill out on the form. “What everyone thinks is true,” and “what actually is true.” More than six thousand secrets were shared. Every Thursday I try and share 60 of them here. Completely random and exactly as they came in.

These truths aren’t meant to entertain. They aren’t meant to bring us down, either. They’re just an incredible and poignant (though sometimes heavy) reminder that we all are fighting our own great battles.

Pulled from the Truth Box: Week 24

1
What everyone thinks is true:
That I love my new job of one year
What actually is true:
I keep making mistakes and am scared to death I am going to get fired. It is very stressful.
2
What everyone thinks is true:
I’m only interested in my husband.
What actually is true:
I think about my childhood sweetheart on a weekly basis–I miss the chemistry.
3
What everyone thinks is true:
The coffee was good.
What actually is true:
I ran out of filters so I cut an old sock and used that. I’m not even sure it was clean.
4
What everyone thinks is true:
My ex husband and I just decided our marriage didn’t work and we are grateful we never had kids.
What actually is true:
We tried for kids for 4 years. He was a cross dresser and watched legal young teen porn who knew he couldn’t have kids and lied about it.
5
What everyone thinks is true:
That i’m a good happy mom when my kids are around.
What actually is true:
I’m so broken inside from my last relationship of 5yrs (not my kids dad), that it takes all that I have just to make sure my kids won’t see how depressed I get when they’re not.
6
What everyone thinks is true:
My “best friend” and I are working through the huge falling out we had several months ago.
What actually is true:
I loathe her and lost all trust in her. My hubby wants to be friends with her yet so I suck it up and pretend. I’m terrified it’ll fall thru, and my hubby’ll be mad I faked it all.
7
What everyone thinks is true:
That i am taking my time after my marriage broke up from a cheating wife
What actually is true:
I am exploring my bisexual side slowly and think i am much happier than I have been ever.
8
What everyone thinks is true:
That I’m totally in love with my fiance of seven plus years.
What actually is true:
Stopped loving him four years ago. He’s lazy, doesn’t take care of anything, says horrible things about my mom and myself, YELLS at her, and turned his family/friends against me.
9
What everyone thinks is true:
My husband and I are a sedate, dignified, middle-aged couple.
What actually is true:
My husband and I play together like kids, love nudity, board games, and sex toys. We are having the childhood neither of us ever had before.
10
What everyone thinks is true:
My social phobia and anxiety disorder are keeping me from getting a boyfriend.
What actually is true:
I don’t know how to find a guy who is willing to have a BDSM relationship with me AND get to know me for me.
11
What everyone thinks is true:
That our blended family is perfect.
What actually is true:
I hate my stepkids.
12
What everyone thinks is true:
I accepted years ago that my best friend and I would never be together and that I’m happy that he’s married to a woman that he caresbout and that we can still be best friends.
What actually is true:
After 15 years, I am still just as much in love with him as I ever was. I hate his wife for coming between us and I find myself comparing every man I am ever with to him.
13
What everyone thinks is true:
Im happily married.
What actually is true:
I still have strong feeling for a old highschool flame from 25 years ago. We still talk alot but we are both married and I dont know if he has the same feelings as I do?
14
What everyone thinks is true:
Happily married.
What actually is true:
Yes, but I still have two exes that I constantly think about. I never got the closure, and it is SO hard not to reconnect on FB…I don’t know what would happen, can’t tempt myself.
15
What everyone thinks is true:
I am honest.
What actually is true:
I was caught for shoplifting as a 18 yr old, and had to serve community service after going to court. I feel like a fraud every time I want to be a stand up person.
Continued on next page.
169 comments
Eilena
Eilena

#15, you're certainly not the only person to ever do something dishonest and later regret it! The important thing isn't what you did once upon a time, it's how honest you are now. If you can look yourself in the eye and say that now, you'd never steal something/cheat someone/etc you can honestly call yourself an honest person.

SuzanneMcLaughlinReil
SuzanneMcLaughlinReil

#16, I understand exactly how you feel.  I have a 23 year old son that is "different".  I'm convinced that he has Asperger Syndrome, but am not sure how to go about finding out, especially at his age.  I love him with all my heart, but it has been exhausting dealing with it his entire life and with no one willing to admit that he's just not normal.  School was a nightmare, and now he's an adult and we don't know what to do to help him become a healthy functioning adult! 

spacekadet
spacekadet

@ deniseralene It sounds like she is much wiser than her 6 years! My step kids are also not allowed to acknowledge me in public when they are with their mom. They will barely acknowledge their dad either but the oldest (16) is starting to just do whatever she wants and will talk to us. When I was first around the step kids they would hug me, cuddle, and tell me they loved me. They don't do any of that anymore but I know they still love and trust me. It sounds like your little one knows what's going on and that's half the battle. I just hope her mom doesn't get worse. We know that the step kids' mom uses psychological and physical punishment on the kids if they show any kind of happiness with us but they are starting to realize that's not fair to them for her to try to ruin their time with their dad. Plus they usually just forget about whatever she has threatened them with after a couple hours anyway. 

nonvanilla
nonvanilla

#10. Find someone who wants to get to know you, THEN tell them about the BDSM. I know it can be difficult to find someone who will love you for you, and still be into the world. I have been in your place, there is hope! Love and Hugs, a fellow non-vanilla


Tunky19
Tunky19

I enjoy your blog, your witty sense, adorable pics, father/son adventures, and the Truth Box is my fav. :)  You have a way of bringing to the surface that we are all human beings.  Every. Last. One. Of. Us.  It is a constant reminder for me, to try to remember this each day.  Thank you!

joybyrd1433
joybyrd1433

I only hope that somehow seeing your secrets shared in this anonymous way will give you the courage to reach out for help and to make whatever changes necessary to begin living a life you LOVE.  This is what every human being deserves.  But you are the only one who has the power to reach out and DO SOMETHING about it.  You must realize that you are choosing your misery and unhappiness and you can make a different choice.  Especially in the situations where children are involved.  I pray that you all acknowledge your fears for what they are, but then set them aside and make some positive adjustments in your life.  Sending love and light and prayers to each and every one of you and to all the thousands more than have not yet been posted.

barefootmama0709
barefootmama0709

 @TaraMartinez I have to say I had the same thoughts; #6, do you loathe and mistrust your ex bestie because she was inappropriate with your husband? Because....it sounds like there is more going on there than meets the eye; why is your friendship with someone even your husband's business?

mrs.g
mrs.g

#8...life is to short, kick his ass to the curb

Amanda Brennan
Amanda Brennan

The support in the comments from complete strangers is amazing to me!

TaraMartinez
TaraMartinez

@#47 - If you love your husband don't divorce him over his child's behavior. I am sure it is hard on him as well. I have personal experience with this one and if you love your husband then stay with him. Eventually his daughter will move out and you can have your marriage. For now he will probably always choose his child, but all things come out and he will see for himself one day who she really is. He probably already sees it and is just in denial or trying his best to deal with the situation no matter how much it may hurt.

TaraMartinez
TaraMartinez

#6 - I am sorry about your falling out, but I have to wonder WHY your husband wants to be friends with your best friend and why he would be mad if he found out you hate your best friend? In my opinion, your husband should always choose your relationship over any others (unless it's your children/parent relationship in which case your kids should always come first). Just a thought.

lsylvia5
lsylvia5

@ #19 ~ Ever seek a career counselor to help you find a skill set? Some career counselors can be found in surroundings communities or college campuses that can administer career assessments and help you find a better and more supportive job ( also some offer free services).

Ann Dickerson
Ann Dickerson

Dan, thank you so very much for this wonderful thing you do!

Ann Dickerson
Ann Dickerson

@ #8 GET OUT!!!!! You deserve better and have the right to walk away! @ #9 I envy you! lol :) @ #15 Set yourself free from the guilt! We ALL did stupid things when we were younger that we wouldn't do today! I have no doubt you are a better person now. @ #17 My heart breaks for you! This is a secret you should not feel compelled to keep! Tell people about what happened so they will be more considerate of your feelings! @ #27 As the single mother of 4, I can honestly say, I've been there. I don't know how old your daughter is, but when you get frustrated, the best advice I can give is to walk away. I don't care if dinner is burned on the stove. Dishes can be cleaned and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches never hurt anyone. Call a friend, a family member, hell call the line that tells you the correct time or weather! Sometimes, I used to be in dire need of any kind of adult communication that these are the things I would do. Go into the bathroom, close the door, turn on the shower, and scream your head off! But above all, remember, you ARE strong! You CAN do this! and, you are NOT alone! @ #35 GET OUT!!!! No one deserves to be abused! Don't be afraid! Take your kids and run! It will be hard, but you can do it! There are many places you can go to get help. PLEASE, save yourself and your children! Message me if you need to know where to go, I will help you! :) @ #44 Whatever help it is you feel you need, for yourself, please get it! I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering :( I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that everything will be all right, but the truth is, you have suffered the kind of loss that you will never be 100% over. But, you can learn how to cope and deal with the loss in healthier ways. @ #45 Send me a message telling me you need a friend to talk to, and I'll be there :) @ #57 I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you too. I cried for you because I have been in your shoes. I know what it's like to love someone who doesn't love you back and to want to hold on for dear life. All I can say is that with time comes a different perspective. I know that probably sounds empty or hollow, and maybe even trite, but it's true. I wish I had better words of wisdom or could help ease your immediate pain, but I don't, and I can't. Just know you are NOT alone! Things can and will get better, but it might take awhile.

LiveforHim0708
LiveforHim0708

#45 Momma's Cafe facebook group <3 it's a wonderful community of single, married, and "in relationship" mothers who pretty much just talk. we ask give encouragement, advice, prayers, or just a listening ear. I have found so much encouragement through these ladies that I don't know how I would have made it through this past year and a half without them <3 I hope you find a community of mother's that you can get involved with live or online. there's a lot out there. <3

theresawellman07
theresawellman07

If you can contact Number 44, please pass her my email.  I know the pain of loosing a child.  It can bring you down to the point of not wanting to continue breathing.  I want to reach out to her, let her know she is not alone!  My love and hugs go to her!

YbTweety
YbTweety

#9 totally made me smile. Love them!

I would think #11 was my dad's wife - except she'd never be open minded enough to read this blog. LOL

#15 needs to let it go! Shit, I shoplifted when I was a kid too. In junior high I stole a pregnancy test for one of my classmates. LOL We all do stupid stuff in life... Doesn't make you a bad person and certainly doesn't need to define who you are. 

#52 just be open with your friends. Friends who resent you for something you can't help are no friends at all. And I appreciate when my thin friends eat crap when I want to eat crap - makes me feel worse if they sanctimoniously try to eat less or healthier around me. 

Dede Bessey
Dede Bessey

Send #45 my email address, I will be her friend!! Everyone needs a friend. 

Shariscasa
Shariscasa

To anyone - the first time you can look at someone other than your partner and get excited you know you are not with the right person. It's time to move on. Life is too short to be scared of what is around the corner. You have to let go of the bad to be able to find the good. 

MirandaRibbingLundy
MirandaRibbingLundy

To #30 you can take it back, trust me. It's scary, but you can do it. See a counselor, stop jumping from guy to guy and face the fear, otherwise he wins in the end.

deniseraelene
deniseraelene

@spacekadet She is much wiser than her age.  She tells her mom all the time that she wants to live with us.  She used to get hit when she asked.  Now, mom tells her that she can live with us when she's 18 years old.  She got all excited, because she didn't realize that was mom's way of saying she will never get to live with us.  On Sunday (two days ago), she told me she wants us to go to a judge so he can make mom let her live with us.  We will try our best, but we do know that it's an uphill battle.  Mom already lost the older daughter to her biological father, so at least there is hope!

TaraMartinez
TaraMartinez

@barefootmama0709 I wasn't sure of the sex of the friend, so I could see if it was a guy that maybe he genuinely likes hanging out with that best friend. That being said, it's no reason for him to ever get mad if she doesn't want to be friends with the person. her husband should always have her back the way she has his. Plain and simple. if that's not the kind of marriage someone has then maybe there is more there than is being admitted. Who knows.

gignfoxysmom
gignfoxysmom

@TaraMartinez It's nice to be reminded that simply because a spouse doesn't take "my" side doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't see the hurtful behavior....you're right: he may not know how to address it any better than I do. 

Peach
Peach

@Shariscasa I don't think that's true, and it's unfair to paint everyone with the same brush. I am madly in love with my boyfriend- I can't wait to see what our future holds. That being said I do still look at other men. And women. Do I love them? No. Do they tickle my fancy, of course. It's human nature. Our pheromones don;t just stop working because we're in a devoted relationship.

TaraMartinez
TaraMartinez

@MirandaRibbingLundy So true! You can definitely take it back! you're so right, too. If you don't take it back then in the end he does win.

Shariscasa
Shariscasa

@deniseraelene @spacekadet Pull that in to the petition. Losing one child pretty much sets her up to lose the other. No matter the age, when you find out what judge you're going to see have her write her own letter to the judge asking to live with you and why in her own words. 

I hate to hear of children suffering.  :(

spacekadet
spacekadet

@deniseraelene @spacekadet Wow! 2/3 kids have said they want to live with us at different times but mom also uses gifts to keep them in her good graces. We refuse to buy then iPhones and Victoria's Secret clothing so they like being at mom's. Plus she lets them skip school and other various things that could hurt her in a custody battle. Mom also caused her new hubby's custody to go from 50% to 25% because "Step-mother (Respondent's wife) has taken actions which have shown a profound lack of empathy and understanding for the children which are the subject of this proceeding" and "Step-mother and Respondent have created an environment in their home, and by their actions (step-mother) or inaction (Respondent) that has hurt the children emotionally, negatively impacting their adjustment to home, school, and community" so we know we could get custody but hubby doesn't want to "take them away from their mother" plus it would be at least probably a year of court and that's when she is the worst with the comments and brainwashing. We just decided we couldn't afford that financially or emotionally at the moment. 

Shariscasa
Shariscasa

@Peach @Shariscasa Thank you for bringing that to my attention. I can now see where the misunderstanding is. (Forgive me, Autism at it's best.) To be a little more clear, when you can't stop thinking about that other person and have no feelings for who your with then you know you're in the wrong relationship.... is that a little more clear? (I hope.)

Shariscasa
Shariscasa

@deniseraelene @Shariscasa @gignfoxysmom @spacekadet Set up therapy for when she is with you. Don't bother telling mom. If mom gets mad have her petition the court for you to stop. Judge will raise an eyebrow to that one most likely. Her father has just as much right to seek medical treatment for her as mom does. Physical custody doesn't matter as long as they have joint legal custody.

deniseraelene
deniseraelene

@Shariscasa @deniseraelene @spacekadet I've been documenting the situation for over a year, and everything will be going into the petition.  I will include the older sister moving out because she cannot tolerate living with mom.  I will put in the fact that mom hasn't held a job since September 2011, and they live with grandma.  I will be putting that she can't get a full night of sleep at mom's house because mom snores loudly and will not allow the child to sleep in the playroom.  Everything that I've been told will be in the custody petition.  

deniseraelene
deniseraelene

@Shariscasa @gignfoxysmom @deniseraelene @spacekadet We've already been pushing for therapy, but mom refuses and since she's currently the custodial parent, we haven't been very successful in pushing for this.  We will be putting all of this in our custody petition - trust me on that!

Shariscasa
Shariscasa

@gignfoxysmom @Shariscasa @deniseraelene @spacekadet Therapy will do her a world of good anyway. I had my kids in therapy during my divorce and it was one of the best things I could have done for them. The whole blended family thing is hard to begin with. It's even harder when you're being pulled in different directions. I remember that from my parents' divorce.  :(

gignfoxysmom
gignfoxysmom

@Shariscasa @deniseraelene @spacekadet See if you can get her into some counseling.....if she tells a therapist, a mandated reporter what is going on, they HAVE to report it. That statement holds way more weight in court than a school report too

deniseraelene
deniseraelene

@Shariscasa @deniseraelene @spacekadet I've been documenting everything.  Dad has tried resolving this with mom and she says the child is lying.  Child recants the story, probably because she doesn't want another butt spanking.  In California, it's not illegal to spank your child on the butt, and good luck proving it when there are never any marks left on her butt.

Shariscasa
Shariscasa

@deniseraelene @spacekadet A spanking when she gets home for talking to you is child abuse. Call the police or protective services. At least get a report made that she is reporting these events to you. 

Shariscasa
Shariscasa

@deniseraelene @spacekadet  Her "holding it" is a serious health risk. It's called encopresis. Her intestines can get stretched out where she won't be able to go even if she wants to. I have 2 Autistic sons that I deal with having this issue. You may want to get a statement from school telling how many days she's missed and mom's excuses. Get a statement from her teacher as to behaviors or maybe something she said. Good teachers are very observant. Mom could have signed a waiver on the immunizations and gotten her into school but it seems like she chose not to. Any documentation you can give that is not from your or your boyfriend will hold more weight with the courts. If it's from someone else she can't say you're making it up out of spite. Keep receipts for everything you buy for her such as clothes and shoes, too. Make a paper trail showing you are supporting her needs instead of mom.  Michigan is a pro-mom- state. It takes a lot to get a child away from their mother but it is possible. The more documentation you can provide the better.

Good luck - I'll be praying for you! 

spacekadet
spacekadet

@deniseraelene @spacekadet That poor little thing! Sounds like you have an excellent case. Here in Missouri, the child is not allowed to "choose" which parent they want to live with but the judge will either assign a Guardian Ad Litem or just talk to the child himself with only attorneys present. Just document everything. We did for 6 months and the judge gave us "extra" time bc their mom had withheld us from seeing them. Sounds like that little girl already knows what's up though! My hubby was alienated from the kids for around 3 years before dating me and we have a lot of time to make up. Mom told the kids he wanted nothing to do with them but he was really trying but he couldn't afford a lawyer. I helped him file a case where he represented himself and he won but we can't go any further without hiring an attorney. 


deniseraelene
deniseraelene

@spacekadet @deniseraelene Well, we don't really have to worry about mom "buying" her because mom refuses to work.  In fact, she spends the child support on HERSELF and not on the child.  This year (first grade), she missed almost six WEEKS of school because mom was too lazy to get her immunizations taken care of, so she couldn't attend school until she got her shots up-to-date.  She's attended three different schools in two years, she has a problem with going "#2" because she holds it in.  We think that she does this because she has no control over life with mom (she's not even allowed to pick her own clothing out; mom calls my boyfriend on a regular basis to get him to make the daughter wear the clothing she's picked out).  She goes at our house, but the poor thing has held it in for so long that it hurts to go.  These are all things I plan to have my boyfriend put in his petition for custody.  Mom has been trying for two YEARS to get her daughter to hate me, but it hasn't worked yet.  Yes, she didn't make eye contact with me on Saturday at the recital, but she told me afterward it was just because she knew mom would yell at her and she didn't want a spanking when she went home.