“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” ~Philo of Alexandria
After 21 years of self-destructive inner-battles, I finally admitted my biggest secret to myself and to the rest of the world. That day, and the day my son was born, were the two most incredible and wonderful days of my life.
Here on Single Dad Laughing, I started what I call “The Truth Box.” I asked you all to anonymously share a difficult secret that you’ve never told anyone. There were only two sections to fill out on the form. “What everyone thinks is true,” and “what actually is true.” More than six thousand secrets were shared. Every Thursday I try and share 60 of them here. Completely random and exactly as they came in.
These truths aren’t meant to entertain. They aren’t meant to bring us down, either. They’re just an incredible and poignant (though sometimes heavy) reminder that we all are fighting our own great battles. Tune in tomorrow as well. We’ll have a new "Because. People Really Are Good." post.
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27 - Hang in there. I've been there. It takes time, one day at a time, one breath at a time. You will feel whole again. Trust me. Allow yourself time to grieve. You're grieving the loss of TWO intense, deep relationships at once: the one with your spouse has been damaged, and the other one ended. That's really tough, but you CAN, ABSOLUTELY, get through this. It will hurt. There were days when I felt like the physical pain of the emotions I was feeling was going to kill me. It gets better. Very slowly, but it does.
E mail me if you need to talk: [email protected]
#56, I wish you would be free of her when she dies, but my mom died 4 years ago and I'm still not free of her. all the horrible things she used to say to me, I( still hear them all in my head, or say them to myself on her behalf. my therapist is helping me retrain my brain to say the things I wish my mom had said...
I'm so sorry you were involved in an abusive relationship to start with. Kudos to you for getting out and understanding that you deserve better!
Please know that you deserve better than a married man too. In the end someone always gets hurt...always! Do you want someone elses pain to be caused partly because of you? I hope the answer is no. As someone who has been in your married mans shoes, please take my advise if you are reading this. The fairy tale that you both are envisioning, is not how it will end. There will be hate and hurt regardless if you end up together or not. Please, please rethink this. How can you truly love someone when part of them is someone elses? How can he give himself to you to love when he is someone elses other half? An affair always ends badly...always! You deserve better and so does his wife. So did my husband...
I think everyone is so brave to have shared their truth. Maybe this can be the first step in healing yourself from your pain?
#32 The weight of responsibility you have had on your shoulders all this time must be so hard to bear. Your story really made me feel sad for all you felt you had to do as a child. No child should have to suffer, either from abuse or from feeling they have to hide it and no adult should still be living with that pain years later x
#16, I have had 2 miscarriages in 6 months. It's incredibly painful. You are NOT alone in this. Try visiting the webpage for the MISS Foundation, it has a ton of resources involving grieving for your children. This internet stranger is sending you hugs.
I love you, secret sharer. You are brave to admit the truth. You are never alone, or the only one, with your problem--read Dan's truth box and you will see very similar trends. We are all human. Hopefully sharing helped lessen your problem (if you have one).
Religion and science are not mutually exclusive - they offer answers to two different questions. Religion asks WHY God did things and science asks HOW. I grew up in church and still go to church, but very much believe in science. Remember, Galileo believed the world was round, and he was kicked out of the church, only to have the church state that he was correct.
I truly enjoy reading the truth box even with all the negative. It reminds me that I'm not the only one dealing with inner struggle.
#18... I feel the same way you do, minus the drug part. It's sad after being friends our whole lives (26 years), but I'm better off without him.
I love these. So strong. It's hard to be honest with your deepest secrets and share them with others.
I feel enormous compassion for all who posted on the Truth Box . Yes, this is the anonymity of the internet, but you commentators who think to judge and point fingers.... Why are you even reading this post? The whole point is for others to look and see that they aren't alone, and perhaps for the original posters to come back and see they aren't alone. These people are not posting for advice, or for condemnation. They aren't even posting for attention, after all it is anonymous.
The truth of the matter is... no one else knows exactly the circumstances of another persons life. Maybe this exercise that has been posted is a cathartic release. Maybe that cheater can finally forgive themselves. Maybe that person in a relationship that isn't good enough can finally get the strength to leave because they were allowed to say what they feared most... without reprisal. Sometimes... all you have to do is admit it to begin the path to change.
I challenge those who are critical to take a deep look at themselves and find the courage to post anonymously on here a secret. And don't tell me that you have none. Don't tell me that you are the perfect one. Don't tell me that there is nothing that you won't admit and that there is nothing that you are secretly ashamed of.
To be fragile is to be human. To be strong is to be compassionate in the face of all diversity.
It's a link, not an ad. And not amusing... many of the stories in there might be enough to trigger readers. I think it's a prudent move to include the info.
#16.... I have had 2 miscarriages. its been 6 years and i still cry every time i think of them, or look at my belly, or hear there names.... You ARE a mother and ALWAYS will be. Please know you are not alone. I wish i could reach out and hug you. I don't know if you'll see this or ever respond and that is totally ok but please know im here to talk or listen... NO one can say they understand because even if they have been through something similar thaey dont know exactly how you feel, but what i do want to say is what you are feeling is completely normal and you will never forgot about your babies. I can imagine how having 3 miscarriages must make you feel scared or discouraged and its completely ok to feel that way!!! When you feel its right in your heart to try again i say do it. Also it may be benaficial for your husband and your self to see a genetisit and see if you are able to care a baby full term and if there is anything that may be provent the baby from reaching full term.
I wish you and your husband nothing but the best in life. Please, please know your never alone!
[email protected] is my email in case you feel the need to talk :)
Dear people--an awful lot of you say that people don't know how you feel, but I bet more people know than you realize. You think you're fooling everyone and you hate that you're lying, but they have it figured out. Some of you could try not being so strong and telling people how you really are, and you'd find an awful lot of love and support and relief. Really.
Wow. Reading these really makes me appreciate the life I have even more than I already do. My heart breaks for so many of these people... :(
Omg! This one was so strong for me... And that suicide banner is appropriate everywhere. I myself needed it... #24, p.m. Me if you want, you are SO not alone!
Please, don't feel bad. Faith is not something you should force, because it's not real when you do it like that. Belief or no, you are loved!
God, some of those were so hard to read. I cant help but feel that for a lot of those that were hurting, a simple decision would have made all the difference in the world. Start living for yourself! Make yourself happy first and then worry about the outside world, especially if you're alone or lonely or both. .
Upon reflecting about my comments to @Maritess420, I realised that the message I wanted to convey to her went beyond just her attack on #, and I didn't want the comments to be buried.
What I wrote in response to @Maritess420 is below; however, the crux of the message is as follows:
1) Society has to STOP judging victims of abuse and assault and blaming them for their situation. Why would anyone want to seek help if they believed they would be blamed or shamed for being a victim?
2) Victims of abuse and assault are NOT obligated to try to 'fix' the person or people who are abusing them. Love and kindness don't always make a difference, and they might put the victim at greater risk.
3) Victims need to express themselves in a safe environment, free from judgement or edits. Yes, they are entitled to their emotions - no matter how strongly worded their labels of these emotions are. Perhaps talking about feelings might reduce the intensity of the words, and ideally help them heal and perhaps, forgive, if appropriate.
Here are my original comments.
Each of these 'truth box' are very short, and without full context, casting judgements on those who are making the comments - obviously seeking help - is offensive.
Your comments about number 2 are cruel and unjustified. #2's reaction to the people involved is appropriate given what was written. Who are you to judge? Why are YOU trying to negate this person's feelings about a situation that - at best - sounds difficult and painful? Number 2 is a victim of abuse and is entitled to feel angry about the situation, and entitled to express anger in this sort of environment - which was supposed to be supportive and non-judgemental.
People have to stop judging victims of assault, suggesting that THEY are the ones at fault for the abusers' behaviours. Victims of abuse LIVE IN FEAR; they should not be encouraged to try to 'fix' those who are abusive. The 'Beauty and the Beast' theory of being able to fix cruel people with love leads many people in abusive relationships to stay and not seek help because there are 'some' in society who try to make them feel responsible for the abusers. CRAZY.
It sounds like the person is trying to cover-up his/her feelings about the situation in public, when in fact the person should be encouraged to share in a safe setting and let go - not try to heal the others involved. Counselling yes. Abuse from strangers, no.
We need to stop shaming and blaming victims and start LISTENING to them.
It breaks my heart and I wish I could help these people see how amazingly awesome they are! it's OK not to believe in God, it's OK to be gay/straight/bi. You are good enough to be loved. You do not deserve to be abused. You are worth it. It is OK to cut connections with abusers no matter your relationship with them. You are worth having as a friend. People do/will/can/want to love you just because you are you.
I find it amusing that among all of these truths is an advertisement for the national suicide prevention hotline
Those are intense, they remind me of the book "post secrets"....so many people are carrying so much pain with them.
"Do not rely on a rabbit's foot for luck, after all, it didn't work out too well for the rabbit. " ~ Euripides ~
I quoted that, to say this: we all have a lot of issues of one sort or another, and if you look at them under a microscope, it seems that we derive a great deal of our suffering because of the actions or views of another person or other people (especially family...the ones who have the tools to hurt us the most). I don't have a solution, really, but it does start with listening more to your own voice, rather than someone else's. You aren't free until you let go of whomever you are trying to please (in your mind), and just become alright with yourself, and when I figure out how to do that myself, I'll write a book and share my wisdom with the world. Happy Friday!! :-)
#45 - It won't. Please get out while you still can. It will only get worse. That I can promise you. You deserve better. It's scary, but trust me it's worth it. I have been there and I was so lucky to have parents who pulled me out of it. Literally, they made me move to a different state with them and kicked him out of my life. Anyway - I know it feels like there is no hope and there isn't in that relationship, but there is for you to have a better life. There is always another place to go. Even if it's not "home." Someone will be willing to help you, but you have to be willing to help yourself. Take control of your life and don't let anyone or anything stop you. You will find the right person, but first look out for you. At the end of the day, that's the only person that matters.
to almost all of them, love yourself, stop caring what others think of you. if you don't like who you change. the beauty of life is you control who you are. it will take time and effort but you change anything about yourself.
#49 I get you. In the last 18 years I became a single parent and lost my own. Supported my siblings off and on and lost everything I had built because of them. However I still love them, and hate them. Just as I loved and hated my mother and father. I have made million bad choices all while trying to do the right thing. I have let down my daughter in a million ways but think that I'm the best mother she could ever have had. I thought about giving her up for adoption when she was a baby so she could have a better life, but was fighting off family who wanted to take her. If you knew my family you would agree. Now as she gets ready for college I second guess everything. I do this all with small smile that covers up the tears that I can't cry anymore because I stopped allowing them. The truth is I'm tired.
#40, I've been there also. My father committed suicide (he had 4 strokes in 4 years and hated his quality of life). I was going to visit him that evening a bring him a piece of cake, and got too busy to go. Every person related to someone that has killed themselves feels they are somehow responsible. Get yourself into some sort of support group or therapy. You have to learn that there is nothing that you could have done differently. When someone is at that point in their life, they are going to do what they make their minds up to do. Nothing you could have done would have changed that. Its been 19 years, and I still miss him every day, but I no longer feel responsible. Prayer and thoughts aimed at you dear.
@LifeIstooshort @Maritess420 To clarify, I think Maritessa420 was simply numbering her points to another poster, "Rare," who was bemoaning the lack of spousal fidelity in these confessionals - not responding to poster #2. My guess is that she would be supportive of helping victims of abuse, given her comments about Emotinal Intelligence as a way to help people learn and grow. However, she wasn't talking about the same thing you are, I'm pretty sure.
One more thing... Number 2 - if you're out there and have read these comments, please treat YOURSELF with compassion.
Your words show you're still experiencing anger about the abuse and treatment you received. Please seek help. It's not your fault you were sexually assaulted and stalked. It sounds like you were bullied at work, as well. Bullies tend to prey on those most vulnerable. It's not likely that kindness towards this couple would have changed that situation - in fact, it might have made the situation far, far worse.
Be thankful these coworkers are now former ones. You don't need them in your life, but you do need to move on. Seek counselling so you can let go and find peace. And, live a life you are proud of. That's the best 'revenge'.
@butterieflie1 BEST COMMENT EVER!
Thank you, @Leda333. I am very embarrassed by my hasty judgement. As you can tell, I'm a bit passionate about victims being treated with respect, and I jumped to conclusions, based on my strong bias.
@Maritess420, I apologise to you with tremendous sincerity. My comments were extremely inappropriate, given the actual context - rather than my perceived content. Rather than following my own advice of LISTENING, I jumped to conclusions based on my frustration of societal victim-blaming and victim-shaming. I unfairly lashed out at you, and for that I am extremely sorry. I should always read for context before making assumptions.
For #2, I apologise for bringing unwarranted attention to your 'truth box confession.' I hope I didn't create more hurt for you. In my rush to support you, I might have made things worse. I'm very sorry.
For the readers of this website, I'm also very sorry for jumping to conclusions and making harsh comments against @Maritess420. They were unfounded, and I was wrong.
Regardless, my comments about victims still stand. I believe as a society, we need to support those who are abused and frightened to come forward, instead of blaming them for what happened.