fart-embarrassedEverybody farts. And that’s okay.

In fact, It’s more than okay. Farts often can be some of the funniest things ever. At least in retrospect. But when they happen unexpectedly, sometimes they’re the most mortifying things ever.

Here are your stories. And I call this series horrifying panty burps because one of you in your comments called farts panty burps. Which I thought was way too funny.

  1. My grandma and grandpa as newlyweds wanted to see if they could “trap” a fart… So.. They used an old Folgers can, my grandpa tooted, my grandma closed the lid… They hid it for a week and when they found it, they both opened it, and took a huge whiff… My grandma says when they both came to, they didn’t eat for two days!
  2. I was at my daughters preschool parent day. All the kids were showing pictures they drew of their moms and dads. One little girl was explaining to us all her picture and she said, “And if you’re wondering what these little bubbles all around my mom are….” At that point, mom realized where it was going and jumped up and clapped her hand on the little girls mouth. The little girl pried her moms hand off and despite mom’s best efforts was able to get out, “They’re her farts cause she does it all the time and they stink really bad!” The mom was frantic….kept trying to cover her mouth, but no luck. The WHOLE room was rolling.
  3. Once, when my daughter was about 18 months old, she was sleeping in her carseat in the backseat of the car. My then husband was driving and I let a silent, rank, eye-watering, fart go. And i didn’t say anything. after a minute, he takes a big inhale…”i think someone pooped”, then he inhaled again, “man, what are we feeding her?? that is AWFUL” and he inhales again, and again, then a huge inhale, “we should have her checked”. By this time I am laughing so hard I am crying, but trying to be quiet so he doesn’t notice. Then, mid inhale, he does! And I am caught…
  4. 6th grade and I was assigned to do a project with the boy my friends and I all had a massive crush on. Scott Zimmerman. They were super jealous of me. I dropped my pencil and leaned down to pick it up off the floor. Just then the room goes very quiet as this High pitched. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE sound escapes from me, and it didn’t smell pretty either.. It just kept going!!! everyone burst out laughing and I just wanted to crawl under my desk and die. The horrified look on my crush’s face made it so much worse.
  5. One day while I was standing in a long line at a department store at Christmas time when my stomach started gurgling with what I could tell was going to be smelly and loud farts. I have already spent about 2 hours shopping and had been standing in line for about 20 minutes and decide that it was just gurgling and I could hold it. Another 10 minutes pass and the gurgling is increasing which is making holding it near impossible. As there was a considerable amount of background noise, people chatting and Christmas music playing I thought I could sneak one off without any one noticing. While casually chatting with my ex-husband I let it pass only to be surprised at how loud it was. The couple in front of me hears it as the man turns around to look at me, I give him the “OMG how could you look” and his wife smacks him across the arm. When he opens up to protest that it wasn’t him and they are both looking at me, I give her the look of “you poor girl” and she smacks him again, puts down the things she has in her hand and grabs him by the arm, dragging him out the door. As he is leaving he turns around to give me one last look and I give him the thumbs up and a big grin.
  6. I was working at a big box store that had a display hammock set up for the summer. In my wisdom I decided I should try it out. There were several customers and fellow co workers standing around watching me try it out. Well I flipped out of the darn thing and landed on my face in the dirt (embarrassing enough) but when I landed the impact forced out a massive fart right in front of everyone. Everyone doubled over with laughter INCLUDING the customers. I still have not lived this down.
  7. I bumped into my ex at Costco on a weekend when he had my 6 year old. My son ran up to me excited and while hugging me he said “I have a surprise for you” and farted as loud as he could. That not being bad enough, he then started yelling at the top of his lungs “oh no! I sharted!” Not sure if he was kidding or not, but sure was glad it was his dad’s turn to figure that part out!

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!