Author: Rochelle Roberts – 3rd Place!
Title: ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas and I Was Still Single

night-before-christmas

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas and I Was Still Single

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and I was still single
I had eggnog in one hand, and a can full of Pringles
My lone stocking was hung by the TV with care
I had already eaten half the chocolate in there

Old Christmas movies kept me far from my bed
Where thoughts of aloneness liked to dance in my head
And wrapped in my Snuggie, and my old baseball cap
I downed some more eggnog, and forced a few laughs

When out on the porch there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my show to see what was the matter
Away to the window I ran all aflutter
On my way over I grabbed a Louisville Slugger

I peeked through the curtains at the darkness outside
Sure that this Christmas there’s a chance I might die.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a beautiful man and eight tiny reindeer.

He was tall, dark, and handsome, and lively and quick
I somehow just knew that his first name was Nick.
The man wore red pants and a fluffy red hat
But was shirtless and chiseled with powerful abs.

His pecs glistened in the moonlight and flexed as he stood
As I looked at his smile I knew deep down he was good.
Then he reached down and grabbed a firm set of reigns
And he whistled and called all his reindeer by name.

“Now Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! On Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
There’s a girl in this house awaiting our call!

My heart was now pounding, I had no time to slouch.
I ripped off my Snuggie and dove back on the couch.
I saw them take off, to the house top they flew,
With a sleigh full of presents and a hot boyfriend too!

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
I closed my eyes tight and pretended to sleep,
He came bounding down, barely making a peep.

I peeked at him then, from his head to his foot
His bare chest was now streaked with ashes and soot.
He turned and he grinned and he gave me a nod
I was in love with him now, and his fabulous bod.

His eyes-how they twinkled! His charm I could bottle!
His cheeks were like roses, he really could model!
His cute little mouth was curved at the ends.
And the scruff on his chin was what made him a ten.

My god how he had such white perfect teeth,
A great aroma encircled the man like a wreath.
He had big broad hands and a washboard tight belly
That flexed when he laughed, and made mine look like jelly.

He was pleasant and kind, a right jolly young elf,
And I giggled when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And walked over to me with a cute little smirk.
He reached out his arms and…

Hm.

No….

No….

Noooo!!!

My eyes were closed calmly, though I wanted to scream
At whatever had woken me up from this dream.
I was still in my Snuggie, still so very alone,
And no man with toned abs was breaking into my home.

Just then my cat wandered in and jumped onto my lap
I looked at her there and thought, well I guess that that’s that.
I grabbed at a bottle and tipped more rum in my drink
And swatted the air after slipping out a terrible stink.

This was my Christmas Eve.

Much thanks to everyone who participated in this contest! And thank you Rochelle for this amazing entry.

To see all the winning entries and honorable mentions in this year’s contest, click here.

SHARE
Previous articleMy Brother, The Shelf Elf King
Next articleThanksgiving on the Streets
Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!