Over on the Single Dad Laughing Facebook Page, I asked a simple question. “What is the most embarrassing thing your child has ever blurted out to others?” More than 1,500 of you answered.
And, just as I had hoped, you didn’t fail to deliver some of the best gut-grabbing laughs I’ve had in weeks. Here are a few of your replies…
The Most Embarrassing Things Ever Blurted Out By Kids
1. My daughter stood behind a lady who was blessed with a huge and gorgeous butt and said, “Hey mommy, you could ask her for some butt she has plenty.”
2. My daughter told my dad, her granddad, “My mama has huge tatas.”
3. I have a friend who home-schools her five kids. Her youngest was learning about the solar system and he felt that the planets should have friends. Jupiter had Pupiter, Earth had Perth, and Venus, yep, Venus had Penus.
4. My daughter used to walk around and sing, “Show me the way to the next whisky bar” in front of my very conservative parents.
5. My kids (2 & 3 at the time) were talking to a cop & they were looking at all of the things on his belt. When he got to the handcuffs, the older one said “Hey! Mommy and daddy have some just like that!”
6. At a Mexican diner, I introduced my two girls to a man I had been dating and one of them asked “What’s the hottest thing you’ve ever had?” Without missing a beat, the other daughter said “And don’t you dare say my mom.”
7. When my son was 4, I got pulled over by a state trooper. As soon as the Patrolman got to the window my son asked loudly “Why does this always happen to us?”
8. My son was about four years old and we were eating at “On The Border.” The waitress brought us the check and asked if there was anything else she could get us. My son turned around and swatted her on the butt as hard as he could and “No thanks babe, we’re good here.”
9. I took my then 3 year old daughter to the funeral of a dear friend. She’s in my lap, looking angelic, organ music playing, congregation waiting silently, tearfully for the service to begin. Suddenly Lil Daughter announces loudly, “Well, I guess that’s the end of Danny!”
10. My three-year-old was obsessed with cooking. I took her to Walmart to buy her own crock pot. She walked around telling everyone she was getting her very own crack pipe, so she didn’t have to use mommy’s!
11. While using the restroom at Costco, my son yelled out, “Mommy, are you pooping? Good job for pooping on the potty, Mommy!”
CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE
At Christmas dinner with my husbands family... his niece was asking me a lot of questions about the pregnancy like how far along I was and if my lungs had moved yet, cravings ect. Her parents told me just to answer them honestly. Not so big a deal except it was our first Christmas together and his ex wife was there. I was relieved when she asked when me and uncle kevin fot married and gladly asnwer it. She went quiet for a minute then loudly announces so you were pregnant before you got married. All eyes now on us including the already pissed ex all I could do was say yes and excuse myself
My five year old daughter was swinging on the monkey bars at our neighbourhood park. There were a couple of older girls playing there, too (they were probably ten or eleven). My daughter, trying to strike up a conversation with them, looked over to where I was sitting and said, "That's my mom, sitting there. She's got a baby in her tummy." The girls smiled and nodded politely. Then my daughter said, "That baby's going to come right out of her vagina."
My daughter had been asking lots of questions about the differences between boys and girls. We were in line at the Post Office across the street at my house and she blurts out, "Is he a boy?" I said, "Yes." She then says,"HE HAS A PENIS???" in a very loud voice.
My son, who was four at the time, and myself were walking through the store. This poor man, a veteran OF COURSE, was walking despite having had his legs amputated. He was walking on his little stubs, just trying to live life, and my son yells, "OH MY GOSH, THAT MAN IS SO SMALL!!" Complete with pointing and laughing.
A couple weeks ago I took my five year old to the mall, because we were bored and had nothing better to do and I really wanted out of the house. The woman who sells the buffer thing for your nails and the various cosmetics made with salt from the dead sea had gotten ahold of me and was trying to sell me stuff. She starts talking about this facial moisturizing cream and asks "Do you have a boyfriend? Because this is good for shave bumps too." And my son looks up at her and says "Mommy has lots of boyfriends." I was mortified. I corrected him "Lots of friends who ARE boys but only one boyfriend." The woman laughed her butt off and gave me a free bar of face soap because he was so cute. Kids. Damn.
The crock pot = crack pipe was my favorite. :'D
My story is from 2 days ago. My son is 4 and has only been to the library a few time because he does not like being quiet, but I had to go pick up a book for my daughter for school the following day so I had to take my son with me. We had a talk about being quiet and whispering before we went in and he was excited to show me has could handle it. Everything went well while I went in a got a new card; he whispered a few things to me and so-far-so-good. So on to the computer catalog we went. I was about to click search when... "Mommy your BUTT stinks!" (A special thank you to his older sisters which love to say that to each other.)
My daughter is learning about rhyming right now. She proudly announced to me: "WHORE! WHORE RHYMES WITH DOOR!" Oh.my.gosh. I am glad that she said that at home and not in the classroom.
I was getting my daughter ready for bed the other night, she is 5 and started Kindergarten this year. Every evening we look at the calendar to see what "special" class she has the next day, i.e. gym, music, library, art. She was having gym class the next day. So, I tuck her in bed and she says to me, "Mom, we have to wear Strap-On's in gym class." I did a double take and asked, "What??" She repeated, a little more forcefully this time (because saying it louder and with more emphasis would make me understand her), "WE HAVE TO WEAR STRAP-ON'S IN GYM CLASS!" I still had no idea what she was talking about. This went on for a few minutes and I finally figured it out: Strap-on's = Velcro shoes. Jeez Louise.
My 4 year old nephew was in a public bathroom with me and proceeded to inform me that he LOVES star wars and wants to be like George Lucas when he's older. "I even know what my trilogy will be called! The poops on fire, the toilet's on fire and finally the house's on fire!"
There were snickers from the next stall
I drink a lot of water and so does one of my daughters. She thinks that it is fun that we both love water. I thought this was cute until she told her kindergarten teacher, "Mommy and I both have a drinking problem. My mommy just drinks all of the time." Luckily the teacher just laughed and let me explain about it being water. :)
During a car ride with Grandma and Grandpa:
Brother: "Grampy, you're funny looking"
Sister: "He can't help it, God made him that way!"
my daughter is 3 and loves watching Dora. They cross the grumpy trolls bridge on a lot of episodes and she likes to tell people "I'm going to cross your bridge" which sounds innocent but it comes out as "I'm going to cut you bitch!" She is a very loud exuberant kid so it comes out like a threat. I have had to explain what she was saying to random people a lot.
My 4 year old son was with my daughter and I getting hair cuts at my friend's salon. So I had finished my hair cut and he comes up and touches my hair and says " Mommy, you look BEAUTIFUL!" I thanked him for the compliment, then he walked over near the chair where my friend was working on my daughter - "C.J., you look BEAUTIFUL!", big sister thanks little brother. Then he steps back a little and smacks my friend the hairstylist on the butt and says "You look beautiful, too!" with a huge grin on his face, and we all about fell on the floor in disbelief! If must be genetic from my Grandpa, because he has never seen anyone do that!
While getting gas I noticed a scantily clad young lady and said under my breath "can you say bimbo" My daughter then 5 yelled as loud as she could "BIMBO" to which the woman quickly glanced our way. I was mortified and laughing hysterically at the same time. After that I became VERY conscious of all the things that came out of my mouth.
Years ago my daughter was 3 and we were out for a family dinner. She wanted daddy to take her to the restroom. He hesitantly agreed. Well she had to do number two and wanted him to stand in the stall with her. He returned to the table eyes wide open and in shock... He leans over and tells me that while in the stall she was constipated and started moaning "it hurts, it hurts, get it out." He quickly exited the stall leaving her to do her business ALONE, in fear of someone calling the police. Oh my we laughed all the way thru dinner.
On a college campus with my 2 and half yo and he had recently learned a difference between his sister and himself. So pointing to each person coming past "He has a penis, she doesn't have a penis."
HAHAHAHA. "So, I notice that babies come out of vaginas." That is GOLD. And I don't have any children of my own, a niece and nephew that I love though! The story I want to share is my own, in fact...in the 5th grade, my dad went to have his appendix removed and I had NO clue what was what in which body, so naturally, I told my teacher that my dad had to have his ovaries taken out. When he came to get me from school the following week, as soon as he came down the hallway, all the teachers were laughing. My teacher told him what I'd said and he still hasn't let me live it down to this day. /sigh/
When I was very young I asked my mom's boyfriend's mother why she never bathed. She asked me what I was talking about. I said, "Mom said you're a dirty old lady." - It did however teach me to never say anything in front of my own kids that I didn't want repeated to anyone and everyone.
31 years ago I was standing in line at the grocery store when my toddler pointing behind me yells out " Look mommy a smurf " I turned and looked at a very nice African American man standing behind me laughing at what my son had just said. Sigh.... our TV at the time was black and white.
My best was in a small car accident. She waited for the cops to get there and had been potty training her son the last few months. He wanted to go but she said to wait until the police arrived. When the officer finally showed up he decided he had waited long enough... and peed right there... on the officers shoe. She was mortified.
I had to take my almost-three-year-old daughter with me to Jazzercize class one night, and as we walked in, she saw one of the larger members of the class and announced loudly (while pointing) "She's fat!" I could only respond, "We all are, honey -- that's why we're here."
When my now 10 y.o. was about 2 his favorite show was Thomas The Tank Engine, and favorite character was Percy. Well...2 year olds can't exactly enunciate the letter R very well, and his pronunciation of "Percy" sounded just like another "P" word. So we're in Target one day in the toy aisle, and he suddenly sees the Thomas display and begins to yell "Percy, Daddy! I like Percy! Percy's my favorite!". All I could say was "It's my favorite too, son." :)
#21 STILL has me rolling!!! OMG. These are hilarious.
So, my neighbor's 9 year old is talking to us about puberty, and all of the changes that she is about to experience physically. Her dad says to her, "You're out of luck, you're definitely going to have your mom's butt and thighs." (Her mom has plenty of butt and thighs to speak of, passed down generation to generation). She looks up, lets out a little whine, and says "But I don't want to have a butt because that's what boys are attracted to!!" We burst out laughing...I was laughing to hard I was in tears!
My mom was watching my 4 year old son one day when I was working. When I went to pick him up, she pulled me in to the kitchen and told me that my son had told her "the skin on your arms looks like my daddy's balls," I almost died of embarrassment when she told me about it! Luckily my mom thought it was hilarious!
Long story short, on a trip to the city to buy new shoes, my sister and I had been fighting to entire ride. My dad finally freaks out that we had better behave or else. We get to the shoe store and the adorable little 4 year old that I was, tells the saleslady that I have to be good or my dad will break my F!@$ing neck. Next thing I know, my parents are hightailing it out the door....
My son was playing with a toy truck at about age 4. He was with his father and they were with his very conservative church-going grandparents. "This F@@@ing thing won't cooperate!" When asked about it, he explained that this is what his stepfather says whenever he is working on cars!
In Walmart at age 2, he announced as we passed the toy section that he needed "a car for his fruck and hooker." (aka a tow truck!)
My then 8 year old, had already developed a reputation as a hypochondriac. Every day he had something that hurt, be it his head, belly or his elbow. He frequented the nurse at school almost daily. One day he fell playing outside and legitimately hurt his arm. I medicated him with tylenol before school to take care of any pain he might have and told him not to go to the teacher with it hurting that I had already taken care of it. Well he came home from school I asked him how his arm was. He said it hurt at school and the teacher asked what was wrong. And he told her "my mom told me not to tell"...... Great! Now I look like a child abuser!
When my daughter was three, we had a stray cat come around our house so I regularly fed it. When we were in the store, passing by the pet food aisle, my daughter loudly asks, "Mommy, why do we keep the black baby outside?"
My almost two year old has been learning her manners, like please and thank you. When she says thank you it sounds like 'da*n you'. Everyone asks me, "What did she say?" So before they have a chance to wonder I have to say, "She said thank you." lol
So many hilarious ones to choose from but I think #10, #21, and #30 made me laugh the hardest. My son is 15 months old, and only has a few words under his belt, but I swear the other day when we were playing with his little barn, I was showing him pictures on the side and saying "Thats a chicken and a rooster and those are chicks" and he looks me in the eye and it sounded like he said "Chicks dumb!" and I looked at his dad and his dad said "I SWEAR I DIDN'T!!!"
When I was a foster parent we had a three year old who couldn't say "TR". One day we are in the check out line and he yells, "I want a f*ck!" I could have died right then and there. So, i said "no, you cannot have a TRuck!" People started giggling, but I was mortified!
Daughter gets up from nap time a kindergarten and can't find her shoes - shouts "where are my fucking sandals? " Teacher corrects - you mean buckle sandals? No she says, Fucking sandals... it means missing like Mom's fucking keys, fucking purse, fucking car....
Number 21 had me in fits! I once had my then 5 year old nephew and baby niece at the side of a road waiting for a parade. As i bent to sort the baby I just heard an elderly lady telling him "Aw that's what happens when you get old, son" Turns out my nephew had asked her "What's all those lines on your neck?!" I'm glad the woman was such a good sport about it!
@MamaSuez08 I just laughed so hard I peed a little...
@JenniferWallaceMarsh My oldest had the same problem. He would walk around telling people that Uncle Craig was a F%#ker.
@JenniferWallaceMarsh My nephew was the same way, only he also had his p's and b's mixed as well, one day we passed a Dump Truck and he says "Aunt Stina Look! A Dumb F*ck!" Thankfully we were alone in the car so no one heard him! Still makes me laugh 17 years later!
@aprilstraus3232 OH MY GOSH!!!!! that just about had milk coming out my nose!!!!!