31) Got a message from a guy on a dating site asking if I would be willing to tell him dirty jokes about his mom.

32) “Sweetie, can I have your number??? We can have a good time??? I’m very generous $$$”

33) “Goddess, would you allow me to photograph your feet and suck on your toes?”

34) “I like a woman who knows her way around the kitchen, the hunting lodge and the bedroom.”

35) “Have you ever kicked a guy in the balls?”

36) Someone once told me he hoped I wouldn’t be scared away by the fact that his phone was likely being monitored by the government due to previous political protest involvement.

37) Me: I’ll give you my address. Him (a new acquaintance): That’s okay, I already know where you live.

38) “Hey neighbor, that’s my window behind you!”

39) “Can I watch you sleep?”

40) “I’ve seen your pictures and you seem very fashionable. What size are you? We can go out and maybe I can borrow your clothes?”

41) “I promise I’m not a weirdo. I’m only obsessed with 2 things: red heads and laxatives!”

42) “You’re so beautiful, I named my car after you. My dog died and I keep it in the trunk so he can be close to us.”

43) “You were right, you are really short. Hey, do you think they would give a discount for your coffin?”

44) “You’re as hot as my sister.”

45) “You remind me of my big toe… sooner or later, I’m gonna bang you on every piece of furniture I own.”


I told you. Hilarious as a whole. Creepy each one on its own. Now go enjoy the rest of your hopefully non-creepy day.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing